Daily Archives: October 2, 2015

Network News One Coverage of the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse – EXCLUSIVELY on BQB’s Facebook Page

By: Kurt Manley, Network News One Anchormanshutterstock_193904291 copy

…The Vatican said the Pope had no idea a family of squirrels was living inside his pointy hat, but will not disturb them until they’re ready to move out on their own.

In other news, the eyes of the world are locked to a shocking story coming out of East Randomtown, USA, which has been overrun with zombies since Thursday, Oct. 1.  Network News One, your number one source for news brought to you by hot ass chicks who totally used to be lingerie models before we stuck a microphone in their hands, will be covering the latest developments until this zombie outbreak is resolved.

That’s right, hot ass chick reporters like this one:

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What?  Oh right.  You wanted some photos of the zombie apocalypse.  Here’s one submitted by East Randomtown resident Leo McKoy, local degenerate bum and drunkard:

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Yeesh!  What a gruesome bunch!  I need to check out one of our hot chick reporters again to get that image out of my mind:

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Aww yeah, that’s the stuff.

Viewers, we here at Network News One know you have your choice of 24-hour news stations.

That’s why we’re the only network that features a legion of hot chick reporters ready to fly anywhere in the world to report the latest crap storm that just happened.

Let’s face it, this world is a total shit hole, and if you’re one of those people who can’t keep your eyes off it, then you might as well keep your eyes on a hot chick reporter while the latest story to shake your faith in humanity unfolds.

Now, if you’re one of those caveman troglodytes that doesn’t have a TV, or worse, if your cable provider is one of those asshat companies that doesn’t provide you with access to Network News One, then you can still get access to the latest NN1 stories by liking Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Facebook Page.

Hold on folks, I need to talk to my producer.

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Really, Murray?  A Facebook page for some dumbass who only has 3.5 readers?  That’s the best we could do?  What?  No!  Don’t try to justify this screwup.  Polish your resume, loser, because you’re outta here!

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Sorry about that, viewers.  As I was just telling Murray, we here at Network News One are so proud to be partnering with the Bookshelf Battle Facebook Page to bring you the latest zombie apocalypse news.

Don’t forget, our Network News One reports will ONLY be available on BQB’s Facebook page, so you will have to check it out and give a nerd a like to view these quality pieces of journalism.

Stories we have so far are about the reality television stars who we believe may have been zombified during the crisis, and also how acclaimed teflon underpants inventor Dr. Hugo Von Science is wanted for questioning with regard to this whole mess.

And remember, if you’re one of those damn procrastinators who won’t just click on BQB’s Facebook page today, you can always find it later by typing…

www.facebook.com/bookshelfqbattler

…into your web browser.

Coming up in the next hour block, is your toothpaste giving you herpes?  Put that brush down and sit by your TV until we give you the answer after sports and weather…but first this commercial break.

NETWORK NEWS ONE

THE HOTTEST CHICKS…OH YEAH, AND OCCASIONALLY WE DO SOME JOURNALISM SHIT TOO

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#31Zombie Authors – Day 2 Interview – Jaime Johnesee – What If There’s a Good Zombie?

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FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

Amazon

Twitter     Website

Today’s guest is Jaime Johnesee, author of the Bob the Zombie series. Twenty-five year old slacker Bob dies in a comical way. When his mother can’t stand to see him gone, she hires a necromancer to bring him back to life and alas, Bob has to adjust to a new existence as an undead being.

Along the way, Bob is thrust into all kinds of funny scenarios, from taking on the dating world to becoming a spy.

Jaime, welcome. Thanks for taking my space phone call.

NOTE: BOLD=BQB; Italics=Jaime

misadventures of Bob Amazon Size copyQ.  A dispute has arisen amongst my group of survivors. My friend, Bernie Plotz, says all zombies are vicious monsters and we should waste every one of them that we come across. My girlfriend, Video Game Rack Fighter, maintains that they all can’t be that bad. There might be a few zombies who are bumbling, confused and not really out to hurt anyone, thus we should leave them alone. I find myself agreeing with her, because after reading Bob the Zombie, I’ve come to the conclusion that some zombies might actually be ok guys.

What motivated you to write a book about a good zombie?

A.  I am a huge zompoc fan and one day I thought about how rough it would be for a zombie that was nothing like the current stereotypes to make it in our society and so Bob was born.

