Tag Archives: blogging

How A Post About Witches Increased Traffic to This Fine Blog

Nuclear missiles can be launched with less effort than it took me to add this picture to this post. I am really not a fan of WordPress’ new blogging functions. I was only starting to get the hang of the last version after 7 years.

A few years ago, I was younger (spoiler alert, a few years ago we were all younger by a few years) and I had more energy to write creatively on this fine blog. Among my contributions were a series of the top ten reasons why your boyfriend or girlfriend was…a vampire…a doomsday prepper…a ninja…an assassin…a wannabe rapper…and so on.

Now I’m a few years older and I have less energy. Also, quite frankly, I have less time on earth now and my mind no longer placates itself into thinking that I’m gonna turn it all around by becoming a famous write. I’m stuck in the bed I made for myself and let that be a lesson to you, 3.5 readers. Once you make your bed, you got to lie in it…forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. Ergo, I am now a grumpy old bastard with less time and/or interest in bringing myself to think of creative things to write on this fine blog.

But a few years ago I wrote a post about the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Witch. Over the years, I saw interest in this post grow, including search terms like, “Is my girlfriend a witch?” (Son, I hate to break it to you, but if you have to google it, you already know the answer.)

I am curious if such googlers are worried their girlfriends are witches of the occult variety (i.e. some dude who saw a female silhouette strafing across the night sky atop a broomstick and he couldn’t help but notice that while this was happening his girlfriend and broomstick were nowhere to be found) or of the regular variety (i.e. she never lets him watch the game or chill with his homeboys and if he burps sideways she writes eighty-seven posts about it.)

Anyway, there is usually an uptick of interest in this post around Halloween. Hard to say, but 30 visitors a day to this exceptional blog is average. Around Halloween this year I received close to 200 visitors thanks in large part to this post. To the close to 200 dudes trying to find out if their girlfriends are witches, I think you ought to stop wondering and just go out and find yourselves girlfriends who you are SURE are not witches…unless you are ugly and/or poor and/or unsuccessful in which case you should probably stick with these witches because on a statistical level, no one else wants you so you need to put up with your girlfriend’s cauldron full of eye of newt and/or charging designer furry boots on your credit card without your permission, whichever witch case she may be.

Or don’t. Because hey, it’s better to be single than to be with a witch. Then again, I hear green women are freaky so maybe she’s worth it. You know what? Don’t come to me for advice about women, be they witches or non-witches. If I knew anything about women, I wouldn’t be writing on a blog that is read by only 3.5 readers.

Anyway, I hope this increase in visitors continues. Though Halloween is behind us, the daily visitors seem consistent at around 70, so there are still a lot of dudes who want to know if they are dating witches.

To those dudes I say:

  1. Probably.
  2. But are you a prize yourself?
  3. Maybe you should just go with it. Not all witches are bad.
  4. I’m sorry she turned you into a toad.

Do you want to know if your girlfriend is a witch? Read the epic post here.

https://bookshelfbattle.com/2016/04/02/top-ten-warning-signs-your-girlfriend-might-be-a-witch/

FYI: I would have embedded the above post into the words “Read the epic post here” but WordPress changes its blogging functions around more than Lady Gaga changes her outfits and I don’t have the strength to figure out how to embed links into words at the moment.

DOUBLE FYI: I just googled “Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Witch” and I’m proud to say that this post was ranked not only at the top of the page, but a similar post from The Washington Post came in second. A few years ago, that would have really stroked my ego, but today as I mentioned I am quite old and lethargic so I’m not that impressed…although I would note that when it comes to the topic of determining whether one’s girlfriend is a witch, this blog beats the paper that took down Nixon even while it has all the resources that Jeff Bezos can bring to bear, including the whopping 17.8 cents that Jeff has added to his fortune thanks to my self-published books.

TRIPLE FYI: Lesbians, I didn’t forget you. You may also be dating witches. You might also want to check out this post or you might want to ignore it because again, I’m not the one that straight dudes should be going to advice for about women so I doubt my advice will help you out either.

