Tag Archives: blogging

Bookshelf Battle Cast Episode 003 – How to Start a Blog

Bookshelf Q. Battler is changing up the format of his podcast, and that’s ok, because only 3.5 people listen to this podcast anyway.  BQB wants to share with the world what he has learned in four years of being the owner and proprietor of bookshelfbattle.com, a site that coincidentally, is only ever viewed by 3.5 readers.

Picking a blogging idea, snappy title, company to work with, search engine optimization, attracting followers, promotion on social media, legal stuff like worrying about copyright, libel, where to get photos and art for your site and more.

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This Blog is Meaningless So I Must Start a New One

3.5 readers, are you aware that in March, it will be the fourth anniversary of this exceptional blog?

That’s more years than I have readers.

Although you are all wonderful, I must admit that four years to gain such a paltry sum of readers wasn’t worth it.

I could continue this blog but lately, the issues of the day really weigh heavily on my mind and soul.  So much fighting.  So much disharmony and discord.  So many problems in the world, so much unrest.  So many people struggling, looking for hope and finding none.

I can no longer waste my time on writing fart jokes.  Fart jokes are crass and they help no one.  I must, instead, make a difference, so I have decided to start a new blog, one in which I will discuss the many important issues of the day.  Further, I will reach out to experts from a variety of backgrounds to get their take on how the world might improve.

I’d love it if you all follow me to this new blog and hopefully it will have more than 3.5 readers.  If you would check it out and give me your feedback, I’d appreciate it.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – I Have Lost the Will to Blog

It’s getting harder and harder to keep bringing the 7 eyes of 3.5 readers to this wonderful site.  Also, I’m no spring chicken.

I’m unsure of the future.  Perhaps I will turn over the keys of BQB HQ to my arch-nemesis, the International War Criminal/Incredibly Boring Snow Monster, “The Yeti.”

Perhaps I will dump a bottle of hot sauce on my head, then go swimming in a shark tank.

Maybe I will ask Fergie to serenade me.  No, scratch that.  Fergie is a national treasure.  Screw you all for making fun of that goddess.  She brought us so much joy with her humps, surely we can spot her one error in judgment.

I think I’ll just lie down in my backyard.  Watch the butterflies flap their wings and let caterpillars crawl all over me until the moss and grass just grow over me and consume me.

Perhaps none of that is necessary to not blog anymore.  Or maybe I’ll sub-contract the blog out to some hired help.  Maybe I’ll just watch movies and eat pizza and hire a team of sentient iguana typists to write this blog for me and I’ll pay them in flies.

Surely, they couldn’t do any worse.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Search Engine Optimized Poet – No One Reads This Blog

:::Bongo Drum Beats:::

Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.

Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the web searchers’ feets, ya dig?


This blog!

Whoa, this blog!

No one ever reads it at all!

BQB would probably get more readership,

if he posts his musings on the back of a bathroom stall.

Bawl.  Like a baby our blog host cries.

And whenever his blog stats are low, a little piece of him dies.

Sighs.  That’s the sound that he makes.

Every day when other little piece of his heart breaks.

Mistakes.  He’s made a few.

But if it’s one thing you don’t get in life, it’s a re-do.

Stew.  In his juices in his East Randomtown dive.

Wondering why no matter what he does, his readers only total 3.5.




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I’m Worried About My Sales

3.5 readers, BQB here.

I don’t mean to alarm you, but as we draw near to the end of the first day of my first book being available for purchase on Amazon, I’m growing increasingly concerned about my sales figures, which, as you can see by this handy chart, are non-existent:

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Fellow self-publishers, let’s have a rap session as they used to say in the 1970s.  What suggestions do you have for me, a first time self-publisher, to get my sales skyrocketing?

I mean, I know I’m supposed to manage my expectations, but I really thought I’d be in a Malibu beach house in a hot tub full of supermodels by now and yet I can barely afford a cold shower and a nudey magazine.

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People Want to Know My Secret!

