Imagine it, 3.5 readers.
You’ve been transported into a horror film.
Not just any horror film…a slasher film!
Yes, there’s a murderer on the loose and you and your friends must survive.
Fear not. I have watched many of these movies and I can fully advise you on what NOT to do:
#10 – Don’t Run Upstairs
Hello dummy. You’re upstairs. Now you’re down to two options – 1) jump out a window and die when you hit the ground or b) be gruesomely murdered.
It’s just common sense, people.
#9 – Don’t Be a Dick
Whoever is the douchiest usually gets it first. The audience is eased into the concept that characters are going to be murdered by killing off the person who said and/or did something mean first.
I mean, we don’t want to see anyone murdered on screen but if someone has to, it might as well be that bimbo who stole the female lead’s boyfriend or called her a mean name or something.
#8 – Don’t Neglect Regular Car Maintenance
Get your oil changed. Get your routine maintenance. Replace your fan belt and your fluids. Get your engine checked.
Do not drive to that creepy cabin in the woods before a fully qualified mechanic (and I’m talking someone who takes pride in their work and not that lowlife schmuck at the corner gas station) has inspected and tended to your car.
Otherwise, your car will not start and then you’re just stuck there while the killer is bashing in your windshield.
#7 – Don’t Go Into the Basement
Similar to “don’t go upstairs” except when you’re in the basement, there’s not even a window to jump out of. You’re just stuck in there with the killer, dumb ass.
#6 – Don’t Have Sex
I don’t know why but insane killers always ice people who are humping. I’m no Dr. Freud, but I can only assume that insane killers don’t get a lot of sex and therefore they get angry and lash out at the people who are fornicating first.
#5 – Don’t Take a Shower
Why the eff are you taking a shower when there’s a killer on the loose? How you smell is the least of your worries and your boobs are only being shown for gratuitous boob footage and then once shown your purpose to the audience has been served and the killer will kill you, most likely while you’re still in the shower for easy clean up.
#4 – Don’t Trip
Get yourself a good pair of boots and watch where you’re going so you don’t stumble on a rock or a stick and break your ankle because then all that leads to is you crying and reaching your hand out for the lead character to come back and rescue you and then the lead character is put into the terrible position of deciding whether to save you or save him/herself and since it looks like you are done for he/she will choose him/herself and keep running only to feel terrible for abandoning you later.
#3 – Don’t Forget to Check Real Estate Records
Never trust a real estate agent. Do a full, in-depth investigation of the property you are buying, renting, or otherwise visiting. Search newspapers, county records, talk to the neighbors.
At the very least, get on your iPhone and ask Siri if anyone has been murdered in the house you are buying.
If Siri replies, “Yes, twenty people were murdered in that house, would you like me to do a web search for it?” then don’t buy that house.
#2 – Don’t Split Up
A group of friends that sticks together is a group of friends who can jump a killer and curb stomp him gangster style together.
#1 – Don’t Be Not White
Look, if you read this blog, you know I’m not politically correct at all, but I’ll give the super PC people this one.
Hollywood wants to be diverse so they’ll give the hero a non-white friend so that the studio can be all like, “Hooray we love black people!”
But slasher movies more often than not lead to the hero being the last man/woman standing so sorry but, that black friend is going to buy the farm early in the picture.
So if you are black, I’m not sure how to help you other than maybe do that classic Richard Pryor style nerdy white guy voice and the killer might leave you alone for awhile.
- Don’t go into that dark, creepy shed filled with tools that can be used to bludgeon yourself.
- In fact, wherever “there is” listen to all the people in the audience yelling, “Don’t go in there!”
- If a wise elderly person tells you to do or not do something, then do or don’t do it.
- Don’t get cheap cell phone service. Go with the company that can give you a full slate of bars even when you’re in the woods.
- Don’t investigate strange noises on your own. Honestly. Who do you think you are, Rambo? Call the cops before the killer cuts the phone line.
- Oh right. Don’t be a cop. They always get killed when the hero, who is hiding some where, feels hope because the cop has arrived to investigate but alas, the killer then somehow fools the cop into being killed.
- Don’t be ugly. You can pretty much judge how long everyone in the group has left to live based on their looks.
- Don’t tell anyone your touching life story. That’s usually done to make the audience like you and then feel bad when you get slashed. Keep that shit to yourself.