It’s that time of year. You’re attending a Halloween party and you see a fly ass green hunny who you just gots to knock big belt buckled boots with.
Let BQB show you how it’s done with his Top Ten Witch Pickup Lines.
Ladies, were you dating hipsters before it was cool?
Have you dated hipsters before but you doubt we would have heard of them?
You’ll get those witches, my pretty, and then you can tell all your dawgs too!
For some reason, my post about witch pick up lines is popular. Apparently, there are lots of dudes out there trying to find a witch. So ladies, if you dabble in the occult, know that there are eligible bachelors out there looking for you to cast a spell on them.
Your butt. You must protect it from danger at all times.
Has your butt been probed by aliens from another world?
3.5 readers, there was once a time when you had to lug a fat ass jug of liquid washing machine soap from the store to your home and then dump a quantity of that jug into your machine whenever you wanted to wash your clothes…LIKE A GODDAMN CAVEMAN!
But then, thanks to SCIENCE, Tide pods were invented. They’re little plastic doo-dads filled with just enough soap for a load of laundry. While you were expected to measure out the soap you were pouring, literally no one, and I mean NO ONE ever did that, so you’d either dump too little soap or a shit ton of soap but these pods let you throw in just enough.
But now, their are big dumb dummies who are eating them Stop eating Tide pods, dummies.
From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Eat Tide Pods:
#1 – They are poisonous.
#2-10 – They are poisonous.
BONUS REASON TO NOT EAT TIDE PODS: YOU WILL DIE!
Don’t eat Tide pods, 3.5 readers.
Hey 3.5 readers.
Your old pal BQB here.
Apparently, every problem in Switzerland has been solved because lawmakers there have banned the practice of boiling lobsters while they are still alive. I have no idea why this was a big concern.
I can only assume some Swiss scientist somewhere was really concerned that the lobsters go through a very traumatic experience while they are being boiled. Their whole entire little lobster lives flash before their beady little eyes – their lobster childhoods spent playing stickball, their first date to the lobster prom, their lobster marriages, the birth of their lobster children, even their lobster divorces.
Some say if you listen closely, you can even hear them shout out all of their regrets. Why, I once boiled a lobster and he was such a big guy that he was left with an entire hour to regale me with a story about “the one who got away.” He was a foreign lobster exchange student. She was a French lobster coquette. Their lobster parents despised one another and oh, how he wished he’d stood up to his domineering lobster father just once and embraced his one and only chance at true love.
Poor guy. He was so bitter I had to dip him in extra butter. :::rimshot:::
Anyway, long story short, if you are Swiss (and my condolences if you are) you now must murder your lobster before you boil it, so without further ado, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Ways to Murder A Lobster to Death in the Wake of Switzerland’s Ban on Boiling Lobsters.
#10 – Firing Squad
Blindfold the lobster, line him up against the wall, pop a cigarette in his mouth and hand out rifles to all kitchen staff. Only one rifle has a live round so staff can comfort themselves with the possibility that they did not fire the lethal shot.
#9 – Hanging
Construct a tiny gallows on every table in every seafood restaurant. What a fun family activity this will be. Mom can tie a little noose around the little guy’s neck. Dad can read the lobster his last rites. Junior can pull the lever and the entire family can watch as the little crustacean twists and wiggles and sputters until his last breath.
I’m sure there’s room for scientific debate here. Is it possible to even hang a lobster with all that armor?
#8 – Lobster War
Bribe greedy politicians to declare war on the lobster population of a foreign country. Draft domestic lobsters to go overseas to fight and die in a pointless, unpopular war. Enjoy the tasty lobster flesh as the lobster military industrial complex is promulgated into perpetuity.
#7 – Lobster Drive-By
Find some aspiring, up and coming street gangsters who want to increase their street cred. Put the lobster tank in the window and when you hear the words, “Break yo-self, lobster!” it’s time to eat.
#6 – Lobster Electric Chair
I feel like that’s just as problematic as boiling the lobsters. Either way, they’re being cooked alive.
#5 – Lobster Guillotine
Dress the lobsters up as 19th Century French royalty. Give them powdered wigs and crowns, paint their faces white and give them elaborate, frilly clothing. Place their heads on the chopping block and voila! Viva la revolucion!
Will this work if the lobsters aren’t dressed as French royalty? Yes. Will it be as fun? I mean, if you were having fun doing this anyway, you were a sick person to begin with. Seriously, shame on you for even reading this far.
