An ongoing list of things that I, Bookshelf Q. Battler, want to do before I croak:
#1 – Discover the secret to not croaking. Hide it from the world so that I am the only one who knows how to not croak. Laugh at everyone as they croak.
#2 – Climb a regular sized mountain. Lie and tell everyone I climbed Mt. Everest. How would anyone know the difference? Everyone is a dummy who has never climbed a mountain.
#3 – Fart in the presence of the Queen of England. I don’t know why. It is nothing against the Queen and/or England. It is something to do with offending someone super classy. Actually, I should probably substitute the Queen with just someone who is super classy so as to avoid a smelly international incident.
#4 – Attach a Go Pro camera to my head then do absolutely nothing athletic ever. Bore my 3.5 readers with action footage of me stuffing cake into my face hole then taking a nap.
#5 – Punch a shark in the face. This shark, in particular:
Don’t feel bad for him. This shark is a douche and I suspect that he once ate a manatee…and the manatee had just discovered the cure to crotch fungus.
Now the cure for crotch fungus is lost forever thanks to this schmuck shark. Everyone will be itchy forever.
#6 – Rappel. Women have always told me that I am repellant so I should be good at it. Although I’m not sure if being repellant means that you would be any good at rappelling down the side of a wall like an action hero star.
#7 – Run for the Presidency of Barbados. Everyone wants to be the President of the U.S., right? Who needs it? Too much work. No one wants to run Barbados. So let me do it. Fun. Sun. You just wake up and tell everyone to run around the beach and be happy and sell trinkets to fat stupid tourists. I would president the shit out of Barbados and all the Barbadoonians would love me and hail me as a god.
#8 – Win the gold in an obscure Olympic event, just so I could be all fat and ugly and walk around in my USA track suit with and stand next to pro javelin throwers and race runners and show off my gold medal for Olympic paper airplane making.
#9 – Go everywhere in a helicopter. Land my helicopter at the grocery store. Land it at the dentist office. Land it wherever I need to go. People will be all like, “you can’t land that helicopter here, jerk face!” and I’ll be all like “Shut up ass clown, I own a helicopter so I can do whatever I want!”
#10 – Oh. I suppose I should add some nice shit to this list. And I’d like to say that I thought about doing nice shit right up front and in no way should you assume that being nice was an afterthought because it is the last item on this list. So I would probably adopt some orphans and teach them all how to start their own blogs to bring in their own 3.5 readers.
Thank you, 3.5 readers. Let me know what is on your bucket list.