Daily Archives: March 10, 2019

Five Year Anniversary of this Fine Blog

(This video is the best thing I ever got a woman to do for five bucks.)

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

Five years ago, this blog was conceived when I was crying myself into a cheesy burrito at Taco Bell, upset that I had not yet achieved my dream of becoming a professional writer.

I then realized that blogging technology exists, everyone was doing it, that I was someone and ergo, I should also add my voice into the vapid Internet vacuum.

And so, on that fateful day, this terrible blog was born.  Ironically, it wasn’t the worst thing that happened that day.  Years later, I would come to realize that when I ate a burrito, I was engaging in highly unwoke cultural appropriation, for I am not a Mexican and therefore have no right to consume Mexican food.

To condense this tomfoolery, I have never forgiven myself for either atrocity – the blog as well as the unwoke food choice.

Worse, I continue to do both to this day, having not learned my lesson.  Come to think of it, I’m eating a burrito as I type this right now.  Mmm tasty for a minute, but then an hour devoted to cleaning cheese out of my keyboard later.  Oh well, nothing good in life ever came easy.

When I first started, this blog was supposed to just be a little hobby.  Something to give me an online presence.  In the meantime, I was going to work on books and try to query them and then be like, “Hey agent!  I have a blog!”

That never bore fruit.  Instead, I got hooked on the world of self-publishing.  It remains to be seen if that was a good thing to get into or not.

Part of me thinks it is a viable business opportunity if I just remain patient and realize that it is a long game where you have to get maybe 5 or 6 really good books out there before people take notice.

Another part of me thinks life would be so much better if I’d just throw my computer in a dumpster, toss in some gas and a lighted match, set it all ablaze, extinguish it, leave a note of apology to the dumpster company and then spend the time I use for writing on something like, oh, I don’t know, walking on a treadmill and making green smoothies.

I’d say that last option would make my doctor happier but honestly, I don’t think my doctor could pick me out of a lineup.

I’d quit this if I could and there’s a part of me that thinks maybe social media is ruining everything.  Sure, it gives a voice to the voice-less, but it also gives a voice to a lot of a-holes and I fear I may be one of them.

Here are some stats I’ve scored in my five years of bloggery.  You tell me if they made this futile exercise worth it:

(All numbers are what I’ve racked up since the blog began 5 years ago.)

POSTS – 3,537 (Mostly about farts)

VIEWS – 122,325 (Mostly Aunt Gertie)

VISITORS – 80,078 (Mostly people who came here for directions on how to get away from here.)

And there you have it.  My blogging all boiled down to the stats.  By the way, I also have 2,605 who have clicked the follow button on this blog but somehow, I only have 3.5 readers.  I know 3.5 is facetious but it isn’t that much of a stretch either.  On an average day, I’m lucky to crack maybe 20 or 30 visitors.  Getting over 100 in a day is reason to pop the champagne.

So, let me know what you think about my 5 years of blogging.  Oh, and if you’ve followed me from the beginning, for a couple years, or just started recently, thank you…and also, I hope whatever ailment you are suffering from that keeps you housebound and unable to do anything productive so all you do is just read dumb blogs like this one clears up soon.

Don’t forget to buy a book.

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Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Be Dating the Phantom of the Opera

BQB HERE: I haven’t done a top ten list in ages, so enjoy.  Click on the “Top Ten Category” Link and see more if you wish.

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Congratulations!  You just scored your dream job, that of the hot new soprano in a Paris opera house.  Pretty soon, you’ll be raking in the cash and also getting all kinds of tasty croissants from your fans.  I assume that’s how the French reward their singers.  I don’t really know though.

The catch?  A disfigured madman has absconded with you and taken you to his secret underground lair.  But seriously, given how downright awful men have become, that could just be an average Tuesday night for most ladies.

Anyway, is your date the Phantom of the Opera?  Check my handy list to find out:

#10 – He is a Phantom inside of an Opera

This is usually a dead giveaway.  After all, it’s not like opera houses employ multiple phantoms, so if you’re at the opera and you have met a damn phantom, then run, ma’am, because that son of a bitch is the one and only Phantom of the Opera.

Or stay if you are into that sort of thing.  Personally, I think you can do better.  But hey, even though he’s ugly he might be packing a tree trunk under that cape, so what do I know?  Relationships are all about decisions and compromise, I suppose.

#9 – Is He Inside Your Mind?

Check out Andrew Lloyd Weber’s infamous lyrics.  If he’s in your mind, he might be the Phantom of the Opera.  Then again, he could just be playing head games.  A lot of men do that, you know.  Damn men.  I can’t stand them.  That’s why I only date women.  Also, because I like boobs, but that’s an entirely different column.

#8 – Has He Kidnapped You and Taken You to His Sewer Lair?

If you’re not award winning TV reporter April O’Neil and he isn’t green, then he’s probably the frigging Phantom of the Opera.

#7 – Have Those Who Have Seen His Face Drawn Back in Fear?

Again, check the lyrics.  Although, this isn’t conclusive because people who see my face draw back in fear and I’m not the Phantom of the Opera.

#6 – Does He Wear Half of a Porcelain Mask?

Could be, but also could just be a flamboyant drama student.

#5 – Did You Meet Him on Tinder?

Then it’s not him.  Don’t confuse him with his cousin, The Phantom of the Tinder.

#4 – Does He Wear a Cape?

Sadly…and this is a harsh indictment of today’s men, but yeah…that isn’t conclusive either.

#3 – Does He Call You His Angel of Music?

That’s really sweet.  You know, so what if his face is messed up and lives in a sewer?  He calls you nice names so you could just give it a chance and oh, what, all the kidnapping and murders.  Even so, do you think anyone better is coming along?  Look, I’m not telling you to settle but just make sure you don’t wait so long that you end up alone.  After 40, when you’re hugging a cat and downing a pint of ice cream on your couch all alone, you’ll pine for that kidnapping murderer with the messed up face.

Bonus points if you don’t. #selfrespect

#2 – Does He Sing to You in Your Sleep?

Could be him.  Could be your creepy ass next door neighbor.

#1 – If You Have to Ask, He Probably Is

I mean, come on.  Whether or not your boyfriend is the Phantom of the Opera is just something you know, right?

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