You’ll get those witches, my pretty, and then you can tell all your dawgs too!
For some reason, my post about witch pick up lines is popular. Apparently, there are lots of dudes out there trying to find a witch. So ladies, if you dabble in the occult, know that there are eligible bachelors out there looking for you to cast a spell on them.
3.5 readers, it isn’t easy being BQB. I have to murder vampires, zombies, werewolves, all of that.
But I must all destroy the lesser known freaks, like chupacabras. Yes, chupacabras. Have you heard of them? Maybe yes, maybe no.
They aren’t as popular. They literally suck the skin off goats, so you know, there’s not going to be a Twilight for chupacabras. No one’s writing a chupacabra love story. I mean, I could, because I’m that good a writer (and humble) but I’m busy.
Look, you don’t need the details. Suffice to say, an evil warlock has threatened to magically turn the wife of every man in the greater Tri-state area into a clone of Sarah Jessica Parker.
Now, yeah, I’ll admit, for some dudes with hideous wives, that’ll be an improvement. Plus, you might be like, “SJP is hot!” and like yeah, if you look at her from one angle, I’ll give you that, but then if you look at her from another angle, she’s got a horse face. Like, she looks like a horse lady. Like, I wouldn’t know whether to kiss or click my tongue three times and give her an apple and brush her coat. It’s confusing. Men don’t need that problem.
So, fear not. I will murder 1,000 chupacabras and then the warlock will be on his way.
While you’re waiting for me to finish besting this goat suckers, why not read some of Search Engine Optimized Poet’s SEO Optimized Poetry? Full of buzz words that are sure to rack up the clicks!
Is your boyfriend always polishing his wand? Does he know how to bring the magic to a relationship?
Most importantly, does he have a long ass gray beard and a pointy star hat?
Well ma’am, I hate to bring you bad news, but you may very well be dating a wizard.
Take one part The Matrix and one part Inception, throw in a dash of Harry Potter in an alternate universe where Harry Potter is for adults and you’ve got Marvel’s latest addition to its movie list, Dr. Strange.
Presto change-o, abracadabra 3.5 readers. Hold onto your magic wand because it is time for another Bookshelf Q. Battler movie review.
OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING.
Benedict Cumberbatch stars as Dr. Stephen Strange, an egotistical surgeon whose career is cut short when his hands are badly injured.
Refusing to give up all that he’s worked for, he sets out for Nepal in search of alternative physical healing.
Instead, he learns the secrets of magic, mysticism and sorcery from the Ancient One aka Tilda Swinton.
Blah blah blah. There’s another sorcerer that Dr. Strange has to fight (Mads Mikkelsen), he has an ally (Chiwetel Ejiofor) and a love interest (the ever boner inducing Rachel McAdams).
I give kudos to Cumberbatch because he branches out in this role. We all know he’s a classical style actor and has always done a great job playing deep, intense characters.
Dr. Strange is equally intense, but he’s also a cocky, wisecracking American, a role I’m not sure Cumberbatch has played yet though some movie buff out there may prove me wrong. At any rate , he does well here as the good doctor.
I enjoyed it. At times it is confusing but the special effects are great and you can start drooling as you space out and look at the pretty colors.
The doc is one of Marvel’s lesser knowns but it appears that the Marvel/Disney alliance (though not sure alliance is the right word) can take even the most obscure Marvel characters and turn them into cinematic gold. (They were able to do it for Ant-Man so a magician must have been a cinch.)
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Worth it to see it on the big screen as time bends, worlds shift, rules of physics are manipulated and so on. Plus I dig Rachel McAdams and I declare her the hottest of all Marvel superhero girlfriends thus far.
The flames dissipated. The smoke subsided. Two cloaked figures searched through the thoroughly cooked bodies.
“Are we too late?” asked the female.
“It looks that way,” the male said.
Several feet away, an unscathed hand rose into the air.
The impromptu rescue party darted for it. They removed their hoods, revealing their faces to the moonlight.
“Is she alive?” Lady Beatrice asked.
“Only one way to find out,” Henry replied. He leaned down to whisper into Hortense’s ear. “My name is Legion…”
Cough…cough. Hortense sputtered for awhile until she gave a week reply. “…for we are many.”
The redhead stood up. Her hair was a twisted mess. “What the hell is wrong with humans these days? Cast a spell to turn all of their children ugly and none of them notice but oh sure, break wind one time in mixed company and its all ‘burn her at the stake! burn her alive!’”
