Category Archives: Movies

Nov 28 2016
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Movies

Movie Review – Bad Santa 2 (2016)

Ho ho holy moly.  I can’t believe they made another one.

BQB here with a review of Bad Santa 2.

OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING.

The year was 2003.  George W. Bush was in the White House, the clubs were playing Fifty Cent’s In Da Club on a continuous loop (which frankly, they should still be doing even today) and a little Christmas comedy movie called Bad Santa turned out to be unexpectedly hysterical.

So naturally, in this age where Hollywood hasn’t had a new idea in awhile, they had to take another dip in the Bad Santa well.

Billy Bob Thornton reprises his role as Willie Stokes aka the worst Santa ever.  His diminutive friend/elf Marcus (Tony Cox) is out on parole after double crossing Willie in the original film, but now he’s back and recruits Willie to go on a new Christmas heist.

Even worse, Willie’s foul mouthed degenerate mother Sunny/Mrs. Claus (Kathy Bates) joins in on the action.

On top of all that, Thurman Merman (Brett Kelly) aka the dumb little kid who befriends Willie in the first film is back and dumber than ever.  He’s all grown up and totally an adult now.

Seeing as how I remember seeing this movie like it was yesterday,  I’m not sure which makes me sadder, that Thurman is an adult or that John Ritter and Bernie Mac, who both had big parts in the original, have since, and to my great dismay, shuffled off this mortal coil.

Time, you son of a bitch.

Back to the review, Christina Hendricks and her enormous boobs replace Lauren Graham of Gilmore Girls fame as Willie’s love interest this go around.

I have to be honest, while Christina’s enormous boobs are truly a spectacle to behold as well as a pair of national treasures, I really do believe she deserves a feature film role that isn’t about her enormous boobs.  Sadly, this isn’t it, though she does make the film worth watching.

The movie has its funny parts as well as a lot of scenes where it is clear the actors are just being called upon to be as gross and disgusting as possible.  As often happens in comedy sequels, the jokes that floored us the first time are repeated and though we’ve come to expect that, they just don’t have the same luster that they did before.

Where the crap did thirteen years go?  Holy shit.  Someone get in a damn time machine and pull me out of the Bad Santa 1 movie theater and explain the series of mistakes I need to avoid in order to not end up as the proprietor of a blog with 3.5 readers in 2016.

Just kidding 3.5 readers.  You know I love you and your seven eyes.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy, but partly because it makes me nostalgic for the original and partly because of Christina Hendricks (I should be clear and say that her boobs do not appear on screen.  Sorry. I know. Spoiler.)  Otherwise, I could take or leave this movie.  If you’re looking for adult themed holiday laughs, this is your movie.  If not, you can wait and rent it next year.

FYI I karate chopped the Yeti in the face just to go see this movie and review it for you, 3.5. You’re welcome.

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Nov 25 2016
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Movies

Movie Review – The Trust (2016)

Hey 3.5 readers. BQB in captivity here. Just sneaking out of my cage and onto the computer while the Yeti takes a nap.

Money! A heist! Lots of Nicolas Cage yelling!

BQB here with a review of The Trust.

I tend to shy away from films that just end up on streaming services without much theater play (I assume this was as I don’t remember it being in the theater) but this one caught my eye so I checked it out.

Believe it or not, millenials, but there was a time when Nicolas Cage was a big box office draw.  The intense eyes, the flaring nostrils, the ability to be serious and/or charming one second only to fly into an intense, scary rage the next…

…eh but now the world just can’t tolerate a leading man with a receding hair line anymore.

And I suppose he has engaged in some wackiness but oh well. That’s neither here nor there.

All I know is you should see The Rock (1996) if you want to see one of the best action films ever made and understand why the dude was a big hit back in the day.

Moving on…

The Trust stars Cage and Elijah Wood as Officers Stone and Waters, two level Las Vegas cops  who learn of a drug operation’s high security vault.

The buddy cops start out slightly bent if not completely crooked but when they learn of this big score, they put their minds to a plan and work it, only to discover what lies inside the vault is nothing what they expected.

Quickly, the level of “trust” the two amigos have long held with one another is shattered and, well, if I tell you much more than there’s no point in streaming it.

