Tag Archives: bible

The History of Farts – The Book of Genesis

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The Earth.  It’s been our home for as long as any of us can remember.  But just how much do we know about how our home came to be?

I mean, first there was nothing, then there was something, right?  That’s how anything is made.  First you have no pizza.  Then you buy some dough, some cheese, tomato sauce and pepperoni, put them all together, bake it for a while and then boom, you have a pizza.

How did our planet get baked?  Well, some believe in “creationism” or that idea that God himself created the world.

As we are told in The Book of Genesis, God didn’t just create the land, and the seas, and the all the birds in the sky and the fish in the water.  He also created…farts.  Yes, farts.  God cared very much about our intestinal comfort and wanted to make sure that relief after eating all the delicious food he created would never be more than a good toot away.

Don’t believe me?  Take a look:

In the beginning, God created butts.  Now, these butts were formless and empty, darkness spread throughout the surface of their cracks, and the gas was trapped between the cheeks.

And God said, “Let there be farts!” and there were farts.  God saw that the farts were good and he separated the farts from the butts.  God called the tiny farts, “squeakers” and the loud farts, “reakers.”

And there was evening and morning – the first day.

And God said, “Let there be a fart that makes no sound but emits a noxious fume just the same.”  So God created a fart that could be smelled but not heard and it was so.  God called these farts “silent but deadly.”  And there was evening, and there was morning – the second day.

And God said, “Let there be a fart that will remained trapped in the butt until the butt owner lifts up a cheek so that it may escape.”  And so God created a type of fart that can only leave the butt with cooperation of the butt owner and it was so.  God called these farts, “cheek lifters.”  And God smelled that these farts were good.  And there was evening and there was morning – the third day.

And God said, “Let there be a fart that can never be controlled.” And God made a type of fart that pops out of the butt so fast that before the owner of the butt can do anything about it, it’s too late.  And God called these farts “kamikazes” for nothing will stop them from embarrassing the owner of the butt, even if they pop out during a super important business meeting or on a first date.  And it was so.  And there was evening and there was morning – the fourth day.

And God said, “Let there be a wet fart, the kind that makes a person’s butt sound like it is full of hot soup percolating its way through a coffee filter.”  And God created the farts that are bringing just a touch of wet diarrhea with them on the way out.  And God heard these farts and they were good.  And there was evening and there was morning – the fifth day.

And God said, “Let there be the grand alpha and omega of all farts!”  And God created the mega, super duper deluxe fart, a fart so potent and powerful that it makes everyone in the blast radius run for cover or, barring an adequate exit strategy, at least open up all the windows and issue such complaints as, “Dude!  What did you eat?”  This fart will have the power to not only cause those who smell it to question the farter’s mental health and physical well-being, but it will also ruin marriages, end friendships, and ruin lives.  God called these farts “blockbusters” and they were not good.  No, they were not good at all.  And there was evening and there was morning – the sixth day.

Thus, all the farts on earth were completed in their vast array.  By the seventh day, God had finished his glorious work on farts; so on the seventh day he rested from his work.  Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy because in it he rested from of the work he had done on creating farts.  He demanded that all of mankind take this holy day to rest and to fart, for all farts done on this day are good.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – God, Is It Really Necessary for Old People to Get Physically Old?

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Hey God.  Godster.  Godamundo.  God-a-rama.  The Godmeister, makin’ copies.

Your devoted servant, BQB here.  I know you can hear me even if I don’t post my thoughts on a website that only has 3.5 readers.

Listen, I don’t mean to tell you how to do your business here.  You don’t come to my work and slap the pizza out of my mouth, so I don’t go to your crib and tell you how to supervise the angels and so forth.

But check it.  If you’ve got a suggestion box lying around, I’d like to pop one in there and you can take it or leave it.

You know old people get older, and older, and even older?

Right, and do you know how people start out in life looking like happy young people and by the end they all look like the Crypt Keeper?

Thought:  What if, and follow me on this one, what if:

A) everyone gets a standard 100 years.  No more worrying when you’re going to die, when it will happen, will it happen too early, will I leave my loved ones too soon?  No more young people getting into freak accidents that cut their lives short.  No more old people suffering through their last years in the hospital, having surgery after surgery with all sorts of machines hooked up to them.

100 years.  That’s it.  Everyone knows up front that 100 years after their birth date, whammo!  That’s all she wrote.

Also:

B)  What if, and again, hear me out, no one had to get physically old?  Again, no diseases or health problems or gray hair or baldness or people ending up with hair growing out of their ears and hobbling around with hunchbacks while leaning on their canes?

How about everyone stops aging at, say, 25 and then we all keep looking like when did when were 25 until we’re 100 and then bam, we just drop.