Hortense observed her visitors. “Oh. Hello vampires. Late to the show, I see.”
“You must be moving up in the world, Hortense,” Henry said. “Father sent us personally. I had no idea your power had grown far enough to allow you to pull off that little trick.”
“Uggh,” Hortense said as she stood up. “There was nothing little about it. I’ll be feeling it for days.”
A man’s voice groaned. “Help…please….help.”
Lady Beatrice discovered the source. It was Jericho. He was burned beyond recognition. His face charred. His flesh crisp. All but a few hairs on his head were gone.
“Charming fellow,” Hortense said. “A cobbler by trade and in his spare time, an insatiable reader. Pity he’ll be dead soon.”
Jericho’s blackened hand trembled as he raised it.
“Not soon enough,” Henry said as he lifted his boot, preparing to bring it down on Jericho’s face.
“Stop,” Lady Beatrice said.
Henry returned his boot to the ground. “What?”
Lady Beatrice fell to her knees by Jericho’s side, then looked up at Henry. “I want to keep him.”
“Keep him?!” Henry scoffed.
“You promised we’d start a family,” Lady Beatrice said.
“When we find some trustworthy humans to bring into the Legion’s fold,” Henry said.
“Oh honestly,” Lady Beatrice said. “If we wait to find a trustworthy human we’ll never have children, Henry.”
“You have him then,” Henry said. “He’ll be no son of mine.”
“Look at him,” Lady Beatrice said. “He’s mere moments from death. He’ll be ever so loyal if we save him.”
“He’ll despise our guts if we save him,” Henry replied. “Eternal life is meaningless if you have to look like that forever.”
Lady Beatrice rolled her eyes and popped out her fangs. “Oh Henry. Ever the narcissist.”
The lady chomped into Jericho’s throat, her fangs tearing into the cooked flesh. Within seconds, she was draining Jericho’s blood.
Hortense drew closer. “I’ve heard of this,” the witch said. “But I have never witnessed a vampire turning ceremony.”
“It’s not all that ceremonial,” Henry said. “First she drains the subject of his blood.”
Lady Beatrice lifted her head up. Her face was drenched red.
“The subject dies…”
Jericho gasped and went silent.
“He’s dead now. His soul has traveled off to the afterlife,” Henry explained. “To heaven if he’s been nice, hell if he’s been naughty, you know the drill. And now, my good lady has but seconds to open a vein…”
The lady’s fang tore through her wrist. She held it over Jericho’s face and dripped red drops into his mouth.
“…and feed the subject,” Henry said. “The human body has such a great need for blood that it will search for it up to five minutes after being drained to death.”
Jericho jolted up to a sitting position. Like a mad fiend, he seized the lady’s wrist and suckled at it.
“Vampiric blood restores his body,” Henry said. “He’ll live forever barring silver bullets or stakes to the heart, having his head chopped off, being exploded, the standard pitfalls. And without his soul bossing him around with outdated concepts like ‘good’ and ‘bad’ he’d normally have a jolly good time…”
Jericho continued to feed.
“…if he didn’t look like that,” Henry said.
“Fascinating,” Hortense said.
Lady Beatrice smiled. “Oh Henry. He’s warming up to me already.”
“Yes dear,” Henry replied.
Hortense looked baffled. “How are vampires any different than zombies?”
Henry clutched his chest and gasped. “I beg your pardon?”
“You both die lose your souls,” Hortense said. “You’re both dead bodies that keep walking.”
Henry tapped a single finger against the side of his head. “Our brains still work. Zombie brains do not. Ironically, that’s why they seek to ingest them. Foolish notion that doing so will make them smarter.”
Lady Beatrice snuggled her free arm around Jericho and allowed her new son to keep feed from her open wrist.
“All is well now, my love,” Lady Beatrice said. “Mumsie will take good care of you.”
Jericho stopped drinking. His voice was strained now and full of gravel. “Muh…Mumsie?”
“Shhh,” Lady Beatrice said as she pushed her bloody wrist up against Jericho’s lips. “Drink.”
Hortense snapped her fingers and a broom poofed into her hand.
“Right then,” the witch said. “I do hate to walk out on a vampire birth but, as you may have noticed, they’re burning witches in these parts and I’d prefer not to go through that whole rigmarole again. Did Esmerelda survive the inquisition?”
“She did,” Henry said. “You’ll find her in Spanish territory to the south.”
“Lovely,” Hortense said as she tucked the broom between her legs and grabbed the end. “I’m off!”
