Category Archives: top ten lists

How A Post About Witches Increased Traffic to This Fine Blog

Nuclear missiles can be launched with less effort than it took me to add this picture to this post. I am really not a fan of WordPress’ new blogging functions. I was only starting to get the hang of the last version after 7 years.

A few years ago, I was younger (spoiler alert, a few years ago we were all younger by a few years) and I had more energy to write creatively on this fine blog. Among my contributions were a series of the top ten reasons why your boyfriend or girlfriend was…a vampire…a doomsday prepper…a ninja…an assassin…a wannabe rapper…and so on.

Now I’m a few years older and I have less energy. Also, quite frankly, I have less time on earth now and my mind no longer placates itself into thinking that I’m gonna turn it all around by becoming a famous write. I’m stuck in the bed I made for myself and let that be a lesson to you, 3.5 readers. Once you make your bed, you got to lie in it…forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. Ergo, I am now a grumpy old bastard with less time and/or interest in bringing myself to think of creative things to write on this fine blog.

But a few years ago I wrote a post about the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Witch. Over the years, I saw interest in this post grow, including search terms like, “Is my girlfriend a witch?” (Son, I hate to break it to you, but if you have to google it, you already know the answer.)

I am curious if such googlers are worried their girlfriends are witches of the occult variety (i.e. some dude who saw a female silhouette strafing across the night sky atop a broomstick and he couldn’t help but notice that while this was happening his girlfriend and broomstick were nowhere to be found) or of the regular variety (i.e. she never lets him watch the game or chill with his homeboys and if he burps sideways she writes eighty-seven posts about it.)

Anyway, there is usually an uptick of interest in this post around Halloween. Hard to say, but 30 visitors a day to this exceptional blog is average. Around Halloween this year I received close to 200 visitors thanks in large part to this post. To the close to 200 dudes trying to find out if their girlfriends are witches, I think you ought to stop wondering and just go out and find yourselves girlfriends who you are SURE are not witches…unless you are ugly and/or poor and/or unsuccessful in which case you should probably stick with these witches because on a statistical level, no one else wants you so you need to put up with your girlfriend’s cauldron full of eye of newt and/or charging designer furry boots on your credit card without your permission, whichever witch case she may be.

Or don’t. Because hey, it’s better to be single than to be with a witch. Then again, I hear green women are freaky so maybe she’s worth it. You know what? Don’t come to me for advice about women, be they witches or non-witches. If I knew anything about women, I wouldn’t be writing on a blog that is read by only 3.5 readers.

Anyway, I hope this increase in visitors continues. Though Halloween is behind us, the daily visitors seem consistent at around 70, so there are still a lot of dudes who want to know if they are dating witches.

To those dudes I say:

  1. Probably.
  2. But are you a prize yourself?
  3. Maybe you should just go with it. Not all witches are bad.
  4. I’m sorry she turned you into a toad.

Do you want to know if your girlfriend is a witch? Read the epic post here.

https://bookshelfbattle.com/2016/04/02/top-ten-warning-signs-your-girlfriend-might-be-a-witch/

FYI: I would have embedded the above post into the words “Read the epic post here” but WordPress changes its blogging functions around more than Lady Gaga changes her outfits and I don’t have the strength to figure out how to embed links into words at the moment.

DOUBLE FYI: I just googled “Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Witch” and I’m proud to say that this post was ranked not only at the top of the page, but a similar post from The Washington Post came in second. A few years ago, that would have really stroked my ego, but today as I mentioned I am quite old and lethargic so I’m not that impressed…although I would note that when it comes to the topic of determining whether one’s girlfriend is a witch, this blog beats the paper that took down Nixon even while it has all the resources that Jeff Bezos can bring to bear, including the whopping 17.8 cents that Jeff has added to his fortune thanks to my self-published books.

TRIPLE FYI: Lesbians, I didn’t forget you. You may also be dating witches. You might also want to check out this post or you might want to ignore it because again, I’m not the one that straight dudes should be going to advice for about women so I doubt my advice will help you out either.

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Top Ten Reasons Why You Smell So Bad

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Just a quick list, 3.5 readers.  No snappy introduction.  No exposition.

I’m not saying you DO smell bad, I’m just saying, IF you do, here are some reasons why:

#10 – You farted.

#9 – Someone near you farted and you caught second hand fart stink.

#8 – You burped.  Burps are the farts of the mouth.  Meanwhile, farts are the burps of the butt.

#7 – You forgot to shower for 50 days.

#6 – You just got back from a visit to a cow farm.

#5 – You ate onions.

#4 – You had to cut open a large animal and hide inside its carcass for warmth during a blizzard.

#3 – You smeared old, rancid mayo on yourself then sat outside to bake in the hot sun all day.  Don’t ask me why you did this.  You’re the one who did it, idiot.

#2 – You tripped and fell head first into the cat’s litter box.  While you were down there, the cat didn’t notice you and pooped on your head, then scratched your face in a vain effort to bury the offending poop.  The entire time, you were too polite to not move and/or notify the cat of his/her mistake.

#1 – A stink bomb went off in your pants.

As far as I know, these are the only reasons I can think of as to why you might smell bad.  If you think of more, leave them in the comments.

