Category Archives: A Guide to the Bookshelf Battleverse

If you’re just tuning in…

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I’ve gotten a lot of new blog followers over the summer and it dawns on me that sometimes the point of this blog isn’t clear.

So here goes:

I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler and this blog is Bookshelf Battle, a chronicle of my experiences as a world renowned poindexter, epic nerdventurer, reviewer of pop cultural happenings, champion yeti fighter, and most importantly, caretaker of a magic bookshelf.

Wow that’s a lot.  But wait. There’s more.

I’m not sure why, but my magic bookshelf tends to drag a lot of craziness into my life.

Is it the bookshelf’s fault? Is it just a coincidence? I don’t know.

At any rate, about a year into blogging I was notified by an alien dictator known as the Mighty Potentate that I am his chosen one.  The MP, you see, despises reality television and therefore believes I am the writer who will one day publish a novel so finely crafted that it convinces the masses to abandon all TV shows where cameras follow dullards around for no reason.

If I don’t put that novel out before I croak, the Mighty Potentate will conquer the earth.

Gotta be honest…that’s a lot of pressure.  I try not to think about it.

In the meantime, the Mighty Potentate has dispatched his second-in-command, Alien Jones, to watch over me, keep me safe, give me guidance and so forth.  He usually writes an “Ask the Alien” column where readers can ask him questions but he has been rather busy with his intergalactic duties this year.

I live in East Randomtown, USA, a terrible place full of dumb dummies.  I’m actually considered one of the town’s top citizens because I started a blog that attracts the attention of 3.5 readers. One of my readers is Aunt Gertie.

FYI – this blog never gets more than 3.5 readers.  I don’t understand it.

Regular columnists include:

  • “You Can’t Argue with Science” with Dr. Hugo Von Science
  • “Stop Sucking” with Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio
  • Search Engine Optimized Poet
  • The Astounding Nerdstradamus
  • “Things That Really Frost My Ass” with Uncle Hardass
  • “Things I Worry About” with Lloyd Bunson, Professional Worrier

My archnemesis is the Yeti, an international war criminal/fuzzy monster hellbent on bringing down this blog because it is too interesting and yetis want the world to be boring.

I’m also at odds with Leo McKoy, town barfly who achieved great fame in East Randomtown when he delivered a sandwich to 1990s teen heartthrob James Van Der Beek.

McKoy is actually running against me for the position of East Randtomtown Mayor, a position I hold as our last mayor was devoured by zombies during a zombie apocalypse.

This year, I have been focusing on writing books, though my columnists stop in from time to time.

I review movies often.  Ironically, I rarely review a book anymore which sucks because, you know, you’d think I would given the blog’s title.  That was actually the initial point of the blog to begin with.

Meanwhile, my pop culture detective Jake Dashing continues to file reports on the most vexing questions circulating about the entertainment industry.  His love interest is my attorney, Delilah K. Donnelly, who thankfully lowers herself to advise me on legal and business issues surrounding my bloggery.

Last but not least, I live in BQB HQ with the two most valuable members of the BQB organization: my main squeeze, Video Game Rack Fighter, and my trusty philosopher pooch, Bookshelf Q. Battledog.

There you have it. If you are a new member of the 3.5 readers club, you are all caught up.

 

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A Guide to the Bookshelf Battleverse

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Our humble poindexter’s life is so vastly complicated that everything you need to know to avoid confusion has been laid out before you as follows:

Part 1 – Bookshelf Q. Battler, the 3.5 Readers and the Magic Bookshelf – or, the Head Nerd in Charge, the people who waste their time on his schlock, and the mystical piece of office furniture that makes his life interesting.

Part 2 – The Magic Bookshelf Characters – aka the little people who are eating BQB out of house and home, when they aren’t trying to blow it up.

Part 3 – BQB’s Family and BQB HQ – Where BQB hangs his hat and the people (and dog) most welcome there.

Part 4 – The Aliens – The Mighty Potentate who has declared that Earth’s fate rests on BQB’s writing career (sorry, Earth) and Alien Jones, the being dispatched by the Potent One to watch BQB’s back.

