Daily Archives: September 3, 2016

The Illiad Rebooted – About the Authors/Project


About the Authors


Long before Cher, Sting, or Sia, there was Homer, the first artist to rock the “I only have one name” style. Scholars disagree on when exactly this accomplished scribe was born, but best guesses put his life somewhere between 800-700 B.C. (That’s eight hundred years before Christ and therefore a long ass time ago.)

Homer is the author of two bestsellers:

  • The Illiad – a chronicle of the siege of Troy, which began as a result of a dispute between Greek and Trojan forces over which one of their leaders had the best claim to the cooter belonging to the Grecian beauty Helen, first of Sparta and later of Troy, or simply “Helen of Troy” as she is typically remembered.
  • The Odyssey – the story of the warrior Odysseus’ adventure filled journey from Troy back to his home in Ithaca after the conclusion of the Trojan War.  During this voyage, Odysseus encounters nymphs, cannibals, and monsters until he finally arrives home and gruesomely murders all the dudes hanging around his house attempting to get all up in his wife’s lady business because they assume he was killed by Trojans and thus his wife’s snootch is up for grabs.

Nope. No lie here. That’s totally what this is about and your English teacher was a total perv for assigning it to you all those years ago. Then again, you would have known that if you had read it but you didn’t and FYI your parents were only being nice when they told you “a C minus is better than nothing, dear.” In truth, they were very, very disappointed in you and still are to this very day.

Bookshelf Q. Battler

Bookshelf Q. Battler (or BQB) was born in the late 1970s as God’s response to the terrible malaise that President Jimmy Carter warned was encompassing the nation.  Mr. Battler popped out of his mother’s womb, surprised hospital staff by shouting, “Cheer up, muttafuckas!” then never spoke another word until 1984 when he felt the need to praise the original Terminator film.

Though by all accounts, Mr. Battler was the dopest of all late 1970s babies, he didn’t fully shine until he became the proprietor of a blog with 3.5 readers in 2014.

If you would like to be one of Mr. Battler’s 3.5 readers, you are more than welcome to visit. BQB’s blog, “Bookshelf Battle” can be found at bookshelfbattle.com

There you will find a chronicle of Mr. Battler’s life and times as a world renowned poindexter, epic nerdventurer, reviewer of pop cultural happenings, champion yeti fighter and magic bookshelf caretaker.

Mr. Battler does not like to brag but he maintains that he is more accomplished than Homer. While Homer may have written two bestsellers that were drawing in readers long before Jesus was born, Mr. Battler’s blog does steadily attract the attention of 3.5 readers, which is no small feat in this day and age where every schmuck in the universe has their own blog. In fact, in the time it took you to read this one paragraph, an estimated 5,298 blogs were just started and most of them are terrible.

About this Project

Believing it to be “total bullshit” that Homer never saw dime one of the sweet, sticky cash produced by the thousands and thousands (possibly even millions) of high school and college English students who have been forced to purchase copies of The Illiad and pretend that they knew what the hell was going on during class over the years, Mr. Battler has taken it upon himself to reboot one of the most lauded books in Western history for fun and profit (mostly profit.)

To that end, Mr. Battler dispatched his trusty little green sidekick, Alien Jones, to locate Homer’s tomb and resurrect him using top secret, highly classified alien technology. An agreement with the U.S. government prevents Mr. Battler from publicly sharing the specifics of this technology, but rumor has it that it involves ground cumin, a swizzle stick that can be found at any reputable coffee shop, and 9,000,000 AA batteries held together with duct tape, super glue, and most importantly, love.

Initially, Homer had some difficulty adjusting to the modern world. However, due to his scholarly nature, he was quickly able to learn and adapt, though duck face selfies, social media posts about what people eat for lunch and the continued existence of Kristen Stewart’s acting career baffle him to no end.

Mr. Battler and Homer met regularly throughout late 2016 into early 2017 to reboot Homer’s Illiad. Homer was reluctant at first, but once Mr. Battler plopped down a fifty dollar signing bonus, Homer wasn’t able to refuse.

Oh and FYI if you happen to see Homer walking down the strip, you need to do Mr. Battler a solid and pretend like fifty bucks is an astounding, life altering amount of money.

Mr. Battler thanks you in advance.

