Daily Archives: August 13, 2016

Aug 13 2016
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Movies

Top Ten 1980s Comedies

Popcorn

Hey…hey…hey….hey! Ooo uh ooo whoa…don’t you…forget to check out BQB’s list of the funniest flicks to come out during the 1980s.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, in no particular order:

#10 – Revenge of the Nerds (1984) – As one of the greatest Internet nerds today, I should know the history of the word “nerd.” I’m sure it is lengthy but any rate, this movie did more to introduce the concept of nerds into pop culture than anything else.  Disrespected for their glasses and computer prowess (which wasn’t much to write home about by today’s standards) Lewis and Gilbert (Robert Carradine and Anthony Edwards) gather their campus’ supply of nerds together to rebel against the jocks, who in typical 1980s bully fashion, love to wear their sweaters as capes by tying the sleeves around their necks then allowing the sweaters themselves to drape down over their backs.

Also, this movie had boobs.  I can’t even remember the last time I saw a boob in a movie. Travesty of justice, I say.

#9 – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986) – A high school ne’er-do-well (Matthew Broderick as Ferris) concocts an elaborate scheme to convince his parents that he is sick so he can skip school and take his hot girlfriend Sloane (Mia Sara) and uptight, perpetually worried best friend Cameron (Alan Ruck) on a fun trip to Chicago.

Along the way, Ferris manages to stay one step ahead of bumbling principal Ed Rooney (Jeffrey Jones) and the audience laughs their asses off as a dedicated public servant is put through one harrowing ordeal after another as he attempts to catch a student in the act of truancy, or in other words, his damn job.

Memorable line – “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.”  Damn, if that isn’t the truth. In fact, I remember being a little boy in the video store watching this movie play on the display TV as if it were yesterday. Umm, kids, a video store was…oh forget it.

#8 – Coming to America (1988) – Under pressure from his father (James Earl Jones as Jaffe Joffer, King of Fictional African Country Zamunda), Prince Akeem (Eddie Murphy) flees with his trusty manservant Semmi (Arsenio Hall) for Queens, New York in search of, well, his bride, who will one day be the Queen.  This movie is a fun meditation on figuring out what you are looking for in a mate and how money and power can ruin things.  After all, there are plenty of women who would like to marry a prince, but Akeem poses as being dirt poor just to find a woman who will love him for who he is inside. Plus, holy shit. This movie was outright hilarious and still is.  Eddie is the master of playing multiple characters in a movie.

#7 – Weird Science (1985) – Dejected and lonely, big time nerds Gary (Anthony Michael Hall) and Wyatt (Ilan Mitchell-Smith) use their computers skills to create Lisa (Kelly Le Brock) aka the woman of their dreams. Lisa teaches the lads how to develop the manly confidence they need to stand up to bullies Ian (Robert Downey Jr. long before he became Iron Man) and Max (Robert Rusler) not to mention Wyatt’s mean, pain in the ass older brother Chet (Bill Paxton.)  Besides inspiring to spend many years of my life trying to create a hot babe with my computer to no avail, I remember this film for cementing the phrase “squeeze the cheese” as a euphemism for pooping into pop culture.  Good show.

#6 – National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983) – Family vacations gone awry. Who’s never experienced that before? Try as you might, something inevitably goes wrong. Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) is the dopey dad/dedicated family man obsessed with planning the perfect family getaway to Walley World.  Alas, one problem after the next gets in his way.  Even so, nothing will stop Clark from showing the Griswold clan (Beverly D’Angelo as wife Ellen, Anthony Michael Hall (damn that kid got a lot of work in the 1980s) as Rusty and Dana Barron as Audrey) a good time.

This film inspired a franchise that gave us hits European Vacation and the ever quotable holiday classic Christmas Vacation (I watch this every year).  Admittedly, they probably could have stopped at Vegas Vacation. Then again, Clark didn’t stop when Walley World was closed, did he?

