Category Archives: top ten lists

Top Ten Reasons Why You Smell So Bad

shutterstock_135572393

Just a quick list, 3.5 readers.  No snappy introduction.  No exposition.

I’m not saying you DO smell bad, I’m just saying, IF you do, here are some reasons why:

#10 – You farted.

#9 – Someone near you farted and you caught second hand fart stink.

#8 – You burped.  Burps are the farts of the mouth.  Meanwhile, farts are the burps of the butt.

#7 – You forgot to shower for 50 days.

#6 – You just got back from a visit to a cow farm.

#5 – You ate onions.

#4 – You had to cut open a large animal and hide inside its carcass for warmth during a blizzard.

#3 – You smeared old, rancid mayo on yourself then sat outside to bake in the hot sun all day.  Don’t ask me why you did this.  You’re the one who did it, idiot.

#2 – You tripped and fell head first into the cat’s litter box.  While you were down there, the cat didn’t notice you and pooped on your head, then scratched your face in a vain effort to bury the offending poop.  The entire time, you were too polite to not move and/or notify the cat of his/her mistake.

#1 – A stink bomb went off in your pants.

As far as I know, these are the only reasons I can think of as to why you might smell bad.  If you think of more, leave them in the comments.

Tagged ,

Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Be Dating the Phantom of the Opera

BQB HERE: I haven’t done a top ten list in ages, so enjoy.  Click on the “Top Ten Category” Link and see more if you wish.

lon-chaney-396748_1280

Congratulations!  You just scored your dream job, that of the hot new soprano in a Paris opera house.  Pretty soon, you’ll be raking in the cash and also getting all kinds of tasty croissants from your fans.  I assume that’s how the French reward their singers.  I don’t really know though.

The catch?  A disfigured madman has absconded with you and taken you to his secret underground lair.  But seriously, given how downright awful men have become, that could just be an average Tuesday night for most ladies.

Anyway, is your date the Phantom of the Opera?  Check my handy list to find out:

#10 – He is a Phantom inside of an Opera

This is usually a dead giveaway.  After all, it’s not like opera houses employ multiple phantoms, so if you’re at the opera and you have met a damn phantom, then run, ma’am, because that son of a bitch is the one and only Phantom of the Opera.

Or stay if you are into that sort of thing.  Personally, I think you can do better.  But hey, even though he’s ugly he might be packing a tree trunk under that cape, so what do I know?  Relationships are all about decisions and compromise, I suppose.

#9 – Is He Inside Your Mind?

Check out Andrew Lloyd Weber’s infamous lyrics.  If he’s in your mind, he might be the Phantom of the Opera.  Then again, he could just be playing head games.  A lot of men do that, you know.  Damn men.  I can’t stand them.  That’s why I only date women.  Also, because I like boobs, but that’s an entirely different column.

#8 – Has He Kidnapped You and Taken You to His Sewer Lair?

If you’re not award winning TV reporter April O’Neil and he isn’t green, then he’s probably the frigging Phantom of the Opera.

#7 – Have Those Who Have Seen His Face Drawn Back in Fear?

Again, check the lyrics.  Although, this isn’t conclusive because people who see my face draw back in fear and I’m not the Phantom of the Opera.

#6 – Does He Wear Half of a Porcelain Mask?

Could be, but also could just be a flamboyant drama student.

#5 – Did You Meet Him on Tinder?

Then it’s not him.  Don’t confuse him with his cousin, The Phantom of the Tinder.

#4 – Does He Wear a Cape?

Sadly…and this is a harsh indictment of today’s men, but yeah…that isn’t conclusive either.

#3 – Does He Call You His Angel of Music?

That’s really sweet.  You know, so what if his face is messed up and lives in a sewer?  He calls you nice names so you could just give it a chance and oh, what, all the kidnapping and murders.  Even so, do you think anyone better is coming along?  Look, I’m not telling you to settle but just make sure you don’t wait so long that you end up alone.  After 40, when you’re hugging a cat and downing a pint of ice cream on your couch all alone, you’ll pine for that kidnapping murderer with the messed up face.

