Hey 3.5 readers.
So I saw that Hasbro has come out with “Ms. Monopoly,” which I guess is meant to celebrate women or something, though that’s odd because it’s not like the original game is limited to male or female players.
A key rule change in this version is that female players get $240 when passing go whereas men get a measly $200…because, um, I guess the best way to celebrate strong, independent women is to give them a headstart because they need it because men have all the advantages but also, they don’t need it because they’re so strong and independent and so on.
This is where someone woker than I will point out that this rule change is a commentary on the unfairness of society and that men on average make more than women so see if you men playing this game like it when the women make more for a change.
Then, this is where I would tell the person who pointed this out that they are comparing apples to oranges because sure, women on the whole make less than men on the whole, but that’s because many women often choose less profitable occupations, and amongst the non-college educated, men always have the opportunity to get into construction or roofing or contracting and many women tend to not be interested in such professions and if you are worried then the way to fix it isn’t by just shouting down the imaginary boogeyman that is lurking in the shadows, doling out extra money to men, but rather, to look at why many women don’t go into more lucrative fields and working on ways to break down those barriers.
Moving on…in light of this new game, here are some upcoming female based board games (and/or woke board games):
#1 – Ms. Clue – Without even opening the box, just assume all male players are automatically guilty and send them directly to jail with no concerns for constitutional due process.
#2 – Ms. Twister – Female players will have a rollicking fun time as they spin the wheel that tells them which brightly colored dots they must put their hands and feet on, contorting themselves into all manner of silly positions. Male players will decline to play and will huddle in a corner, recording themselves on their cell phones, saying things like, “Look, I’m all the way over here!” and “Here are my hands! Look at my hands! I’m keeping my hands to myself and away from all of those dots!” and pointing out that they are not anywhere near the women and that these recordings will hopefully bail them out of any legal proceedings.
#3 – Woke Operation – Though the patient is the one who decided to drink himself until his kidneys exploded, you’ll need to be overtaxed to pay for this operation. Also, you must chop off the patient’s penis and attach a vagina without making the game buzz.
#4 – Woke Risk (Or Woke Stratego) – The player who plays as America must forfeit all turns and give up all territory and possessions to all other players to make up for past injustices.
#5 – Woke Scrabble – Same point awarding system as before, but if you try to use your tiles to spell out any pronouns, you must slap yourself in the ball sack with a ball peen hammer.
#6 – Woke Game of Life (Millennial Edition) – All players under 35 just fart into their webcams and become automatically millionaires. Anyone born before Reagan was president can literally go fuck themselves.
#7 – Ms. Chutes and Ladders – All female players get to climb the ladders. All male players get kicked down the chutes.
#8 – Ms. Pictionary – All drawing clues just require the players to give a middle finger to the patriarchy.
#9 – Ms. Trivial Pursuit – Female players are awarded an extra pie wedge everytime a male player mansplains the answer to a trivia question.
#10 – Ms. Hungry Hungry Hippos – The game begins when the male players throw all of the little balls into the ring. All female players will then proclaim that their hippos are not hungry…but then they will nibble on the balls that the men are eating…more and more until the male players just wonder why the female players didn’t just order their own damn white balls but, ok, then the male players calm down and realize that the female players” hippos are under a lot of pressure to please society by looking hot so they’ll go along with the rouse and pretend like the women players’ hippos didn’t eat all the white balls and the male players’ hippos will go back into the box starving but they’ll do it because they know to order more white balls would be taken as an insult.
The male players’ hippos will then pick up the check even though the female players’ hippos have jobs and money and are empowered and shit.