Mack Smasher: Renegade Straw Cop – Introductory News Article

EDITORIAL NOTE:  I know.  The worst thing a writer can do is work on a new project when another is underway.  However, sometimes I get so inspired that I overfill with glee and laugh and laugh and laugh as I think of a premise.  Seeing the news that the District of Columbia hired a straw ban enforcement officer popped this little gem into my mind, so without further ado…


An Excerpt From the Washington Telegraph-Dispatch

Washington, D.C. Rings in a Strawless New Year

              By: Ariana Esposito, Telegraph-Dispatch Staff Writer, January 1, 2019

Say goodbye to that water tube, boys and girls.  A district wide ban on those pesky little pieces of plastic goes into effect today.  It will be illegal for restaurants and other food service businesses to provide them to the general public, though they will be required to still have a small amount on hand as the ban does not apply to customers with disabilities that make drinking from a straw an absolute necessity.

The city has taken a gradual approach to enforcement.  Business owners will be given until July to comply, allowing them to burn through the supplies of plastic supplies on hand currently.  Many establishments are transitioning from plastic straws to easily biodegradable paper alternatives, or metal straws that can be washed and re-used.

D.C. police will handle investigate all failures to comply with the ban.  A special Straw Law Enforcement Unit has been established.  Officers from the squad have been out in full force, issuing pamphlets that summarize what restauranteurs need to know about the ban.  After July 1, the unit will be empowered to issue fines to businesses that are still giving out plastic straws.  Multiple violations could result in jail time.

Needless to say, activists on both sides of the aisle mixed feelings.  Monica Blather, a founding member of the liberal think tank, More Blame for America Now! was all for the regulation.  “This is wonderful.  Absolutely fabulous!  We humans have been raping the earth for far too long and now we need to return our planet to the pristine state it was once in.  Banning straws is a good first step, but next we all must give up our cars, houses, and any and all modern conveniences and live in environmentally friendly, low carbon footprint caves.  Oh, but you give up all your stuff and move into a cave first, please, and then eventually I’ll join you.  I swear.”

On the right side of the aisle, conservative talk show host Jim Claymore of Jim Claymore’s America was outraged.  “These liberal whack jobs won’t rest until America is screwed into a far-left hellscape.  First, they come for the straws.  Next, they’ll come for your guns.  Then it’s freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom of association.  They’ll pass abortion laws that will allow elderly parents to stick their forty-year-old children into woodchippers and after they do all that, the libtards will achieve their long sought after coupe de grace.  That’s right.  Mandatory dick choppings.  Feminists will run through the streets with rusty butcher knives, lopping off peckers left and right, fully sanctioned by the United States government.  You heard it here first, folks.  And mark my words, the socialist nightmare that is coming America’s way is coming with this Godforsaken straw ban.”

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