People always ask me:

“Bookshelf Q. Battler – how did you become the best blogger of all time?  I too want to have 3.5 readers.”

Well, you’re in luck.  I wrote up a handy guide to blogging greatness and you can find it here.

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BQB’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts Coming Soon!

Bookshelf Q battlers for Amazon

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal, BQB here.

I don’t have an exact date yet but the finishing touches are being put on the epic book, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts.

Can you feel the excitement in the air?  I can.  And I think it’s actual excitement and not just bad gas.

I’m thinking early June.  I’m not in a rush but assuming all goes well, I don’t see why it would have to be later than June.

So…it’s going to happen.  Huzzah!

It’ll be out on Amazon and you know, 3.5 readers, I don’t ask you for much but I’d love it if you could buy a copy and help fund my lifelong dream of buying a mansion in Malibu and filling the giant attached pool with beautiful women with loose morals.

Wait!  Did I say I wanted to buy a mansion and fill a pool with women with loose morals?  That was clearly a typo.  Silly me.  I meant to say I want to achieve my lifelong dream of being a writer and spread my love of the written word with the masses.

OK.  It’s a little bit about filling a mansion pool with loose women.

Fine.  I’ll be honest.  It’s 5% spreading my love of the written word and 95% filling a Malibu mansion pool with women with loose morals.

At any rate, that pool isn’t going to be filled with women overnight.  The way I figure it, there’s 3.5 of you, so the way I figure it, if I charge $2.99 per book, and if all 3.5 of you buy one, then I have a cool $10.47 coming my way.

Huzzah!  Sunday night special at the Sizzler here I come!  Or maybe just an order of mozzarella sticks and a diet coke with free refills at Applebee’s.

Wait.  Jeff Bezos gets a cut to fund his army of delivery drones that will eventually be used to conquer the world?

Fine.  Cut out the cheese sticks.  It’s just a diet coke for me but hey, free refills!  Nice.  Gotta have dreams, 3.5.  Gotta dream big.  It’s important.

3.5 READERS: But BQB, we’re broke!  We can’t afford $2.99 for your fabulous book!  We just think you should entertain us forever for nothing!

I understand, 3.5.  The economy has sucked boku butt since 2008 and is only now just starting to show signs of coming back around.  But you’ve been forced to scrimp and save and pinch your pennies.  Maybe you lost your dough in the stock market.  Maybe you lost the job.  Maybe you lost your dream and now you’re cleaning bus station toilets.

I get it.  $2.99 doesn’t grow on trees, even if it is for an awesome book by one of the greatest and most humble writers of all time.

That’s fine.  Here’s some shit that you, my 3.5 readers, can do to help me, BQB, achieve my dream of spending 5% of my time spreading my love of the written word to the masses and 95% of my time in a Malibu pool filled with women of ill repute.

You know what?  Let’s make it a top five list:

#1 – Tweet a link to my book.  Or, share a link to my book on Facebook or your preferred time wasting social media site.

#2 – Write a blog post about my book.  Want to write a review?  I could spare a free copy.  I’ll just have to fill my pool with less morally challenged women.  Or better yet, it is a book full of writing prompts.  Take the challenge and write a little something based on one of my prompts and post it, making sure you tell everyone where you got this fabulous prompt.

#3 –  Tell a friend about my book.

#4 – I shouldn’t assume you have a friend.  Lord knows I don’t have any.  Make a friend, then tell that friend about my book.  It will be a good excuse for you to make a friend.

#5 – Pray for high book sales.  I hate to bother God because he’s got a back log of prayers, many of which are more important than my book sales, but you know, if you don’t get in the cue somewhere then you never get served.   Drop a prayer, mark it low priority and the man upstairs will get to it eventually.

In conclusion, 3.5 readers, I know you all have lives but you know, we all have to prioritize.  Are your jobs and livelihoods and family commitments and so forth more important than helping me promote my love of the written word but more importantly, helping me sell books so I can raise the funds necessary to fill a Malibu pool with morally bankrupt women?