#4 – Lobster Hitmen
Hire two highly trained assassins to whack the lobsters when they least suspect it. These can be human or lobster assassins. Bonus points if you hire lobsters to hit the other lobsters and dress the hit lobsters as Vincent and Jules from “Pulp Fiction.”
Double bonus points if you train one of the lobsters to give the “Path of the Righteous Lobster” speech.
Ahem. The path of the righteous lobster is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyrannies of evil lobsters…
#3 – Lobster Lethal Injection
You could poison the lobster but then, who would want to eat a poisoned lobster? I mean, then again, people who eat lobsters are willingly licking their lips at a plate containing the dead carcass of what appears to be a giant mutant space cockroach so, those people will probably eat anything.
At any rate, my lawyer tells me this is a bad idea so no one should do it. Actually, no one should do or read anything on this blog ever at any time ever at all.
#2 – Lobster Explosion
Give the lobster an explosive device with twenty seconds on the counter and a pair of wire cutters. Red? Green? Will the lobster pick the right one? And why give him wire cutters when he has pinchers? Heck, if the lobster saves the day, give him a reprieve.
#1 – Lobster Suicide
Ridicule the lobster. Get him fired from his lobster job. Show him pictures of his lobster wife having hot, steamy lobster sex with his lobster best friend. Tell him his lobster kids are calling his lobster friend daddy now.
Ruin his lobster finances. Drive him into lobster bankruptcy. Leave him with no hope and then leave him on the edge of the counter. Walk away and I mean…if the little guy leaps to his doom, well, that’s a tragedy but is it made any better by letting all that delicious lobster meat go to waste?
Then again, you’d be eating something that fell on the floor, so, eww…
Ahh, alleged perverts! They are so allegedly perverted in their alleged perversions. And for legal reasons, we have to always say they are “alleged” perverts because we weren’t there at the time of the alleged perversions but I mean, yeah, it does kinda sound like they were perving it up…allegedly.
Alleged perverts seem to be in great supply these days. Every day there’s a new allegation of perversion against a famous celebrity you thought you knew and trusted and invited into your home via your TV screen for so many years.
Ladies, I don’t want to alarm you, but I think it’s pretty safe to assume that literally everyone, and I mean everyone, every man around you is an alleged pervert, thinking about engaging in unscrupulous behaviors with your lady business at all times. I mean “every man” might be a bit too strong, but apparently its more than we thought, at least where celebrities are concerned.
So without further ado, ladies, pack your pepper spray and pop those keys out between your knuckles because from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Alleged Pervert Moves for Ladies to Watch Out For:
#10 – The Alleged Al Franken Photographed Booby Grab
Our legal system is bizarre that even when there’s photographic evidence of the alleged perversion, we still must call the alleged pervert an alleged pervert, but hey, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
HOW TO COMBAT: To determine if a man is an unwanted booby grabber, pretend you are sleeping. When the alleged pervert comes in, trying to grab your boobies with a buddy to snap a photo, wake up instantly and taze the alleged booby grabber in the nuts, while shouting, “You’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough and doggone it, people don’t like you!”
#9 – He’s Allegedly Asked to Masturbate in Front of You
I mean, if you’re in a committed relationship and he likes to crank one out in front of you and you don’t mind, fine. Personally, I think y’all should be taking turns grabbing each others’ parts, otherwise, what’s the point of the relationship if everyone’s grabbing themselves?
But other than in a committed relationship, dudes shouldn’t be asked to slap around the old salami in your presence.
HOW TO COMBAT: Ladies, we here at BQB HQ call this move the “Louis CK” maneuver so watch out for it. If a dude asks to jerkoff, just tell him he’s an actual jerkoff then run away, preferably with your arms flailing about wildly as you shout, “Alleged pervert!” so that all ladies in the vicinity know to stay away from the alleged pervert.
#8 – “The Kaiser Soze”
People, the good news is its no longer a stigma to admit you are gay. The bad news for alleged perverts is no one is going to give you a medal when you try to distract folks from the allegation by being all like, “I’m coming out as gay.” Good for you, you’re gay, but that doesn’t give you a free pass to try to force yourself on anyone, adult or underage….allegedly of course.
We call this move “The Kaiser Soze” because like the infamous Soze, a human chameleon who was able to blend in and change his identity, once played by alleged pervert Kevin Spacey, the alleged pervert tries to take the allegation and twist the response to seek accolades for admitting to being gay, whenever gay people are all like, “Dude don’t try to use being gay as an excuse for allegedly jumping on a kid because gay dudes have been trying to defeat the stereotype that gayness = pedophilia for years.”
