“I am the way into the city of woe,
I am the way into eternal pain,
I am the way to go among the lost.Justice caused my high architect to move,
Divine omnipotence created me,
The highest wisdom, and the primal love.Before me there were no created things
But those that last forever—as do I.
Abandon all hope you who enter here.”-Dante’s Inferno
I felt like I was in the seventh circle of hell.
Typical Blandie
“You’re so useless, BQB,” whined my ex-girlfriend, Blandie. “A real man would have rescued me already. A real man would have swooped me up in his arms and whisked me back to his house for drinks by now.”.
“Maybe you should call Troy,” I said. “Or Channing. Or Lance. Or one of those perfectly coiffed hair muscle bound douches you assured me you weren’t sleeping with behind my back even though you totally were!”
“Oh whatever,” Blandie said. “A real man wouldn’t have his head stuck in the past.”
“Call the Mighty Potentate,” I said to Alien Jones. “I want him to vaporize me and put me out of my misery.”
“He won’t do that,” my alien buddy replied. “He believes in you too much, though personally, I wonder if he might have jumbled his prophecy. Not that I’d ever tell him.”
“Why do you keep writing on that stupid blog of yours, anyway?” Blandie asked. “Writing. Please. Lame. I mean, ‘Hello?’ It’s the twenty-first century! No one reads anymore! Get your head out of the clouds! Duh!”
Bernie was fast asleep. VGRF distracted herself from Blandie’s blatherings with Alien Jones’ space phone, playing a rousing game of Car Thief Mayhem: Mobile Edition.
Can’t get enough of that Car Thief Mayhem
“When are you ever going to stop being a nerd and grow up, BQB?” Blandie asked.
“You know what?” I asked. “No. Forget it. It’s not even worth it to tell you off.”
“Oh whatever,” Blandie said. “Like I care.”
“People are different, Blandie,” I said. “I act like a nerd because I AM a nerd. You made me feel like shit for years, that there was something wrong with me…”
I put my arm around VGRF and snuggled her close to me. Her eyes remained fixated on her video game.
“…it wasn’t until I met this goddess that I realized it was ok to be me, that there’s nothing wrong with being a nerd. I am nerd, hear me roar, in numbers too big too ignore.”
“Aw sweet!” VGRF said. “I just ran over a crack dealer and stole all his money!”
Blandie blew a raspberry, making a big “PBBBHHHT!” sound.
“Whatever.”
Blandie was a big fan of the word, “whatever.”
“You’re a nobody, BQB,” Blandie said. “You think you’re somebody but you’re not. The whole time we were together, you were just this big geek who played with action figures and read comic books and wrote boring stories and wore dorky glasses and….and….”
Blandie’s eyes welled up and tears poured out.
“BQB, the human is leaking,” Alien Jones said.
VGRF paused her game.
Bernie snored. He could sleep through anything.
“…and you were always THERE FOR ME!!!”
Blandie broke out into full weeping mode and threw herself at me, blubbering incessantly as she forced her words out between sobs.
“You never cheated on me like Troy did and you didn’t steal my life’s savings and run off with my sister like Channing did and I don’t even want to tell you what Lance did…”
“Um,” I said as I timidly patted Blandie on the head. “There there?”
“I’m going to die alone in the zombie apocalypse and my last thoughts are going to be about how I gave up the only man who ever truly loved me and that he’ll never take me back now because he’s in love with a girl who buys all of her clothes from the dollar store!”
“This is all JC Penney, bitch!” VGRF said.
Blandie snorted and cried some more until she passed out and fell asleep. Gently, I rested her head down onto one of the bug out bags, letting her use it as a pillow.
“I’m the man,” I said.
“What?” VGRF asked.
“I’ve found the love of my life in you, plus the girl who broke my heart is beside herself in agony over losing me.”
“Please,” VGRF said. “That’s just the zombie apocalypse talking. When she wakes up, she’ll go back to chewing you out again.”
“True,” I said. “Being locked in this small room with her is like being trapped in…”
“Hell?” Alien Jones asked. “As described by the human writer, Dante?”
“Exactly,” I said as I picked up the space phone. “Come to think of it, I know an author who could shed some light on this.”
Bookshelf Battle 