Bonus points if you don’t. #selfrespect

#2 – Does He Sing to You in Your Sleep?

Could be him.  Could be your creepy ass next door neighbor.

#1 – If You Have to Ask, He Probably Is

I mean, come on.  Whether or not your boyfriend is the Phantom of the Opera is just something you know, right?

Witch Pickup Lines

It’s that time of year.  You’re attending a Halloween party and you see a fly ass green hunny who you just gots to knock big belt buckled boots with.

Let BQB show you how it’s done with his Top Ten Witch Pickup Lines.

shutterstock_113114743

Tagged , , , , ,

Shh! Your man is a mime!

He’ll pay attention to you as soon as he leaves his invisible box.

Until then, check out this BQB top ten list.

 

Tagged , , ,

You’re Dating a Hipster!

Ladies, were you dating hipsters before it was cool?

Have you dated hipsters before but you doubt we would have heard of them?

Consult this handy BQB Top Ten List to find out if you have dated a hipster.

Tagged , ,

How to Pick Up a Witch

You’ll get those witches, my pretty, and then you can tell all your dawgs too!

For some reason, my post about witch pick up lines is popular.  Apparently, there are lots of dudes out there trying to find a witch.  So ladies, if you dabble in the occult, know that there are eligible bachelors out there looking for you to cast a spell on them.

Here’s my list of top ten witch pickup lines.

Tagged , , , ,

Is Your Girlfriend a Steampunk?

Does she wear a top hat?  Does she speak in a cockney accent?  Does she use modern tech that looks like it was built during Victorian times?

Sounds like she is, but this top ten list can help you know for sure.

Tagged , , , ,

Has Your Butt Been Probed By Aliens?

Your butt.  You must protect it from danger at all times.

Has your butt been probed by aliens from another world?

Only this BQB Top Ten List can help you know for sure.

Tagged , , , ,

Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Not Eat Tide Pods

3.5 readers, there was once a time when you had to lug a fat ass jug of liquid washing machine soap from the store to your home and then dump a quantity of that jug into your machine whenever you wanted to wash your clothes…LIKE A GODDAMN CAVEMAN!

But then, thanks to SCIENCE, Tide pods were invented.  They’re little plastic doo-dads filled with just enough soap for a load of laundry.  While you were expected to measure out the soap you were pouring, literally no one, and I mean NO ONE ever did that, so you’d either dump too little soap or a shit ton of soap but these pods let you throw in just enough.

But now, their are big dumb dummies who are eating them  Stop eating Tide pods, dummies.

From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Eat Tide Pods:

#1 – They are poisonous.

#2-10 – They are poisonous.

BONUS REASON TO NOT EAT TIDE PODS:  YOU WILL DIE!

Don’t eat Tide pods, 3.5 readers.

Tagged , ,

Top Ten Ways to Murder Lobsters to Death in the Wake of Switzerland’s Lobster Boiling Ban

lobster-1726627__480

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

Apparently, every problem in Switzerland has been solved because lawmakers there have banned the practice of boiling lobsters while they are still alive.  I have no idea why this was a big concern.

I can only assume some Swiss scientist somewhere was really concerned that the lobsters go through a very traumatic experience while they are being boiled.  Their whole entire little lobster lives flash before their beady little eyes – their lobster childhoods spent playing stickball, their first date to the lobster prom, their lobster marriages, the birth of their lobster children, even their lobster divorces.

Some say if you listen closely, you can even hear them shout out all of their regrets.  Why, I once boiled a lobster and he was such a big guy that he was left with an entire hour to regale me with a story about “the one who got away.”  He was a foreign lobster exchange student.  She was a French lobster coquette.  Their lobster parents despised one another and oh, how he wished he’d stood up to his domineering lobster father just once and embraced his one and only chance at true love.

