Daily Archives: September 19, 2016

How to Talk Like a Pirate #1 – The Office

Arr. how to talk like a pirate at the office arr

Bookshelf Battle

By: Special Guest Pirate, Capt. Deathbeard

Capt. Deathbeard Capt. Deathbeard

YARRRRR!  Ye be in ye place of business where transactions are afoot, workers conspire and currency changes hands.  Doth ye wish to know how to address the following situations in the language of piracy?


I’m sorry, Mr. Reynolds.  I will not be able to stay late this evening. My daughter is singing in a school recital.

ARRRRRR!  Listen yon Reynolds and listen well, nay open thine ears as if thou were’st to heareth the hounds of hell bark sweet nothings that rattle thine very soul.

We’ve struck an accord, a devil’s bargain that I shall remain in thine business house until an appointed time and not a second longer, for once the bell tolls the hours belong to me and mine.

Mine kin be on the rocks of old, filling the night air with her siren’s song and I be powerless to…

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How to Talk Like a Pirate #2 – At a Restaurant

Arr. how to talk like a pirate at a restaurant and get yer pirate food to stuff in yer pirate hole arr

Bookshelf Battle

Mr. Fitzhume Mr. Fitzhume

By Special Guest Pirate, Mr. Fitzhume

Ahoy, 3.5 readers.  Capt. Deathbeard’s trusty first mate, Mr. Fitzhume, I is.

Find yeself in a tavern, do ye?  Whether ye be a peasant slavin’ away in the galley or one of the fancy folk at the tables, I’ll tell ye how to talk like a pirate when yer in the grub house I will.


Welcome to Flanagan’s.  May I take your order?

YARR!  What slop doth ye want to shove in ye filthy hole?!  Speak up and make haste or its off to the gallows with an empty belly with ye!


We’re going to start with the Wacky Wings and Skins Sampler and I’ll have the Surf and Turf Combo platter and a Cherry Coke to drink.

Bring me pig meat and grog, wench!  And tell the cookie if he fails to satisfy me I’ll slit him…

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How to Talk Like a Pirate #3 – Babysitting

Ahoy mateys here be how to babysit like a pirate arr

Bookshelf Battle

Smelly Pants Jim Smelly Pants Jim

By:  Special Guest Pirate, Smelly Pants Jim

Land ho, 3.5 readers.  Smelly Pants Jim be the moniker I be saddled with fer the last time my festooned pantaloons were laundered it was by a saucy maiden on the Isle of Tortuga ten years past.

Trust not just anyone with me fancy pants and they’ll never see the inside of a wash barrel again unless its toted by the same sweet lass that won me heart so many moons ago.  Some day I will retire from piracy, find her, and make her mine.

Stuck at home with the wee urchins, are ye?  I’ll translate fer ye and help turn family time into pirate time.  Yarr.


Billy, stop bothering your sister!

Ahoy, yon Billy.  Fancy making a shambles of yer kin’s life do ye?  Cease this madness or else its to the grimey, brimey depths of Davey Jones’ locker…

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How to Talk Like a Pirate #4 – Driving

How to drive like a pirate ye miserable scalawags arr

Bookshelf Battle

One Eyed Dan One Eyed Dan

By:  Special Guest Pirate, One Eyed Dan

Aye, 3.5 readers.  Lost me eye I did to a rambunctious thief in a Jamaican port when he tried to come between me and me gold.  He got me peeper he sure did but I got his life when I ran him through the belly and left him in the street to die like the lowly dog that he was.

The locals tell me it took the scoundrel three days to bleed out and serves him right it did.

I hear ye be on a voyage.  Allow me to translate so that ye can travel in style like a true pirate.


Which way is the gas station?

Avast ye wretched animal!  Require provisions I do so point out a reputable mercantile at once or I’ll beat ye about the brow with yer own entrails.


It’s over…

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How to Talk Like a Pirate #5 – Idle Chatter

Shiver me timbers! A talking parrot!

Bookshelf Battle

By:  Special Guest Pirate Parrot Polly

Polly the Pirate Parrot Polly the Pirate Parrot

BAWK!  Shiver me timbers!  Have ye ever been around a bunch of salty sea dogs that ye got nothin’ in common with, but the urge to fill the creepy silence beckons?

So what do ye do?  Engage in useless chatter, aye?

ARRR mateys, fer the price of one cracker, I’ll educate ye spineless jellyfish on how to talk when tharrr’s nothin to talk about.

Sesame seed preferred.  Arr.


Lovely weather we’re having.

Avast!  The sun lies on its belly across the sky, nary a desire to rise and scorch our hides or hide and chill our bones!


How’s about that local sports team?

Arrr matey!  Did ye observe yon ridiculously paid mercenaries earn their gold by delivering a ball from one side of the deck to the other?  And they call US pirates!  YARRR!



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Happy National Talk Like a Pirate Day!

Ahoy ye landlubbers, some basic pirate phrases arr arr arr

Bookshelf Battle

By:  Capt. Deathbeard, Special Guest Pirateshutterstock_102600596 copy

ARRRR!  Avast ye bilge rats!  I hope ye have enjoyed this week of pirate talk lessons.

