Category Archives: Daily Discussion with BQB

Richard Pryor Fucked Marlon Brando (According to TMZ)

According to this TMZ article, comic legend Richard Pryor and acting legend Marlon Brando humped, boned, got it on.

I’m such a dinosaur because I don’t know what to think.  Two actors I liked.  I suppose it would be not woke to not like them anymore.  Also, to clarify, I didn’t like Brando that much.  IMO, he was good in “The Godfather” and kind of a pretentious prick in everything else, but that’s my opinion.

Pryor was hysterical in everything.

OK I’m depressed these two allegedly had sex, but I admit that makes me not woke.

Also, it may be beyond depression.  Just surprise.  Shock.  Pryor was so silly, Brando so serious.  Didn’t seem like they’d hang out together, let alone have alleged gay sex.

Like imagine how you’d feel if you woke up tomorrow and there was a headline that said Justin Bieber, Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift like to play pinball machines on top of giant, football stadium sized donuts while unicorns run around and space aliens dance the mambo.

That would seem very out of the ordinary…just as how out of the ordinary it is to me the allegation that Pryor and Brando banged each other.

What would that even sound like?

BRANDO: I’m going to make your ass an offer it can’t refuse!

PRYOR: Oh get in there, bitch!  You gonna get it all, Jack!

BRANDO:  Ugh…your ass could have been a contender!

PRYOR: Oh you muthafucka!  Gratuitous use of the N-word!

BRANDO:  STELLAAAAAAAA!!!

PRYOR:  Hilarious white guy voice!

BRANDO: YOU CAN ACT LIKE A MAN!

PRYOR: Where’s my crack pipe?!

Anyway.  That’s how I imagine it sounded.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Lady Doritos

Hey 3.5 readers.

I love Doritos.  In fact, if it were possible to determine where all the fat on my body came from, Doritos would have a significant amount of responsibility.

I think the idea of a chip that isn’t as crunchy or messy is a good idea, provided that it tastes as good.  I assume it doesn’t.  Chips always have different versions, the fat free version, the this version, the that version, none of it is as tasty as the regular.  They might be more healthy, but not as tasty.

But I mean, if it were possible to make a less crunchy, less messy chip, that sounds like a good idea.  A chip you could bring to a quiet place and eat and not bother anyone.  A chip that you could eat and it wouldn’t make your hands all messy with cheese and then your fingers are all orange for the rest of the day and you inevitably leave cheesy fingerprints all over everything around you.

I don’t think society is necessarily clamoring for that type of chip, but you know, if a chip scientist came up with this, that would be the way to market it.  Cue commercial of an annoying coworker eating his loud, messy chips, driving everyone nuts.  Maybe the boss picks up an important document with cheese dust all over it, then that’s the last straw, he smacks the chips out of the worker’s hand and gives the worker a bag of office friendly Doritos.

Hell, that’s what you could call them. “Office friendly Doritos.” Put them in all workplace vending machines.

Soooo…instead, Doritos calls these, “Lady Doritos.”  Women, y’all are too messy and gross and loud and if you want a man you’re going to have to get Lady Doritos.

COMMERCIAL:  Man sees a woman.  He is in love.  She eats a load chip.  Man says, “Ugh!” and runs away.  Announcer says, “Coulda been married by now if you’d had Lady Doritos.”

Folks, you know me.  I’m very un-PC.  I believe it’s generally good to be nice and thoughtful of feelings but we can’t just walk around on eggshells, scared the littlest thing might offend so we just say nothing.

But even an un-woke person like me, who laughs at people who require safe spaces, trigger warnings and therapy coloring books and puppies has to admit, Lady Doritos was a bad idea.

First, it wasn’t like there was a groundswell of people who were pissed at loud and/or messy chips.  Yeah, there might be some situations where they’re annoying but it’s not like the crunch is akin to a deafening fog horn and the cheese residue is nothing that a trip to a sink can’t cure.

Even so, the idea is interesting and worth a go.  I just don’t understand how the marketing people flubbed this.

Had they called this, “The Clean, Crunchless Chip” people would probably give it a try.  People who bring their lunch to work might be inclined to buy that variety of Doritos over a rival brand of chip.

But they called it “Lady Doritos.”  Holy shit.  I’m very un-woke but had I been in that marketing meeting I’d of been like, “Dudes!  Y’all are going to be crucified on Twitter.”

