Conspiracy. Alien plots. Lizard people. You gotta check out this book, 3.5 readers.
Conspiracy. Alien plots. Lizard people. You gotta check out this book, 3.5 readers.
Hey 3.5 readers.
Your old pal BQB here.
Do you want a FREE BOOK?
No, you don’t. OK. Don’t worry then.
Oh, wait. You do? Cool. Because this FREE BOOK is FREE so go get it.
Are you intrigued by conspiracy theories? So is Harry Blanding. This wacky, crazy old vagrant shows up at a subway stop every day, shouting out absurd claims about aliens, UFOs, Bigfoot, Russian spies and more.
Most write him off as a performance artist with a twisted sense of humor…but one particular government agency that may or may not exist is not laughing.
In conclusion, this book is FREE and really, noble reader, how often do you get something for FREE? You should get this FREE book for FREE right now.
Here come the Men in Black…galaxy defenders.
Sorry. That’s so 1990s.
BQB here with a review of the latest MIB film.
I’m not sure if this counts as reboot. If anything, it must be a sequel. I assume the past adventures of Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones from the originals are still in MIB’s history logs, but now, new characters are going on new adventures.
In this rendition, Agent M (Tessa Thompson) is a rookie, and a non-traditional one at that. While most MIB agents are recruited, she finds the agency on her own. As a child, she had an alien encounter and has ever since dreamed of joining the mysterious, clandestine alien investigation organization.
Long story short, the agency gives her a shot and pairs her with Agent H (Chris Hemsworth) of the London bureau. Together, they trot the globe, aiming to unravel a complex plot that involves the member of an alien royal family, shape shifting aliens, an arms dealer who literally has a lot of arms (Rebecca Ferguson) and, horror or horros, a mole inside MIB. Add in a diminutive sidekick voiced by Kumail Nanjiani for good measure. Liam Neeson and Emma Thompson stop by as MIB higher ups.
Naturally, there are social justice updates, which is ironic because MIB was always one of the more woke franchises to come out of the 90s. Agent J was, after all, played by Will Smith, who rapped the infamous theme song and he and K were eventually joined by a female agent. In this go around, the title of the organization is questioned. Why are Men in Black? Why aren’t they People in Black? Funny, Dark Phoenix asked the same question about the X-Men. I suppose we should start looking for People in Black or X-People movies soon.
Anyway, I’d heard some bad reviews but I don’t agree. It was a good installment and honestly, I did think Men In Black 3 from 2012 kinda sucked, thus showing signs that the franchise was in need of an overhaul if it was to continue. Also good to see Hemsworth and Thompson working together again, since they first appeared together in Thor: Ragnarok.
If aliens ever arrive on Earth, will their intentions be good or evil?
Such is the question that plagues the United Nations when an alien race called, the “Kanamits” land on our home world.
They’re nine feet tall. They have big heads to house their big brains. They speak through their minds rather than their mouths…and they swear their only purpose is in coming to Earth is to serve man.
In fact, they offer new technology. Specifically, they offer a method of making soil more fertile and can even turn desert wastelands into fertile fields full of crops.
Huh. Is it me or are these intergalactic travelers really concerned with making sure that humans have enough to eat?
Lloyd Bochner stars as Michael Chambers, the government translator assigned to decipher a book left behind on a table by the alien ambassador. Does it hold any secrets? Can these aliens be taken at their word? Do they have more sinister intentions in mind?
And why do they want to make sure all the humans get fed? Hmm…curious.
This episode is one of this show’s best, containing a line that serves not only a twist but also as a piece of pop culture history that has been parodied and paid homage to over the years. Further, it sets in stone that time honored sci-fi trope, namely, that if aliens come bearing gift horses, said horses’ mouths should be checked thoroughly.
Your butt. You must protect it from danger at all times.
Has your butt been probed by aliens from another world?
By: Alien Jones, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Intergalactic Correspondent
Dearest Mighty Potentate,
Good day, oh Mightiest of Potentates! May good fortunes flow through your ganderflazer and out your wizzamazoo. May your empire stretch far and wide throughout the cosmos and may all hail the Mighty Potentate lest the grim fate of vaporization fall upon them like a dark cloud spreading over a misty valley.
Oh, Great Potent One, I am pleased to inform you that the chosen one, Bookshelf Q. Battler, has recently published a book on Amazon entitled, “Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts.”
At the time of this writing, BQB has given away seventy free copies and not all of those copies were downloaded by his beloved Aunt Gertie. OK, sixty-nine were downloaded by Aunt Gertie and I downloaded one by accident while I was looking for a copy of “50 Shades of Gray” for purely scientific purposes, i.e. in furtherance of my studies into human mating habits. Do you know that the more money the male of the species the more likely the female is to engage in degrading and even humiliating activities? Fascinating. If I had genitalia, I would be aroused.