#5 – Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) – Before Sean Penn became a self-declared, self-righteous world traveling wannabe diplomat, he was Jeff Spicoli, the California dude who defied crotchety teacher Mr. Hand (Ray Walston) by having a pizza delivered directly to class.  Relive your minimum wage slave days as Brad (Judge Reinhold) is forced to don a tacky pirate costume to work at a seafood restaurant. And come on, you’ll always remember the first time you spotted Linda (Phoebe Cates) emerging from that pool.  Phoebe was highly underutilized by Hollywood, if you ask me. Gremlins. Drop Dead Fred.  Then alas, she kind of just disappeared.  Meanwhile Judge Reinhold continues to get steady work. Oh, the irony!

#4 – Caddyshack (1980) – Rodney Dangerfeld’s classic line was true. He got no respect. No respect at all.  In fact, he worked steadily as an entertainer his entire life only to find fame in his sixties. Oh well. Better late than never.  In this film, Rodney plays nouveau riche boor Al Czervik whose uncouth ways turn a high falutin’ country club up on its ear.  Club member Judge Smails (Ted Knight, who cornered the market on playing rich snobby douches in 1970s and 80s movies) wouldn’t stand for it. Al and the Judge square off to hilarious results, as groundskeeper Carl Spackler attempts to explode an unruly gopher.

#3 – Back to School – The 1980s really were Rodney’s decade as he had another hit, Back to School. Again, he plays a self-made man who clashes with folks who were born into wealth. This time around, Rodney is millionaire Thornton Mellon, who decides to cramp the style of his son, Jason (Keith Gordon) by attending college with him.  Thornton enjoys the social part of college, throwing wild, out of control parties. Yet, he uses his wealth to contract out his homework to hilarious results (he hires author Kurt Vonnegut to write about paper about himself.)  Eventually, Thornton realizes the error of his ways and decides that the point of college is to cram the knowledge into his own brain.  Funny cameo by Sam Kinison who relays tales of his Vietnam veteran experience to the class in a loud, hilarious way.  “Oh, oh, OH!!!”

#2 – Ghostbusters (1984) – “Who you gonna call?” The likes of this film had never been seen before at the time.  Action. Comedy. Horror. Special effects. All rolled up into a tight package. Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, Harold Ramis and Ernie Hudson as New York City’s premiere squad of professional paranormal investigators and eliminators. They weren’t afraid of no ghost and really, the movie’s greatest villain was the government as EPA agent Walter Peck (William Atherton) shuts down the team’s ghost containment unit. (“Is this true? Yes this is true. This man has no dick.”)  In Walter’s defense though, the Ghostbusters did rely heavily on the use of nuclear technology in their projects and there never was an explanation of how they got their hands on them.

# 1 – Airplane (1980) – “Surely, you can’t be serious? I am and don’t call me Shirley.”  Oh Airplane. Oh Zucker brothers. Jokes for the sake of jokes, plot and and likelihood be damned.  People are so uptight now. They don’t just laugh anymore. There always has to be some explanation for everything.  No one can just look at an inflatable autopilot smiling as if it were getting a blowjob with the humor it deserves. Everyone would want to know how the autopilot was able to smile.  Former air force pilot Ted Striker (Robert Hays) must overcome his past to land a commercial jetliner when the crew falls ill with food poisoning. Along the way, he rekindles the romance he once had with stewardess Elaine (the epically sweet voiced Julie Hagerty.)

I’ll watch this movie whenever it is on but I don’t know if we’ll ever see another one just like it. Zaniness is no longer appreciated. Jonathan Banks (known today as Mike in Breaking Bad) being asked to “check the radar range” only to open a microwave door to reveal an undercooked  turkey and give a reply of “About two more minutes chief” just won’t fly anymore. People have become too literal. Everyone would want to know why he checked on a turkey.  Sigh. People aren’t funny anymore.

The film also breathed new life into the career of Leslie Nielsen, who had once been a serious thespian, only to spend his old age playing buffoons such as Frank Dreben in Police Squad. (FYI The Naked Gun) could have easily joined this list along with many other comedies.

What 1980s comedy movie did I miss, 3.5 readers? Discuss in the comments.

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Aug 13 2016
1 Comment
Zombie Western

Undead Man’s Hand – Chapter 35

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Salem, Massachusetts

1693

The Reverend Jonathan Willard was a stern faced man, his features old and withered. The old man surveyed the captives, two women and a man, each tied to a stake, kindling wood piled high over their legs.

“Who doth accuse these wretches of witchcraft?” the Reverend asked as he raised his flaming torch in the air. “Step forward and make your accusations known.”

