Happy Saturday, 3.5 readers.
Have you heard the news? Amazon has just bought Whole Foods for $13.4 billion dollars.
My first reaction? If Bezos has that kind of loot at his disposal, why the hell did he need to take 64 cents out of my 99 cent sale, literally the one and only copy I’ve sold of my book in over a week of it being online?
(Just kidding. This dog doesn’t bite the hand that feeds him, even if it is a tiny piece of kibble at this point. I wuv you Jeffykins!)
Did I mention you could be the second person to buy my book?
You might think this is just an interesting business deal but it’s much more.
Amazon didn’t just buy a chain of food stores. They, in essence, bought a whole shit ton of buildings that will serve as good regional distribution centers which means, yup…you’re sitting on your computer late at night, you think a nice lobster and a gallon of milk would be delicious right about now.
Just click on that button and wham-o…some dude will show up at your doorstep with a lobster and milk, both delivered in time to avoid spoilage.
I mean, the Jeffmeister doesn’t clue me in on what he’s up to but I assume that’s where this deal is headed.
Many food store chain stocks took a dive because of this news.
Do you think this is good or bad, 3.5 readers?
On one hand, I’d hate to see brick and mortar grocery stores go out of business. Perhaps they will always be around because a lot of people will still want to squeeze that melon to see if it’s ripe before they buy it.
I mean, really, who doesn’t like to squeeze a ripe melon? Am I right? Huh? :::rimshot:::
On the other hand, sometimes I waste so much time in grocery stores. You have to fight for parking. You have to find a cart. You have to roam around the aisles until you find what you want. Usually there’s some blue haired old broad standing right in the spot I need to be and I’ll have to wait an hour before she moves just so I can get my hands on my hemorrhoid cream. Extra-strength for extra itchiness!
Then you’ve got to wait in line. You’ve got to check out. Something will inevitably not have a price on it so some kid will have to go roam the whole store until he finds the price and everyone grumbles at you because you’re holding up the line.
Then you get home. You have to haul all the bags into your house. You’ll do that thing where you come super close to breaking all the bones in your hands just so you can carry extra bags to avoid making additional trips between your kitchen and your car.
Meanwhile, all the d-bags in your house will see you struggling with the groceries and they won’t lift a finger to help. You’ll resent them because they’ll still eat the food you brought home even though they didn’t help you bring it in. God, your family is a bunch of butt monkeys but you still love them.
So…yeah…I gotta be honest. The idea of being able to sit at my computer, click off all the food I want on a website, and then some dude brings it to my house for me sounds pretty sweet.
I don’t know if they’ll completely tank grocery stores altogether in the near future. Some may remain. Some may modernize and start their own online delivery services. But, yeah, in the near future, Amazon is going to take a big chunk out of the grocery biz.
Will that mean anything for us aspiring writers? Maybe we can forego monetary profit and just ask readers to send us a jar of pickles from Amazon in exchange for all the books they download from us on…Amazon.
Of course, Amazon will take 64 percent of the pickles (or 30 if you ask for 2.99 worth of pickles, but not more than 9.99 worth of pickles).
FYI I hate pickles. It’s like a witch doctor took a cucumber and did a spell on it to make it shrink.