Tag Archives: blogging

Search Engine Optimized Poet – No One Reads This Blog

:::Bongo Drum Beats:::

Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.

Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the web searchers’ feets, ya dig?

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This blog!

Whoa, this blog!

No one ever reads it at all!

BQB would probably get more readership,

if he posts his musings on the back of a bathroom stall.

Bawl.  Like a baby our blog host cries.

And whenever his blog stats are low, a little piece of him dies.

Sighs.  That’s the sound that he makes.

Every day when other little piece of his heart breaks.

Mistakes.  He’s made a few.

But if it’s one thing you don’t get in life, it’s a re-do.

Stew.  In his juices in his East Randomtown dive.

Wondering why no matter what he does, his readers only total 3.5.

 

 

 

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I’m Worried About My Sales

3.5 readers, BQB here.

I don’t mean to alarm you, but as we draw near to the end of the first day of my first book being available for purchase on Amazon, I’m growing increasingly concerned about my sales figures, which, as you can see by this handy chart, are non-existent:

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Fellow self-publishers, let’s have a rap session as they used to say in the 1970s.  What suggestions do you have for me, a first time self-publisher, to get my sales skyrocketing?

I mean, I know I’m supposed to manage my expectations, but I really thought I’d be in a Malibu beach house in a hot tub full of supermodels by now and yet I can barely afford a cold shower and a nudey magazine.

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People Want to Know My Secret!

People always ask me:

“Bookshelf Q. Battler – how did you become the best blogger of all time?  I too want to have 3.5 readers.”

Well, you’re in luck.  I wrote up a handy guide to blogging greatness and you can find it here.

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BQB’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts Coming Soon!

Bookshelf Q battlers for Amazon

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal, BQB here.

I don’t have an exact date yet but the finishing touches are being put on the epic book, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts.

Can you feel the excitement in the air?  I can.  And I think it’s actual excitement and not just bad gas.

I’m thinking early June.  I’m not in a rush but assuming all goes well, I don’t see why it would have to be later than June.

So…it’s going to happen.  Huzzah!

It’ll be out on Amazon and you know, 3.5 readers, I don’t ask you for much but I’d love it if you could buy a copy and help fund my lifelong dream of buying a mansion in Malibu and filling the giant attached pool with beautiful women with loose morals.

Wait!  Did I say I wanted to buy a mansion and fill a pool with women with loose morals?  That was clearly a typo.  Silly me.  I meant to say I want to achieve my lifelong dream of being a writer and spread my love of the written word with the masses.

OK.  It’s a little bit about filling a mansion pool with loose women.

Fine.  I’ll be honest.  It’s 5% spreading my love of the written word and 95% filling a Malibu mansion pool with women with loose morals.

At any rate, that pool isn’t going to be filled with women overnight.  The way I figure it, there’s 3.5 of you, so the way I figure it, if I charge $2.99 per book, and if all 3.5 of you buy one, then I have a cool $10.47 coming my way.

Huzzah!  Sunday night special at the Sizzler here I come!  Or maybe just an order of mozzarella sticks and a diet coke with free refills at Applebee’s.

Wait.  Jeff Bezos gets a cut to fund his army of delivery drones that will eventually be used to conquer the world?

Fine.  Cut out the cheese sticks.  It’s just a diet coke for me but hey, free refills!  Nice.  Gotta have dreams, 3.5.  Gotta dream big.  It’s important.

3.5 READERS: But BQB, we’re broke!  We can’t afford $2.99 for your fabulous book!  We just think you should entertain us forever for nothing!

I understand, 3.5.  The economy has sucked boku butt since 2008 and is only now just starting to show signs of coming back around.  But you’ve been forced to scrimp and save and pinch your pennies.  Maybe you lost your dough in the stock market.  Maybe you lost the job.  Maybe you lost your dream and now you’re cleaning bus station toilets.

I get it.  $2.99 doesn’t grow on trees, even if it is for an awesome book by one of the greatest and most humble writers of all time.

That’s fine.  Here’s some shit that you, my 3.5 readers, can do to help me, BQB, achieve my dream of spending 5% of my time spreading my love of the written word to the masses and 95% of my time in a Malibu pool filled with women of ill repute.

You know what?  Let’s make it a top five list:

#1 – Tweet a link to my book.  Or, share a link to my book on Facebook or your preferred time wasting social media site.

