Our hands were bound behind us as Hauser’s goons lead us into the gym.
A small card table was set up. Hauser sat in a folding chair in the middle. To his left was Mario Guzman, the settlement’s accountant. To his right was Janet Melman. As a nurse, she was the only one left in town with any medical training. Mario and Janet were Hauser’s two closest advisors.
Hauser banged an empty beer can on the table. I guess that was the closest thing he had to a gavel.
The Right Honorable Mayor Hauser
“Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein,” Hauser said.
“That’s Bookshelf Q. Battler to you, failed actor,” I replied.
“Fine. Bookshelf Q. Battler. You stand accused of grand larceny of community property and treason against Fort Hauser. How do you plead?”
“That this is all some bogus bullshit,” I said. “You know you framed me, Doug.”
“Oh sure, blame me for your treachery,” Doug said.
Mario intervened.
“BQB, your only options here are guilty or not-guilty.”
“Fine. Not guilty.”
Mario took over.
“Video Game Rack Fighter aka Victoria Gloria Somersby Stratenhaus. Bernard Plotz. Bland Life Settler. And uh, I’m sorry BQB, what’s your deformed kid’s name?”
I sighed.
“AJ.”
I leaned down to whisper to Alien Jones.
“Just so we’re clear, you could totally vaporize these clowns, right?”
“Yes.”
“But you’re not going to?”
“Sorry. Potentate’s orders. No vapey vaping the humans in public unless it’s absolutely necessary.”
“It’s looking pretty necessary.”
“Nah, you got this, nerd,” Alien Jones replied.
Hauser banged his beer can.
“The prisoners are ordered not to talk to each other!”
“Bernie, Blandie, and AJ, you’re accused of conspiracy and aiding and abetting BQB in a criminal enterprise. How do you plead?”
“Not guilty,” Bernie said.
“Not guilty,” Alien Jones said, turning heads with his Barry White-esque voice.
“Question,” Blandie said. “If I say whatever you want about BQB, will you let me go?”
“No,” Hauser said. “We’ve pretty much convicted all of you dirtbags in our minds already.”
“Fine, not guilty then.”
“OK, so now what?” I asked. “I get flogged? Horse whipped? Put in the stockade? Sent to bed without my supper, what?”
“This was just your arraignment, BQB,” Mario said. “Your trial is tomorrow.”
Hauser leaned in and said ominously, “A trial by… zombie combat!”
“Oh come on!” I said. “You’re going to make us fight zombies? Isn’t that a little ridiculous? All because of what? A little alleged toilet paper theft?”
Janet shuffled a few papers and looked at me.
“Our settlement might not be much, but we’re nothing if we don’t have law and order, BQB,” the nurse said.
“But what the hell will making us fight zombies even prove?” I asked. “That’s the worst idea for a trial I’ve ever heard of!”
“What kind of a trial do you suggest?” Mario asked.
“A real one! One with facts, witnesses, evidence and rational arguments!”
“You’re losing me,” Mario replied.
“Hear me out and I will prove to you that none of us had anything to do with the supply theft…”
I pointed at Hauser.
“…and that that piece of shit set us up!”
“That’s an outrageous charge, BQB!” Janet said. “Why, without Mayor Hauser’s leadership I doubt any of us would have lasted this long.”
Hauser laid it on thick.
“Oh, Janet, that’s ok. The young man knows not what he does.”
“BQB,” Mario said. “This idea of an ‘actual trial’ you raise. That was the way of the old world. We’ve built a new society since then and the old world’s ways just don’t apply any more.”
I felt like I was in an insane asylum.
“It’s only been twenty-five days!” I said. “The apocalypse only affected this stupid town! The world still exists! We’re still in America! You can’t force us to fight zombies!”
“Not ‘us,’” Mario said. “Just one of you.”
Mario looked around.
“Who will be the champion of Fort Hauser?” he asked.
“I will,” Hauser said. “Douglas Hauser. I took thirty seconds worth of punches in the 1980’s, I can certainly take on a pathetic book nerd.”
“I’ll round house kick your face, old man!”
I leaned down to AJ.
“Still ixnay on the ape-vay?”
“Up-yay.”
“Amnit-day!”
“Will you be your group’s champion, BQB?” Mario asked.
I turned to my group.
“Don’t try to talk me out of this.”
Pause.
“No one is,” Blandie said.
I turned back.
“Yes. I will be the Champion of All Nerds, as I have been since the day I was born.”
“Then it’s settled,” Mario said. “Zombie combat at dawn!”
“Wait,” I said. “How is this zombie combat if I’m fighting Hauser?”
“You and Mayor Hauser will fight each other AND zombies,” Mario explained.
“Oh you people suck so much ass,” I said.
George and the DiStefanos had been watching us the entire time. Mario looked at them.
“Take the prisoners away.”
“With pleasure,” George said.
“It’s going to be ok,” VGRF said.
“I hope so,” I said as George prodded me in the back with the butt of his rifle. “But I’d better call a zombie author for some encouragement first.”
Bookshelf Battle 