Today be the big day so make sure ye be talkin’ in the language of piracy from the dawning of the sun to the witching hour.  ARR.

Here be some last minute commonly used pirate phrases for ye perusal:

ARR – Umm or catchall phrase.


AHOY – Hello

SHIVER ME TIMBERS – That’s surprising.

ME HEARTIES – My friends.

WALK THE PLANK – Typical pirate solution to any and all problems.

LAND HO – There is the land.

LILLY LIVERED – Easily frightened person.

POOP DECK – The part of the ship where the magic happens.

SCURVY – An ancient ailment, usually caused by a lack of good nutrition and/or fruit.

SCURVY DOG – Commonly used insult, drawing an inference that a person is a…

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All International Talk Like a Pirate Day Posts

Arr a collection of all of last year’s pirate posts. Alas, the pirates were too lazy to come up with new lessons this year, arr.

Bookshelf Battle

By:  Bonnie Lass, Special Guest Pirateshutterstock_299589737 copy

Ahoy me buckos!

Talk Like a Pirate Day isn’t just a National Holiday.  It’s an INTERNATIONAL holiday.

Aye, from the streets of London, to the colonies in the Americas and ARRR all the way to the Isle of Tortuga, ye need to be talkin’ like a pirate on this fine day matey, arr.

Here be a collection of the Talk Like a Pirate Tutorials brought to ye by Capt. Deathbeard’s crew:

Talk Like a Pirate at the Office 

Talk Like a Pirate at a Restaurant

Talk Like a Pirate While Babysitting 

Talk Like a Pirate While Driving 

Talk Like a Pirate – Idle Chatter 

Commonly Used Pirate Phrases

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Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day 2016

Arrr! Avast ye scurvy 3.5 readers!

Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day, mateys, arr arr arr.  Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum and so forth.

Do ye wish to talk like a pirate?

Ye be in luck as I will be reblogging the pirate talk lessons that my pirate friends taught last year on this pitiful blog, arr.

Zomcation Thoughts

shutterstock_225100087Hey 3.5 readers.

17,000 words in four days tells me that when your book is not set in the past and the plot isn’t that complicated, then you are able to get on a roll and not have to stop every five minutes to look up whether or not a certain product existence in old times or to think about what needs to happen with a in order for b to happen.

This is pretty much an action comedy with zombies.  Uncle/ex-soldier, kicked out of his unit, hates living with his sister and feels like a loser when he works at a fast food job, gets himself fired, ends up going on a vacation with his sister and niece and nephew to Wombat World because his sister and her husband are on the outs and she had a ticket that was going to go unused.

Blah blah blah, treachery ensues, zombies take over Wombat World and Mack must save the day.

I like it. At first it isn’t that complicated though I know it will have to get a little complicated as the tale moves forward and the zombies attack.  Something must happen to build the suspense.

Often in a good zombie story, the zombies aren’t the villains but rather there’s a human villain using the situation to his/her advantage.

This will be interesting because there is a female villain in this one. Not sure I’m a big fan of that, not because of some idea that women can’t be villains but because I’m not looking forward to a scene where a woman gets knocked around but somehow I think it will all work out.

It’s funny how you can go in with an idea and then characters start leaping off the page.  One unsung hero I think is Abby, Mack’s sister, who doesn’t really live her life but rather, life just happened and decided what she must do.

She married a dude she doesn’t really like.  She isn’t getting much satisfaction out of work. Her kids are little jerk faces who are mean to her.

And there’s a sign I think of how getting older has helped me write better. I’ve now seen life through the eyes of a kid who says things he doesn’t understand the full weight of and how those words can hurt someone and I’ve lived life as an adult who has had kids tell me jerky things and like Abby, I’ve just brushed it off because I know kids don’t understand what they’re saying.

Of course, I’ve never been a bad ass action hero, but a lot of this will just be an homage to a lot of my favorite action movies combined with endless parody of a certain park that shall remain nameless.

I’ve noticed several of you have been checking it out so if you have any feedback let e know.

Thank you 3.5 and remember, when in doubt, call your fairy wombat.

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Zomcation – Chapter 10


General Merrick walked across the tarmac flanked by the three members of Phalanx Company, the special ops squad he counted when the chips were down and the situation was dire.

Each soldier was decked out in black body armor. To the general’s right, was squad leader Ava “Red” Kingston. Some might assume her nickname came from her red hair, but in truth, it was from all the blood she spilled on the battlefield. The scar underneath her right eye indicated she’d even spilled some herself.

“Captain,” General said. “I’m not about to tell you how to run your team, but I strongly advise you put aside the petty bullshit with Lieutenant Mackenzie. Find him and get his ass in motion now because you’re going to need the Mack Truck on this one.”

“All due respect sir,” Red replied. “Mack’s a liability. He disobeyed a direct order.”

“Your call,” Merrick said. “I just hope Shitbird One and Shitbird Two over here will be enough.”