But I digress. Mighty Potentate, I beseech you to release me from my burden of being BQB’s advisor/protector. Keeping this nerd safe is a daily grind, what with all of the zombies, werewolves, vampires, chupacabras and ill-tempered hipsters chasing him at all times.
Plus, I must say, and I rarely say complimentary things about BQB, but this book is not bad. It contains 101 ideas to help writers write. So, if this book doesn’t inspire the masses to drop the reality television that you despise so much, perhaps at the very least it will inspire a future author to write such a book…just as soon as someone who isn’t Aunt Gertie or yours truly downloads it.
In conclusion, please relieve me of BQB duty immediately so that I may pursue more interesting endeavors in the deep reaches of space. Plus, I hear a new taco stand has opened up in the Gagalaga Quadrant. I’d really like to hit that joint up. I could even bring you back some space taco num nums, oh Great One.
Your Humble and Obedient Servant,
Zzzz. Zzzz. Zzzz.
That’s my impression of myself sleeping through this boring poopfest.
Sigh, let’s get it over with. BQB here with a review of Alien: Covenant.
Does Ridley Scott even make movies for the audience anymore? Sometimes I think they might just be for his own philosophical, navel gazing purposes.
In the original Alien (1979) we saw Sigourney Weaver play space traveler Ripley, taking out aliens with a flamethrower. Flash forward 38 years and we’ve got friggin melancholy androids waxing poetic about their feelings and beside themselves with ennui.
The first few Alien films were great because they were essentially horror films set in space. In fact, I caught a clip of an interview recently where Scott said something to the effect that the first film was essentially setting up a haunted house in the form of a spaceship, turning a monster lose in the form of an alien and seeing who makes it out alive.
Alas, now we get films that you practically have to be a philosophy major to understand.
Ironically, 2012’s Prometheus was panned by the critics, arguing it was heavy on the thinking and light on the action. Personally, I liked it and the questions it asked about the universe, creation, the meaning of life, our place and purpose and so on.
However, I had hoped this film would be a return to form (i.e. give us someone else to shoot a flame thrower at those damn aliens) but sadly, no. More navel gazing.
In this go around, a ship named the Covenant carries a crew full of colonists in search of a new home world. They land on what they hope will be their new home but…blah blah blah, they become lunch instead.
Sure, the xenomorphs are given free reign to snack on the humans. However, most of the human vs. alien scenes are predictable if you’ve ever seen any of the previous films.
Bottomline: if you see a dude coughing, you know an alien’s going to pop out of his chest and start attacking everyone. If you see a dude look into a dark hole with a dumb look on his face, you know that face is about to get sucked on by a face sucker.
Those aren’t spoilers. Those are tried and true Alien franchise rules that have been in effect since the Carter administration.
Michael Fassbender brings a certain level of coolness by playing dueling androids David and Walter, a pair of synthetics who have opposing viewpoints about…well, just go watch it.
For the most part, it’s an ensemble cast, mostly filled with newcomers and no-names. Funnyman Danny McBride puts on his serious face as the crew’s pilot, but I keep expecting him to break out into his Kenny Powers persona and whip out his junk, drink a beer and burp or do something else hysterically outrageous. Spoiler alert: he doesn’t, so we can only assume that Danny is trying to expand on his range as a thespian. He does well, though I hope this doesn’t mean an end is coming to his Kenny Powers-ian style characters in the future.
Billy Crudup plays Captain Oram, a by the book dweeb disliked by his crew. We’re lead to think that angle might go somewhere but it doesn’t and ultimately, it’s such a large cast filled with either unrecognizable (never saw them in anything) or vaguely recognizable (I know I’ve seen that face in another film but I have no idea who they are) that none of the characters really get enough screen time to grow, develop, or even become moderately interesting.
If there is a new age Ripley in the movie, it’s Katherine Waterston’s Daniels, a crew member who, umm, uhh…yeah we don’t get to learn much because again, she’s one of a much too large cast. But she has some great scenes where she kicks ass and saves a day and so on.
I really think Scott has to go to his room and think about what he has done and what the future of this franchise should be. Should he return to its “haunted house in space” origins? Tempting but difficult, seeing as how, as stated above, the rules about how these aliens attack have been well known since 1979 so we can spot them coming from a mile away.
Should the franchise continue to expand upon the philosophical “Why are we here?” type questions? Possibly, though frankly, I spend most of my time trying to distract myself from the fact that I’m little more than a tiny, insignificant little gnat stuck to the giant, overreaching windshield of the space-time continuum, so I really don’t need a pair of depressed, ennui laden, morose androids reminding me.
