3.5 readers, it isn’t easy being BQB. I have to murder vampires, zombies, werewolves, all of that.
But I must all destroy the lesser known freaks, like chupacabras. Yes, chupacabras. Have you heard of them? Maybe yes, maybe no.
They aren’t as popular. They literally suck the skin off goats, so you know, there’s not going to be a Twilight for chupacabras. No one’s writing a chupacabra love story. I mean, I could, because I’m that good a writer (and humble) but I’m busy.
Look, you don’t need the details. Suffice to say, an evil warlock has threatened to magically turn the wife of every man in the greater Tri-state area into a clone of Sarah Jessica Parker.
Now, yeah, I’ll admit, for some dudes with hideous wives, that’ll be an improvement. Plus, you might be like, “SJP is hot!” and like yeah, if you look at her from one angle, I’ll give you that, but then if you look at her from another angle, she’s got a horse face. Like, she looks like a horse lady. Like, I wouldn’t know whether to kiss or click my tongue three times and give her an apple and brush her coat. It’s confusing. Men don’t need that problem.
So, fear not. I will murder 1,000 chupacabras and then the warlock will be on his way.
While you’re waiting for me to finish besting this goat suckers, why not read some of Search Engine Optimized Poet’s SEO Optimized Poetry? Full of buzz words that are sure to rack up the clicks!
Is your boyfriend always polishing his wand? Does he know how to bring the magic to a relationship?
Most importantly, does he have a long ass gray beard and a pointy star hat?
Well ma’am, I hate to bring you bad news, but you may very well be dating a wizard.
I have nothing for you today other than I am excited for Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.
Critics are saying it doesn’t quite have that Harry Potter magic but hey, what does?
Are you going to check it out, 3.5?
By: Video Game Rack Fighter, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Video Game Correspondent
Hey 3.5 readers.
Halloween may be long over, but I have yet to stop playing the Google Doodle game featuring that adorable wizard cat.
Did you miss it?
So it’s Halloween. A wizard cat is studying with his wizard friends. Ghosts break in and steal all the friends and then the wizard cat must save the day.
Each ghost has a symbol over its head. To defeat the ghost, you must draw the symbol.
As the game progresses, the symbols get harder and you get less time to draw them.
I love it.
(If you’re doing a web search instead, the official name is “Halloween 2016 Google Doodle.”)
Sorry is has been awhile since I have posted a video game review. What games are you 3.5 readers playing and which ones are you looking forward to?
Currently, I have my eye on Gears of War 4 and Battlefield 1.
By: Special Guest Video Game Movie Reviewer Video Game Rack Fighter.
It’s here! It’s finally here!
The long awaited film based on an online multi-player game is here.
Did it suffer the “video game movies suck curse?”
Read on to find out but beware SPOILERS.
VGRF here with a review of Warcraft.
Movieclips Trailers – Warcraft
Warcraft. The online game in which humans can choose to be a variety of fantasy characters and fight for virtual power and gold has been around forever, or at least 1996.
That’s right millennials. Some of us were nerding it up before you were born and even before it became chic to declare yourself a nerd.
And now there’s a movie. It broke the box office in China, bringing in over $145 million this weekend just in that country. The Chinese love their Warcraft.
Kind of makes me wish I could go back in time and start my own video game company that allows people to pretend to be wizards, warriors, elves, orcs or what have you.
Speaking of orcs, let’s talk about the movie.
Orcs. Long considered the perpetually raging, possibly misunderstood buttholes of the fantasy realm, they’ve destroyed their world and rather than seek to mend their evil orcish ways, they cross through a porthole into the human realm of Azeroth and start conquering and pillaging and generally orcing shit up in true orc fashion.
Hmm. Maybe the Azerothians need to build a wall and make the Orcs pay for it?
Huh? Huh? Crickets. Hmm. Blame BQB. That joke was his idea.
Moving on. Naturally, the humans aren’t going to stand for all this orcish tomfoolery. From thereon, it’s difficult to figure out who’s who and what’s what because all the human dudes are basically a bunch of long haired hipster beardos who all look alike.
But, if you make an effort to get past that, you’ll see Dominic Cooper as the King Wrynn, Travis Fimmel as Commander Lothar, and Ben Foster as Medivh the Guardian.
I don’t want to give too much away, but suffice to say hi jinx ensue when one orc clan leader has second thoughts about all the evil orcishness and seeks to ally himself with the humans.
Paula Patton plays Garona, the half-human/half-orc and the only one who could possibly bring peace between humans and orcs.
Yeesh. So I assume her father was an orc and her mother was a human. Her poor, poor mother. She probably didn’t walk right for a year after that.
Crickets? Another joke suggestion from BQB. Unless you laughed. Then it was all mine.
Ultimately, I don’t think this movie suffers from the “all video game movies suck” curse.
An actual effort was made to develop characters, a plot, a storyline. I won’t spoil the ending but it is obvious that further sequels are in the works.
If you aren’t a nerd or you dislike the fantasy genre, you probably won’t enjoy it.
It is more in line with the traditional fantasy genre style. Nerds in robes – wizards, elves, dwarves, everyone geeking it up and expecting a nerd audience who knows what all this nerd shit means.
As I watched it, it dawned on me that George RR Martin was able to get a wide, diverse audience into his Song of Ice and Fire (aka Game of Thrones) series because he was able to take so many relatable human problems and insert them into a fantasy world.
But for Warcraft, you’re going to have to be a nerd to enjoy it.
Luckily for you, if you are reading this blog, you already are one.
Visually stunning. Worth to see it on the big screen.
Your boyfriend is magical.
No, I don’t mean that as in he’s perfect. I mean it as in he’s a damn spell casting practitioner of the dark arts.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Wizard:
10. When he asks you to polish his wand, he isn’t making an off color joke. He literally dropped his magic wand in the toilet and only you can restore it to its naturally pristine state.
9. He’s not the best guy to ask for a drink. The beverages he brings you look more like potions. Green or purple. Smoking or bubbling. (Note if your boyfriend is not a wizard do not rule out the possibility that your boyfriend might be Bill Cosby.)
8. Whenever he stinks up the bathroom, he gives you fair warning by shouting, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
7. No matter how old he is, has a ten foot long gray beard. Wizards love their beards because it is easy to hide potions, powders, spell books and other magic supplies in them. Also, they can whip on sunglasses and make coin by starting their own ZZ Top tribute bands.
6. Never stops smoking his pipe, even while in front of a No Smoking sign. Puffs out smoke clouds in the shape of mythical animals.
5. His wardrobe only consists of dark colored robes and floppy yet pointy hats. Breaks out his constellation covered robes on special occasions.
4. Best pickup lines revolve around making his penis, your pants or some other article of clothing disappear in an inappropriate manner. (Less humorous but more appropriate lines include observations that you are “enchanting” and claims that you have “cast a spell on him.)
3. The house isn’t big enough for his pet dragon and your pet cat.
2. Hides risque magazines in his spell books.
…is going to attend Hogwart’s in a new spinoff of the Harry Potter series. What say you, 3.5?