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The No One Reads My Blog Song

No one reads my blog!

Oh, no one reads my blog uh uh og.

No one reads my blog!

Oh no one reads my blog uh uh og.

Why won’t anyone read my blog?

Why does anyone do anything?

Why won’t anyone read my blog?

If you have to ask then you know why!

Oh my blog is read by only 3.5 people,

and that is a very generous estimate.

Really when I blog I am shouting into the vast vacuum of outer space.

My blog is so poorly read that the mob could have hidden Jimmy Hoffa on my site and no one would know!

Oh my blog! No one reads it!

But maybe they will some day.

Not everyone is lucky enough to have 3.5 readers.

So at least I have that anyway.

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No One Reads My Blog

No one reads my blog!

Oh, no one reads my blog!

I just stopped by to say that no one reads my blog!

If no one reads a blog,

Does the blog still even exist?

No, it probably doesn’t.

But what does that matter?

For no one reads this blog anyway.

Hey!  Look!  It’s a frog!

He jumps on a log.

He does everything,

But read this fine blog!

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Be Well, 3.5 Readers

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

I don’t blog as much as I used to.  I’m getting older, have less energy, and ultimately, I feel like the little time I do get needs to be spent on writing books.  I feel like if this little enterprise has any chance of making any money, it will be with books.

But anyway, just want to wish all 3.5 of you well.  I have to admit, when this all started, I thought a lot of the panic seemed to be BS.  Sometimes I still wonder that, though at the same time, I realize that it would be better if the worst that happens is if we go without movies, restaurants and other pursuits for a while than end up with humanity being wiped out.  It’s all about perspective I suppose.

It’s funny though.  I never used hand sanitizer before (I always thought it was just gross and lazy and if you feel your hands need to be washed then you should just wash them) but now that I can’t get any, I want it.

Take care, 3.5 readers.  I hope all the things you are working on go well and in the mean time, I will keep working on my universe of stories where animals eat people on the toilet.

 

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6 Years of this Excellent Blog

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal, BQB here.

I began this fine blog 6 years ago, deciding to try my hand at the blogging game.

I did it on a whim and had I put some thought into it, I would have done a lot of things differently.

My initial idea was that I would just create a little web presence.  I’d blog once in a blue moon and I was going to focus on book reviews.  In the mean time, I’d concentrate on writing books of my own.

As time went on, I found followers and things got silly.  I developed the persona of Bookshelf Q. Battler, a nerd in secret, was an adventurer who fought zombies, werewolves, chupacabras, aliens, traveled the world, time traveled, went to space and so on.

In the past couple years, I got old.  Relaxing and watching TV at the end of the day became more appealing than blogging for the entertainment of 3.5 readers.  (No offense, 3.5 readers.)

On top of that, I decided the little time and I energy I do get would be better spent focusing on novel drafts.  I always have something in the works and hold out hope that I’ll be a successful novelist one day, though the older I get, the more I realize this is something I can’t bank on.

I’m not crazy about the pen name “Bookshelf Q. Battler.”  It doesn’t really sound like a name and if I could do it again, I might have picked something that sounds like an actual name.  The actual name could have been given a fun backstory of being a reclusive adventurer or something.

Anyway, here’s to another 6 years and hopefully by then, you 3.5 readers will multiply and there will be 7 of you.

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Five Year Anniversary of this Fine Blog

(This video is the best thing I ever got a woman to do for five bucks.)

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

Five years ago, this blog was conceived when I was crying myself into a cheesy burrito at Taco Bell, upset that I had not yet achieved my dream of becoming a professional writer.

I then realized that blogging technology exists, everyone was doing it, that I was someone and ergo, I should also add my voice into the vapid Internet vacuum.

And so, on that fateful day, this terrible blog was born.  Ironically, it wasn’t the worst thing that happened that day.  Years later, I would come to realize that when I ate a burrito, I was engaging in highly unwoke cultural appropriation, for I am not a Mexican and therefore have no right to consume Mexican food.