#2 – Write a blog post about my book.  Want to write a review?  I could spare a free copy.  I’ll just have to fill my pool with less morally challenged women.  Or better yet, it is a book full of writing prompts.  Take the challenge and write a little something based on one of my prompts and post it, making sure you tell everyone where you got this fabulous prompt.

#3 –  Tell a friend about my book.

#4 – I shouldn’t assume you have a friend.  Lord knows I don’t have any.  Make a friend, then tell that friend about my book.  It will be a good excuse for you to make a friend.

#5 – Pray for high book sales.  I hate to bother God because he’s got a back log of prayers, many of which are more important than my book sales, but you know, if you don’t get in the cue somewhere then you never get served.   Drop a prayer, mark it low priority and the man upstairs will get to it eventually.

In conclusion, 3.5 readers, I know you all have lives but you know, we all have to prioritize.  Are your jobs and livelihoods and family commitments and so forth more important than helping me promote my love of the written word but more importantly, helping me sell books so I can raise the funds necessary to fill a Malibu pool with morally bankrupt women?

I think not.

In seriousness, thank you for all you do, 3.5.  I’ll let you know when the book is up.

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For Those Just Tuning In…

In case you’re not up to speed on your Bookshelf Battle history, this blog is the best blog ever created about a magic bookshelf caretaker who spends his days toiling away at Beige Corporation, the world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories, and his nights at BQB HQ, fighting the forces of evil and writing books to appease the maniacal alien overlord known as the Mighty Potentate.

:::deep breath:::

If you can find a better blog about a magic bookshelf caretaker who spends his days toiling away at Beige Corporation, the world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories, and his nights at BQB HQ, fighting the forces of evil and writing books to appease the maniacal alien overlord known as the Mighty Potentate…then you’re welcome to check it out.

Or better yet, allow my spokeswoman to explain what this fine blog is all about:

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Does this blog suck?

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here, channeling my inner Vinny Baggadouchio and asking if my blog sucks.  Does it suck?

If it does suck, what are some ways in which I can make it not suck?

If it does not suck, why do you think it does not suck?

Personally, I feel it needs more organization because my posts get buried in the blogroll whereas there might be some gems from the past that people might like to check out.

Also, in retrospect, I’m not sure that “Bookshelf Q. Battler” was the catchiest of pen names to choose, but after investing three years into it, I’m not sure it is wise to start over from scratch with something else.

Also, this blog is supposed to be, in part, a chronicle of my BQB adventures yet I feel like I never have the time to tell you all about the amazing nerd adventures I have been on.  Would you read them if I did?  People don’t seem to read stories on blogs, I have been noticing.  So in that regard, perhaps this idea for a blog was dumb but again after three years, I feel like I just can’t cut bait and run.  Who knows if another blog idea would do any better?

Thoughts?  Thank you 3.5.  Also, why haven’t you 3.5 readers become 3,500.5 readers yet?  What are you waiting for?  What can I do to make this happen?

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Random Things to Blog About #101-125

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#101 – Key lime pie.  Do you always check to make sure the limes used to make it were from the actual Florida Keys before you eat it?

#102 – Favorite card game

#103 – Most embarrassing moment

#104 – Pugs – adorable or ugly?

#105 – Why isn’t ninja an occupation that you can go to college for?

#106 – Shakespeare: overrated or underrated?

#107 – Write a haiku

#108 – Favorite flower

#109 – When it rains, is it God crying or peeing?

#110 – Are the people on television just tiny people that were squeezed into your TV set?

#111 – Your creepiest deja vu experience

#112 – Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

#113 – Name one way you would change the world if you could.

#114 – Is money the most important thing in life or is it the root of all evil?

#115 – What’s your favorite smell?

#116 – What’s your least favorite smell?

#117 – If you were standing in a room where your most and least favorite smells were combined, would you be sad, happy, or conflicted?  (For example, someone puts a warm apple pie and a rotten fish in the same room with you.)

#118 – When was the last time you played with a frisbee?  Why don’t you play frisbee more?

#119 – What’s the most expired food item you have in your kitchen at this very moment?  Take a photo, post it, and write about it.  Once I found a bottle of vinegar from a food store that had been closed in my area for twenty years.  It was hard to tell whether or not it had gone bad because it was vinegar (it always smells bad) but I threw it out to be safe.  I’m not sure why I had vinegar in the first place.  Who the hell uses vinegar anyway?