Plotwise, it’s all kind of slapped together and relies on you remembering what happened in Prometheus, which is unrealistic because I can’t remember where I left my car keys half the time. (Wait, let me check the fridge.)
Scott does increase the alien attacks over the last film. But he also continues the philosophical hullaballoo so it seems like he was confused as to whether he wanted a thriller or a thinker, so he tried for both and in the end, scored neither.
I will give the film this. The scenes where Michael Fassbender plays two different versions of himself are great and the technology that can allow an actor to do this has really come a long way.
Otherwise, hold your nose because it’s a big stink-a-roo.
STATUS: I hate to do this. I don’t want to do this. Ridley Scott, why are you making me do this? It’s not shelf-worthy. There, I said it. And that’s not fair, because I have given shittier films shelf-worthy status because I’m a nice guy and I don’t want to be rude but you know, I expected less from those films and more from this one. I really thought this would be good but at best, it was blah. It’s worth a rental but don’t rush out to the theater for it.
I think this might be a sign of what we can only hope will be the end of Hollywood’s never-ending sequel/prequel/reboot obsession. There’s only so many ways to spice up and reheat leftovers before they congeal into a big pile of crap. Sometimes the pizza tastes good the first time and even better cold but then after the third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh return to that box buried in the dark corner of the fridge, the pieces begin to taste stale and dry and hey, is that mold growing on my 38 year old pizza? Whodathunkit?
Someone’s going to be walking funny tomorrow.
Ahh, aliens. Those intergalactic science perverts really do a number on the human heiney don’t they?
What exactly are little green men hoping to discover by shoving their high tech, state of the art devices up human butts? Your guess is as good as mine. At any rate, it’s not like these space weirdoes will leave you a calling card, so if you want to know whether or not your cheeks have been parted in the name of space science, you better consult this fine list.
From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Have Been Probed By Aliens
#10 – Your Butt Hurts
In theory, this could be due to a number of reasons, including by not limited to:
However, if you’ve engaged in none of these activities then yes, it is highly possible that an alien shoved a carefully calibrated human nervous system mapping projectile up your poop chute. I loathe being the one to have to break this unsettling news to you.
#2 – You’re a Drunken Redneck
According to the Fake Institute for Bogus Statistics, Southerners have a 97% higher chance of being butt probed by aliens than the rest of the population. Add too much alcohol into the equation and you’re destined for an intergalactic butt inspection.
Why? Call it discrimination. Call it bias. Call it what you will but whenever Jimmy Bob Bo Jim Jack gets on TV with his best trucker hat and “Honk if You Like Big Titties” shirt with the arms cut off and starts railing about the aliens that abducted him so they could have their way with his butt, people just start laughing and assume it’s the booze talking. Aliens know this and they take full advantage of it to avoid being caught.
Sure, the aliens could abduct and butt probe a boozy Manhattanite, but they’re all so uptight that their instruments usually just snap between their firmly clenched cheeks.
#3 – You Remember Feeling as Thought Multiple People Were Touching You While You Were Asleep but Were Too Tired to Wake Up and Do Anything About It
Maybe you were abducted and butt probed by aliens. Maybe you’re just the average, run of the mill college student. The world may never know.
#4 – Your Butt is Pregnant
You didn’t even have sex. Even more shocking…you’re a man! Congratulations! In nine months, you’ll be the proud father of the spawn that alien scientists inserted up your butt.
#5 – They Left the Probe in Your Butt
Look, not every alien scientist is the intergalactic equivalent of Steven Hawking. Some are lazy. Incompetent. Inept. Some have questionable credentials. Some got their science diplomas through space mail. Some have even been known to leave a probe sticking up the butt of a test subject, much like a meat thermometer stuck in the anal cavity of a Thanksgiving turkey.
At least the turkey gets warm, moist, herb seasoned stuffing shoved up there. By the way, if you find any stuffing up your butt, then maybe you weren’t probed. Maybe someone tried to eat you but changed his mind after deciding you don’t taste good.
#6 – Your Butt Hurts Twice in One Year
Maybe you didn’t learn your lesson about the nacho chili cheese fries with extra hot sauce earlier. Maybe the aliens came back to get a second reading. Again, the world may never know.
#7 – Your Farts Sound Like Electronic Codes
A sure sign that aliens probed you and left behind a microchip that allows your butt to communicate with the mother ship.
#8 – The Aliens Left Behind a Pamphlet
Some of the more considerate aliens have been known to leave behind a pamphlet on the nightstand of their test subjects. It usually reads something like, “So You’ve Been Probed Up the Butt in the Name of Space Science.” Topics include, “It Wasn’t Your Fault” and “Be Proud of the Many Scientific Breakthroughs that Will Occur Thanks to Your Butt Probe.”
