Category Archives: Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – What if God Was One of Us?

Just a slob like one of us, just a stranger on the bus, trying to make his way home?

I know it’s a Joan Osborne song from the 1990s but still, it’s a good daily discussion question, 3.5 readers.  What if God was one of us?  Do you think he’d be happy to be one of us or would he be sad?

Discuss.  By the way, if one of you is God, you have to tell me…and if we could talk that would be awesome.  I have questions.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – I May Have Screwed Up My Life

You know 3.5 readers, the one thing I realize as I get older is I regret not doing a lot of shit – shit I didn’t do when I was younger and now if I do it when I’m older, it just seems lame, like giving a participation ribbon to the kid who finished the race five hours after everyone else went home.

Is it possible to pack in a lot of stuff to overcome a regrettable life or is it too late and time to wallow in self-pity and remorse?

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Marco Rubio’s Epic Ivanka Trump Hug Fail

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.  As you know, I avoid discussing politics on this fine blog, because whether you are a Republican or a Democrat, I think the most important thing everyone can do is to come together and buy my book and give my blog extra clicks so I can finally buy my long awaited beach house in Malibu and fill it full of women of ill repute and questionable moral character.

Anyway.  Regardless of your thoughts on POTUS 45, you’ve got to admit, the First Daughter is so hot that should could give a bad case of priapism to a eunuch.  (That’s when your little soldier stands at attention  for more than four hours.  Daytime TV commercials advise you to see a doctor at that point.)

Thus, I personally feel for Florida Senator Marco Rubio when he delivered this awkward hug to Ivanka:

Sure, your first instinct might be to think that Senator Rubio is a dope for not just going all in like a man on that hug (Lord knows Bookshelf Q. Battler has never been one to leave a lady unsatisfied in the hug department) but then consider:

  1. He’s a married man.  He probably didn’t want to linger too long and piss off his wife.  “What, dear?  No, I got zero enjoyment out of hugging one of the most beautiful women in the world.  Didn’t you see the photo?  I barely touched her.
  2. She’s a married woman.  You don’t want to get on the Kush’s bad side.
  3. He’s a politician.  Had he lingered too long the media would say he must be warm for Ivanka’s form.
  4. She’s hot so like every second of contact adds another second to the bad case of priapism I assume anyone gets when they come into contact with her – which is fine, under normal circumstances, but in the Senator’s case, he probably had important Senatorial shit to do after that meeting so it’s not like he can walk around all day with a bout of Ivanka inspired priapism.
  5. Ivanka kind of seems so hot that like, the average hug just bounces off her.  Like, you need to be more than just a Senator in order to land your hug because an invisible force field will just bounce your hug right off.  You have to be like the Emperor of Jupiter or an equally sized planet for your hug to go through.  Only hugs from ridiculously impressive men will land.

Later, Rubio lampooned the coverage, joking in a series of tweets that he was “investigating” the awkward hug allegations and Ivanka tweeted “Fake news! Marco Rubio is an excellent hugger.

Anyway, I don’t intend to start a whole political back and forth with this post.  I just thought the photo was funny and I could picture myself in Rubio’s situation, having no idea what to do and feeling like any move is going to get me lambasted so, oh well, here goes the awkward hug.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Supreme Court Rules in Favor of Rock Band “The Slants”

Hey 3.5 readers.  BQB here.

Interesting story on FOX news today – there’s an all Asian-American rock band calling themselves “The Slants.”  They attempted to trademark their name but were denied by the government on a claim that the term was offensive, racially insensitive etc.

They took their case to the Supreme Court and won.  SCOTUS struck down “the disparagement clause” which keeps offensive terms from being trademarked.

(Sidenote: I’m not here to debate whether or not the term “slant” when used in reference to an Asian is offensive.  A) it is but B) the issue isn’t whether or not the term is or isn’t but whether or not the government can tell a band they aren’t allowed to name themselves that.)