And as a reminder, when we drop, that’s it, we drop.  No agony.  No pain.  No extended hospital stays.  Everyone just throws a big ass party on their last day and when their last second is up, they just switch off like a powered down robot someone just flipped the button to off on.

I know, human suffering makes us all the more stronger for whatever you have planned for us in the afterlife but if you think about it, you’ve already given us this great world and this great gift of life and the idea, the very idea that one day we’ll have to give this all up…doesn’t that hurt enough?

Is it really necessary for us to all end up looking like Abe Vigoda?  Is it all really necessary for us to get cancer, or heart complications, or syphilis or the clap or have our heads knocked in by one of your less virtuous creations who is convinced he needs our money more than we do?

Just let us stay young for 100 years…then switch us off.  No muss.  No fuss.

Like I said, God, just a thought.  It’s in the suggestion box.  You like it?  You run with it.  Don’t like it.  It’s your call, boss.  It’s your call.

Keep being you, G-Man.  Keep being you.

Sincerely,

BQB, Your Ever So Pious Servant, Educating the 3.5 Heathens who Frequent this Fine Blog Sicne 2014.

 

 

 

 

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Movie Review – Exodus: Gods and Kings (2014)

Let my 3.5 readers go!

No, wait.  Bring my 3.5 readers back.  If they leave, then no one will read this terrible blog.

BQB here with a review of Exodus: Gods and Kings.

It’s Easter night and you know what that means.  Eating copious amounts of candy and watching the story of Moses.  For the longest time, you were able to watch The Ten Commandments with Charlton Heston or since 2014, you can watch the Christian Bale version, Exodus:  Gods and Kings.

Yup, I’m a few years late in reviewing this film but hey, better late than never and I figure I might as well review it while I’m watching it.

This film is visually stunning.  It’s a little surprising it didn’t get an Oscar love.  I mean, I still can’t believe that pile of crap Birdman won an Oscar but this film didn’t get much recognition.

The interesting part of this film is that it is told to suit a modern audience.

Oh wait, you’re probably all heathens who don’t know any of this shit so let me give you the synopsis.

Baby Moses is floated down the river and honestly, I forget why.  Maybe his parents were in trouble.  Maybe someone was after Moses.  Maybe his parents were crackheads.  At any rate, when the little guy reaches shore, he’s found by the Egyptian royal family and adopted as the son of the Pharaoh.

Moses grows up and lives the life of a wealthy, arrogant Egyptian royal family member, looking down upon the poor and downtrodden, especially the Jews, who are whipped and beaten and used as slave labor to build the pyramids and shit.

Later, Moses learns that he is, in fact, Jewish, and suddenly he starts to feel bad about how the Jews are being treated.  God speaks to him via a burning bush.  The Pharaoh has died and Moses’ adopted brother, Ramses, becomes the Pharaoh.

The burning bush tells Moses to pass along a message to Ramses.  Sorry if I botch the message, but its basically, “Let my people (the Jews) go, or shit’s about to go down.”

Ramses scoffs at this.  He’s the mighty Pharaoh after all.  So God follows through.  Plagues, pestilence, frogs, locusts, all kinds of heinous shit happens to the Egyptians.  Even their first born sons are all killed.

Tired of all the bullshit, Ramses lets the Jews go, then thinks better of it, and sends his Army to recapture them.  Moses, now a mighty right hand of God, uses his power to part the Red Sea, allowing the Jews to escape to safety and then brings it down on the Egyptians, drowning them.

Boo-yah!  Sorry, but someone needed to bring that Pharaoh down a peg.

Anyway, I apologize if I got that story wrong but that’s the gist that’s in my mind anyway.

The Charlton Heston version provides a fairly true to the bible version.

This new version, Exodus, keeps the modern, skeptical viewer in mind.  There isn’t a whole lot of magic in the movie but rather, room to speculate and ponder.

For example, all the locusts and pestilence and kids dying could be God, or it could just all be the result of bizarre natural occurrences.  The times were bad and people lived in lousy, unsanitary conditions, so its not that surprising that a lot of kids would die or that a bunch of bugs would show up.

Moses (Bale) tells Ramses that this is all legit, that all the bad shit that’s going down is because of God.  Ramses accuses Moses of being a crazy charlatan, that he’s somehow bringing all the plagues and killing all the kids just so he can steal all his slaves.

As a viewer, you’re free to think either option.

Meanwhile, there’s no burning bush but rather, a boy who a) is definitely God who has taken the form of a boy to speak to Moses or b) a very religious boy who thinks he speaks for God or c) the result of some hallucination Moses is experiencing.  Again, your choice.

Further, the Red Sea is parted.  Moses might have done it…or it might have just been a giant tidal wave caused by super bad weather.