Part 5 – The Villains – A yeti, a mad scientist, and an angry blonde chick walk into a bar…

Part 6 – The Funky Hunks – Your mom’s favorite rap duo.

Part 7 – Pop Culture Mysteries – BQB’s spinoff blog, which you should check out at popculturemysteries.com

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A Guide to the Bookshelf Battleverse – Part 7 – Pop Culture Mysteries

Just as Cheers begat Frasier and Friends begat Joey, so too did the Bookshelf Battle Blog begat Pop Culture Mysteries.

You wish your blog had a spinoff.

DELILAH K. DONNELLY

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Attorney Delilah K. Donnelly of the Los Angeles based law firm of Donnelly and Associates is considered one of the finest lawyers in Hollywood, known for her ability to make impossible deals happen and free even the most guilty looking suspects.  Needless to say, her services cost a pretty penny.

Thus, it’s a mystery as to why she voluntarily serves as Lead Counsel for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, holding BQB’s hand in all murky matters and acting as the rock he needs to lean on when times get tough.

A woman of perfect poise and posture, elegance, class, and refinement, she carries herself in an old fashioned manner, though she gets along just fine in modern times, eating most men who cross her for breakfast with a cunning quip.

Intensely guarded when it comes to her personal life, BQB is fully aware of how lucky he is to have such high caliber representation for a website with only 3.5 readers.

JAKE DASHING

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One of the most infamous lawmen of the twentieth century, Jacob R. Dashing left his hometown of Bayonne, NJ at age 18 with his then girlfriend, Hettie May Blodgett.  The young couple made their way to Tinseltown with stars in their eyes and dreams of fame in their hearts.

Dashing wanted to be an actor, Hettie a singer.  Since Dashing became a drunk and Hettie went on to become legendary Jazz singer Peaches LeMay, the deal worked out a bit better for his better half.

A budding career as a boxer was cut short when Mugsy McGillicuddy’s gang forced him to take a dive lest Peaches sleep with the fishes.

The Jersey Jabber” sought redemption and found it during World War II, when he was recruited for a top secret mission to punch Adolf Hitler in the face.

Through Attorney Donnelly, BQB and Dashing are currently in negotiations regarding the production of a novel based on Operation Fuhrerpunschen.

Such a move may be risky, as there are forces who would prefer to see the details of this mission stay buried.

Following WWII, Jake found employment with the LAPD, rising to the level of detective, and later became a private investigator.

His three ex-wives include:

  • Trixie, who slept with Jake’s partner, Mickey, but insisted she was fooled.  Since she wasn’t the brightest bulb, her claim wasn’t that far fetched.
  • Muffy, who shot Jake six times, but loved him enough to miss every vital organ.
  • Connie, who was the most loyal woman Jake ever knew, but alas he drove her away with his booze addiction.

POP CULTURE MYSTERIES

In 1954, Jake fell asleep at his desk.  When he woke up, it was 2014.  The Tsang family, who considered him an honorary member, took care of him for close to sixty years while he was dozing.

Cell phones.  Computers.  Color TV.  Women wearing pants and acting like they own the joint.  2014 was not a world that Jake recognized, and he began searching for answers.  Why did he sleep for nearly sixty years and was it possible to return to his own time?

A year later, in the summer of 2015, Delilah K. Donnelly walked into Jake’s office, offering answers…for a price.

Her client, Bookshelf Q. Battler, claimed to have the answers Jake was looking for, and would reveal him in exchange for Jake’s agreement to solve one hundred pop culture mysteries.

The notorious lawman felt a bit silly taking on questions as foolish as “What happened to the original Brady Bunch spouses?” but decided it was worth it if it would get him back to the 1950s.

Like most hardboiled noir style private detectives, Jake is prone to speaking in long, exaggerated monologues.

To date, BQB and Jake have never met.  Attorney Donnelly delivers BQB’s pop culture questions to Jake out of an entirely astute fear that Jake will just strangle the shit out of him until he makes with the answers.

Remember, 3.5 readers.  Many bloggers claim to be great, but only Bookshelf Q. Battler has pissed off a trained Nazi killer/boxer/detective for your personal amusement.

Keep that shit in mind when you’re doling out the leibsters, nerds.

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