I Speak for the Pangolin
By: Bookshelf Q. Battler
(Based on The Lorax)
My name is BQB and I speak for the pangolin.
It’s like an anteater, complete with battle armor for skin.
And people, I have to say, it’s really quite suspicious,
That anyone would ever find a pangolin to be delicious.
Yes! My name is BQB and I speak for the pangolin.
It’s like an armadillo, but with a slimy little chin.
My friends, I tell you, it really is a sin,
When you’re cooking a pot of soup, to throw a pangolin in!
Pangolins are not delicious. They do not taste good.
All a pangolin ever wanted to do was frolic in the wood.
If you eat a pangolin, you will get the entire world sick.
So please don’t eat a pangolin, or else you’ll be a dick.
Every pangolin has a purpose, and every pangolin has its time.
So eating a pangolin sandwich really should be a crime.
Pangolins don’t taste good in broth and they don’t taste good on toast.
Eating a poor, defenseless pangolin is something about which one should never boast.
So don’t lick pangolin ice cream and don’t spread pangolin jelly.
For the last place a pangolin wants to be is inside a human’s belly.
Yes! My name is BQB and I speak for all the pangolins of the world.
Please heed my warning, and let my message be unfurled.
Pangolins have no place in your stomach, but you can keep them in your heart.
From a distance, of course, for you and a pangolin should always be apart.
Sure, pangolins are adorable, but remember, they aren’t good for licking.
So keep your tongue in your mouth, or it’s the world’s ass you’ll be kicking.
Keep the pangolin off your pizza and take the pangolin out of your oven.
Pangolins aren’t a treat, ya know, so don’t feed one to your cousin.
Don’t grind a pangolin in your blender and don’t bake a pangolin up in a souffle.
If you do, you’ll send the entire planet on a bender and there will surely be hell to pay.
For pangolins are unclean and are scary little disease carriers.
If God wanted you to eat a pangolin, he wouldn’t have covered their bods with spiny little barriers.
In closing, let me say, that I am BQB and I speak for the pangolin.
If the pangolin could speak, then I would go out tango-in.
If the pangolin could speak, they’d say, “Please, do not eat me!”
But until the pangolin can speak, you’ll have to take it from BQB.