In other words, maybe Moses had powers and maybe he was God’s right hand man in freeing his people…or maybe Moses just lucked his way through a series of bizarre events and coincidences that made it look like he was working for God but in fact, just stumbled his way to glory.

I don’t know, man.  I wasn’t there.  All in all, it’s an interesting retelling and preserves the story for a new generation.

STATUS: Shelfworthy.

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Text of Ezekial 25:17 (Or that famous bible verse Jules quotes in Pulp Fiction)

Hey 3.5 readers.

Are you a fan of Pulp Fiction?

Of course you are.  If you aren’t, what’s wrong with you?

If you can’t remember the text of Ezekiel 25:17, that bible verse Jules (Samuel L. Jackson) uses before he shoots someone, here it is:

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the
inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.

Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost
children.

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious
anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.

And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”

There you go 3.5.

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Movie Review – Ben-Hur (2016)

Jesus H. Christ!  What a great movie!

Ha. Blasphemous wit.

BQB here with a review of the biblical epic Ben-Hur.

I suppose you could call this a remake of the classic Charlton Heston film of the same name from 1959.

Then again, what was that 1959 movie other than a re-telling of a tale as old as time?

Jack Huston, formerly of Boardwalk Empire, stars as Judah Ben-Hur, a wealthy Jewish prince falsely accused by his brother, Roman Army Officer Messala Severus (Tony Kebbell) of committing treason against Rome.

Blah blah blah…stuff happens, more stuff happens….Ben-Hur loses everything and the former brothers who once loved each other very much end up competing in a chariot race.

Boy howdy, 3.5 readers, let me tell you, chariot races were some gruesome shit.

Horses get bashed (I don’t think they really were, obviously, but you still hate to see that), drivers get trampled and maimed, but its what ancient Romans did for entertainment back in the day I guess.  Without TV, Internet, or blogs catering to 3.5 readers, a bunch of sweaty assholes riding around and around a track colliding their chariots into each other was about as entertaining as it got.

Director Timur Bekmambetov does yeoman’s work in transporting the viewer to historic times.  Everything’s more or less authentic as possible while still being understandable to the modern viewer.

Morgan Freeman rounds out the cast as Ilderim, the traveling gambler who sponsors chariot drivers, putting up his horses and chariots and making his money off wagers.

Ilderim ends up being the Mickey to Ben-Hur’s Rocky, sponsoring him in a race against Messala.

Jesus (Roderigo Santoro) makes a cameo.  It was a bit surreal to see a movie where Jesus is part of the supporting cast rather than a main character, but it works.

I complain about Hollywood constantly on this blog so when the Tinsel Town suits do something good, I have to give them credit, and credit is due here.

This movie is a sweeping historical epic based on a biblical tale.  A ton of cash was clearly doled out to make it.  One can take a look at the big chariot race scene to see that.

Historical/biblical tales just aren’t being lapped up by today’s modern viewers, who can’t pull their dumb faces away from their cell phones for 3.5 minutes in order to learn something.

In fact, I’m sure there are a lot of people who see a movie like Ben-Hur and think, “Pass. I don’t want to learn anything.”

Ironically, there are a lot of messages about war, relations between countries and different groups of people, the need for peace or “to turn the other cheek” as cameo star Jesus taught us.

I enjoyed it. It deserves a big audience and recognition. I’m not sure today’s take a selfie every two seconds crowd will provide it, but here’s hoping they prove me wrong.

Will it draw in the big bucks? Probably not.  But Hollywood sunk cash into an effort to preserve history and educate people about the past by funding a movie that doesn’t quite fit the mold of a box office smash, so I applaud the Hollywood suits for proving they aren’t all bad.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 89

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“I’m not the devil,” Blythe said. “But I’ll give him your regards.

The Reverend wasn’t exactly a formidable opponent. Short and pudgy, bald with unruly white hair on the sides of his head. He pushed his spectacles up the bridge of his nose.

“You’re all the devil to me,” the Reverend said as he thumbed through his bible. “Pardon me. I have lost my place.”

Blythe hollered over the Reverend. “Whatever this is, it won’t work, Slade! Stop hiding behind an old man! It’s beneath you!”

Like trained pets, the zombies stood still, moaning to themselves. Blythe had brought six conductors with him. Five were already in werewolf form. The sixth, a tall, slender man, had black hair with just a light dusting of grey flecks throughout.

Still dressed in his conductor’s uniform, Blythe’s man unholstered his pistol.

“Shall I relieve you of this foolishness, sir?” he asked.

“No Mr. Gentry,” Blythe replied. “I’m mildly curious as to what this fellow is up to.”

