BQB Rants #1 – Reporters During Storms

I really hate the media.

Sure, you might say, “But BQB, hate is a strong word.”  To that, I’d say, “Yes, but I’m using the word ‘hate’ just as you might say, ‘I hate licorice flavored jelly beans.”  I mean, I hate licorice flavored jelly beans, but not so much that I’d want to purge all licorice flavored jelly beans from the face of the Earth.  I realize other people like licorice flavored jelly beans and the world doesn’t revolve around me.  Hell, once in a blue moon I might eat a licorice flavored jelly bean just to remind myself why I don’t like them.

Now that we’ve gotten that distinction out of the way, allow me to reiterate that I hate the media.  They’re smarmy.  Arrogant.  Self-absorbed.  We, the people, rely on them to report the news but the field of journalism has become so dominated by pompous, preening jackasses that they want to become the news rather than report it.

Never is this fact more on display than when there is a massive storm.  At the time of this writing, it is August 25, 2017 and Hurricane Harvey is about to make the Lone Star State its bitch, which is no easy feet, because even General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna and an army filled with the most advanced, highly trained soldiers of the early 1800s wasn’t able to stop Texans from breaking off and forming their own republic.

Take this brief excerpt from the historical record:

SANTA ANNA:  Hey!  All you gringo dong sniffers in the Alamo!  Put your hands up!  There’s like a zillion of us and like a hundred something of you!

TEXANS:  East a dick!

Pretty sure it was Davy Crockett who told Santa Anna to eat a dick but as you can imagine, historical scholars have been known to disagree on the subject.

Where was I?  Oh right.  Reporters are terrible and are even worse during major storms.  As I write this, I’m flipping through the news channels and even though everyone watching at home is fully capable of imagining what a storm looks like, there’s still some damn doofus with a microphone on screen who was sent out in a rain coat being blown around by gale force winds as rain drops pelt him in the face.

I shouldn’t be sexist.  Sometimes they throw women out there in the middle of Mother Nature’s temper tantrums as well.

Case in point:

ANCHORMAN:  Holy shit, everyone!  There’s a big ass hurricane that’s about to butt rape Texas!  Our own intrepid report Joe Schmoe is on the scene.  Joe, how’s it going down there?

(Cue reporter using a death grip to hold onto a lamp post as the wind blows him to and fro and rain pelts him.)

JOE THE REPORTER:  It sucks really bad!  I think we all might be fucked!  And, oh shit, a tractor trailer just blew five feet over my head but that’s cool, it’s really important that all the dipshits at home see how bad things are here so I’ll keep risking my life!

ANCHORMAN: I’m awfully worried about you, Joe.  Please come inside.

JOE THE REPORTER: Yeah, yeah.  Keep saying that to make people at home think you care.  We all know I’ll get fired if I let go of this lamp post!  Whoa!  Look a bus full of nuns just fell out of the sky and crashed into an orphanage!  Back to you!

Yeah.  And that’s when the equipment is working.  Usually, the storm makes on location reporting difficult.  Consider:

ANCHORMAN:  A fat ass hurricane is about to destroy Texas.  Here to report is our own Sally Schmally.  Sally are you there?

SALLY THE REPORTER:  When am I going on?

ANCHORMAN:  You’re on Sally.

SALLY THE REPORTER:  Can we get out of here quick?  I want to get out of here before the looters come out during the eye of the hurricane and try to have their way with me.

ANCHORMAN:  Sally, is your earpiece working?

SALLY THE REPORTER:  I’m serious.  I’m strapped to the gills and I will pop a cap in all of those futhermuckers I don’t even care.

ANCHORMAN:  Sally, can you hear me?

SALLY THE REPORTER:  Jesus, I guess I have to wait all day getting rained on before they have me on.  Son of a bitch.

Oh well.  That’s my big complaint about reporters during storms.  It sucks they get put into danger.  Yet, somehow, whenever there’s a storm, I can’t look away.  I just pop a big bowl of popcorn and watch at all the reporters in raincoats holding onto lampposts for dear life as they get pelted with rain and whatever blunt objects the wind picked up and wonder how the world got this way.

What do you wonder about, noble reader?





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6 thoughts on “BQB Rants #1 – Reporters During Storms

  1. I hate them because of Hurricane Rita in 2005. Most of Houston went on a vacation and the roads were clogged with evacuees (most of whom probably never needed to evacuate). And why did they do that? The media wouldn’t stop showing footage of the levee breaches in New Orleans and then they’d show the traffic leaving town, back to the radar indicating it’s getting closer, then back to New Orleans footage. The media made the entire Houston metro area FORGET that we are NOT a fishbowl surrounded by three bodies of water. New Orleans averaged about 1-2 feet below sea level. Houston averages 80 feet ABOVE sea level. Big difference. A simple geography lesson could’ve cleared that up, but I guess they needed to sell the hype. Ugh! Since then, I get a little less enamored with the media and storm predictions.

  2. Karen Gray says:

    Being Scottish, and indeed living in Scotland, I don’t get too much in the way of the hurricanes of the level you guys are used to. We have had a few really bad storms but nothing that would tear down houses, even if ours are made of sturdier materials than some across the pond. If we did it would be less watching reporters in the rain and more watching each other in the rain. Take if you please, our beloved hurricane bawbag for example. We have this thing in Scotland where we just laugh in the face of danger and that’s it lol. We laugh at ourselves, we laugh at our pals and folk who aren’t our pals and we laugh at the foreboding danger just around the corner. Because what can be worse than our Tory scumbag overlords? Not much I tell you that. Hell we even put down burning terrorists with a swift kick in the bollocks and then public ally dare them to try again… funny, we have been left alone ever since. There was a wee scare a few years ago about a suicide bomb plan for Glasgow and the response from Glasgow and the rest of Scotland was “‘mon then… if ye think yer hard enough.”
    You know it never materialised.

    I have to hate the media for other reasons though and that is for being so utterly untrustworthy and anti Scottish. But that’s a whole other story all to itself x

    • I hate to say it but all I know about Scotland I learned from Groundskeeper Willie on the Simpsons. We Americans tend to call that whole island “England” and only during the whole Scottish independence vote did I realize only one part is England. I mean, I know Scotland was a separate part but I thought England was another name for the UK and Scotland was a part of England.

      • Karen Gray says:

        Yeah hence why so many Scots hate “the English” as in the establishment as opposed to the people. Nothing against the majority of the people, but we are considered inferior and we really freakin hate that. HATE IT! Just watch, another indyref is on the horizon and it’s really going to throw the cat among the pigeons.

  3. John Matsui says:

    T’was always the case. I put myself in harm’s way more than once during my past life as a reporter AND things have gone crazy competitive thus upping the risk to one-up the news and quasi news competition / people on the spot social media BUT … and here’s the important part. Reporters are there to be the record. Sure there’s a lot of self-hyping but it was the on the scene reporting that showed the attrocities in the Vietnam War, FEMA’s incompetence and possible racist inaction in Katrina’s aftermath. You need to put up with a lot of crap for a wee bit of important stuff. – mhskibum


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