“The Crunchless Chip” inventor would get a Nobel Prize and there’d be science journal articles about his invention and shit.

But they screwed it up.  “Lady Doritos.”  Shit.  What a bunch of dummies.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – California to Fine and/or Jail Waiters Who Give Out Straws Without Being Asked

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

California, that dopey state full of dopey people (unless you read this blog then I love you and you’re not included) has passed a law, the basic summary of which is if you’re a waiter and you hand out a straw without being asked for one, you could get a fine up to $1000 or 6 months in jail.

Let’s unpack this.  I assume the concern is a) all other problems in California have been solved and the legislature can now put all of its focus into the great straw catastrophe and b) straws are not really a necessity (at least for most people) and therefore if they are passed out only when asked for, there might be a reduction in straw plastic being thrown away.

First, I mean, holy shit, a fine or jail?  Look people.  Jail sucks.  The government shouldn’t be creating new ways to throw people into jail over piddily shit.  Can you imagine the conversation on the cell block?

PRISONER A: Whaddya in for?

PRISONER B: I was the chainsaw maniac serial killer on the news.  I chainsawed 50 people to death.  How about you?

PRISONER A:  I was a mob hitman.  I whacked over a thousand people.  Hey you, what are you in for?

FORMER WAITER TURNED PRISONER C:  I gave a straw to a customer even though he didn’t ask me for one.

PRISONER A: OH MY GOD!

PRISONER B:  You make me sick!

At any rate, prison time should really be reserved for major crimes so I mean, you know locking people up or fining them or putting anything on their criminal record over a straw is crazy.

You might think this won’t be rabidly enforced but I mean, all it takes is for one uppity person to run to the cops and be all like, “He gave me a straw without asking!”  And then what’s that trial going to be like?  Five days of lawyers and witnesses and a judge re-enacting an alleged straw handoff?

Second, paper straws do exist.  I’ve used them and they aren’t that bad.  If plastic straws are that concerning, they could tell restaurants they have to use paper straws.

Third, there has to be a reason why restaurant drinks always come with straws in the first place.  It’s got to be a sanitation thing.  If you have customers just putting their mouth germs on the straw and then the straw is easily flicked into the trash, maybe that lessens the spread of bacteria for say, a dishwasher who would otherwise be handling hundreds of glasses that were drunk directly from all day.

Plus, you’ve got these cups being drank from by tons of people everyday…and they’re being handled by waiters all day…I’m sure the dishwasher probably kills most germs but the straw just adds an extra little layer.  I mean, if there’s serious germs in that cup, will the straw stop it?  Probably not but still.

In theory, I do wonder about all the excess waste that restaurants and especially fast food joints produce.  Every drink you get a plastic cup, a bag or a box your food goes in, you eat for a few minutes then that all goes in the trash but unfortunately I just don’t see another way.

I just think that jail time for a straw infraction is a bit much.  The threat of jail should be used sparingly.  I have a feeling in the next year there are going to be a lot of waiters and waitresses whose disgruntled exes are going to be shouting, “He/she gave me a straw!  An unasked for straw!”

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Nicki Minaj or Cardi B?

3.5 readers, I need you to sit down for a second because there’s a war a-brewing and it’s not being talked about enough.

Nicki Minaj’s delicious, delectable derriere has brought me much joy over the past several years, so much so that I always sing along with all of her butt raps.

But now there’s a newcomer, a young upstart, a new claimant to the “girl who is the best at rapping about her big butt” throne.

I don’t know, 3.5 readers.  Cardi B’s got it.  She’s rising up the charts.  She’s moving fast.  I mean, I only have so much time in the day to listen to girls rapping about their butts and now Cardi is taking time usually reserved for Nicki and splitting it in half.  Now my butt rap song listening time is divided between these two.

Seriously, now I know how the crack that divides the cheeks on those butts they’re always rapping about must feel.

Am I cheating on Nicki by listening to Cardi?  Did I form a relationship where a beautiful Nubian goddess promised to rap about her butt to me forever and in exchange, I promised to give her my money forever by buying her songs and shit but now, a new girl comes along?  Maybe this is how husbands end up cheating.  You meet a woman.  You fall in love.  You never think you’d stray but then here comes the new hottie with a fresh take on butt raps.