The crowd parted to make way for three teenage puritans.

The accusations:

“Ernestina Meyer looked at me cross. I’ve felt peculiar ever since!”

“Hortense Tallmadge has a peculiar odor! It is of the devil!”

“Jericho Turner fills his home with books! What could he be doing with so many volumes if not using them to trap men’s souls?”

The Reverend shrugged his shoulders. “Eh. Good enough for me. Let the burnings begin!”

The crowd applauded.

“Wait!”

Mason Prendergast, Mayor of Salem, was a bearded man who wore a buckled hat. He pushed through the crowd until he reached the Reverend.

“Reverend Willard,” the man said. “What you are doing is most uncouth.”

“Away with you,” the Reverend said. “This trial is being conducted in accordance with biblical law.”

“You call this a trial?” the mayor asked. “‘A woman looked at me funny so let’s set her ablaze?’”

“If these three are indeed practitioners of witchcraft, they shall use their powers to shield themselves from the flames and be saved,” the Reverend said. “If not, they will all die good Christian deaths and be welcomed with open arms by the angels in heaven as martyrs in our ongoing war against the devil. I’ve thought it all through, Mayor. My logic is impeccable.”

“Your logic is non-existent!” the Mayor said. “The Governor has assured me that he will arrive in a week’s time to investigate your so-called trials. I urge you to stay your hand until then.”

“The Lord’s will cannot wait,” the Reverend said. “And besides, you don’t want bloody witches lurking about all willy nilly do you?”

“Smelling peculiar makes you a witch?” the Mayor asked.

“It doesn’t not make you a witch,” the Reverend responded triumphantly.

“And reading books?” the Mayor asked.

“Story books are tools of Satan,” the Reverend said. “Souls of men and women are trapped inside the pages and their lives turned into printed words. The bible is the only book that one should ever read. Everyone knows that. These three are vile sinners I assure you.”

The Mayor sighed. “Allowing this charade to go on for so long is my sin.”

Mayor Prendergast turned to address the crowd. “Will none of you join me in stopping this?”

The townsfolk looked to each other for a moment and then shouted in unison. “Burn the witches! Burn them!”

The Mayor shook his head. “May God have mercy on us all.”

The Reverend walked over to Ernestina. She was an older woman in her mid-forties, some gray in her hair.

“Do you confess to witchcraft?” the Reverend asked.

“Umm,” Ernestina said. “Should I confess to witchcraft?”

“God looks upon those who confess their sins with favor,” the Reverend said.

“Then…I am a witch?”

“I knew it.” The Reverend set his torch against the kindling until it was ablaze.

“Blast,” Ernestina said.

Hortense was a young woman in her early twenties with long red hair.

“Do you confess to witchcraft?”

“Pater huc me,” Hortense mumbled.

The Reverend looked to the Mayor. “Do you hear this? She speaks in tongues!

Hortense’s eyes rolled into the back of her head. “Audite me, Pater.”

“Please,” the Mayor said. “You’ve frightened the poor woman into some type of fit.”

As the flames licked Ernestina’s legs, she cried out in agony. “Agggghhhhh! I’m not a witch! I swear I’m not a witch!”

“Silence you!” the Reverend shouted at Ernestina. “Only a witch would deny being a witch!”

Hortense’s chants grew louder. “Convertimini ad me in captivos igni.”

“Enough,” the Reverend said. “I’ll hear no more of your devil’s talk.”

The Reverend set the kindling underneath Hortense ablaze.

Hortense kept chanting, louder and ever so defiant. “Et offeres super eos , ut propter audaciam!”

“And you,” the Reverend said as he reached Jericho. “What have you to say for yourself?”

Jericho was in his early thirties with a gentle, round face and long brown hair tied back behind his head.

“I apologize, Reverend,” Jericho said. “I get so very lonely sometimes and the story books…I do so enjoy reading tales of great deeds I shall never accomplish but…had I known it was an offense…”

The Reverend was clearly not swayed.

“Please Reverend,” Jericho said. “I’ll burn every book I own the second I arrive home and never look at another one again.”

“I can’t take the risk,” the Reverend said. “Warlocks are even more powerful than witches.”

