Good day, noble reader.
Bookshelf Q. Battler here.
Most likely, we haven’t met yet, but I hold many titles. Specifically, I’m a world renowned poindexter, epic nerdventurer, reviewer of pop cultural happenings, a magic bookshelf caretaker and last, but certainly not least, a champion yeti fighter.
I won’t waste too much of your time going into all that hullabaloo. If you’re interested (and I hope you are) you can read more about my life by visiting my humble blog, “Bookshelf Battle” located for your convenience at bookshelfbattle.com
As of this writing, I’m proud to announce that the Bookshelf Battle Blog boasts upwards of 3.5 readers, and it would be a distinct honor for me if you would bring that total up to 4.5.
Hell, if you’re one of those fancy people who has friends, feel free to tell them about me and together, we can make my plan to get my website up to 30.5 readers by 2020 a reality.
If you’ll allow me this brief plug, the Bookshelf Battle Blog is a rousing celebration of all things nerdy. I don’t mean to imply that you, specifically, are a nerd. Cool people purchase books on how to survive zombie apocalypses all the time. For the rest of you nerds, I think you’ll feel right at home after your first visit.
I’m not going to lie. It isn’t easy juggling my many duties. Did I mention on top of all this I hold two full-time jobs?
One of them even pays. I currently hold the distinguished position of Assistant to the Assistant of the Vice-President of Corporate Assistance of Beige Corporation, the world’s premiere supplier of beige products and accessories.
Our motto? “When you need to wear a color that says absolutely nothing about you as a person whatsoever, try beige!”
Yup. It’s a gig that is as boring as it sounds, but it does pay the bills. Don’t worry, I’m only doing it until my career as a self-published writer takes off.
FYI my writing career needs to take off or else a maniacal alien despot has pledged that he will conquer the planet, but I don’t want to bore you with my problems.
Well, technically it’s also your problem, unless you’re one of those who weirdoes who thinks getting your planet conquered by an alien would be good times. Personally, I doubt it.
Theoretically, I’m not sure the aliens could do any worse than the folks running the joint right now, but this isn’t a political book, so I don’t want to open that can of worms.
Where was I? Oh right. Telling you about my two full-time jobs.
The second one only pays me in heartburn and increased stress levels. But it’s also the reason why I have become an expert on the subject of zombie attacks.
You see, I currently hold the position of Acting Mayor of East Randomtown, USA.
I was never elected and honestly, I don’t even want the job because it requires me to listen to the incessant complaints of a bunch of dumb dummies. Literally, Kim Kardashian could challenge any one of my constituents to a debate and come off sound like Steve Hawking against these brain donors.
Look, I’m not trying to disparage my home town, but facts are facts, and here are some facts that will help you get the full picture of what I’m dealing with here:
- An Absurdly High Mortality Rate – My home town leads the world in deaths caused by accidental choking caused by an inability to walk and chew gum at the same time. I have done my best with a “Spit Before You Hoof It” campaign but I can only do so much. We are also the town with the highest number of accidental drownings due to people leaving their mouths open when it rains. Thanks to my leadership, every neighborhood has a drown warden now, charged with the task of reminding everyone to shut their suck holes at the first sight of a rain drop.
- Poor Education – Thanks to my “Books Won’t Steal Your Soul” initiative, I was able to convince more townsfolk to pursue higher education for awhile. Alas, that all stopped when the local Hipster Hut had a sale on laser pointers. Now half the populace just draws on their walls with their laser pointers while the other half, much like cats, try to catch the light between their hands.
- Favorite Pasttimes – Baseball? No. Our official town sport is “Getting Drunk and Accusing Other People of Thinking They’re Better Than You.” Resident Otto Dobner holds the record, having accused three hundred and eighty seven residents of thinking they’re better than he is. (Between you and I, most of them were.)
Point? I never would have voluntarily sought the position of being the leader of this moronic wasteland.
Rather, I was drafted into the position in October of 2015, during which I bravely and selflessly took it upon myself to save the town from a zombie apocalypse caused by the evil mad scientist, Dr. Hugo Von Science. (Side note: Dr. Hugo is still a columnist for my blog but my lawyer is working on breaking that contract on the grounds of, well, he’s a nutbag who enjoys causing zombie apocalypses.)
Long story short, our elected mayor was eaten by zombies and then our self-appointed mayor tried to kill me and feed me to zombies. Ultimately, I had to take the position and am doing my best to suffer through it until someone with half a brain is willing to take this burden off my hands.
I’m not holding my breath. If you’re interested in the events of the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse, you can read more about that on my blog. Hell, feel free to click a few extra buttons while you’re there because it gives me the warm fuzzies whenever I see my blog stats go up.
My purpose with this book isn’t to educate you about the zombie mayhem that went down in East Randomtown. Suffice to say, under my leadership, a whopping 35% of the townspeople were saved, which sounds low, but if you think you could save more people during a zombie apocalypse, then feel free to write your own guide to surviving a zompoc, you braggadocios pain in the posterior, you.
Instead, my goal is to take you, the noble reader, open up your brain and pour in all the knowledge I gained as an experienced fighter of the undead, thus turning you into a bad ass zombie apocalypse survivor.
Noble reader, I’ll even make you this guarantee.
If a zombie apocalypse ever does break out and the knowledge you gained from this book does not prevent you from dying a miserably gruesome death at the hands of disgustingly wretched zombies, then simply send me a tweet @bookshelfbattle and I’ll happily give you a full refund.
And if there’s never a zombie apocalypse, then you’re welcome. No doubt that will be the result of all the zombie apocalypse avoidance information that you will also find inside this revered tome.
Thank you for your time, your interest, and most importantly, the sweet sticky scrilla you dropped on this book. Know that it will be spent on a good cause, namely, a wings and skins sampler at my favorite chain restaurant, which I will stuff in my face hole in your honor.
Now take my hand and join me on this epic learning experience.
Hold onto your brains. It’s going to be a bumpy ride. (And also, it makes it harder for the zombies to eat them.)
Bookshelf Q. Battler
Blogger-in-Chief of the Bookshelf Battle Blog