To condense this tomfoolery, I have never forgiven myself for either atrocity – the blog as well as the unwoke food choice.

Worse, I continue to do both to this day, having not learned my lesson.  Come to think of it, I’m eating a burrito as I type this right now.  Mmm tasty for a minute, but then an hour devoted to cleaning cheese out of my keyboard later.  Oh well, nothing good in life ever came easy.

When I first started, this blog was supposed to just be a little hobby.  Something to give me an online presence.  In the meantime, I was going to work on books and try to query them and then be like, “Hey agent!  I have a blog!”

That never bore fruit.  Instead, I got hooked on the world of self-publishing.  It remains to be seen if that was a good thing to get into or not.

Part of me thinks it is a viable business opportunity if I just remain patient and realize that it is a long game where you have to get maybe 5 or 6 really good books out there before people take notice.

Another part of me thinks life would be so much better if I’d just throw my computer in a dumpster, toss in some gas and a lighted match, set it all ablaze, extinguish it, leave a note of apology to the dumpster company and then spend the time I use for writing on something like, oh, I don’t know, walking on a treadmill and making green smoothies.

I’d say that last option would make my doctor happier but honestly, I don’t think my doctor could pick me out of a lineup.

I’d quit this if I could and there’s a part of me that thinks maybe social media is ruining everything.  Sure, it gives a voice to the voice-less, but it also gives a voice to a lot of a-holes and I fear I may be one of them.

Here are some stats I’ve scored in my five years of bloggery.  You tell me if they made this futile exercise worth it:

(All numbers are what I’ve racked up since the blog began 5 years ago.)

POSTS – 3,537 (Mostly about farts)

VIEWS – 122,325 (Mostly Aunt Gertie)

VISITORS – 80,078 (Mostly people who came here for directions on how to get away from here.)

And there you have it.  My blogging all boiled down to the stats.  By the way, I also have 2,605 who have clicked the follow button on this blog but somehow, I only have 3.5 readers.  I know 3.5 is facetious but it isn’t that much of a stretch either.  On an average day, I’m lucky to crack maybe 20 or 30 visitors.  Getting over 100 in a day is reason to pop the champagne.

So, let me know what you think about my 5 years of blogging.  Oh, and if you’ve followed me from the beginning, for a couple years, or just started recently, thank you…and also, I hope whatever ailment you are suffering from that keeps you housebound and unable to do anything productive so all you do is just read dumb blogs like this one clears up soon.

Don’t forget to buy a book.

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3,500 Posts for 3.5 Readers

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

It’s official.  I have now written 3,500 posts for 3.5 readers.  This is not my 3,500th post.  My last post was that one.  This is the post to let you know that 3,500 posts have been posted.

Thank you, 3.5 readers.  It has been a joy to entertain all 3.5 of you.  Sometimes I wish you would each tell a friend so I could have 7 readers, but a good writer never looks any gift readers in the mouth.

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I Now Have 2,511 Followers

Thank you WordPress followers.

As I promised long ago, if I can get 3,500 WordPress followers in honor of my 3.5 readers, I will hire the chainsaw juggling guy from Fiver to do a promo video for this fine website.

I don’t understand how I can have 2,511 blog followers but only 3.5 readers.

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4 More Followers Until 2500

I almost have 2500 followers so I don’t understand how that only translates into 3.5 readers.  At any rate, given the amount of followers, not many are actually reading or giving any hits to this fine blog.

So, all you followers, I hope you will start translating into readers and clickers.  You don’t know what you are missing.  Just ask my 3.5 readers.

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I Have Received Over 100,000 Views

3.5 readers, stop the presses (do newspapers even use presses anymore?) because this fine blog has received over 100,000 views.

100,988 to be exact.

100,000 views were provided by my Aunt Gertie.

900 were provided by Internet web searchers who were looking for directions on how to get away from here.

88 were provided by my 3.5 readers.

Thank you, 3.5 readers.

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