Daily Archives: May 1, 2022

Movie Review – Uncharted (2022)

Grab your treasure map, 3.5 readers. It’s time to chart a course to…mediocrity.

BQB here with a review of the treasure hunting tour de force (farce?) that is Uncharted.

Movies based on video games are often hit or miss and frankly, more miss than hit. I can’t really recall a game based movie that was a hit. A better movie historian than I might know of one and I feel like there must have been one but ultimately, what works as a collection of cut scenes between parts of a game where players make stuff blow up rarely translates to the big screen.

This is ironic as most gamers, myself included, have always agreed that Uncharted is one of the most cinematic films ever made. For the uninitiated, the games follow snarky treasure hunter Nathan Drake, a descendant of famed explorer and Queen Elizabeth love interest Sir Francis Drake. With the help of surly old pilot Sully, he travels the world in search of history’s greatest piles of long lost loot, often getting shot at by villains who want it more than he does. As a gamer, you get to shoot back, jump across ravines and hope you don’t fall in, climb up wreckage before it falls off a cliff and so on.

Sadly, the film version loses a lot in translation. Mark Wahlberg’s Sully isn’t grumpy or surly but is greedy, a scumbag who cares about gold more than people. He has a heart in there somewhere but whether he will let his lust for wealth get the better of him is his challenge. Villain Antonio Banderas…sigh…all I can say is he is getting up there in years, but I suppose it happens to the best of us. He is an average villain as villains go.

There’s a hot babe who likes to stab people and another hot babe who joins Sully and Nate. I can’t remember their names. I don’t think they added much to the movie other than they were hot and the one stabby hot one stabbed people in creative ways.

Tom Holland is given a chance to shine outside of his best known Spiderman role. I think the question we viewers had was can he play someone other than Spidey. Turns out he can. You’re able to view him as someone other than Peter Parker though in the games, Drake’s character was more of a handsome ne’er-do-well while Holland still has that aw shucks nerd appeal though he tries to lose it here.

While it is a fun romp, it doesn’t quite live up to the games. Though it comes out big time, and I mean big time at the end, much of the film is devoid of stuff you’d want to see in a treasure hunting movie, like wandering through jungles and tombs and catacombs and so on. I’ll give the film credit and admit the end is a visually stunning thrill ride but the ride toward it is a bit of a snoozer.

Holland does great but I think was ultimately miscast in the role, as was Wahlberg. Again, if you’ve never played the games, imagine a young, full of himself Robert Downey Jr. being flown around the world by an angry wiseacre grandpa. It was a buddy duo that worked in the game but doesn’t work in a movie where both characters want to be the cool leading man guy.

Also, the film kind of just glosses over Drake being an ancestor of Sir Francis Drake. I don’t think they ever even explain who Sir Francis was, and the modern day Drake’s ancestry was a fun part of the games. Weird how every Batman movie needs to devote at least a half hour or more to the Waynes’ untimely demise outside a movie theater but no one thought to add a five minute scene about how the main character is a distant descendant of a world famous explorer.

STATUS: It’s ok. A bit of a bummer because if there was ever a game begging to be turned into a movie, it was Uncharted. I’ll admit that making a treasure hunter movie in today’s modern times is a hill so steep one wonders if climbing it is worth the effort. Today’s modern audiences are more aware than ever that treasure hunters are basically just thieves who travel the world stealing another culture’s precious wealth and relics and all those booby traps the hunters have to dodge are just the ancient equivalent of an alarm system. Don’t you lock your doors and turn on your alarm to protect your stuff? Well, ancient people did that too. (By the way the film also distinctly lacks any good booby trap scenes, a must have in a treasure hunter movie.)

Is it shelf-worthy? Barely. It could have been better. It looks like sequels are planned. Though I like Tom Holland, I think the movie rests heavily on Holland’s fame and charm and if Hollywood had put some thought into it, they could have made some great flicks here. Then again, maybe not. After all, no one roots for a treasure hunter anymore. Why do you think Hollywood hasn’t put out any recent Indy reboots when they’ve rebooted everything else?

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Movie Review – Ambulance (2022)

Woo woo. Boom boom. Vroom vroom. Kapowie zowie!

Oh sorry, I just gave away the entire plot to this stink bomb.

BQB here with a review of the Michael Bay schlockfest, Ambulance.

This movie is a bimbo. Pretty face. Long hair. Great eyes. Jumbo cans. Terrific tucas. A sweet set of getaway sticks.

Ah, but alas, when she speaks, you realize if you marry her you’d be spending half your life reminding her to not look up with her mouth open whenever it rains so she doesn’t drown. Seriously, who has that kind of time?

