Night fell and a weary Odysseus strolled through the halls of the Spartan palace until he reached Penny’s door.
Though typically decisive in combat, the adventurer stood there for awhile, his hand trembling as he contemplated whether or not to enter.
Finally, Penny made it easy for him.
“Are you going to stand out there all night?” came Penny’s voice from inside the room.
Odysseus swung the door open. He swallowed hard when he saw the woman he loved in her nightgown, her long hair flowing down over her shoulders.
“How did you know it was me?” Odysseus asked.
“Any other pervert would have skulked about in front of Helen’s door,” Penny answered.
Odysseus smiled. “Perhaps you speak of perverts with poor taste.”
Penny ran her hands down the length of her curves. “Perhaps you are a pervert who has let all this go to waste.”
The bountiful brunette sat down on the edge of her bed, picked up a brush and ran it through her hair. The adventurer set his torch down in a sconce attached to the wall and took a seat next to the lady.
“How scandalous,” Penny said.
“What?” Odysseus asked.
“A man and a woman who aren’t married in the same bed together at this time of night,” Penny said.
“Are we not childhood friends?” Odysseus asked.
“Those days are long over, friend,” Penny said.
The pair sat in silence for awhile as Odysseus searched for the right words, or at the very least, any words.
“I still love you,” Odysseus said.
Penny sighed. “Yes. Oh how loved I feel by a dumb ass who ran away and never contacted me again.”
“Adventure called, Penny,” Odysseus said. “All those monsters weren’t going to slay themselves.”
Penny stopped brushing. She reached a hand out and cupped it against Odysseus’s cheek. He leaned into it, as if doing so nourished him. The couple stared into each other’s eyes.
“I never asked you to stop adventuring,” Penny said. “All I have ever asked is that you come back to me when your adventures are done.”
Penny leaned in and kissed Odysseus. Together, they fell back on the bed, engaged in a sultry, slobbery lip lock until Penny sat up.
“Blast!” Odysseus cried. “What in the name of Apollo’s arrow have I done to be punished with the bluest of balls?”
“You broke my heart,” Penny responded, matter-of-factly.
“Oh,” Odysseus said. “Right.”
The adventurer stood up, then fell to his knees. In a most pathetic display, he grabbed the lady’s hand and resorted to groveling.
“Dearest Penelope,” Odysseus said. “Tell me how to make this right.”
Penny’s face scrunched up to one side as she tapped her finger on her right cheek. “Hmmm…”
“What?” Odysseus asked. “What is it?”
“You and I had some great conversations in the past, haven’t we?” Penny asked.
“Of course,” Odysseus said.
“But I don’t know,” Penny said. “Ever since your jaw dropped ten feet when you saw me at the dock I think you’d say anything just to get your hands on my…”
“It is truly a majestic badonka donk, my sweet,” Odysseus said. “’Tis as if Aphrodite molded two pressed hams out of clay herself and attached them to your backside just so that you could bring joy to the hearts of men through the very sight of your…”
Penny frowned. “Ugh. I was just joking but now its obvious you just love me for my ass, you pig.”
Odysseus recoiled. “Whaaaat? Noooooo…”
The brunette took her hand back and pouted.
“My dear your ass could be as flat as the surface of the earth and I would still adore you,” Odysseus said.
“Yeah,” Penny said. “Right.”
Odysseus’s took back his love’s hand. “Tell me how to prove it to you.”
“I don’t know,” Penny said.
“Anything,” Odysseus said.
“Anything?” Penny asked.
“Anything at all,” Odysseus answered. “Why, I’d strangle the Kraken with his own tentacles, gauge out the eyes of a thousand cyclopses..or, wait is it ‘cyclopses’ or ‘cyclopti?’”
“‘Cyclopses,’” Penny said as she wiped away a tear. “Read a book, dumb ass.”
“Whatever,” Odysseus said. “I’d blind a thousand of them. I’d challenge the minotaur to a fist fight. I’d steal Icarus’s wings and fly even closer to the sun than that lightweight ever did. I’d sail to the ends of the earth and back again. I’d climb to the top of Mount Olympus and…”
“Marry me,” Penny said.
Odysseus recoiled once again. “Whaaaat???”
Penny burst into tears.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Odysseus said.
Penny buried her face into her hands and cried. Odysseus sat down next to her and put his hand on her shoulder only to have it pushed away.
“Just fuck off, Odysseus!”
“Babe,” Odysseus said. “Can we just, you know, dial this down a notch? Is the art of dialog dead now? Can we talk about this?”
“No,” Penny said. “I’m not some whore, Odysseus.”
“I know…”
“You should be thrilled by the idea,” Penny said.
“I…I am…its just…I had no idea this is what you wanted.”
Penny wiped away her tears and returned to Odysseus’s arms. “It makes sense, doesn’t it?”
“Yes,” Odysseus replied.
“We love the same things,” Penny said.
“You’re the only other person I know that I’d share my love of pegasuses with,” Odysseus said. “Or is it pegasi?”
“It’s just ‘Pegasus,’ asshat!” Penny said as she playfully hammer punched Odysseus in the shoulder. “There’s only one of them.”
“And I need him,” Odysseus said.
“We need him!” Penny said.
“We need to fly away together on a horse with its own damn wings,” Odysseus said.
Penny smiled. “And we hate the same things.”
“Oh, fuck centaurs!” Odysseus said. “Remember that time we met one?”
“Oh my gods,” Penny said. “And he was all like, ‘Look at me! I have a man’s torso and a horse’s ass. I’m so special!’”
“I still can’t believe there are people who find centaurs attractive,” Odysseus.
“Fucking centaur fuckers!” Penny said.
“Fucking centaur fuckers,” Odysseus repeated.
“We compliment each other in every conceivable way,” Penny said.
“And you have an ass that could feed a family of five,” Odysseus said.
Penny slinked back. “I thought you said that wasn’t what you were after?”
“It isn’t,” Odysseus said. “But uh…you know…if its there…”
“Pervert,” Penny said.
“Penny,” Odysseus said. “Maybe we should just…”
Penny put one finger up against Odysseus’ lips to shut him up. “No. If you love me then you’ll ask my uncle for my hand…
“But Penny,” Odysseus interrupted.
“…and I swear to you, Odysseus, Champion of Ithaca, if you sail away from Sparta without me you can forget about ever speaking to me again and…”
The brunette stood up, turned around, and gave one of her two astounding ass cheeks a good, hard slap. Odysseus was thoroughly shocked, not to mention aroused.
“…you can forget about ever getting your hands on all of this.”
“By the trident of Poseidon, woman!” Odysseus said. “You drive a hard bargain.”
“I’m worth it, aren’t I?” Penny asked.
Odysseus gulped. “You are.”
Penny picked up her brush, ran it through her hands a few times, then dropped it.
“Whoopsie,” Penny said. “I’m such a klutz.”
“Bahh!” Odysseus said. “Why do you torture me?!”
“What?” Penny asked innocently.
Odysseus drooled and stared as his love bent over to pick up her brush. Oh how full that moon was.
“That’s enough visiting for one night,” Penny said as she grabbed Odysseus’s hand.
“But…but…but…”
“That’s right,” Penny said as she pushed Odysseus out the door. “No butt for you until our wedding night.”
“But…but…but…”
Slam!
Penny’s door was now closed and Odysseus just stood there like an imbecile, trying to figure out what had just happened.
“Women,” the adventurer said.
Bookshelf Battle 