Tag Archives: media

Hurricane Florence News Coverage

BQB: Hello, welcome to the BQB Network’s hurricane news coverage.  First, because everyone at home is too dumb to imagine what heavy winds and rain look like, here’s some asshole reporter we lashed to a post in the middle of the storm.  Asshole reporter, are you there?

ASSHOLE REPORTER LASHED TO A POST: I’m here, BQB!  Boy, this hurricane sure does suck big hairy donkey balls!  As you can see, the water is rising, rising, rising but I’m at the top of this post so I should be fine for awhile and…aw shit, the water’s at my waist, isn’t it?

BQB: You’ll be fine, Asshole Reporter.  Moving on, here’s an interview with Some Dipshit Who Didn’t Listen to the Evacuation Order.

SOME DIPSHIT WHO DIDN’T LISTEN TO THE EVACUATION ORDER: Boy howdy, them government boys told me I got to leave but I said, no sirree, bob.  I am staying put in this house because my great-grandpappy built this house with his bare hands and also I will be damned if I will allow looters to abscond with my precious collection of potato chips that bear a striking resemblance to Harry S. Truman.  But I do thank the 50 emergency rescue team members who risked their lives to save me once the water got so high that I had to tap dance on top of my roof with my dog under my arm.

BQB: And here’s some Bubba who, well, we’re not making fun of him.  I mean, it sounds like we are but he’s cool so we won’t.

BUBBA: My name is Bubba Bosephus Jones and I am from Kentucky and I done come here on my own accord so I could assist authorities in saving folks with my own rowboat and I done already saved 78 old ladies, 4 cats, 3 dogs and 1 hamster.

BQB: It’s like, I want to make fun of you, because the idea of volunteering to go to help people in a disaster is silly to me, but then when I say it out loud, I realize that you’re the good person and I’m the asshole.  Anyway, let’s talk a Democrat to see the political fall out of the storm.

DEMOCRAT: Trump is a demon warlock who causes hurricanes!

BQB: And the president had this to say.

TRUMP:  I will knock out the hurricane with my own penis.  That’s right, people.  My dong is so huge that it can knock out bad weather, believe me.  The fake news media will tell you that it can’t but it totally can, believe me.

 

 

 

 

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“Baby It’s Cold Outside” – Sexual Harassment Version

BQB NOTE:  Last year, I wrote “Politically Correct ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside.‘  Now, given the latest news, it’s time for the Sexual Harassment version.

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HER:  I really can’t stay…

HIM…but baby it’s cold outside.

HER: I’ll call the media right away!

HIM: Oh my God!  No, please, I’ll put down my hands today!

HER:  This evening has been…

HIM:  …I’ll stop bothering you then…

HER:  The top story on CNN!

HIM:  Look, I’m sorry and my abuse will cease.

HER:  I’m drafting a press release.

HIM:  I’m so embarrassed I want to be dead.

HER: Hello operator, put me through to Gloria Allred.

HIM:  I didn’t mean it, I’m so ashamed.

HER:  The pundits will give you the blame.

HIM:  I just wanted to grab a boob.

HER: And now you’re off to jail, so grab the lube.

HIM:  Oh my God, I’m so screwed!

HER: I really can’t stay.

HIM: No more argument here.  So sorry to offend.

HER: Your perversions are now the top Twitter trend!

HER: I really can’t stay.

HIM: Then get the hell out of here!  Please, for the love of God, I still want a job on Monday!

HER:  Wow, it really is cold outside!

 

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BQB Rants #1 – Reporters During Storms

I really hate the media.

Sure, you might say, “But BQB, hate is a strong word.”  To that, I’d say, “Yes, but I’m using the word ‘hate’ just as you might say, ‘I hate licorice flavored jelly beans.”  I mean, I hate licorice flavored jelly beans, but not so much that I’d want to purge all licorice flavored jelly beans from the face of the Earth.  I realize other people like licorice flavored jelly beans and the world doesn’t revolve around me.  Hell, once in a blue moon I might eat a licorice flavored jelly bean just to remind myself why I don’t like them.

