Bookshelf Battle

Of course, the most scientific minded of us reject the idea that God created the earth and all the farts upon it, arguing instead that the massive sphere we call home was created through natural forces.

Specifically, Dr. Hugo von Science, an esteemed Professor of Science at the Institute for Advanced Science Studies at Science University, spoke of the creation of the world and all the farts upon it in his seminal work, “The Big Fart Theory:”

There was a time when the space our planet now occupies was nothing but a dark void.  However, out of that void came large quantities of space gas.  These gases, which smelled terrible and thus had many of the same qualities as a fart, collided with one another over and over again until they created one giant super fart.  The super fart swirled and gurgled in an area we might refer to as the “metaphysical stomach of space.”  Finally, the super fart exploded with such a fierce velocity that it created a magnificent vortex, sucking in all space rocks within a radius of a hundred thousand light years.  These rocks collided against each other, slamming each other again and again until finally, the earth was formed, ironically, as the poop that came after the super fart dissipated.  We have been living and farting on the super fart’s poop ever since.

Fascinating.  But how did the individual farts come to be?  For that question, we turn to Charles Darwin’s fart evolution theory, which he discussed in his book, “The Origin of Farts.”

In my studies of the farting habits of the turtles of the Galapagos Islands, I have taken note of the following observations:

Some turtles make weak farts, barely heard or smelled.  Thus, they are fine company to be around but in the long run, the female turtle prefers a male turtle who can let out a robust fart, as loud, smelly farts are considered a sign of virility.  If the male turtle’s butt is working, then so to must his turtle junk be fully operational is the thought that I can only assume runs through the turtle’s mind.  And that thought must be a reality as I have seen first hand many, many hours of hardcore, down and dirty, rough and ready, bareback, no holds barred turtle sex between a female turtle and a male producer of obnoxiously loud and disgustingly smelly turtle farts.

Accordingly, if there is one universal truth it must be this:  via the process of natural selection, those members of any particular species who make weak farts will die out before they have the opportunity to copulate, their genetic material eventually removed from the population, whereas those with strong farts will attract a mate, fornicate wildly, and produce offspring capable of producing even strong farts.  When it comes to farts, it is all about the survival of the fittest fart.

Some very bold claims by Darwin.  Now, when you think about it, you may begin to wonder whether or not the concepts of creationism and evolution are reconcilable.  Here, we must remember the words of noted philosopher John Paul Fartre (not to be confused with noted philosopher John Paul Sartre:

Whenever I sit on the toilet and fart, I am reminded that I am seated not only upon a porcelain throne, but upon a large, circular sphere that hangs dangling in a vast sea of darkness, lit by a fiery orb that just happened to put there in just the right proximity to allow me to be warmed and to have light as I fart.

Yet, I am also reminded of some of my weaker ancestors, namely the prehistoric cave farters who tried to fart but could not and thus died of spontaneous combustion when their farts consumed their bodies from the inside out.  The stronger farters got together and breeded and centuries later, here I am, blasting out the remnants of my chili cheese fries without a care in the world.

Make no mistake about it.  We are here because some mystical, mysterious higher power deemed it so.  You may call this power God if you wish, but there can be no doubt that this power wants us to be here and he wants us to fart.

But take note of the fact that power gave us minds with the ability comprehend science.  And our farts have certainly gotten smellier and louder over the progression of time.  Some have even projected that if our farts continue along this natural progression, man may eventually produce what scientists have dubbed, “the uber fart” or the fart so toxic that it will consume the entire planet and waste it away into a worn out husk, a shell of its former self.

Frightening to be certain and yet we must remember this has happened before.  The dinosaurs, those mighty thunder lizards who occupied our orb long before we did, farted themselves into extinction and thus there can be no doubt we will do the same.

In short, it is possible to believe in fart creation and fart evolution at the same time.  God created farts and farts got more powerful over time.  Perhaps God has even given us a gift that he did not give to the dinosaurs, namely, a scientific mind capable of studying farts, the ability to figure out how to make farts less potent in order to stave off our inevitable destruction at the hands of the uber fart.

Powerful stuff.  Even more powerful farts.  John Paul Fartre’s warning could not be clearer.  Science and religion do not have to be diametrically opposed forces but rather, can compliment one another.  Scientists and theologians must walk hand and hand if they are ever to come together and prevent the uber fart from rearing its ugly, smelly head and destroying us all as it did with the dinosaurs so many years ago.

If you are an adherent to science, hug a religious person.  Religious people, hug a scientist.  Let us all get along in the spirit of stopping the uber fart in its tracks once and for all.