Look, I don’t want to cause any trouble but if you ask me your girlfriend and her brother seem just a little bit too uh…close, if you catch my drift.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might be Cersei Lannister:
10. She keeps it in the family…and we’re not talking about money. We’re talking about the royal boo-tay.
9. She and her brother always have some excuse to be alone together. And then whenever you walk in on them unannounced, they immediately start buttoning up their clothes and shout, “We weren’t humping!”
Which is odd because if they weren’t humping why would they feel the need to tell you that they weren’t humping?
If you ask me, a brother and sister trying to cover up their illicit humping might actually go out of their way to inform you that they weren’t humping just to cover their tracks.
Confusing, I know, but Cersei is crafty so you have to be on the ball to catch her in the midst of a brother hump.
8. Speaking of craftiness, she is convinced that her life would be a hundred times better if she had been born with a penis. She believes she’s cunning and intelligent and if it weren’t for the lowly status of women in this fantasy realm, she’d be kicking ass and taking names thanks to her penis.
I’m just going to throw it out there. I’ve met a few women who were convinced that but for a penis, they’d be like the rulers of the world and no…I’m sorry. Maybe that was true fifty years ago but a penis just isn’t worth as much as it used to be.
Penis value deflation is a bitch. Talk to your local penile economics expert for more information.
7. And while we are on this subject, she really isn’t as crafty as she thinks she is. She is always plotting schemes and then the schemes always blow up in her face, leaving her in trouble, or in the custody of a religious zealot or some shit.
7. But let’s face it. She’s hot so you put up with a lot of bullshit. You certainly wouldn’t stay in a relationship with a stuck-up conceited brother humper if she were ugly, would you?
You would? You are a better man than I, sir.
6. Besides being a brother humper she’s also a cousin humper. Cousin Lancel? Are you freaking kidding me?
Look, disgusting and immoral as it is, at least Jaime Lannister is the most handsome and skilled knight in the entire realm. You could almost make an argument that Cersei wasn’t able to help herself.
But Lancel? Shit, that girl is a freak who is hung up on getting busy with her relatives and her ass needs to get to a medieval shrink posthaste.
5. Hey, I’m all for women’s rights and female empowerment. But Cersei is one of those chicks who’s all like, “Women’s rights! Whatever a man can do I can do better!” and then the second the shit hits the fan she looks to her father to bail her out with his money and then humps her brother and/or cousin if her brother isn’t available.
4. She’s kind of like the worst friend in your group. Every group of friends has the worst friend. She’s the one that everyone hates and no one wants to invite to shit but you keep doing it because she’s been around so long that everyone is used to her and oddy enough, even though she’s totally the worst you’d still miss her.
3. Walks the walk of shame like a champ. Hollywood’s ability to superimpose her head on a stunt naked lady is impressive…a real breakthrough in the field of hot chick head splicing on hot chick body technology. Real advanced CGI stuff.
2. Your kids look nothing like you…but they all bear a striking resemblance to…her brother!
- Like a dummy, you pull a Ned Stark and tell her you’re going to expose her brother humpery. Bad move. Off with your head. (What, too soon?)