Q. As an Average Joe I find myself sympathizing with Bob. Most people, upon gaining zombie powers, would probably fumble around for awhile until they get the hang of it. Do you find that readers relate to Bob’s antics?

A. I do. Bob is sort of the everyman, well, everyzombie. He likes classic rock, movies, books and is just trying to get through each day without any problems. Poor fellow is sort of a magnet for bad luck, but he keeps a good sense of humor about it.

Q. The words “comedy” and “zombie” do not seem like they’d mix well together, yet you’ve managed to do just that. How do you bring these two very different genres together so well?

A. I humanized Bob. In his world zombies aren’t mindless beasts craving flesh, they’re just people who had their souls stuck back into their rotting corpses via magic. He’s not a bad guy, he’s sort of a victim.

Q. Surely, Bob still needs to survive despite his good nature. If not the brains of innocent victims, then what does he eat?

A. Bob is a big fan of Taco Bell. Though he does have some friends in the Coroner’s office that occasionally supply him with leftovers. He also eats calves brains to get by.

Q. It’s not all comedy in the Jaime Johnesee world though. Can you fill my 3.5 readers in on some of your other works? You know, the ones that feature characters who, unlike Bob, I should totally shoot if I see them?

A. I used to like to write about the scariest monsters in the world, humans. Serial killers in particular. These days I prefer my monsters to be a little less real. In Bob’s world there are all kinds of evil beings he has to contend with. In the series Revelations that I am coauthoring for Devil Dog Press with Christine Sutton and Lisa Lane, my character is a demon, the First Knight of Hell no less. That said, she’s not completely evil, though she does track down and destroy those who are with the help of a succubus and a shapeshifter.

Q. Thanks for your help. You’ve convinced me. If I see a zombie like Bob out there, I won’t take a shot at him. Before I go, do you have any other advice on how to survive the East Randomtown Apocalypse?
A. Thanks for having me by to chat. The best advice I can give is to make sure you beware the people. They are often more deadly than the zombies.

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BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 2

Video Game Rack Fighter loves to play Car Thief Mayhem

Video Game Rack Fighter loves to play Car Thief Mayhem

Video Game Rack Fighter was in her element.

She’d hooked up a gaming console to a fifty inch flat screen, moved a couple of bean bag chairs in front of it, and was fielding questions from Alien Jones regarding the finer points of her favorite video game, Car Thief Mayhem.

“You’re operating that stolen vehicle at an inadvisable pace,” Alien Jones said. “You run the risk of injuring one of these pixelized beings and…oh my! There goes an entire gaggle of prostitutes.”

“It’s just make believe,” VGRF said.

“Why would one want to pretend to run over prostitutes?” the Esteemed Brainy one asked.

“I don’t know,” VGRF. “It’s just a game.”

“Are all humans aware this is just a game?” Alien Jones inquired. “Surely there are some slower witted hairless apes who might take this too seriously.”

Bernie walked up with a shotgun.

“Aww sweet, Car Thief Mayhem! I get dibs on next game! I’ma run me over some prostitutes!”

“Case in point,” Alien Jones said.

“Bernie,” I said. “Where the hell did you get that?”

“What, this?” Bernie asked as he cocked his new gat. “God bless America baby! Food, clothes, toys, and guns all under one roof. You want one? This place has a ton of ’em.”

VGRF paused her game.

“Put that away,” she said. “You’re going to hurt someone.”

“Didn’t you just shotgun a bunch of old ladies and steal their Winnebago?” AJ asked.

“Again,” VGRF replied. “It was make believe. I’m not one of the idiots who can’t tell the difference between fantasy and reality.”

“Bernie,” I said. “Show me where you found that. We should all be packing.”

“Hell to the yeah, ‘cuz. I’ma stone cold busta cap in some zombie ass. Blakow!”

“Hold on,” VGRF said. “What if there’s a nice zombie?”

“What?” I asked.

“A nice zombie!” VGRF repeated. “Or a confused, bumbling zombie. No one wants to be a zombie. Should we really just start shooting zombies with reckless abandon if we don’t have to?”

“Check it,” Bernie said. “Zombies ain’t all like the people they used to be and shit, girl. Maybe they used to be nice people but now all they want to do is rip us open, feast on our guts, and turn us into zombies.”

“I don’t know if that’s true,” VGRF said. “Maybe most of them but not all of them. If we can avoid killing them we should.”

I grabbed Alien Jones’ space phone.

“Hold on. I know who can settle this argument.”

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