(This video is the best thing I ever got a woman to do for five bucks.)
Hey 3.5 readers.
Five years ago, this blog was conceived when I was crying myself into a cheesy burrito at Taco Bell, upset that I had not yet achieved my dream of becoming a professional writer.
I then realized that blogging technology exists, everyone was doing it, that I was someone and ergo, I should also add my voice into the vapid Internet vacuum.
And so, on that fateful day, this terrible blog was born. Ironically, it wasn’t the worst thing that happened that day. Years later, I would come to realize that when I ate a burrito, I was engaging in highly unwoke cultural appropriation, for I am not a Mexican and therefore have no right to consume Mexican food.
To condense this tomfoolery, I have never forgiven myself for either atrocity – the blog as well as the unwoke food choice.
Worse, I continue to do both to this day, having not learned my lesson. Come to think of it, I’m eating a burrito as I type this right now. Mmm tasty for a minute, but then an hour devoted to cleaning cheese out of my keyboard later. Oh well, nothing good in life ever came easy.
When I first started, this blog was supposed to just be a little hobby. Something to give me an online presence. In the meantime, I was going to work on books and try to query them and then be like, “Hey agent! I have a blog!”
That never bore fruit. Instead, I got hooked on the world of self-publishing. It remains to be seen if that was a good thing to get into or not.
Part of me thinks it is a viable business opportunity if I just remain patient and realize that it is a long game where you have to get maybe 5 or 6 really good books out there before people take notice.
Another part of me thinks life would be so much better if I’d just throw my computer in a dumpster, toss in some gas and a lighted match, set it all ablaze, extinguish it, leave a note of apology to the dumpster company and then spend the time I use for writing on something like, oh, I don’t know, walking on a treadmill and making green smoothies.
I’d say that last option would make my doctor happier but honestly, I don’t think my doctor could pick me out of a lineup.
I’d quit this if I could and there’s a part of me that thinks maybe social media is ruining everything. Sure, it gives a voice to the voice-less, but it also gives a voice to a lot of a-holes and I fear I may be one of them.
Here are some stats I’ve scored in my five years of bloggery. You tell me if they made this futile exercise worth it:
(All numbers are what I’ve racked up since the blog began 5 years ago.)
POSTS – 3,537 (Mostly about farts)
VIEWS – 122,325 (Mostly Aunt Gertie)
VISITORS – 80,078 (Mostly people who came here for directions on how to get away from here.)
And there you have it. My blogging all boiled down to the stats. By the way, I also have 2,605 who have clicked the follow button on this blog but somehow, I only have 3.5 readers. I know 3.5 is facetious but it isn’t that much of a stretch either. On an average day, I’m lucky to crack maybe 20 or 30 visitors. Getting over 100 in a day is reason to pop the champagne.
So, let me know what you think about my 5 years of blogging. Oh, and if you’ve followed me from the beginning, for a couple years, or just started recently, thank you…and also, I hope whatever ailment you are suffering from that keeps you housebound and unable to do anything productive so all you do is just read dumb blogs like this one clears up soon.
Don’t forget to buy a book.