Now that we’ve gotten that distinction out of the way, allow me to reiterate that I hate the media.  They’re smarmy.  Arrogant.  Self-absorbed.  We, the people, rely on them to report the news but the field of journalism has become so dominated by pompous, preening jackasses that they want to become the news rather than report it.

Never is this fact more on display than when there is a massive storm.  At the time of this writing, it is August 25, 2017 and Hurricane Harvey is about to make the Lone Star State its bitch, which is no easy feet, because even General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna and an army filled with the most advanced, highly trained soldiers of the early 1800s wasn’t able to stop Texans from breaking off and forming their own republic.

Take this brief excerpt from the historical record:

SANTA ANNA:  Hey!  All you gringo dong sniffers in the Alamo!  Put your hands up!  There’s like a zillion of us and like a hundred something of you!

TEXANS:  East a dick!

Pretty sure it was Davy Crockett who told Santa Anna to eat a dick but as you can imagine, historical scholars have been known to disagree on the subject.

Where was I?  Oh right.  Reporters are terrible and are even worse during major storms.  As I write this, I’m flipping through the news channels and even though everyone watching at home is fully capable of imagining what a storm looks like, there’s still some damn doofus with a microphone on screen who was sent out in a rain coat being blown around by gale force winds as rain drops pelt him in the face.

I shouldn’t be sexist.  Sometimes they throw women out there in the middle of Mother Nature’s temper tantrums as well.

Case in point:

ANCHORMAN:  Holy shit, everyone!  There’s a big ass hurricane that’s about to butt rape Texas!  Our own intrepid report Joe Schmoe is on the scene.  Joe, how’s it going down there?

(Cue reporter using a death grip to hold onto a lamp post as the wind blows him to and fro and rain pelts him.)

JOE THE REPORTER:  It sucks really bad!  I think we all might be fucked!  And, oh shit, a tractor trailer just blew five feet over my head but that’s cool, it’s really important that all the dipshits at home see how bad things are here so I’ll keep risking my life!

ANCHORMAN: I’m awfully worried about you, Joe.  Please come inside.

JOE THE REPORTER: Yeah, yeah.  Keep saying that to make people at home think you care.  We all know I’ll get fired if I let go of this lamp post!  Whoa!  Look a bus full of nuns just fell out of the sky and crashed into an orphanage!  Back to you!

Yeah.  And that’s when the equipment is working.  Usually, the storm makes on location reporting difficult.  Consider:

ANCHORMAN:  A fat ass hurricane is about to destroy Texas.  Here to report is our own Sally Schmally.  Sally are you there?

SALLY THE REPORTER:  When am I going on?

ANCHORMAN:  You’re on Sally.

SALLY THE REPORTER:  Can we get out of here quick?  I want to get out of here before the looters come out during the eye of the hurricane and try to have their way with me.

ANCHORMAN:  Sally, is your earpiece working?

SALLY THE REPORTER:  I’m serious.  I’m strapped to the gills and I will pop a cap in all of those futhermuckers I don’t even care.

ANCHORMAN:  Sally, can you hear me?

SALLY THE REPORTER:  Jesus, I guess I have to wait all day getting rained on before they have me on.  Son of a bitch.

Oh well.  That’s my big complaint about reporters during storms.  It sucks they get put into danger.  Yet, somehow, whenever there’s a storm, I can’t look away.  I just pop a big bowl of popcorn and watch at all the reporters in raincoats holding onto lampposts for dear life as they get pelted with rain and whatever blunt objects the wind picked up and wonder how the world got this way.

What do you wonder about, noble reader?

 

 

 

 

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Will You Use Facebook Live for Promotion?

Hey nerds.

Informal poll here.

I’ve been seeing people spring up with Facebook Livestreaming all over the place the past a week, the latest Facebook feature.

