By: Bookshelf Q. Battler, Blogger-in-Chief, Bookshelf Battle Blog
I am a busy man.
I work all day at Beige Corp.
At night, I take care of my magic bookshelf, feed the Yeti, tend to the needs of all the inhabitants of BQB HQ, work on saving the world from the Mighty Potentate through my writing and then if I’m lucky, I might get five minutes to say hello to my main squeeze, Video Game Rack Fighter, before I go to sleep and get up just to do it all over again.
Thus, it is very upsetting when the smelly raccoon and his smelly raccoon friends knock over my trash cans and leave a huge mess by the side of my curb.
In theory, is it so bad if they want to gobble up what I throw away?
In reality, is that all they do?
These little turd burglars spend all night making loud noises as they knock my cans over and root around inside them. Then, when I wake up, I find that they’ve left trash strewn all over the place.
Banana peels. Frozen pizza boxes. Used bathroom related products that have been in my butt, Video Game Rack Fighter’s butt, the Yeti’s butt, or the butt of one of my many esteemed blog columnists.
You know what the worst part is? That trash won’t be on the ground for less than five minutes before some grumpy old bastard from the neighborhood walks by and shakes his fist at me and shouts, “Clean up your place! You’re bringing down my property values!”
Sure. Like I planned for this to happen. I’m sorry. I don’t have the time to sit out in the middle of the night with a broom and a dust pan at the ready just so I can follow dirty little bandit mask wearing furballs around as they destroy my trash cans.
Smelly raccoons are evil and they should be thrown in jail. There, I said it. Better yet, transport them all to the dump and let them at it. Maybe they can eat all the crap that won’t biodegrade. Maybe those little shits are the key to stopping global warming. Just feed them all the shit that can’t be recycled.
Whatever you do, just get them away from my trash cans.