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Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Be Dating the Phantom of the Opera

BQB HERE: I haven’t done a top ten list in ages, so enjoy.  Click on the “Top Ten Category” Link and see more if you wish.

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Congratulations!  You just scored your dream job, that of the hot new soprano in a Paris opera house.  Pretty soon, you’ll be raking in the cash and also getting all kinds of tasty croissants from your fans.  I assume that’s how the French reward their singers.  I don’t really know though.

The catch?  A disfigured madman has absconded with you and taken you to his secret underground lair.  But seriously, given how downright awful men have become, that could just be an average Tuesday night for most ladies.

Anyway, is your date the Phantom of the Opera?  Check my handy list to find out:

#10 – He is a Phantom inside of an Opera

This is usually a dead giveaway.  After all, it’s not like opera houses employ multiple phantoms, so if you’re at the opera and you have met a damn phantom, then run, ma’am, because that son of a bitch is the one and only Phantom of the Opera.

Or stay if you are into that sort of thing.  Personally, I think you can do better.  But hey, even though he’s ugly he might be packing a tree trunk under that cape, so what do I know?  Relationships are all about decisions and compromise, I suppose.

#9 – Is He Inside Your Mind?

Check out Andrew Lloyd Weber’s infamous lyrics.  If he’s in your mind, he might be the Phantom of the Opera.  Then again, he could just be playing head games.  A lot of men do that, you know.  Damn men.  I can’t stand them.  That’s why I only date women.  Also, because I like boobs, but that’s an entirely different column.

#8 – Has He Kidnapped You and Taken You to His Sewer Lair?

If you’re not award winning TV reporter April O’Neil and he isn’t green, then he’s probably the frigging Phantom of the Opera.

#7 – Have Those Who Have Seen His Face Drawn Back in Fear?

Again, check the lyrics.  Although, this isn’t conclusive because people who see my face draw back in fear and I’m not the Phantom of the Opera.

#6 – Does He Wear Half of a Porcelain Mask?

Could be, but also could just be a flamboyant drama student.

#5 – Did You Meet Him on Tinder?

Then it’s not him.  Don’t confuse him with his cousin, The Phantom of the Tinder.

#4 – Does He Wear a Cape?

Sadly…and this is a harsh indictment of today’s men, but yeah…that isn’t conclusive either.

#3 – Does He Call You His Angel of Music?

That’s really sweet.  You know, so what if his face is messed up and lives in a sewer?  He calls you nice names so you could just give it a chance and oh, what, all the kidnapping and murders.  Even so, do you think anyone better is coming along?  Look, I’m not telling you to settle but just make sure you don’t wait so long that you end up alone.  After 40, when you’re hugging a cat and downing a pint of ice cream on your couch all alone, you’ll pine for that kidnapping murderer with the messed up face.

Bonus points if you don’t. #selfrespect

#2 – Does He Sing to You in Your Sleep?

Could be him.  Could be your creepy ass next door neighbor.

#1 – If You Have to Ask, He Probably Is

I mean, come on.  Whether or not your boyfriend is the Phantom of the Opera is just something you know, right?

Witch Pickup Lines

It’s that time of year.  You’re attending a Halloween party and you see a fly ass green hunny who you just gots to knock big belt buckled boots with.

Let BQB show you how it’s done with his Top Ten Witch Pickup Lines.

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Shh! Your man is a mime!

He’ll pay attention to you as soon as he leaves his invisible box.

Until then, check out this BQB top ten list.

 

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You’re Dating a Hipster!

Ladies, were you dating hipsters before it was cool?

Have you dated hipsters before but you doubt we would have heard of them?

Consult this handy BQB Top Ten List to find out if you have dated a hipster.

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How to Pick Up a Witch

You’ll get those witches, my pretty, and then you can tell all your dawgs too!

For some reason, my post about witch pick up lines is popular.  Apparently, there are lots of dudes out there trying to find a witch.  So ladies, if you dabble in the occult, know that there are eligible bachelors out there looking for you to cast a spell on them.

Here’s my list of top ten witch pickup lines.

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Is Your Girlfriend a Steampunk?

Does she wear a top hat?  Does she speak in a cockney accent?  Does she use modern tech that looks like it was built during Victorian times?

Sounds like she is, but this top ten list can help you know for sure.

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Has Your Butt Been Probed By Aliens?

Your butt.  You must protect it from danger at all times.

Has your butt been probed by aliens from another world?

Only this BQB Top Ten List can help you know for sure.

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Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Not Eat Tide Pods

3.5 readers, there was once a time when you had to lug a fat ass jug of liquid washing machine soap from the store to your home and then dump a quantity of that jug into your machine whenever you wanted to wash your clothes…LIKE A GODDAMN CAVEMAN!

But then, thanks to SCIENCE, Tide pods were invented.  They’re little plastic doo-dads filled with just enough soap for a load of laundry.  While you were expected to measure out the soap you were pouring, literally no one, and I mean NO ONE ever did that, so you’d either dump too little soap or a shit ton of soap but these pods let you throw in just enough.

But now, their are big dumb dummies who are eating them  Stop eating Tide pods, dummies.

From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Eat Tide Pods:

#1 – They are poisonous.

#2-10 – They are poisonous.

BONUS REASON TO NOT EAT TIDE PODS:  YOU WILL DIE!

Don’t eat Tide pods, 3.5 readers.

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