Will you use it and what for?

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Comcast on an App

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

I heard something amazing today, that Comcast is going to be available on an app.

You don’t need a cable box.  Just a TV with an Internet connection.  Turn on the app and you get the channels, the on demand stuff, you can still record shows with a virtual DVR.

Available on any gadget that can stream media – your laptop, tablet, phone, etc.

This is pretty much the end of cable as we know it, isn’t it?

The future is now!

Good or bad, what say you, 3.5 readers?

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365 Days. 1 Nerd. Results of the One Post a Day Challenge – 2015 Complete

SECURE INTERGALACTIC TRANSMISSION

TO: The Mighty Potentate

FROM: Alien Jones, the Esteemed Brainy One

RE: Results of Bookshelf Q. Battler’s One Post a Day for a Year Challenge – 2015

DATE: Jan. 1, 2016

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!

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Alien Jones tallies BQB’s 2015 stats.

Your lowly servant, Alien Jones here to report on the results of Bookshelf Q. Battler’s One Post a Day Challenge.  As you recall, Your Potentosity, you have identified BQB as “The Chosen One,” the only Earth writer capable of putting out a book that will convince the humans to abandon the reality television programming that you despise with such magnanimous enthusiasm.

HOW IT BEGAN

BQB only intended to write very brief posts for the purpose of drawing some attention to his blog. However, he quickly became hooked on seeing his stats improve and spent the year focusing on his blog instead of his languishing career as a novelist.

Further, BQB made daily postings on social media. He had Twitter at the beginning of the year. He got onto Google Plus early in the year. He had been on Facebook but finally began pushing harder on it in the Fall.

WHAT DID BQB DO?

  1. Posted 1 or more (and often, more) posts on his blog daily. Did not miss a day.
  2. Posted daily on Twitter from the beginning of the year.
  3. Posted daily on Google Plus when he started it (his pitiful human brain doesn’t remember when that started but believes it was early in the year.)
  4. Became more active on Facebook, by the end of the year he started posting there daily. Also, he spent a bit of his human money to buy some Facebook ads.
  5. Joined and became active on Wattpad, posting stories and offering comments on other writers’ works.

BQB’S BEGINNING STATS

BQB, ever unsure of himself, blogged every day in January, 2015 just to see if he could do it. He then announced Feb 1. that he’d see this through to the end of the year.

WHAT BQB SAID ABOUT HIS STATS FEB 1:

“At the time of this writing, I’m averaging 35-40 site visitors per day. I believe this is due to daily postings.

I’m also seeing an increase in blog followers. I had 400 at the start of the year, and about 450 now.

I had 2000 twitter followers at the start of the year, I’m at around 2500 now.”

 STAT COMPARISON A YEAR LATER

WORDPRESS

FOLLOWERS

JAN 1, 2015 – Approx. 400

JAN 1, 2016 – 1,520

INCREASE of 1,120 approx.

2014 vs. 2015

BQB began this blog in 2014, but did not blog daily. In fact, he often let a lot of time pass between posts.

2014 Stats

VIEWS – 4,658

VISITORS – 3,623

LIKES – 895

COMMENTS – 227

2015 Stats

VIEWS – 28,103 (Up approx 24,000)

VISITORS – 14,880 (Up approx 11,000)

LIKES – 7,836 (Up approx 6,000)

COMMENTS – 2000 (Up approx 1800)

TWITTER

JAN 1, 2015 – 2,000 followers (approx)

JAN 1, 2016 – 7,168

GOOGLE PLUS

2014 – BQB didn’t have it.  He started in 2015.

Jan 1, 2016 – 858 followers

FACEBOOK

Likes were barely existent starting 2015. BQB experimented with buying some Facebook ads in the Fall. Currently, the Bookshelf Battle Facebook Page has 169 likes and the Pop Culture Mysteries Facebook Page has 107 likes.

