About the Authors
Long before Cher, Sting, or Sia, there was Homer, the first artist to rock the “I only have one name” style. Scholars disagree on when exactly this accomplished scribe was born, but best guesses put his life somewhere between 800-700 B.C. (That’s eight hundred years before Christ and therefore a long ass time ago.)
Homer is the author of two bestsellers:
- The Illiad – a chronicle of the siege of Troy, which began as a result of a dispute between Greek and Trojan forces over which one of their leaders had the best claim to the cooter belonging to the Grecian beauty Helen, first of Sparta and later of Troy, or simply “Helen of Troy” as she is typically remembered.
- The Odyssey – the story of the warrior Odysseus’ adventure filled journey from Troy back to his home in Ithaca after the conclusion of the Trojan War. During this voyage, Odysseus encounters nymphs, cannibals, and monsters until he finally arrives home and gruesomely murders all the dudes hanging around his house attempting to get all up in his wife’s lady business because they assume he was killed by Trojans and thus his wife’s snootch is up for grabs.
Nope. No lie here. That’s totally what this is about and your English teacher was a total perv for assigning it to you all those years ago. Then again, you would have known that if you had read it but you didn’t and FYI your parents were only being nice when they told you “a C minus is better than nothing, dear.” In truth, they were very, very disappointed in you and still are to this very day.
Bookshelf Q. Battler
Bookshelf Q. Battler (or BQB) was born in the late 1970s as God’s response to the terrible malaise that President Jimmy Carter warned was encompassing the nation. Mr. Battler popped out of his mother’s womb, surprised hospital staff by shouting, “Cheer up, muttafuckas!” then never spoke another word until 1984 when he felt the need to praise the original Terminator film.
Though by all accounts, Mr. Battler was the dopest of all late 1970s babies, he didn’t fully shine until he became the proprietor of a blog with 3.5 readers in 2014.
If you would like to be one of Mr. Battler’s 3.5 readers, you are more than welcome to visit. BQB’s blog, “Bookshelf Battle” can be found at bookshelfbattle.com
There you will find a chronicle of Mr. Battler’s life and times as a world renowned poindexter, epic nerdventurer, reviewer of pop cultural happenings, champion yeti fighter and magic bookshelf caretaker.
Mr. Battler does not like to brag but he maintains that he is more accomplished than Homer. While Homer may have written two bestsellers that were drawing in readers long before Jesus was born, Mr. Battler’s blog does steadily attract the attention of 3.5 readers, which is no small feat in this day and age where every schmuck in the universe has their own blog. In fact, in the time it took you to read this one paragraph, an estimated 5,298 blogs were just started and most of them are terrible.
About this Project
Believing it to be “total bullshit” that Homer never saw dime one of the sweet, sticky cash produced by the thousands and thousands (possibly even millions) of high school and college English students who have been forced to purchase copies of The Illiad and pretend that they knew what the hell was going on during class over the years, Mr. Battler has taken it upon himself to reboot one of the most lauded books in Western history for fun and profit (mostly profit.)
To that end, Mr. Battler dispatched his trusty little green sidekick, Alien Jones, to locate Homer’s tomb and resurrect him using top secret, highly classified alien technology. An agreement with the U.S. government prevents Mr. Battler from publicly sharing the specifics of this technology, but rumor has it that it involves ground cumin, a swizzle stick that can be found at any reputable coffee shop, and 9,000,000 AA batteries held together with duct tape, super glue, and most importantly, love.
Initially, Homer had some difficulty adjusting to the modern world. However, due to his scholarly nature, he was quickly able to learn and adapt, though duck face selfies, social media posts about what people eat for lunch and the continued existence of Kristen Stewart’s acting career baffle him to no end.
Mr. Battler and Homer met regularly throughout late 2016 into early 2017 to reboot Homer’s Illiad. Homer was reluctant at first, but once Mr. Battler plopped down a fifty dollar signing bonus, Homer wasn’t able to refuse.
Oh and FYI if you happen to see Homer walking down the strip, you need to do Mr. Battler a solid and pretend like fifty bucks is an astounding, life altering amount of money.
Mr. Battler thanks you in advance.