I think not.

In seriousness, thank you for all you do, 3.5.  I’ll let you know when the book is up.

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For Those Just Tuning In…

In case you’re not up to speed on your Bookshelf Battle history, this blog is the best blog ever created about a magic bookshelf caretaker who spends his days toiling away at Beige Corporation, the world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories, and his nights at BQB HQ, fighting the forces of evil and writing books to appease the maniacal alien overlord known as the Mighty Potentate.

:::deep breath:::

If you can find a better blog about a magic bookshelf caretaker who spends his days toiling away at Beige Corporation, the world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories, and his nights at BQB HQ, fighting the forces of evil and writing books to appease the maniacal alien overlord known as the Mighty Potentate…then you’re welcome to check it out.

Or better yet, allow my spokeswoman to explain what this fine blog is all about:

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Does this blog suck?

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here, channeling my inner Vinny Baggadouchio and asking if my blog sucks.  Does it suck?

If it does suck, what are some ways in which I can make it not suck?

If it does not suck, why do you think it does not suck?

Personally, I feel it needs more organization because my posts get buried in the blogroll whereas there might be some gems from the past that people might like to check out.

Also, in retrospect, I’m not sure that “Bookshelf Q. Battler” was the catchiest of pen names to choose, but after investing three years into it, I’m not sure it is wise to start over from scratch with something else.

Also, this blog is supposed to be, in part, a chronicle of my BQB adventures yet I feel like I never have the time to tell you all about the amazing nerd adventures I have been on.  Would you read them if I did?  People don’t seem to read stories on blogs, I have been noticing.  So in that regard, perhaps this idea for a blog was dumb but again after three years, I feel like I just can’t cut bait and run.  Who knows if another blog idea would do any better?

Thoughts?  Thank you 3.5.  Also, why haven’t you 3.5 readers become 3,500.5 readers yet?  What are you waiting for?  What can I do to make this happen?

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Random Things to Blog About #101-125

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#101 – Key lime pie.  Do you always check to make sure the limes used to make it were from the actual Florida Keys before you eat it?

#102 – Favorite card game

#103 – Most embarrassing moment

#104 – Pugs – adorable or ugly?

#105 – Why isn’t ninja an occupation that you can go to college for?

#106 – Shakespeare: overrated or underrated?

#107 – Write a haiku

#108 – Favorite flower

#109 – When it rains, is it God crying or peeing?

#110 – Are the people on television just tiny people that were squeezed into your TV set?

#111 – Your creepiest deja vu experience

#112 – Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

#113 – Name one way you would change the world if you could.

#114 – Is money the most important thing in life or is it the root of all evil?

#115 – What’s your favorite smell?

#116 – What’s your least favorite smell?

#117 – If you were standing in a room where your most and least favorite smells were combined, would you be sad, happy, or conflicted?  (For example, someone puts a warm apple pie and a rotten fish in the same room with you.)

#118 – When was the last time you played with a frisbee?  Why don’t you play frisbee more?

#119 – What’s the most expired food item you have in your kitchen at this very moment?  Take a photo, post it, and write about it.  Once I found a bottle of vinegar from a food store that had been closed in my area for twenty years.  It was hard to tell whether or not it had gone bad because it was vinegar (it always smells bad) but I threw it out to be safe.  I’m not sure why I had vinegar in the first place.  Who the hell uses vinegar anyway?

#120 – If you formed a band, what would it be called?

#121 – Your best memory

#122 – Michael Jackson: Musical genius, incredibly odd weirdo, or both?

#123 – Favorite travel destination

#124 – Isn’t it weird that planes can fly?  I mean, yeah, there are scientists that can explain how planes fly but still, it is hard to wrap your head around it when you really think about it.

#125 – Ketchup – should it go on everything or just some things?  What are those things?  Perhaps you are one of those people who believe it should go on nothing?  What are you, a Communist?







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