…The Vatican said the Pope had no idea a family of squirrels was living inside his pointy hat, but will not disturb them until they’re ready to move out on their own.
In other news, the eyes of the world are locked to a shocking story coming out of East Randomtown, USA, which has been overrun with zombies since Thursday, Oct. 1. Network News One, your number one source for news brought to you by hot ass chicks who totally used to be lingerie models before we stuck a microphone in their hands, will be covering the latest developments until this zombie outbreak is resolved.
That’s right, hot ass chick reporters like this one:
What? Oh right. You wanted some photos of the zombie apocalypse. Here’s one submitted by East Randomtown resident Leo McKoy, local degenerate bum and drunkard:
Yeesh! What a gruesome bunch! I need to check out one of our hot chick reporters again to get that image out of my mind:
Aww yeah, that’s the stuff.
Viewers, we here at Network News One know you have your choice of 24-hour news stations.
That’s why we’re the only network that features a legion of hot chick reporters ready to fly anywhere in the world to report the latest crap storm that just happened.
Let’s face it, this world is a total shit hole, and if you’re one of those people who can’t keep your eyes off it, then you might as well keep your eyes on a hot chick reporter while the latest story to shake your faith in humanity unfolds.
Now, if you’re one of those caveman troglodytes that doesn’t have a TV, or worse, if your cable provider is one of those asshat companies that doesn’t provide you with access to Network News One, then you can still get access to the latest NN1 stories by liking Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Facebook Page.
Hold on folks, I need to talk to my producer.
Really, Murray? A Facebook page for some dumbass who only has 3.5 readers? That’s the best we could do? What? No! Don’t try to justify this screwup. Polish your resume, loser, because you’re outta here!
Sorry about that, viewers. As I was just telling Murray, we here at Network News One are so proud to be partnering with the Bookshelf Battle Facebook Page to bring you the latest zombie apocalypse news.
Don’t forget, our Network News One reports will ONLY be available on BQB’s Facebook page, so you will have to check it out and give a nerd a like to view these quality pieces of journalism.
Stories we have so far are about the reality television stars who we believe may have been zombified during the crisis, and also how acclaimed teflon underpants inventor Dr. Hugo Von Science is wanted for questioning with regard to this whole mess.
And remember, if you’re one of those damn procrastinators who won’t just click on BQB’s Facebook page today, you can always find it later by typing…
…into your web browser.
Coming up in the next hour block, is your toothpaste giving you herpes? Put that brush down and sit by your TV until we give you the answer after sports and weather…but first this commercial break.
NETWORK NEWS ONE
THE HOTTEST CHICKS…OH YEAH, AND OCCASIONALLY WE DO SOME JOURNALISM SHIT TOO