#9 – Video Of the Inside of Your Butt Has Appeared on Cable
Not gonna lie. Some aliens sell their probing videos to the highest bidder. Somewhere amongst the thousands of cable channels out there, in depth footage of your Hershey Highway might being aired right now. Boggles the mind, doesn’t it?
#10 – Your Butt Glows in the Dark
Some probes include a homing beacon that will flash, thus allowing the mother ship to spot your butt from space. And you thought your butt was only visible from space because you got off your diet, didn’t you?
Equip your butt with a loud, obnoxious alarm. Hire armed guards to protect your butt as you sleep. Never lie down without putting on a pair of iron underpants secured with a sturdy padlock. Break the key in four pieces and leave each piece in one of the world’s four hemispheres. Really, people. This is just common sense. Protect your butt!
By: Alien Jones, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Intergalactic Correspondent
Greetings Earth losers.
Alien Jones here, only don’t tell anyone I’m here, for I’m deep undercover in the back quarter of Troobalax, posing as a knockoff brassiere purchaser in the hopes of apprehending an intergalactic female undergarment forgery ring. I must say, of all the wild goose chases the Mighty Potentate has sent me on, this one takes the cake. I may have finally found a gig that comes with less respect than babysitting Bookshelf Q. Battler in his ridiculously long quest to publish a novel.
By the way, do you know that there are some alien species that have up to five hundred breasts? That’s a lot of underwire.
Today’s question comes from one of BQB’s 3.5 readers, a Mr. Carlton Stumperfish of East Kramperblatt, South Dakota:
Dear Alien Jones,
How do aliens have sex? Please explain in painstaking, excruciating detail and provide multiple examples if possible. I swear I am only asking for scientific purposes and I’m not pumping a bottle of Jergen’s into my hand as we speak.
One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers
Lies! I can see into your bedroom with my high-powered x-ray telescope and you’re reaching for the motion lotion as we speak. You sir, are not only a pervert but also a liar.
Close your eyes. You don’t deserve to read this information. The rest of you 2.5 readers may gladly read on in the name of sexual science.
A loaded question if there ever was one. First, does my species have sex? No. My beings and I are clones who have evolved past the need for sexual organs. Thus, without the need to constantly find something or someone to hump, we have had plenty of time to pursue a wide variety of subjects, thus making my home planet the most important planet in the universe when it comes to scientific achievement, cultural achievement and so on.
As for other species? Yes. Yes they do it. And how. A sampling of the most interesting sexual practices I’ve encountered in my many years:
All in all, there are 12,034,234,653,827,029,469,235,555,888,999,235,701.5 known sexes in the universe. Kind of makes you humans with your paltry two types of private parts seem like slouches, doesn’t it?
Obviously, that’s too many types of genitals to discuss here, but needless to say, never offer to shake an alien’s hand. Sure you might be shaking a hand or you might be shaking, well…you know.
Now if you’ll excuse me, 3.5 readers, these bra criminals aren’t going to bust themselves. Punny.
Alien Jones is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s intergalactic correspondent, graciously lending the power of his brain to answer your questions.
Ask the Alien a question and he may very well plug your book or blog in his answer. Ask questions in the comments or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle
Together, we can promote self-published material and ween the masses off reality television, a form of entertainment that Alien Jones’ boss, the maniacal alien despot known as “The Mighty Potentate” despises so much that he’s plotting an invasion of Earth just to stop it.
Aliens. Self-indulgent, self-importantce. So much violin music. So, so much violin music.
BQB here with a review of the Oscar nominated, Arrival.
At the outset, it’s a great first contact film. Alien vessels have appeared at different points around the world and linguist Louise Banks (Amy Adams) and scientist Ian Donnelly (Jeremy Renner) have been selected to communicate with the aliens in one craft located in Montana.
A lot of issues that would be likely to occur in a first alien meeting are explored. The aliens don’t understand the humans and vice versa. There are concerns that the aliens might be up to no good. People get scared of the aliens. People worry about alien diseases. People go nuts and cause chaos over alien fears and so on.
The film is clearly in love with itself as every moment is presented as very important, leading up to an ending that is pulled out of its own ass. If you’re a prospective writer who has ever shelved an idea for being too far fetched, get ready to dust it off with the knowledge that this film was nominated for an Oscar for best picture.
And yet, I’m not ragging on it. Since Interstellar, I have appreciated Hollywood’s newfound interest in exploring space in a serious manner, tackling conceivable issues that might arise as mankind seeks out answers regarding what lies beyond Earth.