Daily Archives: October 6, 2015

This Excerpt From BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal Brought to By Beige Corp!

BEIGE CORP!

Beige

Beige

Yes, Beige Corp!  The world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories is a proud sponsor of the Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal.

“We were devastated to learn of a zombie attack in East Randomtown, mostly because that’s where our headquarters is located, and its going to cost an ass-ton of cash to have it fumigate,” said Lawrence Mortimer, Beige Corp CEO.  “Oh, and also we’re very worried about our dear, dear employees.  They are truly the life’s blood of our drab empire.”

Mr. Mortimer noted that despite of the loss of the East Randomtown HQ, beige products and accessories production will continue via new plants in China, India, and Thailand.

“Fear not, loyal beige loving customers, our third world sweat shops will be set up in no time!  Did I say ‘third world sweat shops?’  Whoops! I meant to say ‘developing nation economic advancement centers!'”

BEIGE!  It’s the color you wear when you don’t want to say anything about yourself whatsoever.

Have you lived a pristine enough life to pull off white?  I don’t think so.

Are you enough of a badass outlaw to walk around in all black?  Johnny Cash knows you haven’t.

BEIGE!

Just look at these fine Beige Corp employees, hard at work, producing beige products and accessories for the beige loving masses.

Or, at least they were before our headquarters was overrun by the gruesome undead.  Where ever you are, East Randomtown employees, we’re thinking about you.

But thinking is all we’re going to do because holy shit, we aren’t fighting any damn zombies.

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Ted Becker, Accounting – Feared dead or zombified.

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Judy Masters, Call Center Operator – Most likely was too bored to fend off a zombie attack.

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Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finkelstein, aka Bookshelf Q. Battler, Assistant to the Assistant of the Vice-President for Corporate Assistance – Currently fighting for his life in the East Randomtown Mall.

To BQB and the rest of our employees in East Randomtown, know that your bosses are keeping you in their thoughts and prayers, far far away from that shit hole you call a town, which let’s face it, didn’t even look that great before the zombie apocalypse.

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#31ZombieAuthors – Day 6 – S.G. Lee – Advice From the Journal of the Undead

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FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

Amazon     Blog

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Today’s guest is S.G. Lee, author of the Journal of the Undead series and proprietor of sgleehorror.blogspot.com, where he spins yarns of zombitabulous mayhem free of charge, assuming you don’t include the hours of sleep you’ll lose thinking about the twisted horror scenarios he’s concocted.

A self-described Philly sports fan, he claims an ability to bleed all of Philadelphia’s sports team colors, much to the shock of his local medical community.

S.G. welcome.  Personally, I think the East Randomtown Mascots would trounce the Phillies any day of the week, but alas we must discuss more serious business.

NOTE: BOLD=BQB; ITALICS=S.G.

Q.   I’ve just learned that my mentor, the illustrious Dr. Hugo Von Science, caused the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse on purpose as part of a villainous scheme.  For me, this begs a question I must ask you:  

Who’s more dangerous in a zombie outbreak?  The monsters that want to eat us or the humans who take advantage of the chaos to get what they want?

A.   Without a doubt, the human race is far more dangerous. With the ability to think rationally and problem-solve, mankind is the most vicious animal on the planet.

First, there will be the sinister types … the ones who create the outbreak and/or those who profit from it. Then there are the people in desperation; they paid no attention to preparedness protocols for any type of disaster. They didn’t even make sure they had spare bottles of water, a first aid kit, or flashlights if the power goes out so how are they going to handle the zombie apocalypse?

Desperation brings out the basest of animal instincts in people. They’ll kill over a half-empty bottle of water if thirsty enough. Let’s not forget, even in good times, there are people whose only pleasure is derived from harming others. They’ll knock someone down just to watch a zombie tear ‘em to shreds.

That’s not to say all of humanity is monstrous, there are always going to be good people out there too. Just be sure to watch out because it will be harder to tell in the direst of times.

Q.   Why is the public so obsessed with zombies these days?  

A.  I know I’ve said this before but I truly believe the reason zombies are so popular is because, at their core, zombies represent hopelessness. Tragically, most people look at the world around them and feel little or no hope. They’re disappointed in so many things: their government, their spouse/significant other, their dysfunctional families, their finances, an ever-growing abundance of bills. The list goes on and on but none of that is as awful as being torn to shreds by a cannibalistic eating machine that used to be your neighbor or mailman. In a strange way, zombie books and movies give us hope. If a group of ragtag strangers can survive a cataclysmic outbreak in the zombie apocalypse, maybe … just maybe, you can too. Or, at the very least, you can survive holidays with the in-laws.