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The Illiad Rebooted Challenge


Hello 3.5 readers.

Thank you, as always, for reading.

Without you, I would just be an asshole typing out random garbage into the inter webs for no apparent reason.


Alien Jones has used undisclosed alien technology to revive Homer, the legendary poet of ancient Greece and author of The Illiad, that boring as shit book that your college English professor probably made you read.

Homer and I are collaborating on an Illiad reboot.  That’s right. Hollywood has refused to produce anything original for years now, so why can’t Home Slice and I cash in on this trend?


The Illiad will be rebooted by January 1, 2016!

So sit back, relax and enjoy as Homer and I bring you, The Illiad Rebooted.

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East Randomtown Mayor’s Race – Issue #1 – Zombie Flesh Eating Iguanas


Zombie Flesh Eating Iguanas: Friend or Foe?

Soon, it will be one year since the outbreak of a massive zombie apocalypse that engrossed East Randomtown.

The zombies are long gone in spirit but their flesh remains.  Boy howdy, do they remain because literally every surface in town is covered with zombie guts.

Cleanup efforts have been underway for quite some time, but they have barely scratched the surface.

Shortly after the zombie apocalypse concluded, scores of wild zombie flesh eating iguanas descended upon East Randomtown.  They’ve become a nuisance, almost like squirrels with scales.

But as it turns out, iguanas love the taste of zombie meat.


Mayoral candidates Bookshelf Q. Battler, proprietor of a website with 3.5 readers and Leo McKoy, the man who once delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek, have the floor.


Acting Mayor Battler

Thank you. As acting mayor, allow me to say that the zombie flesh eating iguanas are a welcome addition to our community.

Sure, they scurry around our feet and get in the way but the important thing to remember is that they are helping us get rid of the zombie carcasses that litter our town.

I don’t want to clean up all those zombie bodies. You don’t want to clean up those zombie bodies. If our little green friends are willing to eat the zombie bodies, then what’s the big deal?

Frankly, these zombie flesh eating iguanas are just eating the zombie flesh that East Randomtown’s current small animal population can’t be bothered to eat.


Mayoral Candidate McKoy

Battler, the last two brain cells in your stupid head need to hump and produce some more brain cells quick lest their entire kind go extinct, because what you just said was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my entire life.

Who are these zombie flesh eating iguanas? What are they doing here? What do they want?

Has anyone ever bothered to ask them? Perhaps their long term goal is to eat us. Any of you yahoos ever stop and think of that?

When these iguanas are done eating all the dead zombie flesh, will they move along or will they become wards of the state that hard working tax paying Americans will have to support once the last bit of zombie flesh has been consumed?

What about East Randomtown’s squirrels?  What about our rats?  Mice? What about our pigeons?

What about our many, many trash animals have been scurrying about our streets aimlessly in search of opportunity?

Shouldn’t our own rodents get first dibs on all that zombie flesh before we start importing thousands and thousands of iguanas?

I can’t count the number of poor, downtrodden, starving badgers I’ve spoken to on the campaign trail who tell me that they can’t get a fair chance at a chunk of leftover zombie flesh because its all being scooped up by dastardly out of town iguanas from God only knows where.

Further, how do we know that consuming zombie flesh is good for anyone?  I’m no scientist, but it would seem to me that allowing iguanas to consume zombie flesh might very well turn those iguanas into a new species of rabid, man eating zombie iguanas.

Better safe than sorry, I always say. Tell those little green piles of puke to move on to the next town because we’ve got enough problems as it is.

There you have it, 3.5 readers. The candidates have sounded off on the very important iguana issue.  Who do you side with?  BQB or Leo McKoy?

Discuss in the comments.

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Is YouTube Over? ( Or, #YouTubeIsOverParty )

Hey 3.5 readers.

Happy Saturday.

So there’s been some talk on the ole inter webs this week that “YouTube is Over.”

Specifically, YouTube has set down some rules that affect the “monetization” of YouTube videos, or in other words, cut into the dough that popular YouTubers make via their YouTubery.

Honestly, I have a face for podcasting and a voice for blogging, so YouTubing is something I don’t forsee myself ever getting into.  Ergo, I’m not sure how it all works vis a vis the money but I assume YouTubers get a cut of the money their videos make when ads are shown before their videos.)