SOCIAL MEDIA OBSERVATIONS – IS SOCIAL MEDIA WORTH IT?

Human writers often debate whether social media is worth their time. Some praise it as a free marketing tool. Others complain it takes time away from their actual writing.

For all of the social media activity BQB engaged in…

TWITTER – brought 527 views total to BQB’s blog this year.

FACEBOOK – brought 368 views total.

GOOGLE PLUS – 270

 Thus, it is clear that having more followers on social media does not mean they will all visit your website. However, BQB feels his social media efforts did help to raise awareness of his blog and to make contacts with other writers, such as the fine authors who helped him out of the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse in October.

OTHER OBSERVATIONS 

SEARCH ENGINES – gave BQB 6,898 views. It pays to write a lot. The more content you have on your site, the more likely people will visit your site through a search engine.

WORDPRESS READER – 1,156 – The more wordpress followers you have, the more people will seeing your blog in their wordpress reader.

DAILY VIEWS – BQB found that for the most part, his efforts attracted somewhere between 30-50 visitors (more or less). Occasionally, it would push 100, a few times over 100, but never over 200.

To BQB’s credit, his view rate is high, meaning that there are a number of visitors coming to the site, liking what they see, and giving it a few more views.

OVERALL – WAS THE ONE POST A DAY CHALLENGE WORTH IT?

Yes. The Chosen One has gone from dabbling in a blog to building a platform.

BQB has a tendency to doubt himself, but will keep up with something if he sees progress and there was definite progress this year.

THE FUTURE

As a pitiful human, BQB can’t do everything, so in 2016 he will have to divert his attention to his novel writing career. However, the time he spent building this site’s readership will likely payoff one day…some day.

Somehow no matter what happens, BQB only reports having 3.5 readers though. That is likely to continue.

MY RECOMMENDATION 

Spare the Earthlings, Mighty Potentate. BQB is doing his best to write a novel and build a writing career. He will do his best to convince the pitiful humans to stop watching reality television and read books instead.

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENATE!

Alien Jones, out.

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Crowdsourcing a Novel?

Happy Tuesday, 3.5 Readers.shutterstock_71510056

Bookshelf Q. Battler here.

Have I mentioned how much I love Pop Culture Mysteries?  These things write themselves.  I have plenty of ideas lined up, it’s just a matter of finding the time to write them.  (Er, I mean to have Jake write them.)

I’m thinking about writing a novel set in Jake’s world.

Actually, Jake would write it and I’d just take the credit for it.

The gist would be that a serial killer Jake hunted as a police detective in 1949 has found his way to 2015.  Jake has to drop his Pop Culture Mystery investigations for awhile and retrace his steps from long ago as the killer wreaks havoc in modern times.

Delicious Dish Delilah K. Donnelly would back our resident gumshoe up, naturally.

Or in other words – Mr. Devil Man.

If I go for it, I’d publish the novel here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog first in a series of posts, giving my 3.5 readers an early look.

Tell me if it’s good or not, what works, what doesn’t, how I could improve and so on.

Ultimately, you fine 3.5ers could give me the thumbs up or down as to whether it would be worth it to move on the next stages, i.e. finding an editor, putting an ebook together and putting it out there on Amazon.

PRO – It’d motivate me to actually write a novel.

CON – Would people outside of this blog’s 3.5 readership understand who Bookshelf Q. Battler is?  I suppose the novel could begin with a brief intro that Jake fell asleep for 59 years only to get a job as a Pop Culture Detective for a nerdy blogger.

I don’t know.  Like most ideas, could be great, could be not.

I’m itching to get something self-published though.

Who would want to be my test nerds?

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Celebrity Retweet

Hello 3.5 Readers.

As you know, I am in quite a struggle against the Yeti, who for no practical rhyme or reason, refuses to leave Bookshelf Battle HQ until I receive 4000 twitter followers.

Now, I’m no name dropper and in fact, I pride myself on my humility.  I’ve got humility by the truckload.