I’m a free speech purist, so I side with “The Slants” on this.  In theory, it may sound great to give the government the power to censor “offensive speech” but offense is in the eye of the offended and once you give the government an inch of power they’ll take a mile of it. Today they’re censoring inappropriate rock band names, tomorrow they will censor political speech as offensive – i.e. “I think Candidate X is wrong on such and such issue” might be deemed offensive and you’d be tossed in the hoosegow for voicing your political beliefs.

Thus, when it comes to free speech purism, you have to rely on the “marketplace of ideas” to sort things out.  “The Slants” may have come up with a clever marketing gimmick to get themselves some play in the short term.  Hell, even I’m not really a fan of using the term “slant” – maybe I’ll have to start calling them “That Asian-American Rock Band” or something.  At any rate, if they want any long lasting staying power, they will have to churn out some super catchy tunes or else the people will vote with their ears.

That’s how this all works, people.  That dude on the street corner wearing a sandwich board that reads “Hitler is My BFF” and ringing a bell gets to do that under the law and that’s the price we all pay to be able to speak our own minds.

Don’t worry about that hypothetical guy with the sandwich board.  The free marketplace of ideas will be regulate him.  He won’t be invited to any fancy dinner parties or getting any positions of power anytime soon.  Let the people decide what speech gets you where, but don’t let the government start picking and choosing who gets to say what.  In the short term, it may spare your ears from having to hear things you don’t want to hear but in the long run, it will eventually lead to you not being able to say what you want to say.

Sidenote – I’d be curious if “NWA” ever had any trademark issues or did they solve the issue by just calling themselves “NWA” and leaving it to the public to figure out what that stood for?  (FYI millenials, I’m not telling you what it stands for.)

Discuss.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Amazon Buys Whole Foods

Happy Saturday, 3.5 readers.

Have you heard the news?  Amazon has just bought Whole Foods for $13.4 billion dollars.

My first reaction?  If Bezos has that kind of loot at his disposal, why the hell did he need to take 64 cents out of my 99 cent sale, literally the one and only copy I’ve sold of my book in over a week of it being online?

(Just kidding.  This dog doesn’t bite the hand that feeds him, even if it is a tiny piece of kibble at this point.  I wuv you Jeffykins!)

Did I mention you could be the second person to buy my book?

You might think this is just an interesting business deal but it’s much more.

Amazon didn’t just buy a chain of food stores.  They, in essence, bought a whole shit ton of buildings that will serve as good regional distribution centers which means, yup…you’re sitting on your computer late at night, you think a nice lobster and a gallon of milk would be delicious right about now.

Just click on that button and wham-o…some dude will show up at your doorstep with a lobster and milk, both delivered in time to avoid spoilage.

I mean, the Jeffmeister doesn’t clue me in on what he’s up to but I assume that’s where this deal is headed.

Many food store chain stocks took a dive because of this news.

Do you think this is good or bad, 3.5 readers?

On one hand, I’d hate to see brick and mortar grocery stores go out of business.  Perhaps they will always be around because a lot of people will still want to squeeze that melon to see if it’s ripe before they buy it.

I mean, really, who doesn’t like to squeeze a ripe melon?  Am I right?  Huh?  :::rimshot:::

On the other hand, sometimes I waste so much time in grocery stores.  You have to fight for parking.  You have to find a cart.  You have to roam around the aisles until you find what you want.  Usually there’s some blue haired old broad standing right in the spot I need to be and I’ll have to wait an hour before she moves just so I can get my hands on my hemorrhoid cream.  Extra-strength for extra itchiness!

Then you’ve got to wait in line.  You’ve got to check out.  Something will inevitably not have a price on it so some kid will have to go roam the whole store until he finds the price and everyone grumbles at you because you’re holding up the line.

Then you get home.  You have to haul all the bags into your house.  You’ll do that thing where you come super close to breaking all the bones in your hands just so you can carry extra bags to avoid making additional trips between your kitchen and your car.

Meanwhile, all the d-bags in your house will see you struggling with the groceries and they won’t lift a finger to help.  You’ll resent them because they’ll still eat the food you brought home even though they didn’t help you bring it in.  God, your family is a bunch of butt monkeys but you still love them.

So…yeah…I gotta be honest.  The idea of being able to sit at my computer, click off all the food I want on a website, and then some dude brings it to my house for me sounds pretty sweet.