51n4ONFgx2L._SX331_BO1,204,203,200_ copyQ,  In Journal of the Undead:  Littleville Uprising, Evan Stone’s godfather is Dr. G.E. Mitchell, author of Journal of the Undead: A Survivor’s Guide.  Are there any tips in that survivor’s guide you could pull out that would help my merry band of survivors and I?

A.  Absolutely! Dr. Mitchell, a.k.a. Doc, will be working with me to release his survivor’s guide soon but, until then, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I share a few tips.

First, preparation is key. Have a bug-out bag (BOB) packed nearby and ready at a moment’s notice. You never know when the flesh-eaters might break through your perimeter. There won’t be time to pack when that happens so be prepared. He recommends having more than one bag since you’ll have different seasonal needs.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  See this interview with Sarah Lyons Fleming for more on how to pack a zombie apocalypse ready bug out bag.  Back to you, S.G.

Second, don’t give those monsters anything to grab onto so, avoid baggy clothes and long, flowing hair. In Littleville, one of the students was, as Emma so delicately put it, “hauled in like a marlin” by the girl’s long hair. So, cut it or keep it in a tight braid but make sure your hair can’t be used against you.

Another tried and true tip is to have more than one type of weapon, preferably a multi-tasking tool in addition to a gun. The sound of gunfire attracts enemies so a non-firing weapon is essential when you need to stay undercover. Besides, guns require ammo and that might be in short supply.

Finally, this one is helpful no matter what type emergency arises, be sure to have back-ups of both prescription and over-the-counter medications on hand. The last thing you want is to keel over because you didn’t pack your medications!

Q.  In a note in Littleville Uprising, you state that zombies vary in their abilities from story to story, and that yours “shuffle along, always searching for a bite of warm and juicy living flesh.”  Why did you choose to make your zombies shuffle and do you have any advice to defeat the East Randomtown zombies, who, as my luck would have it, all run like they trained with Jackie Joyner-Kersee?

A.  The reason my Journal of the Undead zombies are the slow shufflers is two-fold. One, this series was written for my sweetie, an old-school horror purist. In my beloved’s world, it would be sacrilege to call those sprinters, “zombies.” Secondly, we are both of the opinion that the fast moving, super-human cannibals are “infected” as opposed to zombies. So, in our house zombies shamble and vampires are not sparkly love interests.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  Kind of fun to picture the Lees sitting around the dinner table, being all alike, “this is a slow shambling zombie house and it always will be, damn it!”

Q.  Can you confirm reports that your desire to write about zombies was “spawned by intense road rage?”  I read something on your Amazon Author page that led me to think that might be a possibility.

A.  Well, I am not at liberty to confirm or deny these claims outright but I will say this … you can take the driver out of Philly but you cannot take Philly out of the driver. We are always in a hurry so slow drivers make me want to take a tire iron and—Ahem, it appears my attorney has advised me to invoke the fifth amendment and shut up before I incriminate myself.

Q.  Thanks for taking the time to answer my questions, S.G.  Before I go, do you have any other advice that could help my friends and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

A.  I know this is expression was made popular in a movie but don’t forget the most important rule in dealing with the undead: always, always, double-tap! It goes without saying that you need to make sure those flesh-eaters stay dead this time.

As we touched on earlier, don’t trust the living either. Desperate times call for desperate measures.. Don’t believe someone if they say they haven’t been bitten. Check it with your own eyes.

Most importantly, don’t let the infection spread. Keep it contained, perhaps in the East Randomtown Mascots’ locker room.    *sigh*    I have been advised by my attorney to publicly apologize for my insensitivity to the East Randomtown Mascots and their fans.

Additionally, the plight of those injured or killed in the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse is a tragedy. It should not be taken lightly. It was not my intention to offend the good people of East Randomtown or their sports teams. As a gesture of goodwill, I am headed to East Randomtown now to assist in the containment and clean up from this catastrophic event. Perhaps I can convince some of the Phillies to come with me. They’re already armed, after all.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  Thanks, S.G.!  We need all the help we can get!

