PSA: Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death

Hello 3.5 readers.

I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler, a World Renowned Poindexter, Reviewer of Books, Movies and Assorted Cultural Happenings, and a Champion Yeti Fighter.

But today, as we prepare to give birth to our Thanksgiving food babies and slowly ease ourselves out of our tryptophan coma (preferably in reverse order so you don’t have to clean your sheets), I’d like to talk about a cause that’s near and dear to my heart:

Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death.


Right now, as we’re kicking back and enjoying seconds and thirds of pie and karate chopping each other over the limited amount of technological gadgets at our local stores, let’s take a moment to remember those less fortunate, the people who aren’t here to take part in festive holiday frivolity because…

…they’re dead.  Yes.  They’re friggin’ dead.  They were powerless against the allure of a giant, lightning infused toaster pastry so they ate it then died on the can whilst trying to expel a trapped lightning bolt from their nether regions.

Every year, 942 million Americans die on the toilet while trying to eliminate a pesky lightning bolt.  What?  Those figures are suspect because at present there’s only roughly 321 million Americans.

Well sir or madam as the case may be, if you want to quibble with the fine folks at the Fake Institute for Bogus Research’s findings on Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death then you’re free to do so, but personally, I think you’re being just a tad insensitive.

To date, I am the only known survivor or LITPTD.  And that’s only because I met William Shakespeare in the afterlife and he told me that God gave me a second chance so that I can search for the meaning of life.

Come to think of it, I do need to finish that story and let you all know how it worked out.

3.5 readers: But Bookshelf Q. Battler, what can WE do against the LITPTD scourge?

I’m sad to say, not much, 3.5 readers.  You see, the so-called, quote unquote “medical professionals” don’t recognize LITPTD as a real condition.  Most inflicted people just shoot the bolt out their butt and then croak and then the EMTs who arrive just assume the deceased had a brain spasm due to over zealous pushing.

In fact, had I not returned from the dead to alert you fine 3.5 readers of this affliction, I don’t anyone would ever be aware.  Who knows just how many individuals have died in the throws of a lightning infused toaster pastry expulsion only to have it mislabeled as a random butt straining death by incompetent medical professionals?

I’m here.  LITPTD is real.  Get used to it.  Oh, and also, steer clear of it.  Far away from it.  Seriously, if you know someone who has eaten a lightning infused toaster pastry, get out of the house and drive to the next state over.

Thank you 3.5 readers.  Enjoy your weekend and remember, stay away from lightning infused toaster pastries.  Sure they taste good going in, but they’re make a terrible mess on the way out.

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