Jericho closed his eyes as the Reverend set his torch upon the kindling.

Ernestina had been consumed, her remains fully charred. Jericho winced as the heat grew strong underneath him.

To the Reverend’s dismay, Hortense remained unscathed, despite being surrounded by flames. The fire simply bounced off of her.

“What in God’s name?” the Reverend asked. “You…you really are a witch!”

“Salvum fac servum tuum patrem,” Hortense shouted. “Et destinatam voluntatem semper erit!”

Whoosh! The fire that danced around Hortense’s body erupted into a massive fireball that spread its way forth, consuming the other captives, the Reverend, the Mayor, and the hundred or so townsfolk in its wake.

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Aug 13 2016
1 Comment
Zombie Western

Undead Man’s Hand – Chapter 34

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Gears clanked and the drawbridge fell across a moat that separated the Queen’s palace from the tower where the realm’s undesirables were left to rot away.

The moon was full and its rays glowed down upon the knights as they flanked the prisoner. Sir Walter marched just ahead of them.

“Perhaps a deal can be made?” Lady Beatrice asked.

“Shut your gob, lass,” Sir Walter said. “I’ll have none of your tricks.”

“Whoa…no no no!”

Sir Walter turned just in time to watch in shock as one knight pushed the other knight off the bridge.

“What treachery is this?” Sir Walter asked as he drew his sword.

The remaining knight pulled off his helmet to reveal the visage of a man who was more beautiful than handsome. Lady Beatrice immediately recognized the long black hair and piercing blue eyes.

“Marcellus!”

“Hello my love,” Marcellus said as he drew his sword.

Clang…clang…clang. Sir Walter and Marcellus locked swords, striking and blocking each other’s blows in perfect rhythm.

“Blythe, you traitorous dog!” Sir Walter shouted as he ran Marcellus through. It was a hit that would have rendered any man instantly dead, but Sir Walter watched as Marcellus gripped his iron gauntlet around the end of the sword that was lodged in his chest and pull it out as if it were but a mere annoying splinter.

“Is that your worst, Sir Walter?” Marcellus asked as his fangs popped out.

“Vampire!” Sir Walter shouted. “Christ, Sir Francis was right. You lot are everywhere.”

“Right under your unsuspecting nose for years,” Marcellus replied.

The opponents clashed their swords together with such force that sparks flew. Slowly, Marcellus inched his way towards the edge of the bridge. Sir Walter had no choice but to keep backing away to avoid being struck.

“Gahh!” Sir Walter cried as his muscles strained to block Marcellus’ sword with his own. “I taught you everything you know!”

Marcellus laughed. “You thought you did.”

The vampire relented. Just before Sir Walter could strike, his face was bashed with a head butt that sent him hurtling over the side of the bridge.

Marcellus’ face was covered with the blood of his enemy. He rubbed some of it off of his face then licked his hand.

“I thought you were dead,” Lady Beatrice said.

“Nay Antonia,” Marcellus replied. “’Twas merely what I needed Caesar to think.”

Marcellus’ gauntlets protected his hands as he removed the silver chains from his lover’s body.

He went in for a kiss, only to get a slap.

“Sixteen hundred years and not so much as a single letter!”

“Schemes take time,” Marcellus said. “And for us, a millennium might as well be a fortnight.”

The vampires embraced and kissed. As they lost themselves in each other, their bodies levitated off the bridge.

Once they were about a hundred feet in the air, Marcellus stopped. “I preferred ‘Antonia.’”

“It wasn’t a suitable name for England,” Lady Beatrice replied. “And I take it you’re Henry now?”

“Henry Alan Blythe,” the vampire said.

“Uggh,” Lady Beatrice said. “So common. Where, pre tell, shall we go now?”

“The New World, my lady,” Henry said. “It’s nice there. Quiet. Peaceful. Plenty of savages and colonists to feast on. It will give us the respite we need to plot our next moves as Phillip carries out father’s wishes.”

“Sounds delightful,” Lady Beatrice said.

The vampires pointed themselves West and took off across the night sky. Little did they know that a single hand was still holding onto the bridge below.

Sir Walter struggled until his other hand was on the bridge. His face was bloody and broken but he managed to pull himself up to safety.

“Bloody vampires.”

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