Shitbird One was Kirk “Primetime” Ross. He was a handsome man, to say the least. In fact, his drill sergeant in basic training rode him about it incessantly, telling him that he was too pretty to be a soldier, that he looked like he should be on television instead. A master sniper, he’d racked up over three hundred confirmed kills on the battlefield alone.

As for Shitbird Two, Marvin “Slim” Eldridge served as the team’s pilot. He didn’t have much in the way of muscle, but he made up for it with his knife skills. If that didn’t work, his spooky, soul piercing eyes had been known to make enemies think twice about messing with him.

“Can you really blame Mack for trying?” Primetime asked. “I imagine you’re a tough girl to get over.”

“Stow it, Shitbird One,” Red said.

The crew reached a helicopter. Slim jumped into the pilot’s seat. Primetime took a spot in the back.

“The Heretic is a ghost,” Merrick lamented. “Honestly, the best minds have been trying to figure out who he is for years to no avail. No one is sure he is even one person. He might be several, perhaps a mythical leader the Day Zero cult has manufactured to use to communicate with. We’ve tried to track his messages but he’s smart. He knows how to cover his tracks using tech even the experts haven’t begun to master.”

“We’re on the case, general,” Red said.

“I hope so,” the general said. “Because it’s my ass on the line.”

“Your meeting with the president went that well?” Red asked.
“Don’t even get me started,” Merrick said. “Tell me about your informant.”

“I’d rather not, sir,” Red said. “This is someone who has been there for us time and time again. He’s trustworthy but he’s skittish. The fewer people who know about his involvement the better.”

“Understood,” Merrick said.

Red jumped up into the chopper and took a seat. As the helicopter rose into the air, Red and the general traded salutes.

“Godspeed, Phalanx Company,” the general said as he watched the metal bird fly away.

Inside, each squad member put on a headset that allowed them to communicate over the sound of the chopper’s loud, churning blades.

“God I wish I had a set of tits so I could get men to believe everything I say,” Primetime said.

“Oh, don’t worry, general,” Slim said as he mocked Red with a girly voice. “I have a special source and I’ve got it all under control.”

“Shut your suck holes, ass clowns,” Red said as she pulled a tablet out from under her seat. “In his day, Merrick was a better soldier than the three of us combined.”

“We weren’t making fun of you,” Slim said.

“Just your tits,” Primetime added. “And their apparent ability to blind the general to a threat right under his nose.”

“It has nothing to do with my tits, pigs,” Red said as she punched a few numbers into her tablet. “It’s all about trust. And I wouldn’t assume the general’s oblivious until we’re in the clear. He’s a crafty old goat.”

Primetime took a seat next to Red and stared at her tablet as the Heretic appeared on screen.

“Why have you summoned me?” the Heretic asked in his synthesized voice.

“We need to talk about a raise, dick stick,” Red replied.

“Do we?” the Heretic asked. “I thought our business was complete.”

“For the product, yes,” Red said. “But we’ve just been assigned to track your ass down so if you want us to stand down and go get some beers instead, its going to cost you.”

“My, my, my, Ms. Kingston,” the Heretic said. “Aren’t you a delightful little capitalist. I don’t suppose the funds I’ve already sent your way buy me your assistance in this matter?”

“Not when you put out a video to the whole world to announce that you’re up to some shit, mongoloid,” Red said.

“You drive a hard bargain,” the Heretic said. “Shall we say one million each?”

“Two million,” Red replied. “Each.”

“Done,” the Heretic said. “Oh and Ms. Kingston?”

“What?” Red said.

“Don’t go entertaining any thoughts about a double cross, now,” the Heretic said. “We’re all in this together and if it ever turns out we aren’t, I have more than enough evidence to put you and your colleagues in Leavenworth for the rest of your lives.”

“You go down, we go down,” Red said. “Got it. I’ll expect the deposits within the hour.”

“You won’t be disappointed,” the Heretic said. “Heretic, out.”

The transmission ended and Red stowed her tablet under her seat.

“Who do you suppose that creepy little twerp is?” Primetime asked.

“I don’t know,” Red said. “Some stupid teenager on his mother’s laptop for all I know.”

Primetime pulled an orange out of his pocket and started to peel it. “I don’t like all this talk about Leavenworth.”

“There’s not going to be a Leavenworth soon,” Red said. “There’s not going to be much of anything soon.”

“Then why are we breaking nine thousand different Federal laws in the name of cold, sticky cash?” Primetime asked.

“Because there will be a few strongholds we’ll be able to buy our way into,” Red said. “Money will be the name of the game when the world ends.”

“Like it isn’t now,” Primetime rebutted as he pulled off an orange slice and ate it. “And let’s not pretend it will be worth much once all the governments collapse.”

“By then we’ll be sitting pretty,” Red said. “And in a position to protect what’s ours.”

The soldiers sat there for awhile.

“Mack was a good man,” Primetime said. “Sometimes I wish he was still with us.”

“Don’t,” Red replied. “He’d kill us all if he knew what we’ve done.”

“What do you think he’s up to now?” Primetime asked.

“Doing something bad ass for sure,” Red said. “That’s what Mack is all about.”

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