In any event, when I was a kid, Sunday was “In Living Color” night.  Between “The Simpsons,” “In Living Color,” and “Married with Children,” that night was like the most politically incorrect night on television.  Millennials would be so triggered by all that shit today.

Cardi and Bruno Mars put out a video where they dance on the fly girl stage just like the fly girls did back in the day on “In Living Color.”  No, it doesn’t make me happy to know all the things I enjoyed as a kid are fun nostalgia but I enjoyed the video just the same.

Don’t fight over me, Cardi and Nicki.  There’s plenty of BQB to go around.

Who will you choose, 3.5 readers?

 

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Daily Discussion with BQB – I Need to Get More Controversial

Hey 3.5 readers.  BQB here.

Let’s face it.  The more controversial your opinions are the more traction your blog will get.

Ergo, here are my most exceptionally controversial opinions:

  • Ducks cause cancer.
  • The Earth is neither round nor flat but square.
  • Flavor Flav should be elected Pope.
  • Ice cream is a superfood.
  • Ferrets should rule the world and we should all bow down to our furry snake-like rodent masters.
  • Batman is a menace to society and should be arrested by Commissioner Gordon immediately.
  • Gay marriage should be banned, but not because I’m against gays getting married but because no one should get married.  Also, marriage of all kinds should be banned.
  • Alternatively, marriages should be treated as contracts with an option to renew after five years.  If a football player can’t decide if he wants to be with his team forever, then if you work out and make a lot of money and become a better person in five years than you are today, you should get an option to find a new spouse, one who won’t fart a lot or spend too much or doesn’t leave dirty dishes and toe nail clippings all over.  Someone who won’t have sex with random vagrants or post inappropriate comments about how ugly your genitals are on social media.  Really, every five years, you should be able to take stock and decide if it’s still working enough to renew for another five years or if you’ve bettered yourself to the point where you can find someone who doesn’t drive you insane.
  • Chimpanzees should be trained to become assassins.
  • One day a week should be ugly day on TV.  Only ugly people should be allowed on television.  News networks will be required to find the ugliest people who just fetch the coffee and have them read the news.
  • The Internet should be cancelled.
  • You are not funny, witty or interesting.
  • Also, your children are ugly and will grow up to be mediocre at best.
  • Anyone who jaywalks should be strapped to a rocket and shot into outer space.
  • Rocket launchers should be passed out like candy.  Everyone will leave each other alone if they know the other person is packing a rocket launcher.
  • College should be cancelled.  When you are 18, you should be required to become a hobo and ride the rails in box cars you snuck into and live like a homeless person for four years.  You will learn more.
  • There should be one day a year where you are allowed to fart on anyone you don’t like without fear of legal reprisal.

Do you have a controversial opinion?  Share it in the comments.

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A BQB Kickstarter?

Hey 3.5 readers.

If you’re a young creative person, you really have no idea how good you have it.  I know, every generation tells the next generation that, but it’s true.

In the 1990s, I thought it might be possible to start your own website and share your writing online while bypassing the traditional gatekeepers.  Some early pioneers with HTML coding skills were able to do just that but for the most part, it was too difficult for the average person.

Today, you have blog sites like WordPress where you type and WordPress codes.  You have social media to share your posts with like minded folks via hashtags.

But what about artwork?  Even as far back as the 1990s, the Internet was a very visual medium.  No one wants to read a block of text without some breakup in the monotony.

People used to read physical newspapers and not every article had a photo.  That’s because if you picked up a paper, you came to read.  Meanwhile, on the Internet, you’re trying to get people’s attention.  Flag them down as they pass by and for that you need artwork.

I was really surprised that an artist, based on my descriptions of two of this blog’s characters, Alien Jones and the Yeti, was able to produce this in a short time and frankly, at a reasonable price:

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I normally use shutterstock for most of this blog’s characters, but I was wondering if a kickstarter wouldn’t be in order?  By raising some funds, I could hire artists to draw Uncle Hardass, Vinny Baggadouchio, Professor Nannerpants, Dr. Hugo von Science, etc.

What say you, 3.5 readers?  Generally, I don’t like Kickstarter.  I feel it’s like virtual panhandling and it might be embarrassing to start it and get no support.  However, I think some original artwork could help bring this blog to the next level.

I’ve done as much as I can on the cheap.  The stats have increased every year.  The traffic slowly but surely gets slightly better over time, but that’s comparable to like, wind bringing sand to a beach and every five years the beach gets a quarter of an inch thicker.