HOW TO COMBAT: Yes, ladies aren’t the only ones who have to look out for alleged perverts. Young male thespians, if an older male thespian attempts to ravage you, simply kick him in the leg until he limps like Verbal, then alert the public so this once great thespian from any and all future gigs…including “House of Cards.” I mean, I was a fan of that show and the show will have a shitty ending now but so be it, we cannot support alleged perverts by awarding them undeserved roles.
#7 – Used the Phrase, “I Asked Their Mothers for Permission” (Allegedly)
No! No, alleged pervert and senatorial candidate from Alabama Roy Moore! Quote unquote “asking mothers for permission” does not excuse perversion allegations! Bad alleged pervert! You’re a very bad alleged pervert!
HOW TO COMBAT: Moms, if an adult male politician asks permission to date your underage daughter, please perform multiple roundhouse kicks to his nuts. Don’t just say yes, even if it is 1970s era Alabama. That’s not cool. Call the police too.
#6 – Allegedly Slipping the Mickey to Allegedly Slip in the Pudding Pop
I’ll never look at pudding pops again thanks to alleged pervert Bill Cosby. By the way, does anyone know if pudding pops still exist? If anyone is going to the grocery store today, stop by the freezer aisle and let me know if you see any because I remember those things and they were effing delicious and frankly, I don’t see why a tasty frozen treat has to suffer just because its 1980s era spokesman underwent perversion allegations.
HOW TO COMBAT: Guard your drinks, ladies. Always guard your drinks. You know, someone should invent a little locking drink cover with a pass code or something that goes over drink cups to avoid slipped mickeys. Then again, the engineering logistics to find one cover that fits all…maybe the bars could provide them based on the drink cups they use.
There you go bars. Invent this and you can be all like, “Our drinks are rape drug proof!”
I don’t know. Sorry ladies. I guess until they invent that shit you’re going to have to bring your drinks into the bathroom while you pee. As long as you don’t pee in the drink by accident it should be ok.
#5 – The Alleged Casting Couch
Is your boyfriend allegedly demanding women touch and or do other unsavory activities with his John Thomas in exchange for movie roles? This move is “The Alleged Harvey Weinstein.”
Admit it. We always sort of knew that “the casting couch” scenario was a real thing in Hollywood. No one goes anywhere in Tinsel Town without catching a few unwanted dongs I guess. As POTUS 45 would say, “It’s sad. It’s really sad.”
HOW TO COMBAT: Tape record all casting couch sessions. When the alleged pervert demands his wiener be touched for a part, just play the tape and let him know which parts you want for the next 30 years.
#4 – The Alleged Pussy Grab
Speaking of POTUS 45, our esteemed Commander in Chief was caught on tape talking about grabbing women by the pussy and then a bunch of women came out to say they had been grabbed. POTUS 45 denies it, his allegers allege he’s a pervert. I don’t know, ladies, all I can say is that if your boyfriend is talking about grabbing pussies he could very well be an alleged pervert.
HOW TO COMBAT: If your pussy is grabbed by a business tycoon with a bad rug, rip off the rug and wave it around in the air.
#3 – The Alleged Mr. Sulu
Audio has surfaced of George Takei on the Howard Stern show, talking about grabbing, how shall we put this, the wieners of reluctant dudes. Look, dudes either want their wieners grabbed or they don’t. George claims that this was all in good fun and he was kidding around on a comedy show but…I don’t know…I’d still advise dudes to watch their wieners around Mr. Sulu just to be safe.
HOW TO COMBAT: Always guard your wiener. Men, wear a jock strap and a cup when meeting any celebrity.
#2 – The Steven Seagal Leather Pants Fly Unzip
Ladies, we here at BQB HQ would never blame the woman for being sexually harassed. Men should always be held responsible for their inappropriate behavior. That being said, a word of advice, if you ever see a man wearing leather pants, do run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. No good has ever come out (pun intended) of a pair of cowhide trousers.
HOW TO COMBAT: If you’re invited to a meeting and a pair of pants is unzipped, you’ll have to go with your fight or flight response. You can flee and run out the door, or fight and use some Steven Seagal karate chops on the unzipped area.
#1 – The Lewinsky
Ahh, the alleged (is he really still alleged?) pervert that started it all, the esteemed President William Jefferson Clinton. Damn, did that guy like pussy, so much so that he became the second POTUS in US history to go through impeachment proceedings over it.
