By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent
Greetings Earth losers!
The magnanimous mind of Alien Jones here, once again bringing you the knowledge required to raise your planet above its current status as the laughing stock of the Milky Way.
Author Marion Stein asks:
Ah, the confusion is understandable. Madam, I do believe you have confused Yoga Jones with…
Don’t worry about it. Happens all the time. While I’m at it, allow me to deny being the relative of:
- Tommy Lee Jones (that craggy faced actor who once told The Fugitive he didn’t care and to put the gun down now.)
- Shirley Jones (Matriarch of The Partridge Family)
- Angus T. Jones (The half-man on the CBS sitcom Two and a Half Men)
- Catherine Zeta-Jones (Welsh actress, ex-wife of Michael Douglas.)
- James Earl Jones (Voice of Darth Vader, Mustafa, and CNN)
- January Jones (Don Draper’s first wife, the one he cheated on a lot but wishes he hadn’t)
For the record, my name actually isn’t Alien Jones. The closest written approximation of my real name is:
H’awa’lekquar Zalazalazalazalazaladimmadimaballa Koveenomix Tromphilogate Scriblero 17.5 Twanny Twim Twally Bolorolax Bek ZsaZsaGabor Heeka heeka heeka heeka AWOLLAGAX!
That translation really doesn’t do it justice.
You might have noticed there’s a “Zsa Zsa Gabor” in there. No, I don’t share a name with an aristocratic Hungarian actress of the 1960’s. In my language, “ZsaZsa” means “Peace” and “Gabor” means prosperity. Thus, there’s the old tradition on my planet of saying, “Good day to you, and may much Zsa Zsa Gabor come your way!”
To properly pronounce my name, you’d have to:
- Pull out your tongue
- Allow another person to jump over it like it was a jumprope
- Tie it in a knot
- Untie it again and…
- Lick a frog
You don’t actually have to lick a frog. I just wanted to see if someone out there would.
Thus, since my name is so difficult to pronounce, I just go with an Earthly last name, hence “Alien Jones.”
Are you a fan of Orange is the New Black? Admittedly, my boss, the Mighty Potentate, is a fan as well. With its mix of humor and drama, not to mention rich character development, His Supreme Fabulousness deems this program to be one more blow against the impending tide of unscripted reality television. Quality fiction is the only thing that can stop the menace that is reality TV from spreading across the universe.
On Marion’s blog, marionstein.net, one can find a number of articles that can help humans improve their intelligence. Thank goodness I’m not the only one devoted to this Herculean effort.
Further, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s 3.5 readers can check out Marion’s Amazon Author Page. “Blood Diva” seems like an especially saucy tale, one about a French courtesan turned vampire.
BQB: Alien Jones! What do aliens call vampires?
Bookshelf Battle Blog Legal Counsel Delilah K. Donnelly of Pop Culture Mysteries fame excluded, of course.
Interestingly, Marion’s author page notes she has a background as a social worker. I view myself as a social worker of sorts. What do I do if not help humans become better people by sharing with them the knowledge of my genius brain?
And believe you me, I do this work because it’s a labor of love on my part, and not, as rumored, because the Mighty Potentate has threatened to shoot me out of a cannon directly into one of my home planet’s many suns if I fail to do so.
Thank you for your question, Marion. Continue to educate the humans with your words. I can’t be the only one on the job.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.
Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.