Tell me your thoughts, 3.5.  If you’ve done a kickstarter, I’d like to hear your advice.  Is this a viable endeavor?

 

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Should Oprah Run for President? (Howard Stern Says No)

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

I was listening to Howard Stern today (he actually came into work) and he had an interesting take on all the talk about President Oprah.

He said (and I remember this) years ago, he ran for Governor of New York as a goof.  He didn’t want the job and just did it as a promotion, to get his name out there and get some free press.  He didn’t think anyone would take him seriously so got scared when he actually ranked high in the polls.  Political consultants began getting in touch with him, sure he had a good shot at winning.

He backed out of it because he felt he would not do a good job.  He’s a funny radio guy and while he enjoys that and he has been successful as an entertainer, he did not believe he could handle the job of being governor – the tough decisions, the turmoil, the scrutiny, the studying, the non-stop nature of the job, 24/7 and weekends.  Ultimately, people rely on the Governor and he didn’t think he could deliver.

He thought maybe he might have won and who knows, perhaps from there he might have had a shot at the presidency but he didn’t want it.  He did not believe he would do a good job and so bowed out so an actual politician could win.

He likened his situation to Oprah and said that as a celebrity, especially one that came from humble beginnings without much money (as he and Oprah did) it is tempting to want everything, to take every offered opportunity, to do every TV show, movie, book, business venture, everything because no matter how big you get, you fear it might all go away and so it’s easy to see the presidency as the ultimate plaything, to increase your fame and status…but ultimately, you have to think not of yourself but of the country.

I think he has a good point and I’m wondering if we aren’t going down a path where perhaps there should be a mandate that to win the presidency you must hold some kind of prior office first?  Reagan was an actor, but he did go on to run a union and serve as governor of California.  He did his homework and got his government training.

I mean…when we hear of President the Rock….come on.  I don’t care how loved of a celebrity you are, the second you run for office, half the country will hate you.  Why not stay a celebrity and be loved by all?

On the other hand, TV has really screwed politics up, for years now.  Gone are the days when character, knowledge and experience matter.  How photogenic are you?  What’s your social media following like?

Howard said we need a modern day Winston Churchill but I have news for him – Winston could not win office today.  “Who’s that chubby little bald man with froggy voice?  Get him off the stage and put a squared jawed, perfect haired dummy in his place!”

In other words, politics and entertainment are hand in hand now, such that you can’t be an actor if you aren’t a hottie and let’s face it, you can’t be a politician unless you’ve got that super star quality either.

Discuss.

 

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Daily Discussion with BQB – KodakCoin

Hey 3.5 readers.

Kodak’s stock tripled today based on news that it is launching a new product, “KodakCoin,” getting in on the cryptocurrency phenomenon.

Gotta be honest, I’m surprised Kodak is still in business.  I dabble in the stock market, but I never would have thought to buy shares in Kodak because, I mean, their main claim to fame was built on physical camera film, which is basically like producing Model T fords or dinosaur pants.

Millennials, there was a time when you had to load film into your camera and the little gremlins inside your camera would etch a rough sketch of what you were pointing your camera at.  I’m pretty sure how that works.

Amazingly, Kodak remained in business over the years.  I believe if you ever go to a store and get physical prints of your digital photos, its usual a Kodak machine, so they showed some conversion to modern tech power.  Still, it’s got to be hard on a company when the product they were known for, i.e. Kodak film, becomes obsolete.

Not sure what KodakCoin is but it sounds like they’re devising a way for photographers to get paid when hteir images are used.  If you know more about it, tell me and also will you use it?

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Daily Discussion with BQB – The Accusations Against Stan Lee

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

When I was a kid, I made an effort to start an autograph collection.  I wrote to celebrities, usually to like the network they worked on, the company they worked for, and wrote polite little letters asking for an autograph.

I got a lot of form letters back telling me politely to pound sand…but I also got…a photo signed by the one and only Stan Lee. (Not gonna lie, I have debated for years whether he signed it or if it was a photo with the signature already printed on it, but either way, it was a better response than what I’d received from anyone else.

It made me happy because I used to watch the “Spider-Man” cartoon on Saturday mornings, narrated in his cool voice.

Sigh.  Excelsior, true believers.

He’s denied the accusations through his lawyers.  I think I’ll wait and see how the story develops before I say anything.

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