The trailers looked awesome and I wanted to see it for months…you know, not unlike how when an uber hottie slides into your DMs and you look forward to your first date only to meet her in person and learn that she spent so much time on her looks that she can’t count to twenty without taking her shoes off.

Thus is the problem with this flick. It’s all razzle but no dazzle. All hat but no cattle. It has a bangin’ bod but can’t read.

I should have known. This is Michael Bay’s MO, though in his long line of movies that are high on kabooms but leave no room for wacky things like deep, meaningful character introspection or plot development, this has to be the worst offender.

Down on his luck dad Will (Yahya Abdul Mateen II), having been given the runaround from his insurance company only to learn there is no way for him to pay for his son’s desperately needed yet terribly expensive surgery, visits his adopted brother Danny (Jake Gyllenhaal). He’s hoping for a loan but instead gets a job, a bank heist job, a trip into a world of crime he had long escaped from, having broken away from his sibling years earlier for fear that Danny’s criminal ways would drag him down.

Naturally, the heist goes awry, leaving Danny and Will the only survivors of a shootout with the police. They hijack an ambulance hoping it will give them the cover they need to get around police roadblocks, only to discover a badly wounded police officer in the back. This leaves EMT Cam (Eiza Gonzalez) in the unenviable position of having to save a gunshot victim’s life while being a hostage trapped in a high speed chase.

Could I, as a noble viewer, have suspended disbelief? Sure. Half the time, that is the job of a noble viewer, after all. No one wants to see real life in the movies. No one wants to see a movie about an accountant who suffers from hemorrhoids whose kids hate him and who eats cookies in front of the tv all night and can’t bring himself to challenge his wife about her emotional affair with a coworker because at this point in his life it would just be too exhausting to divide up all the stuff.

So yes, I can pretend like it would be possible for an EMT to perform a life saving bullet extraction in an ambulance being driven at high speeds, being rocked by bullets and crashes and so on. I can believe that the LAPD wouldn’t have smashed this thing off the road within five minutes.

What I can’t believe in is the virtually non-existent plot and lackluster character development. Every character is a cheap cookie-cutter cutout, a gimmick and a few hacky one-liners. Garret Dillahunt is an undercover cop who joins the chase with a comically large dog in his backseat. Olivia Stambouliah is a cop with big hair who worries about things being caught in it. A latino gang that gets involved calls everyone vato every five seconds. A gay FBI agent in charge of LA’s anti-bank robbery division comes into the chase mid-way and seems to only exist to provide expository details of Danny’s past. One wonders how the top FBI agent against bank robberies in the area went through half his day without hearing about this absurdly dangerous bank robbery. Also, for some reason he reminds everyone he is gay every five minutes. Yeah, I know, maybe it’s wrong to wonder why a gay character reminds everyone he is gay for five minutes when hetero people remind everyone they are straight every two minutes but it really feels like Bay is doing this to point out that he has a gay character in the film. Subtlety has never been Bay’s strong suit, such that he is one step away from having the gay FBI agent shout out during a shootout, “Hey everyone! Just a reminder! I’m a big fan of the penis! OK back to shooting at the bad guys now! Pew! Pew!”

Meanwhile, EMT Cam was almost a doctor but was thrown out of med school for speed addiction. We never learn why she wasn’t thrown out of EMT for speed addiction. Apparently, it is ok to be an EMT on speed. Danny’s criminal enterprise largely consists of a warehouse full of fast cars.

And it goes on and on like this. I get it. This is an action flick. But even the cheesiest action flicks give us a reason to care. This movie just feels like Bay played an expensive game of toy car crash em up, like how little boys bonk their toy cars together then go have milk and cookies except when they do this it doesn’t cost millions of dollars.

Irony is the critics seem to dig it. I wouldn’t think they would but I rarely agree with them. A quarter of the way into the movie I found myself checking my phone and puttering around the house to do busy work. Such is the sign of a bad movie when you are like, “yeah, yeah I get the gist but I’m not going to miss anything if I turn my back for a few minutes to do the dishes and fold the laundry.”

Weird. More explosions and crashes than a Beirut backyard barbecue and yet I lost interest. Critics seem to enjoy it as a roller coaster ride. In that case, I can see it and maybe it would have been better on the big screen, away from all my household chores. Even so, I say if a movie can’t keep me from my chores than it has failed.

STATUS: Borderline shelf-worthy but very borderline. I can’t say I’d watch it again. I wouldn’t rent it or pay money for it, but when it comes to your favorite streaming service, you might put it on so you can be moderately amused while you sweep the floor and finish your ironing.

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