Also, the action figure above was developed by Mark Neto of Markneto’s Mightiest Mego Super Customs.  Get your own custom action figure today.  You know you want one.

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BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 6

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I was half-asleep, unsure of what time it was.  The only glimpse of light came when Alien Jones opened his glow in the dark eyes or when VGRF moved around while holding the space phone.

She had it on speaker.

“Hello!” came an automated message.  “You have reached the Pentagon!  If you are a terrorist, please stay on the line and an operator will be on shortly to take your location so we can blow you up and shit.”

“Ugh,”  VGRF said.  “You can never get a real person on the line anymore.”

“You’re being silly, babe,”  I said.  “You really think the Army is going to bother to help us?  All they’re going to do is keep the town under containment.  They’re not going to send a unit into an area teaming with zombies just to save a few people.”

“Oh please,”  VGRF said.  “You just want to keep this insanity going so you can up the hits on your precious blog.”

“VGRF!  How dare you imply I’d ever do such a thing?”

(I was totally doing such a thing.  10.5 readers, here I come!)

“This is a rare occasion where I concur with BQB,”  Alien Jones said.  “I’d prefer to keep the government out of this as much as possible.  One look at me and they’ll cart me off to Area 51.”

“Area 51’s real?”  VGRF asked.

“I’ve said too much,” Alien Jones answered.

The Esteemed Brainy One

The Esteemed Brainy One

“Grab another hat and some sunglasses and we’ll tell them you’re our kid,”  VGRF said.  “Or you can just poof yourself out of here.”

Alien Jones did have the ability to teleport himself away at any second.  It was a true sign of his support that he didn’t do just that and leave the rest of us hanging.

The Pentagon’s automated voice message system was back.

“If you are a United States citizen under attack, press one now!”

VGRF pressed one.

“Please state the nature of the attack.”

“Zombies.”

“I heard, ‘Taylor Swift wielding a club!’  If that’s correct, please press one.  If incorrect, press two.”

“How could this machine have possibly gotten that out of ‘zombies?'”  VGRF asked as she pressed two.

“Machines screw with humans all the time,”  Alien Jones said.  “They test your patience and take notes regarding your responses for the purposes of planning their inevitable takeover.  Same thing happened to the Moloklaxons.”

“Please state the nature of the attack again.”

“Zombies!  We’re being attacked by zombies!”

“I heard, ‘Rob Lowe is ordering a chicken to peck your eyes out!’  If that is correct, press one…”

“ARRRRGGGGH!!”

It was a VGRF’s turn to flip out.

“Just hang up,”  I said.  “Leave it to the zombie authors.  They’ll get us through this.  The government will just screw everything up.”

“Please state the nature of the attack again…”

“Operator!”  VGRF said.  “I want to talk to a person.”

“You have requested to speak to an operator.  Please hold.”

Elevator muzak.

“It’s catchy,”  Alien Jones said.

“You do realize Dr. Hugo did this on purpose, don’t you?”  VGRF asked me.

Dr. Hugo Von Science - incompetent hack, or cunning mad scientist hell bent on world domination?

Dr. Hugo Von Science – incompetent hack, or cunning mad scientist hell bent on world domination?

“What?”

“He’s always been bitter that scientists aren’t as beloved as celebrities,”  VGRF said.  “He turned those reality TV stars into monsters to start an apocalypse and spread chaos.”

“Get out of here,”  I said.  “Dr. Hugo’s just a tad scatterbrained.  So he didn’t adjust his invention properly.  Cut the guy some slack.  Sure, he might be borderline incompetent but he means well and he’d never do anything like this on purpose.”

“That’s just his schtick,”  VGRF said.  “He knows exactly what he’s doing.  Haven’t you read his columns?”

“Not really.”

“They’re on YOUR blog.  You should be reading everything on it.  Dr. Hugo is always listing his inventions, then ‘accidentally’ mentioning one invention that sounds like it could be used to take over the world.”

“Listen,”  I said.  “I get you’re upset, but I can’t sit back and allow you to tarnish the good name of the great Dr. Hugo Von Science.”

“She’s right,”  Alien Jones said.

“Excuse me?”  I asked.

“Video Game Rack Fighter is astute in her assessment,”  Alien Jones said.  “I read Dr. Hugo’s mind during the demonstration.  He fully intended to start a zombie apocalypse.  He plans to blackmail the government into turning over a hundred billion dollars in exchange for the zombie cure.”