Imagine my delight when I saw a tweet I wrote about Irish Author James Joyce on St. Patrick’s Day was favorited by a prominent Hollywood entertainment lawyer.

Further, when I tweeted that I was honored by my tweet being favorited by this tremendous legal scholar, said barrister further honored me by retweeting said tweet:

You don’t recognize prominent Entertainment Attorney Jeff Cohen?

Perhaps a photo from his younger days will refresh your memory:

warnber_bros

Truffle Shuffle 4-Life!

Honestly, sometimes it’s the little things in life that get you through the day.  Chunk.  The guy who played Chunk favorited my tweet.  And the guy who played Chunk rose past childhood stardom to become a professional attorney.  Good for him.

My 3.5 readers know I am incredibly sarcastic.  Please know this post has no sarcasm whatsoever.  I remember watching Goonies when I was a kid, thinking it was a perfect blend of comedy and adventure. That someone who starred in that movie noticed something I wrote (and yeah, it was just a stupid little tweet and for all I know he hit the favorite button by accident) brought a smile to my face.

So, it is with full sincerity and without my usual brand of sarcasm that I say, “Thank you for making my day, Jeff Cohen.”

That’s all the superfluous name dropping I’ll do for today.  I won’t even mention that I am still followed by @TayeDiggs, probably because his assistant clicked my follow button by accident.

Checkmate, Yeti.  Checkmate.

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The Dress

Top Ten Explanations for “The Dress”

gcmrcydrfpdfyamqbp8w1) It’s a CIA Mind Control Conspiracy.  The longer we stare at it, the more hypnotized we become…

2)  Same thing but aliens did it instead of the CIA.  I will have to consult Alien Jones on this.

3)  It’s an ancient Queen’s dress come back to haunt us.

4)  It is an intelligence test.

5)  It is an illuminati conspiracy to turn us against each other.  Where were you on the day the people who saw white and gold separated from the people who saw black and blue?

6)  Charlie Sheen found it crumpled up on his floor last night, hanged it up, and posted a pic.  Had no idea it would go viral.  Winning!

7) It’s a psychology study to see how long we, as a society, are willing to talk about mundane things.  Answer – a long time!

8)  It is a wearable Rorschach test.

9)  If you see white and gold, you are awesome.  Thus, proof I am awesome.

10) It is just a dress.

Seriously (or maybe not so seriously), I have long held a theory that perhaps people see things differently.   I have wondered – “What if, what I see as blue, other people see as red?”  and “What if, when I am talking about something I think is blue, people hear me say, ‘blue’ but they think of what I see as ‘red?'”

To blow your mind more, what if, what I see as people, you see what I believe to be lizards?  What if, when you look at a lizard, you see what I would see as a tiny little person walking around on all fours?

MIND BLOWN!

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Movie Review – The Interview (2014)

Bookshelf Battler, here with another movie review.  So many movie reviews lately I should probably rename this site “Movie Shelf Battle” except that would not make sense, since movies aren’t put on shelves anymore.

But I digress.

So after all the hoopla, after the big hacking scandal, after the international hullabaloo, I finally had the chance to watch The Interview starring Seth Rogen and James Franco.

How do I say this?  I think the hackers might have accidentally done the boys a big favor.

I don’t mean they did them a favor in getting the movie pulled from – well, I’ve lost track, first it was every theater, then it was some theaters.  How did you see it?  I paid to rent it and Rogen and Franco now have 6 bucks I’ll never get back.  Lousy Hollywood types.

My thoughts?  Overall, the film is so-so and ultimately, kind of forgettable.  All of the free publicity caused by the hacking scandal will probably get this movie more views and downloads than it ever would have on its own, from people who will tune in just to see what all the fuss is about.