Admittedly, I could be explaining that all wrong. If you know more, fill me in.

At any rate, YouTube has laid down some new rules that YouTubers must follow in order for their videos to be considered “advertiser friendly” and therefore be deemed worthy of monetization i.e. profit for the YouTuber.

YouTuber Phillip DeFranco posted an extensive video about the situation:

The new rules are thus:

Screen Shot 2016-09-02 at 9.57.36 PM

So, as I look above, my gut reaction is “OK, these situations could be problematic…but…what about context?”

  • Sexually Suggestive Content – Eh…I mean no, we don’t want YouTube to be turned into a porn repository but sometimes YouTubers post funny videos about sex, or talk about sexual issues or give advice about sex.  Pretty much every song – pop, rap or otherwise is about sex so their accompanying music videos will be about sex.
  • Violence – In many ways, this is a no brainer. We don’t want YouTube to become online fight club no more than we want it to be a porn depot.  So no, no one should be bonking someone in the head and then posting it.  And obviously regarding violent extremism we don’t want extremists using YouTube to peddle their evil deeds. But what if a YouTuber is reviewing a violent film?  Some YouTubers even produce and put out their own web TV shows that may include fictional violence.
  • Inappropriate language – I get it.  Bad language = bad.  Directed at another person = bad. Used in the context of a joke – could be funny.
  • Drugs – No, we don’t need the youth of the world to be able to go onto YouTube and find videos about how to roll a joint or what have you…but what if someone is mentioning drugs in a joking “Cheech and Chong” like manner?

So here’s the thing.  Sex, violence, bad language and drugs. I get it. These are issues advertisers don’t want to be associated with.

But I could see how there could be a context issue that makes people worry…i.e. YouTubers may be concerned that they might be left in limbo if their videos discuss these issues without necessarily stating that these activities are cool or good or whatever.

And a further concern raised in the Twittosphere has been will there might be selective enforcement.  (i.e. if the average schmuck YouTuber isn’t getting any money for his video that mentions sex and drugs then fairness dictates that popular music videos that mention sex and drugs also not get monetized).

But ok. Devil’s advocate.  Advertisers of toothpaste, cars, candy, whatever don’t want to be associated with your YouTube video if these rules aren’t followed.  OK.  No more sex, drugs, violence and bad language in my YouTube videos and problem solved, right?

Well, check out the last rule.  While the other ones seem to have an issue with context:

“Controversial or sensitive subjects and events including subjects related to war, political conflicts, natural disasters and tragedies, even if graphic imagery is shown.”

Um…it could just be me but this sounds a lot like, “if you post videos about the news, no ka-ching for you!”

And naturally, many political video bloggers or v-loggers are suggesting just that – that this may be a way to crack down on certain political ideas, speech, thoughts, etc.

My two cents – if networks can sell ads during the nightly news, then surely video bloggers who discuss the news, politics, etc should be able to get a few bucks.

Honestly 3.5 readers, I know nothing about any of this and am just regurgitating what I’ve read in the Twitosphere so I could be wrong.  Assume I am wrong.  Don’t think badly of YouTube or YouTubers based on this post but rather, go do your own research.

I assume this will be a situation that no one will know the impact of until it happens and YouTubers report to the public on whether or not they see a decline in cash flow but at any rate if you’re an indie content producer of any kind, whether it be blogging, social media, video posting or whatever, not putting all your eggs in one basket is key.

Branch out lest new rules come down the pike and blindside you.

If you know more about this and can set me straight or better yet if you’re a YouTuber who knows the 411, discuss in the comments.

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The Tao of Bookshelf Q. Battledog

If a cat goes unchased, did a cat serve its purpose?

If I bark at Bookshelf Q. Battler but he doesn’t hear it, did I even bark at all?

If I don’t eat random things off of the floor how will I ever know what they are?

If a blog only has 3.5 readers, does it have any readers at all?

If I lick my butt then lick BQB despite his protests have I covered BQB with my dog butt germs? (Most assuredly so.)

If a chicken crosses the road, gets to the other side, then returns to his initial point of origin, did the chicken ever really go anywhere?

Remember 3.5 readers…a journey of a thousand paw prints begins with one tail wag…also cats are big time buttholes.

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