I have a hunch the film was written around Cage and Wood, as if they somehow knew they’d like to work together so someone came up with a script.  Both characters seem to have Cage and Wood-like personality traits.  Stone (Cage) is serious and normal one moment, a bundle of rage the next. Wood is a neurotic nerd too crippled by ennui to get his act together.

I mean I’m not saying Wood is crippled by ennui but he has played that type of character before, most recently in that dumb FX sitcom Wilfred where his dog walked around as a human from time to time.

Veteran comedian Jerry Lewis (yup, he’s still alive) has a cameo as Stone’s father, though he doesn’t matter much to the overall movie other than you as the viewer get to go, “Hey, Jerry Lewis is still alive. Good for him.”

It’s low budget and there are some logical leaps but it is interesting to watch the duo plan and carry out their very complex caper.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Find it on Netflix.

Hey, this has been BQB and I’m off to my cage now. Don’t tell the Yeti I was here.  Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @bookshelfbattle if you want to save me from the Yeti’s vile clutches.

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Nov 24 2016
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Movies

Movie Review – Moana (2016)

Water!  Pretty colors!  A stupid chicken!

BQB here with a review of Disney’s Moana.

OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING

The short version is that Moana (Auli’i Cravalho), demigod Maui (The Rock) and Moana’s incredibly dumb pet chicken set sail on a quest to return the island goddess Te Fiti’s heart (in the form of a jade stone) that Maui once stole because he’s kind of a jerkface.

Monsters big and small are fought. Moana’s chicken remains stupid.

Oh and lots of singing.

There’s not much else I can say without giving away the whole thing, but if you’re looking for something to do with the family this Thanksgiving weekend, you can’t go wrong here.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy and though I’m not a fan of 3D, it is worth seeing in 3D due to some awesome animation sequences where all kinds of crazy things happen with water.

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Nov 18 2016
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Movies

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

Hey 3.5

I have nothing for you today other than I am excited for Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

Critics are saying it doesn’t quite have that Harry Potter magic but hey, what does?

Are you going to check it out, 3.5?

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Nov 17 2016
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Movie Trailer – John Wick: Chapter 2 (2017)

Hey 3.5 readers.

2014’s John Wick was such a special, under the radar surprise.  It didn’t get half the play it deserved and really grew just by word of mouth.

I was blown away when I saw it.

How to even explain it?

Very quickly, you, the viewer, are presented with a world where there’s a lot going on, but there isn’t much to bog you down in the way of detailed nuance.

Wick is a legendary hitman who goes into retirement to make his wife happy, only to come out of retirement when a puppy gifted to him by his deceased wife is killed by an epic douche.

Yeah, I know, it sounds like an unlikely plot but it works.

And there are rules. Hitmen use special coins as currency and they can stay at a special hotel where they’re supposed to be safe for the duration of their stay.  And for a certain amount of coins, hitmen can make their victims’ bodies disappear no questions asked.

In other words, there’s a lot of rules but you learn them quickly and easily.

Plus, it was great to see Keanu Reeves in a big lead role again.

Shit, that man is well-preserved.

Anyway, John Wick has been given a second chapter.  My only hope is that this franchise doesn’t get too big for its britches. Sometimes when a movie is an understated success there is a desire to go bigger in the sequel and that doesn’t always necessarily work out.

It was the quick, snappy, clear and concise writing that made the first Wick movie a success, so I hope there’s more of it this go around.

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Nov 16 2016
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Movies

Movie Trailer – Logan (2017)

Hey 3.5 readers.

My look into the 2017 world of movies continues with Logan.

It’s set in a future where mutants are all but gone.  All the X-Men are gone but Logan/Wolverine remains because of his healing powers and shit.

Somehow Professor X still remains.

And somehow Professor X enlists Logan to rescue a girl because, I don’t know, who knows, I assume she’s important or something.

The Wolverine movies have been hit or miss. The one in 2009 sucked. The one that came out a few years later where Wolverine went to Japan and fought samurai and shit was the bomb.

