BQB HERE: I haven’t done a top ten list in ages, so enjoy. Click on the “Top Ten Category” Link and see more if you wish.
Congratulations! You just scored your dream job, that of the hot new soprano in a Paris opera house. Pretty soon, you’ll be raking in the cash and also getting all kinds of tasty croissants from your fans. I assume that’s how the French reward their singers. I don’t really know though.
The catch? A disfigured madman has absconded with you and taken you to his secret underground lair. But seriously, given how downright awful men have become, that could just be an average Tuesday night for most ladies.
Anyway, is your date the Phantom of the Opera? Check my handy list to find out:
#10 – He is a Phantom inside of an Opera
This is usually a dead giveaway. After all, it’s not like opera houses employ multiple phantoms, so if you’re at the opera and you have met a damn phantom, then run, ma’am, because that son of a bitch is the one and only Phantom of the Opera.
Or stay if you are into that sort of thing. Personally, I think you can do better. But hey, even though he’s ugly he might be packing a tree trunk under that cape, so what do I know? Relationships are all about decisions and compromise, I suppose.
#9 – Is He Inside Your Mind?
Check out Andrew Lloyd Weber’s infamous lyrics. If he’s in your mind, he might be the Phantom of the Opera. Then again, he could just be playing head games. A lot of men do that, you know. Damn men. I can’t stand them. That’s why I only date women. Also, because I like boobs, but that’s an entirely different column.
#8 – Has He Kidnapped You and Taken You to His Sewer Lair?
If you’re not award winning TV reporter April O’Neil and he isn’t green, then he’s probably the frigging Phantom of the Opera.
#7 – Have Those Who Have Seen His Face Drawn Back in Fear?
Again, check the lyrics. Although, this isn’t conclusive because people who see my face draw back in fear and I’m not the Phantom of the Opera.
#6 – Does He Wear Half of a Porcelain Mask?
Could be, but also could just be a flamboyant drama student.
#5 – Did You Meet Him on Tinder?
Then it’s not him. Don’t confuse him with his cousin, The Phantom of the Tinder.
#4 – Does He Wear a Cape?
Sadly…and this is a harsh indictment of today’s men, but yeah…that isn’t conclusive either.
#3 – Does He Call You His Angel of Music?
That’s really sweet. You know, so what if his face is messed up and lives in a sewer? He calls you nice names so you could just give it a chance and oh, what, all the kidnapping and murders. Even so, do you think anyone better is coming along? Look, I’m not telling you to settle but just make sure you don’t wait so long that you end up alone. After 40, when you’re hugging a cat and downing a pint of ice cream on your couch all alone, you’ll pine for that kidnapping murderer with the messed up face.
Bonus points if you don’t. #selfrespect
#2 – Does He Sing to You in Your Sleep?
Could be him. Could be your creepy ass next door neighbor.
#1 – If You Have to Ask, He Probably Is
I mean, come on. Whether or not your boyfriend is the Phantom of the Opera is just something you know, right?