Henry watched as the witch launched herself into the sky and streaked away. He then returned his attention to the lady.
“Isn’t this grand, Henry?” the lady asked.
“Hmmph,” Henry grunted.
The Reverend Jonathan Willard was a stern faced man, his features old and withered. The old man surveyed the captives, two women and a man, each tied to a stake, kindling wood piled high over their legs.
“Who doth accuse these wretches of witchcraft?” the Reverend asked as he raised his flaming torch in the air. “Step forward and make your accusations known.”
The crowd parted to make way for three teenage puritans.
“Ernestina Meyer looked at me cross. I’ve felt peculiar ever since!”
“Hortense Tallmadge has a peculiar odor! It is of the devil!”
“Jericho Turner fills his home with books! What could he be doing with so many volumes if not using them to trap men’s souls?”
The Reverend shrugged his shoulders. “Eh. Good enough for me. Let the burnings begin!”
The crowd applauded.
Mason Prendergast, Mayor of Salem, was a bearded man who wore a buckled hat. He pushed through the crowd until he reached the Reverend.
“Reverend Willard,” the man said. “What you are doing is most uncouth.”
“Away with you,” the Reverend said. “This trial is being conducted in accordance with biblical law.”
“You call this a trial?” the mayor asked. “‘A woman looked at me funny so let’s set her ablaze?’”
“If these three are indeed practitioners of witchcraft, they shall use their powers to shield themselves from the flames and be saved,” the Reverend said. “If not, they will all die good Christian deaths and be welcomed with open arms by the angels in heaven as martyrs in our ongoing war against the devil. I’ve thought it all through, Mayor. My logic is impeccable.”
“Your logic is non-existent!” the Mayor said. “The Governor has assured me that he will arrive in a week’s time to investigate your so-called trials. I urge you to stay your hand until then.”
“The Lord’s will cannot wait,” the Reverend said. “And besides, you don’t want bloody witches lurking about all willy nilly do you?”
“Smelling peculiar makes you a witch?” the Mayor asked.
“It doesn’t not make you a witch,” the Reverend responded triumphantly.
“And reading books?” the Mayor asked.
“Story books are tools of Satan,” the Reverend said. “Souls of men and women are trapped inside the pages and their lives turned into printed words. The bible is the only book that one should ever read. Everyone knows that. These three are vile sinners I assure you.”
The Mayor sighed. “Allowing this charade to go on for so long is my sin.”
Mayor Prendergast turned to address the crowd. “Will none of you join me in stopping this?”
The townsfolk looked to each other for a moment and then shouted in unison. “Burn the witches! Burn them!”
The Mayor shook his head. “May God have mercy on us all.”
The Reverend walked over to Ernestina. She was an older woman in her mid-forties, some gray in her hair.
“Do you confess to witchcraft?” the Reverend asked.
“Umm,” Ernestina said. “Should I confess to witchcraft?”
“God looks upon those who confess their sins with favor,” the Reverend said.
“Then…I am a witch?”
“I knew it.” The Reverend set his torch against the kindling until it was ablaze.
“Blast,” Ernestina said.
Hortense was a young woman in her early twenties with long red hair.
“Do you confess to witchcraft?”
“Pater huc me,” Hortense mumbled.
The Reverend looked to the Mayor. “Do you hear this? She speaks in tongues!
Hortense’s eyes rolled into the back of her head. “Audite me, Pater.”
“Please,” the Mayor said. “You’ve frightened the poor woman into some type of fit.”
As the flames licked Ernestina’s legs, she cried out in agony. “Agggghhhhh! I’m not a witch! I swear I’m not a witch!”
“Silence you!” the Reverend shouted at Ernestina. “Only a witch would deny being a witch!”
Hortense’s chants grew louder. “Convertimini ad me in captivos igni.”
“Enough,” the Reverend said. “I’ll hear no more of your devil’s talk.”
The Reverend set the kindling underneath Hortense ablaze.
Hortense kept chanting, louder and ever so defiant. “Et offeres super eos , ut propter audaciam!”
“And you,” the Reverend said as he reached Jericho. “What have you to say for yourself?”
Jericho was in his early thirties with a gentle, round face and long brown hair tied back behind his head.
“I apologize, Reverend,” Jericho said. “I get so very lonely sometimes and the story books…I do so enjoy reading tales of great deeds I shall never accomplish but…had I known it was an offense…”
The Reverend was clearly not swayed.