This one looks like it will be good and we can only hope so as it is apparently the last Wolverine movie, or at the very least, the last one where Hugh Jackman will play everyone’s favorite super angry clawed mutant.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Nov 15 2016
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Movie Trailer – Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017)

They’re back and still listening to Star Lord’s mix tape:

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Nov 15 2016
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Movies

Movie Trailer – Ghost in the Shell (2017)

A Scarlett Johansson robot?

Yes please.

When can I order one on Amazon?

BQB here, 3.5 readers and I’m just taking a peak at the Ghost in the Shell trailer, the film based off of the Japanese manga series of the same name.

Looks cool, I suppose for those of you into Japanese cartoons (that’s one nerd trend that never appealed to me but to each their own) this won’t be new to you but it’s new to me and that’s why I dig it, it looks like something fresh, that the general moviegoing public hasn’t seen before (though apparently there was a toon version of the movie in 1995.)

It looks like it has just a hint of Blade Runner influence if you ask me.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Nov 14 2016
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Movies

Beauty and the Beast (2017) – Live Action Remake Trailer

Oh for the love of…

Disney is giving the live action remake treatment to Beauty and the Beast, purported to be the best story of how true love blooms despite what one looks like or don’t judge a book by its cover or what have you…

…but really it is about a French girl whose father is kidnapped by an angry dog man and then the girl trades places with her father and then she develops Stockholm syndrome and falls in love with her captor but really the only reason that love persists is because he gets turned in a handsome prince with a giant ass house and a staff of servants and a shit ton of money.

Honestly, people. You think Belle would get down with a broke ass dog monster man if he was living in a rent controlled section eight government subsidized apartment without two nickels to rub together?

“Hmm let me think if I want to be with this broke ass dog monster man and uh…no!”

Worse, Gaston, oh Gaston, yes you were a braggadocios douche but your heart was in the right place.  You heard that some broad had been kidnapped by a dog monster so you went to save her ass.

Sure, you were only saving her because you thought maybe she’d fall in love with you but stop fooling yourself, ladies, that’s why any man does anything for you. From that guy you always call when you need something heavy lifted to that stranger on the subway who just gave you a piece of gum, every man hopes that the most insignificant little bit of assistance offered to a woman is going to get him laid but oh, oh my God, let’s all be hypocrites and shit on Gaston and cheer when his ass gets thrown off a roof because he wanted to save some dame.

Boo!  Boo!

And yes I’ll probably see it.  Damn it, Disney!  You’ve hoisted me on my own petard and you get my money by making me pay to see a story you’ve already shown me yet again!

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Nov 13 2016
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Movie Review – Shut In (2016)

It’s a diet coke version of The Shining.

Thanks for reading. Have a nice day.

What? Word count too low?

:::rolls eyes:::

Fine!

BQB here with a review of the horror thriller, Shut In.

OBLIGTORY SPOILER WARNING

You know 3.5 readers, I always assumed you all are shut ins.  After all, if you all aren’t a trio and a half of anti-social home dwelling hermits then I have no idea why else you would bother to read this blog.

Moving on…

When her mentally disturbed stepson, Stephen (Charlie Heaton who plays the creepy Jonathan Byers in Stranger Things) is injured in a terrible accident, psychiatrist Mary Portman (Naomi Watts) ends up shut in (hence the title!) her Maine home, spending her days nursing him back to health.

Meanwhile, Mary is also treating another troubled but much younger boy named Tom (Jacob Tremblay) out of her home office.

Blah blah blah. Spooky shit ensues. There’s a ridiculous amount of time wasted as all sorts of hi jinx ensue and you know Mary is in danger but they make you wait forever until finally the other shoe drops.

I’ve always been a Naomi Watts fan and it was good to see her back in action and also with some side nudity.

I know. I’m not supposed to notice such things but oh well.

Between his gig on Stranger Things and now this movie, Charlie Heaton has a lock on creepy teenager roles.

STATUS: Moderately shelf-worthy. Follows every horror movie trope. It felt a bit like a straight to streaming movie (the modern equivalent of straight to video) except Naomi Watts starred so it became theater worthy, but that’s just me talking out of my ass. It’s worth checking out but don’t rush to the theater. Worth a rental or to wait until it is streaming.

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