#120 – If you formed a band, what would it be called?

#121 – Your best memory

#122 – Michael Jackson: Musical genius, incredibly odd weirdo, or both?

#123 – Favorite travel destination

#124 – Isn’t it weird that planes can fly?  I mean, yeah, there are scientists that can explain how planes fly but still, it is hard to wrap your head around it when you really think about it.

#125 – Ketchup – should it go on everything or just some things?  What are those things?  Perhaps you are one of those people who believe it should go on nothing?  What are you, a Communist?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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101 Random Things to Blog About

Hey 3.5 readers.  I heard a rumor that you are also 3.5 writers.

Thus, pulled out of my butt completely at random, here are 101 things that you could write about on your 3.5 blogs:

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#1 – Cats.  Always adorable.  Meow meow.

#2 – Bunnies.  You know if they had smaller ears, they’d just be fat rats.  People only like them for their enormous ears.

#3 – Chocolate.  Mmm mmm, gotta love me some chocolate, girlfriend.

#4 – All your personal problems.  Go ahead.  Share them on the Internet.  What could possibly go wrong?  (My lawyer advises that no one should do this as a lot could go wrong).

#5 – Farts.  Do you know everyone farts?  The Queen of England farts.  Beauty queens fart.  Debutantes fart.  Santa Claus farts.  No one in the history of the world had not ever farted at least once.  Forgive me for the sacrilege, but even Jesus farted.  I can only assume that he turned his farts into bread to feed poor lepers.

#6 – Golf.  Whack a ball.  Walk.  Whack it again.

#7 – The fact that old people have sex.  How old do you think the oldest people to have sex were?  Do you think a hundred year old ever had sex?  Do you think two, one hundred year olds are bumping genitals as we speak?  Come on.  It’s a big world and history is long.  Two one hundred year olds must have gotten together and pounded one out at least one time between caveman times and today.  It’s not only possible it’s virtually impossible that it hasn’t happened at least once.

#8 – Dogs.  Messier than cats.  Nicer than cats.

#9 – Your kids.  Only don’t be dishonest.  Be honest and tell us they are ugly and they will never go anywhere.  (My lawyer says don’t listen to me and don’t talk about your kids on the Internet, even if it is to be honest and tell everyone how smart they are unlike all those parents who put 10,000 photos and stories on Facebook every time one of their spawns burp).

#10 – Art.  Who is your favorite painter?  Do you think Jackson Pollack laughed his way to the bank every time some dummy bought one of his canvases that he just flicked his paint brush all over?

#11 – Cows.  Moo.

#12 – Ducks.  Quack quack.

#14 – What’s your favorite sandwich?

#15 – Favorite pizza topping?

#16 – Favorite movie

#17 – Favorite taco filling?

#18 – Favorite comic book?

#19 – Have you ever farted so loud that it scared you?

#20 – Karate.  Do you know it?  If you don’t, why not?  Do you think someone is going to karate chop muggers for you?

#21 – Root beer tastes better than real beer.  Discuss.

#22 – What is an alternative version of you doing in an alternate universe right now?

#23 – Your favorite type of pie.

#24 – Favorite song.

#25 – Why are zombies so stupid?

#26 – Do chimpanzees really like bananas or is that a vicious chimp stereotype?

#27 – Favorite car.

#28 – Worst movie you have ever seen.

#29 – Worst pickup line you ever heard.

#30 – Worst pickup line used on you.

#31 – A pickup line that worked on you.

#32 – Do aliens exist? (Spoiler alert: Yes!)

#33 – Do you ever wonder what the world will be like in three hundred years?

#34 – The Three Stooges: Complete idiots or misunderstood geniuses.  Discuss.

#35 – Does decaf coffee even make sense?

#36 – Why don’t people walk backwards?

#37 – Do you think the inside of a kangaroo’s pouch looks like a swanky Manhattan bachelor pad?

#38 – Why haven’t fish figured out not to bite hooked worms after thousands of years of human fishing history?  Why are fish such dumbasses?

#39 – Did French people call French Fries just plain old fries?

#40 – Favorite TV show

#41 – Worst TV Show

#42 – Favorite cookie

#43 – Favorite cake

#44 – Favorite number

#45 – Favorite letter

#46 – What would people say about you if they knew for sure that  you’d never hear that they said it?