“Please Reverend,” Jericho said. “I’ll burn every book I own the second I arrive home and never look at another one again.”
“I can’t take the risk,” the Reverend said. “Warlocks are even more powerful than witches.”
Jericho closed his eyes as the Reverend set his torch upon the kindling.
Ernestina had been consumed, her remains fully charred. Jericho winced as the heat grew strong underneath him.
To the Reverend’s dismay, Hortense remained unscathed, despite being surrounded by flames. The fire simply bounced off of her.
“What in God’s name?” the Reverend asked. “You…you really are a witch!”
“Salvum fac servum tuum patrem,” Hortense shouted. “Et destinatam voluntatem semper erit!”
Whoosh! The fire that danced around Hortense’s body erupted into a massive fireball that spread its way forth, consuming the other captives, the Reverend, the Mayor, and the hundred or so townsfolk in its wake.
Hollywood just made two hours of my life disappear.
If you don’t want SPOILERS to appear, look away.
BQB here with a review of Now You See Me 2.
Some critics made fun of it but I actually liked the first Now You See Me.
Sure, the plot, the “magic” and everything that happened in the movie was highly unlikely…but in a time of rebooted reboots of sequels to reboots, IT WAS *GASP* AN ORIGINAL IDEA!
If you missed the first one, check it out. Basically, a group of magicians (the Vegas performer kind of magicians, not to be confused with pointy hat wearing wizards) called “the Four Horsemen” use their magic skills in Robin Hood style, robbing from a corrupt/rich insurance company tycoon played by Michael Caine and giving to the poor.
So I was up for a second one and…meh.
Yeah. I’m sorry but “meh.”
Razzle dazzle was the original’s hook. The magic shows/tricks were fun to watch and in your mind you try to figure out how the performers did it. Plus, they convinced me that Michael Caine’s character was douche-tastic enough to deserve to be robbed.
But in the sequel, they kind of just went back to the same well. Michael Caine is still the villain, but this time his son, played by Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter fame, does most of his dirty work.
I don’t want to be part of the “let’s all typecast Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter so he never gets another acting job again” movement. I realize he’s been in other movies since Harry Potter.
This is the only one I have seen and in my opinion, he did well in the role. Of course, the role was of a British nerd, so yeah, Daniel did just fine.
That’s not a dig on British nerds. We love you, nerds across the pond.
I have a complaint about an issue that I wish I knew more about.
Isla Fisher played the female horseman or “horse woman” in the original and she didn’t return for the sequel.
I don’t know why and wasn’t able to find any info on it. I don’t know if it was a case where she didn’t want to return, the studio decided to not have her return or what have you.
Lizzy Caplan joins the group as the new female horsewoman.
She’s very funny and in many ways, the star of the show, but it does send a message that females are interchangeable in movies.
It happens a lot in big ensemble movies like this one. All the dudes return but for whatever reason, they just swap out one hot chick for another hot chick.
The movie suffers from crammage – too much going on packed in to two hours and not enough time to address it all.
Mark Ruffalo returns as an FBI agent/magician (which continues to be an unlikely pairing of abilities). Magic debunker Thaddeus Bradley (Morgan Freeman) continues to be a pebble in the Horsemen’s shoe (magic debunker continues to be a unlikely career occupation, IMO).
Really. Who wants to be a magic debunker? Talk about pooping in the punch bowl.
Still, there are some great scenes. In particular, there’s a card throwing scene in which…well, I’ll just let you watch it. I enjoyed that part enough to be left with the feeling that the movie wasn’t a complete waste of time.
Maybe just 97% of a waste of my time.
Woody Harrelson was also pretty funny playing his character from the first film as well as that character’s obnoxiously evil twin brother. It’s the first time I have ever seen a movie in which Woody Harrelson made a conscious effort to become someone other than Woody Harrelson.
I also liked the exotic locations. Macau, China (the Vegas of China), London – lots of globe trotting. Made me want to do some traveling myself.
Among my many complaints, the top one has to be that they really should have come up with another villain/plot other than, “Damn it! Michael Caine’s up to no good again!”
If they do go with another sequel to make a trilogy, they have got to come up with another villain.
Do you need to rush out to the theater to see it?
Is it worth a rental?
But if there’s going to be a Now You See Me 3, they really need to up their game.
STATUS: Meh. Not shelf-worthy but not quite toilet worthy.
By: Special Guest Video Game Movie Reviewer Video Game Rack Fighter.
