Ah, mimery. Truly, the worst of all art forms, ranking even lower than bedazzling.
What is a mime anyway? A mime is a French clown except without the horn to honk, or the balloon animals or the big red nose. He’s just quiet and just pretends to do whatever he is doing rather than actually do it, kind of like how I pretend to write a professional blog.
Could you be dating a mime? From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Mime:
#10 – Wins all fights by pretending to be trapped inside an invisible box. If you demand that he comes out to face you, he just pounds on the air as if it is a barrier. If you yell at him, he just points to his ear and acts confused, like he can’t hear you.
#9 – Plays on your sympathies by putting his hands up to his eyes and pretending like he’s crying.
#8 – So much white pancake makeup left on the pillow.
#7 – Draws happy and/or sad faces over his face to reflect his mood.
#6 – Broke character once and said something. Report him to the International Association of Mime Standards.
#5 – You think he goes to work everyday, but he just stands in the middle of the living room, pretending to bang an invisible nail into an invisible board with an invisible hammer.
#4 – He got in a fight with invisible muggers once. He tried to protect himself. He pretended to put up his dukes, but ended up getting his ass kicked by an invisible foot.
#3 – He’s cheap to feed. He just sits at the table and pretends to eat an invisible meal with invisible cutlery.
#2 – Acts surprised over everything, usually by opening his eyes and mouth wide.
#1 – You came home early one day and caught him in bed humping the air. You are now baffled. I mean, he was humping the air, so there was nothing there, but then again, if he is a mime, and he was pretending to hump an invisible woman, then he was totally cheating on you. Mimes are such jerks.