I love comedy.  Comedy is the most honest form of entertainment there is.  With drama, you can say you like it, that you even get it, but secretly you didn’t like it.  You’re just saying you like it to fit in and be cool.  But comedy?  If something tickles your funny bone, you will involuntarily laugh.  You might try to hold back, but if something is funny enough, you would be able to hold back.  And to its credit, The Interview did have a few moments where it did make me do just that.

But in my opinion, Hollywood has been on kind of a losing streak when it comes to comedy, and I mean laugh out loud, slap your knees all the way through the film comedy.  I haven’t seen a comedy that made me laugh from beginning to end since the original The Hangover in 2009.  So that’s, what?  Five, coming on six years since Hollywood has provided me with a genuine laugh all the way through the movie knee-slapper.

Do you mind if I give you SPOILERS?  Hell, the spoilers are pretty much out there already, aren’t they?

So, basic premise of the movie – Franco is Dave Skylark and Rogen is Aaron Rappaort.  Together, they are a duo that hosts and produces a celebrity gossip interview show – Skylark Tonight.  Rappaport feels the need to engage in more serious journalism.  The duo learn that Kim Jong Un is a fan of the show, so they arrange for, dun dun dun – an Interview.

The CIA learns of this and convinces the pair to try and assassinate Kim Jong Un, and I actually thought the film, rather than provide a caricature, actually provided an actor that is a bit tougher looking than the Dear Leader, but that’s just my two cents.

The funnier parts of the movie come from Rogen and Franco training on how to use a special Ricin poison strip on their hand, which they plan to deploy to Un with a poisoned handshake.  Naturally, the bumblers put the Ricin everywhere but Un’s hand.

At the end of the movie, Skylark and Rappaport, aided by North Korea’s turncoat propaganda minister, who secretly wants a free NK, decide not to kill Un but instead, to ambush him on air with hard hitting questions that will humiliate him and public and convince the North Koreans to reject him.

Skylark rattles off a lot of important questions about concentration camps, how the country spent 800 million on nukes when it has 16 million people starving, and so on.  Arguably, the film actually does provide a lot of important info to the American people, things a lot of inattentive Americans never thought about, namely that North Korea is a nuclear nation capable of launching a nuclear attack on the West Coast.  Yeah…yeah…sorry if you’re on the West Coast and you just read that, but try to get some sleep tonight anyway.  Probably not gonna happen.  Let’s keep our fingers crossed.

So toward the end of the movie, I think, “Wow, Rogen and Franco, how smart – they’ve used the assassination plot story line as just a pretext to reach an actual interview in which a lot of important political questions are asked, and important info is provided in a funny way.  But then, of course, they go ahead and have a final confrontation scene where Franco and Rogen, in a tank, go head to head with Un, in a helicopter, in a final battle royale to the finish.  So much for closing out the movie with a little dignity.

Like I said, it is not without its funny moments, moments that will make you laugh, but I doubt it will join the ranks of films I will ever bother watching again, so I think had the hackers just left this one alone, it probably would have easily faded into obscurity on its own.  Now with all the hype – I mean, Hell, my Grandkids one day will probably come up to me and be all like, “Hey Grandpa, what was that movie by those two doofuses that almost started World War III?”

I’m glad Sony did distribute the film, because to allow bullies to tell us what we can and can’t watch is just plain wrong – but sheesh, this was kind of a stinker of a film to get into such a major international argument about.

On a final note – this was a major event in direct to download movie distribution.  That topic was discussed earlier this year with the announcement that Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon 2 would be released directly to Netflix.  Personally, I’m against direct to download first time movie releases, and I hope that all three of my regular readers, including my Aunt Gertrude, will feel the same way.

Why?  Go ahead ask me why.

Because I feel like that would just totally destroy the movie theater industry.  And sure, you might think back to the time you got ripped off at the theaters and had to spend a ridiculous sum on candy and popcorn but honestly – let me repeat, honestly – do you really want to see a day where going out to the movies on a Friday night becomes a thing of the past?  I certainly don’t.

Thanks for reading, Happy New Year!

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