I don’t know if they’ll completely tank grocery stores altogether in the near future.  Some may remain.  Some may modernize and start their own online delivery services.  But, yeah, in the near future, Amazon is going to take a big chunk out of the grocery biz.

Will that mean anything for us aspiring writers?  Maybe we can forego monetary profit and just ask readers to send us a jar of pickles from Amazon in exchange for all the books they download from us on…Amazon.

Of course, Amazon will take 64 percent of the pickles (or 30 if you ask for 2.99 worth of pickles, but not more than 9.99 worth of pickles).

FYI I hate pickles.  It’s like a witch doctor took a cucumber and did a spell on it to make it shrink.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – New Twitter and It Still Doesn’t Have an Edit Function

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

If you’re on the Tweet-a-mo-bob, (follow me @bookshelfbattle) you might have noticed that they changed things around a lot.

Yet, they still didn’t bring one desperately needed feature – the ability to edit a Tweet.

As it stands right now, if you write a tweet with a mistake in it, your only option is to delete it and rewrite the whole thing.  You really should be able to just hit an edit button, change the erroneous word, and then save it.

It’s been eleven years, Twitter.  Make this happen.

What other changes would you like to see happen on Twitter?

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Who Was the Best Batman?

A) Adam West

B) Michael Keaton

C) Val Kilmer

D) George Clooney

E) Christian Bale

F) Ben Affleck

Rank them in the comments as to who you think is best to worst.

BQB’s ranking:

Best Humorous Batman = Adam West

Best Overall Batman = Michael Keaton

Best Serious Batman = Christian Bale

Acceptable Batman = Val Kilmer

Worst Batman Ever and the Studio Should Have Never Let It Happen – George Clooney

Blah, I’m Indifferent to This Batman = Ben Affleck

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Intelligence is a Curse

Happy Friday, 3.5 readers.

BQB here.  Do you ever wish you weren’t so smart?  I do.  All the time.

I’m surrounded by dumb people.  They never worry about anything.  I worry about everything because I’m so smart that my information filled brain realizes all of the potential bad things that could happen in any given situation.

Plus, I’m always down on myself because I feel like I failed, that I should have used my intelligence to do bigger, better things.

Do you know who doesn’t get down on themselves for failure?  Dumb people.  Know why?  They’re dumb.  You can’t realize you failed if you’re too dumb to figure out what success is.

Seriously.  Sometimes I think it would be easier to be a dummy.  Just watch TV and not worry about anything because there isn’t anything in my brain telling me to be worried or sad that I’m not super successful.

Then again, maybe I’m not that smart.  After all, I do work at Beige Corporation and moonlight as the proprietor of a blog that is only seen by 3.5 readers.  Perhaps I took a wrong turn an Albuquerque.

Crap.  No, I don’t really want to be a dummy.  Now I’m questioning my intelligence though.  I mean, if I’m so smart, why haven’t I figured out how to get 30.5 million readers by now?

I also feel like dumb people hate smart people.  Know why?  Being around them makes them feel, in a weird way, smart.  You know what a dumb person’s favorite pastime is?  Pointing out whenever a dumb person does something dumb.

You ever accidentally forget to tie your shoelace around a dumb person?  You know what they always say?  “What?  They don’t teach you how to tie shoelaces in college? Har dee har har!”

Shut up, dumb person.  No, they don’t teach you how to tie your shoe laces in college.

Alright.  This rant is getting dumb.  Peace out, 3.5 readers.  And if you think your intelligence is a curse, tell me about it in the comments.

Also, I’m just kidding.  I don’t think my intelligence is a curse.  I think I have just been held back by a world that is too dumb to realize my genius.  It’s ok though.  It makes me feel superior.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Time Goes By Too Fast

It really does, doesn’t it?  I mean, how is it June 1 already?  Wasn’t it just Christmas the other day?  WTF, 3.5 readers?  Why aren’t you creating time machines to slow down time?

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Mark Zuckerberg Wants Universal Income

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg gave the commencement speech at Harvard recently.  In the speech, he called for universal income, or in other words, everyone is guaranteed a living, no matter what, no questions asked.

