I Speak for the Bat
(The Long Awaited Follow-up to I Speak for the Pangolin)
By: Bookshelf Q. Battler
Based on the Lorax
My name is BQB and I speak for the bat.
I don’t speak for the cat or the rat.
I speak for flying rodents.
For it’s the decent thing to do,
To make sure you’re not eating a winged hamster,
Covered in guano poo poo.
Yes! My name is BQB and I speak for the bat.
They’re tiny and small and have wings that go flap, flap, flap, flap.
Bats have no place in your stew and don’t belong in your pot.
If you’re sticking a bat in your mouth at this moment, I am begging you to stop.
Bats do not taste like candy. Bats do not taste like chicken.
If you pack a bat for your lunch, it’s the entire world that you will sicken.
Bats don’t taste good with hot sauce and they don’t taste good with ranch dressing.
Eating bats leads to worldwide quarantines, and that’s a state of life that’s oh, so very depressing.
Bats belong in the sky. They don’t belong in your deep frier.
Eating bats can spread disease, not to mention turn you into a vampire.
Don’t ever put a bat on your spatula,
Or else you’ll end up like Dracula.
Don’t put a bat in your deep frier.
Trust me, for I am not a liar.
Hey! I am BQB and I speak for the bat.
Bats don’t belong in your Happy Meal.
How many times must I tell you that?
Bats were born to flutter,
Not to be slathered up with peanut butter.
Am I really going much too far,
When I remind you to never eat an animal that can navigate via sonar?
Bats have no place in your fondue and should never be in your microwave.
When you are free of bat dinner, what will you do? I know! Go dance in a rave!
Bats are smelly and dirty and are like little blood sucking psychotics.
Eating them will unleash a global plague that can’t be cured by common antibiotics.
So please, I’m asking you to never eat a bat.
You’ll get the world sick, and the economy will go splat.
In closing, I say that I am BQB and I speak for the bat.
Bats belong in caves. It’s their natural habitat.
Bats don’t belong in a face.
It’s just common sense.
So save the human race,
Before we all become past tense.