It’s here! It’s finally here!
The long awaited film based on an online multi-player game is here.
Did it suffer the “video game movies suck curse?”
Read on to find out but beware SPOILERS.
VGRF here with a review of Warcraft.
Movieclips Trailers – Warcraft
Warcraft. The online game in which humans can choose to be a variety of fantasy characters and fight for virtual power and gold has been around forever, or at least 1996.
That’s right millennials. Some of us were nerding it up before you were born and even before it became chic to declare yourself a nerd.
And now there’s a movie. It broke the box office in China, bringing in over $145 million this weekend just in that country. The Chinese love their Warcraft.
Kind of makes me wish I could go back in time and start my own video game company that allows people to pretend to be wizards, warriors, elves, orcs or what have you.
Speaking of orcs, let’s talk about the movie.
Orcs. Long considered the perpetually raging, possibly misunderstood buttholes of the fantasy realm, they’ve destroyed their world and rather than seek to mend their evil orcish ways, they cross through a porthole into the human realm of Azeroth and start conquering and pillaging and generally orcing shit up in true orc fashion.
Hmm. Maybe the Azerothians need to build a wall and make the Orcs pay for it?
Huh? Huh? Crickets. Hmm. Blame BQB. That joke was his idea.
Moving on. Naturally, the humans aren’t going to stand for all this orcish tomfoolery. From thereon, it’s difficult to figure out who’s who and what’s what because all the human dudes are basically a bunch of long haired hipster beardos who all look alike.
But, if you make an effort to get past that, you’ll see Dominic Cooper as the King Wrynn, Travis Fimmel as Commander Lothar, and Ben Foster as Medivh the Guardian.
I don’t want to give too much away, but suffice to say hi jinx ensue when one orc clan leader has second thoughts about all the evil orcishness and seeks to ally himself with the humans.
Paula Patton plays Garona, the half-human/half-orc and the only one who could possibly bring peace between humans and orcs.
Yeesh. So I assume her father was an orc and her mother was a human. Her poor, poor mother. She probably didn’t walk right for a year after that.
Crickets? Another joke suggestion from BQB. Unless you laughed. Then it was all mine.
Ultimately, I don’t think this movie suffers from the “all video game movies suck” curse.
An actual effort was made to develop characters, a plot, a storyline. I won’t spoil the ending but it is obvious that further sequels are in the works.
If you aren’t a nerd or you dislike the fantasy genre, you probably won’t enjoy it.
It is more in line with the traditional fantasy genre style. Nerds in robes – wizards, elves, dwarves, everyone geeking it up and expecting a nerd audience who knows what all this nerd shit means.
As I watched it, it dawned on me that George RR Martin was able to get a wide, diverse audience into his Song of Ice and Fire (aka Game of Thrones) series because he was able to take so many relatable human problems and insert them into a fantasy world.
But for Warcraft, you’re going to have to be a nerd to enjoy it.
Luckily for you, if you are reading this blog, you already are one.
Visually stunning. Worth to see it on the big screen.
Your boyfriend is magical.
No, I don’t mean that as in he’s perfect. I mean it as in he’s a damn spell casting practitioner of the dark arts.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Wizard:
10. When he asks you to polish his wand, he isn’t making an off color joke. He literally dropped his magic wand in the toilet and only you can restore it to its naturally pristine state.
9. He’s not the best guy to ask for a drink. The beverages he brings you look more like potions. Green or purple. Smoking or bubbling. (Note if your boyfriend is not a wizard do not rule out the possibility that your boyfriend might be Bill Cosby.)
8. Whenever he stinks up the bathroom, he gives you fair warning by shouting, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
7. No matter how old he is, has a ten foot long gray beard. Wizards love their beards because it is easy to hide potions, powders, spell books and other magic supplies in them. Also, they can whip on sunglasses and make coin by starting their own ZZ Top tribute bands.
6. Never stops smoking his pipe, even while in front of a No Smoking sign. Puffs out smoke clouds in the shape of mythical animals.
5. His wardrobe only consists of dark colored robes and floppy yet pointy hats. Breaks out his constellation covered robes on special occasions.
4. Best pickup lines revolve around making his penis, your pants or some other article of clothing disappear in an inappropriate manner. (Less humorous but more appropriate lines include observations that you are “enchanting” and claims that you have “cast a spell on him.)
3. The house isn’t big enough for his pet dragon and your pet cat.
2. Hides risque magazines in his spell books.