“Every generation expands its definition of equality. Now it’s time for our generation to define a new social contract,” Zuckerberg said during his speech. “We should have a society that measures progress not by economic metrics like GDP but by how many of us have a role we find meaningful. We should explore ideas like universal basic income to make sure everyone has a cushion to try new ideas.”

Zuckerberg said that, because he knew he had a safety net if projects like Facebook had failed, he was confident enough to continue on without fear of failing. Others, he said, such as children who need to support households instead of poking away on computers learning how to code, don’t have the foundation Zuckerberg had. Universal basic income would provide that sort of cushion, Zuckerberg argued.

My complaints:

#1 – The Zuckster is selling himself short.  Sure, he has a point.  He came from a family that had money, not like gazillionaire money, but his father was a dentist, meaning that had the Zuckmeister fallen flat on his face in the early day of his Facebook venture, he could have moved back in with Mom and Dad until he found a way to turn things around.  Sure, he never had to worry about the possibility of ever being homeless.  However, he did take risks – risks that, had they not panned out, would have left his life significantly crappier.  After all, the kid had been accepted to Harvard and getting the chance to study at an Ivy League college is rare.  He would have definitely achieved success had he graduated from Harvard, but he took a gamble and left Harvard early to work on Facebook.  Had Facebook flopped, he’d of become that idiot sponging off his parents into his thirties, kicking himself for not finishing Harvard.

#2 – MotherZucker sells himself short again.  Yes, while growing up, he was able to focus on learning how to code because he came from a stable household where he didn’t have to worry about money or bad things happening.  However, there are many children in stable households who just spend their time on video games.  He pushed himself.  It paid off.

#3 – I have a hard time figuring out the difference between “Universal Income” and the myriad of state and federal welfare/public assistance programs we have now.  My understanding of Universal Income is that everyone gets a check.  Everyone.  Warren Buffet gets a check.  The guy giving handies in a bus station bathroom for pocket change gets a check.  I mean, I’m a pull yourself up by the boot straps guy, one who, if you complain to me of your failures, I’m most likely going to ask you to take a look at yourself and what you can change before we get into all the people around you that you are blaming.  That being said, it just seems wasteful to give money to people who are doing well.  The ultimate goal has to be to get everyone who can work a decent, satisfying job commensurate with their skill levels and then we, as a society, get together and fund public assistance programs for those unable to support themselves.  I don’t want someone who can’t work to end up in the gutter, but what would be the point of sending money to people who already have money?

#4 – Carrying on with point #3, if you split the difference and give assistance to those who need it and not to those who don’t need it, is that not what we are doing now?  Is this just about swapping the word “welfare” for a more PC word like “Universal Income?”

#5 – Zuck should put his money where his mouth is.  The kid is richer than Richie Rich on steroids and has been since his early freaking 20s.  An Internet search puts his wealth at 61.9 billion dollars.  In his speech, he lamented that it isn’t fair that people like him get to make so much money while others make so little.  Look, Zuckerberg, if you’re really crying yourself to sleep over this, the fix is simple:

  • Go out right now and cut checks literally millions of people.  You could provide life changing sums of money to people all across America and never really see much of a change in your daily lifestyle.
  • Don’t even go whole hog.  Pick 1,000 at risk youths and guarantee them $50,000 a year for the rest of their lives.  Commission a study how lifting them out of poverty helped to keep them on the straight path, out of the criminal justice system and so on.
  • Cash out your 61.9 billion, put the cash into a truck, pull up to a random homeless person on the street and give him the keys to the truck.

Until he does this, it just seems like petty virtue signaling.  “I want to say things that sound really nice so people will like me and use my dumb website to share photos of their lunch but I don’t actually want to take any actual action myself on it.”

And before you hit me with, “Zuckerberg donates a lot of money to charity” I’ll admit, yes, I’m sure he does.  But, if he’s really all that riddled with guilt about how much money he makes and how little others make, the fix is simple.  His company makes so much money that he could donate 60.9 billion dollars to the poor and keep one billion for himself and still be a billionaire.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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