#47 – Favorite fruit

#48 – Favorite vegetable

#49 – Biting all the chocolates in a box of chocolates until you find the one you want.  Acceptable or not?

#50 – What business would you start if a rich benefactor was willing to give you the startup money?

#51 – Does your butt hurt right now?  Why or why not?

#52 – Mudslide.  Scary weather condition or excellent drink?  Discuss.

#53 – Is every boxing movie just trying to copy Rocky?

#54 – Puffer fish: hilarious or not?

#55 – Why is poop brown even when you didn’t eat anything brown?

#56 – Why don’t people wear capes anymore?

#57 – Why don’t people wear fedoras anymore?

#58 – Why don’t people wear spats anymore?

#59 – Why don’t people wear smoking jackets anymore?

#60 – Your favorite Jean Claude Van Damme movie.

#61 – Favorite crayon

#62 – Favorite dinner recipe

#63 – How long can you hop on one leg without putting your other foot down?

#64 – What’s the most hilarious thing that you are seriously worried about?

#65 – Bugs.  Smush ’em and not blink an eye or try to coax them out the front door so they can live to “Bzz” another day?

#66 – Favorite ice cream flavor

#67 – Favorite place to take a date

#68 – Favorite superhero

#69 – Favorite Bond film

#70 – Favorite Bond villain

#71 – If everyone in the world farted at the exact same time, would the world explode?

#72 – Hobos: hilarious or tragic?

#73 – If you could go on a space voyage to a distant planet but it would take so long that you’d never be able to return to Earth in your lifetime, would you go on it?

#74 – Funniest “Yo Mama” joke.

#75 – Does everything taste better dipped in chocolate?

#76 – Favorite board game

#77 – Biggest bubble you ever blew with a bubble wand

#78 – Favorite singer

#79 – Favorite band

#80 – Why aren’t there anymore rock bands?

#81 – Favorite baked potato topping

#82 – Chili – should it be for breakfast?

#83 – Favorite baseball team

#84 – Favorite football team

#85 – Do you prefer to write with pencils or pens?

#86 – What’s in your pocket right now?

#87 – Favorite TV channel

#88 – Favorite Tyler Perry movie.  Someone out there has one.

#89 – If oranges are orange, why aren’t strawberries called reds?

#90 – Watermelons are neither water nor melon.  Discuss.

#91 – Pancakes are neither pans nor cakes.  Discuss.

#92 – Which rapper would you must like to share a plate of cheesy fries with?

#93 – Worst hairstyle you’ve ever worn

#94 – What are three changes you must make in order to be happy?

#95 – Why do squirrels love nuts?

#96 – Favorite version of Law and Order

#97 – Your favorite joke

#98 – Favorite color

#99 – Favorite amusement park ride

#100 – Your favorite episode of Murder She Wrote.

#101 – Your own list of 101 things to blog about.

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Are You a Nerd? Become One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers!

Hey 3.5 readers.

Bookshelfbattle.com is an awesome place for nerds to commune in the spirit of nerdery while talking about nerdy things.

But don’t take my word for it.  Here’s a lady nerd to fill you in on the details:

Sigh.  I’m hooked on Fiverr now.  Anyway, if you want to hire this performer to do a card slide promo, check her out on Fiverr.

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And Now a Word From My Spokesperson…

Hey 3.5 readers.  Your old pal BQB here.

You know, this March will mark the third year anniversary of this fine blog, and though I love you all,  I must admit that in all of this time I have been sitting back and wondering when one of you readers would get off your shiftless, lazy hides and record a video testimonial of my greatness.

Seeing no such incoming video testimonials, I turned to Fiverr and found this delightful spokesperson, who was happy to educate the masses of my astounding brilliance.

In conclusion, this was the best five dollars I have ever spent and had I known it was possible to get women to say nice things about me by paying them I would have started doing it a long time ago.

Thank you, spokesperson.  That was an awesome testimonial.  In all humility, I truly deserved all of those wonderful compliments.

Meanwhile, this was my first time using Fiverr and I recommend it.  There are all sorts of talented folks waiting there to help you do awesome things with your website, blog, business, etc. so check out Fiverr.com

And finally, my spokesperson did such a fantastic job that I’ll give her a plug.  If you have a gig you’d like to throw her way, you can check out Stayingvintage on Fiverr.com

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