Poor guy.  He was so bitter I had to dip him in extra butter.  :::rimshot:::

Anyway, long story short, if you are Swiss (and my condolences if you are) you now must murder your lobster before you boil it, so without further ado, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Ways to Murder A Lobster to Death in the Wake of Switzerland’s Ban on Boiling Lobsters.

#10 – Firing Squad

Blindfold the lobster, line him up against the wall, pop a cigarette in his mouth and hand out rifles to all kitchen staff.  Only one rifle has a live round so staff can comfort themselves with the possibility that they did not fire the lethal shot.

#9 – Hanging

Construct a tiny gallows on every table in every seafood restaurant.  What a fun family activity this will be.  Mom can tie a little noose around the little guy’s neck.  Dad can read the lobster his last rites.  Junior can pull the lever and the entire family can watch as the little crustacean twists and wiggles and sputters until his last breath.

I’m sure there’s room for scientific debate here.  Is it possible to even hang a lobster with all that armor?

#8 – Lobster War

Bribe greedy politicians to declare war on the lobster population of a foreign country.  Draft domestic lobsters to go overseas to fight and die in a pointless, unpopular war.  Enjoy the tasty lobster flesh as the lobster military industrial complex is promulgated into perpetuity.

#7 – Lobster Drive-By

Find some aspiring, up and coming street gangsters who want to increase their street cred.  Put the lobster tank in the window and when you hear the words, “Break yo-self, lobster!” it’s time to eat.

#6 – Lobster Electric Chair

I feel like that’s just as problematic as boiling the lobsters.  Either way, they’re being cooked alive.

#5 – Lobster Guillotine 

Dress the lobsters up as 19th Century French royalty.  Give them powdered wigs and crowns, paint their faces white and give them elaborate, frilly clothing.  Place their heads on the chopping block and voila!  Viva la revolucion!

Will this work if the lobsters aren’t dressed as French royalty?  Yes.  Will it be as fun?  I mean, if you were having fun doing this anyway, you were a sick person to begin with.  Seriously, shame on you for even reading this far.

#4 – Lobster Hitmen

Hire two highly trained assassins to whack the lobsters when they least suspect it.  These can be human or lobster assassins.  Bonus points if you hire lobsters to hit the other lobsters and dress the hit lobsters as Vincent and Jules from “Pulp Fiction.”

Double bonus points if you train one of the lobsters to give the “Path of the Righteous Lobster” speech.

Ahem.  The path of the righteous lobster is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyrannies of evil lobsters…

#3 – Lobster Lethal Injection

You could poison the lobster but then, who would want to eat a poisoned lobster?   I mean, then again, people who eat lobsters are willingly licking their lips at a plate containing the dead carcass of what appears to be a giant mutant space cockroach so, those people will probably eat anything.

At any rate, my lawyer tells me this is a bad idea so no one should do it.  Actually, no one should do or read anything on this blog ever at any time ever at all.

#2 – Lobster Explosion

Give the lobster an explosive device with twenty seconds on the counter and a pair of wire cutters.  Red?  Green?  Will the lobster pick the right one?  And why give him wire cutters when he has pinchers?  Heck, if the lobster saves the day, give him a reprieve.

#1 – Lobster Suicide

Ridicule the lobster.  Get him fired from his lobster job.  Show him pictures of his lobster wife having hot, steamy lobster sex with his lobster best friend.  Tell him his lobster kids are calling his lobster friend daddy now.

Ruin his lobster finances.  Drive him into lobster bankruptcy.  Leave him with no hope and then leave him on the edge of the counter.  Walk away and I mean…if the little guy leaps to his doom, well, that’s a tragedy but is it made any better by letting all that delicious lobster meat go to waste?

Then again, you’d be eating something that fell on the floor, so, eww…

 

 

 

Tagged , , , ,