Imagine what went through Bill’s mind. “Well…I’m only one of 40 some odd people out of millions and millions to be chosen to lead America and my name will go down in history forever but, you know, I might fuck this all up by turning an intern into a humidor. Oh yeah, baby, don’t stop thinkin’ bout tomorrow. No, don’t worry Hillary, this won’t fuck up your shit in 20 years.”
HOW TO COMBAT: Um…apparently the only way is to wait 20 years and then the media is all like, “Oh OK, maybe it was kind of a big deal that the POTUS was an alleged pervert.”
DISCLAIMER: This post is just for fun. I am not categorically stating any of these people are actual perverts. I wasn’t there. I’m just repeating what I hear on the news. Further, no one should take the parts where I say “How to Combat” as actual advice. I’m no legal expert but yeah, it’s always best to extricate yourself from any uncomfortable situation without resorting to violence if possible. Consult an actual lawyer though if you want to know how to best respond to alleged pervert assaults, because I’m just joking around here and nothing I say should be taken seriously.
Ahh, Ebenezer Scrooge, that rich old prick that everyone loves to kick around come Christmas time. Worked his ass off to earn all those duckets, but everyone acts like the old man’s fortune was just somehow magically given to him. Oh well, screw it. Haters gonna hate. Am I right?
Your boyfriend. He’s super cheap. He’s never picked up a tab, and he’s always swiping all the coins from your car’s change tray. But, is this dude really Ebenezer Scrooge? Better check out my handy top ten list to be sure.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be Ebenezer Scrooge:
#10 – He’s extremely cheap.
Clips coupons. Takes a penny from that little dish by the cash register but never leaves one even when he has many pennies to spare. Re-uses toilet paper seventeen times before he throws it away and demands you do the same, limiting you to one and only one square. Opened his wallet once. Moths flew out. Yup, that’s right. It’d been so long since he had opened his wallet that two moths were able to crawl into it, fuck in some bizarre, freaky moth sex, have babies and raise a family, all inside the wallet. Alas, the rare opening of said wallet led to their eviction. Where will the moths go now?
#9 – Never lets you turn up the heat.
Girl, you have any idea how much oil costs? You better get your damn hand off that thermostat and grab a sweater. If Cratchitt wasn’t allowed an extra lump of coal for his fire, then you can just forget about turning up that knob.
#8 – He is a 19th Century, Elderly British Man
This really should have been a dead giveaway. Seriously, girlfriend, I don’t want to start rumors, but everyone, and I mean EVERYONE was all like, “How that girl not see his old ass face and his big ass top hat? Is she on drugs?”
#7 – Sees Ghosts When He Sleeps
If he sees them on Christmas Eve, he’s Scrooge. If he sees them all year long, he’s tripping balls on acid, so get him to a doctor posthaste. If he sees ghost on Christmas Eve and he’s not a 19th Century Elderly British man as discussed in #8, then he’s tripping balls on Christmas Eve and needs a doctor.
#6 – Says “Bah Humbug!” to Everything Except…
…pussy. Yeah, I don’t care how grumpy Scrooge is, no man is ever gonna say, “Humbug!” to pussy. Scrooge was a notorious pussy hound. He really didn’t get enough credit for it.
#5 – Hates His Nephew
That could be a sign that he’s Scrooge but then again, I don’t care who you are, everyone has at least one asshole nephew…you know, that white kid that comes to every family gathering, you’re not really sure how he’s related to you and if you ask, your older relatives spend three hours explaining it, and he kind of has a rat face and a dirt beard and, oh Lord, he’s wearing dreadlocks. He’s a white kid with dread locks! But, OK, he’s family so don’t say anything…
#4 – Shitty to His Employees
Is your man a boss? Has he ever complained about his underlings when they take off Christmas? Yup. He’s Scrooge.
#3 – Rocks a Nightshirt and Sleeping Cap
No one else can pull off that look.
#2 – Buys the Fattest Goose
Probably gonna give it to that girl that the street though, the one who is way hotter than you. Sorry. You don’t need him, girl, you can do better.
#1 – Saves Tiny Tim…Eventually
Is your man the type of person who could be aware that his trusty assistant’s son will soon die a horrendous, agonizingly painful death without swift and urgent medical care…and still need three ghosts to talk him into opening up his wallet? Yup, your man is Scrooge.