“There’s a zombie cure?”  I asked.

“There’s a cure for everything,”  Alien Jones said.  “Had your human scientists spent less time developing erection medication and more time on other inflictions, they’d of realized this long ago.”

“AJ,”  I said.  “I’ve never believed that you can read minds.  I’m calling BS on that one.”

“VGRF is disgusted by the amount of time you spend on “Buttstravaganza.com” every day,”  Alien Jones said.

I felt my face burn with embarrassment.

“That’s…that’s absurd…I’ve never…”

VGRF confirmed it.

“All I’m saying is you’d think that when an intergalactic despot is threatening to take over the world if your writing career doesn’t take off, you might spend less time on the ‘Butt of the Day’ and more time on your novel.  Or at least respect me enough to erase your browser history!”

“That’s…that’s inconclusive,”  I said to AJ.  “That could be anyone looking at those butts.  You just guessed that.”

“You despise it when Video Game Rack Fighter clips her toe nails in the living room,”  Alien Jones said.

VGRF glared at me.

“Wrong,”  I said.  “There is absolutely nothing that this enchantress could ever do to upset me and OH MY GOD yes it’s so disgusting!”

“BQB!”  VGRF shouted.

“If you won’t do it in the bathroom like a normal person, would it kill you to at least do it over a trash can?  Meet me half-way here, woman!”

“I always pick them all up!”

“You THINK you pick them all up but then I always step on one.  And it’s usually the big toenail, the friggin’ big daddy of them all!”

“Humans, please,”  Alien Jones said.  “It was not my intention to cause turmoil in your relationship.  I simply needed to prove my mind reading capabilities so as to make it clear to you that Dr. Hugo was indeed the culprit in this sordid affair.”

“I can’t believe this,”  I said.  “Dr. Hugo Von Science.  My mentor.  The greatest scientific mind the world has ever known.  A columnist on my website a wanton criminal.”

“I’m sorry I had to be the one to break it to you,”  VGRF said.

“I have no idea who to trust now,”  I said.

“Pentagon Operator, how may I direct your call?”

“Hello,”  VGRF said.  “My friends and I are trapped in the middle of the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse.”

“Ma’am, it is a serious offense to file a false report with the Federal government…”

“Does this sound false to you?”  VGRF asked as she walked closer to the gate so that the phone would pick up all the zombie snarls and growls.

“Hold on,”  the operator said.

We waited a few minutes.

You're stuck in the middle of what now?

You’re stuck in the middle of what now?

“Ma’am, I’m told we’ve set up a special hotline for all reports stemming from the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse.  If you give me your number I’ll text it to you.”

“Oh for the love of…fine!”

VGRF made the same mistake I did, trying to read Alien Jones’ phone number off the screen.

“I think there’s three pyramids…”

She covered the receiver and showed the screen to Alien Jones.

“Is that a cat with a syringe?”

“It’s the sign of the Omnosphar Contingent,”  Alien Jones said.  “But that’s no matter.  Hang up, for I have already read the minds of your government’s officials and they have no intention of helping you.”

“Really?”  VGRF asked.

“Really,”  the Esteemed Brainy one said.  “They’ve determined that it is better to quarantine East Randomtown rather than allow any survivors to leave.  It is their hope that the zombies will just devour everyone and then each other until there is no sustenance left and they all die…again.”

VGRF’s face took a depressed turn.  She hanged up the phone.

“We’re doomed.”

“Not necessarily,” Alien Jones said.  “I will do all I can to get this group to safety.  The Mighty Potentate will expect nothing less.”

I grabbed the space phone.

“I need to consult one of the world’s preeminent zombie scholars about this.”

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  3.5 readers, you have no idea how many hilarious porn site names I thought up in order to write this post, checked to see if they’re real or not (for research purposes only, of course) only to discover the porn industry has no shame when it comes to using hilarious sounding names.  “Buttstravaganza.com” was the first one I came up with that does not exist, and thus it was used for fictional purposes in the story above.

Future reader of this post,  if somewhere out there, at some date in the future, some pornographers start up a site called “Buttstravaganza.com,” please know it did not exist when I wrote this.

I of course never frequent such horrible sites.  VGRF may be my soulmate, but she’s also a liar, liar pants on fire.  It’s all WordPress and Wall Street Journal for me.

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