The Reverend licked his pointer finger as he flipped through his bible until he triumphantly tapped the page he’d been searching for and wagged his finger in the air. “Get behind me, Satan!”

A grin worked its way across Blythe’s face. Gentry snickered.

“Mr. Gentry,” Blythe said. “Be a good man and take Misters Vaughn and Morris around the back in case they’re planning something.”

“Right away, sir,” Gentry replied. The conductor headed for the back of the livery with two werewolves in tow.

The Reverend carried on with his reading.

“And Jesus said, ‘Get behind me, Satan! For you are but a stumbling block to me. You do not have in mind the concerns of God!”

Blythe had been alive for thousands of years and never once had someone so frail taken such a bold stand against him. He was amused.

The vampire walked closer to the preacher, taking in the impromptu sermon.

“And then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?”

The Reverend closed his bible. Blythe mocked the preacher, clapping loudly as if he’d enjoyed the performance.

“I have never heard a finer reading of the Book of Matthew,” Blythe said. “Tell me, are you going somewhere with this?”

“I am,” the Reverend said. “I take it you forfeited your soul to become the abomination you are now?”

“Indeed,” Blythe said. “And it was the best decision I ever made. My soul was only slowing me down. That’s what souls do.”

“Oh no,” the Reverend said. “Souls raise people up. Hold them to a higher standard. A man’s soul is constantly whispering to him to do the right thing. People do wicked deeds when they ignore their souls and you, why you clearly behave as a man who lost his soul long ago.”

“Good riddance,” Blythe said.

The Reverend tapped his finger on the cover of his bible. “Don’t you see, son? You could get your soul back.”

Blythe raised a quizzical eyebrow and waited for the Reverend to elaborate.

“Jesus told his disciples to ignore worldly pleasures and material gain, for all of that is worthless if one loses his soul in the pursuit of personal power,” the Reverend said. “Here you are, poised to take control of America and I assume you won’t stop there. The world will be next?”

“That’s the long term plan,” Blythe replied.

“And won’t world domination seem pointless to you once you realize that you lost your soul along the way?” the Reverend asked.

“I wasn’t really using it,” Blythe said.

“No,” the Reverend said. “No, I doubt that. I’m willing to wager that you were once a decent man and you were somehow led astray. Something put you on the path to become what you are today.”

“This bores me now, Reverend,” Blythe replied.

“What if I told you that you could get your soul back?” the Reverend asked.

“I’d tell you that you are a senile imbecile,” Blythe answered.

The Reverend shook his copy of the good book. “It’s all right here. The world means nothing to a man who forfeits his soul to control it but sacrifice yourself in the name of Jesus and you will find your soul.”

A visibly puzzled Blythe replied, “What?”

“There are biblical scholars far more learned than me,” the Reverend said. “But surely this passage means that if you would repent for your wicked ways, take up arms against the evil that you serve and sacrifice yourself in the Lord’s name, then your soul will no doubt be redeemed in the eyes of the Lord. All will be forgiven and your soul will dwell in Heaven for all eternity.”

Blythe’s eye’s glistened as if they were full of hope. He clutched his hand over the space in his chest where his heart used to beat.

“Oh Reverend,” Blythe said. “Do you really think so?’

“I know so, my boy,” the Reverend said.

Blythe surprised the Reverend with a hug. The vampire pulled the old man close and rested his chin on the Reverend’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Blythe said.

“There, there, son,” the Reverend said as he patted Blythe’s shoulder.

“It’s just that you have no idea how long I have waited for someone like you to say this to me,” Blythe said.

“It’s all right,” the Reverend said. “You were lost but now you have been found.”

“Indeed I have,” Blythe said. “And now I have a lesson that I must share with you.”

“What is it?” the Reverend asked.

Click. Blythe’s fangs popped out from his upper gums. The Reverend screamed in pain as those sharp pointy teeth dug their way into his neck. He struggled to push Blythe away but he grew weaker with every sip of blood Blythe took.

Finally, the Reverend’s body went limp and collapsed on the ground.

With blazing red eyes and blood dripping from his lips, Blythe knelt down to give the Reverend the lesson he spoke of.

“Being without a soul means never having to say you’re sorry.”

The Reverend gasped one last breath as the life drained out of his eyes. He was no more.

The vampire wiped the blood off his face. He retracted his fangs and his eyes returned to normal. He looked to his zombies. They were licking their lips and aching for a taste of the Reverend but they stayed put.

“Finish off the seconds,” Blythe ordered them.

Instantly, the undead swarmed the Reverend, ripping his carcass apart, clawing at each other just to get a piece.

Blythe struck a match and lit the rag stuffed into his special cocktail.

“Enough stalling, Slade!” Blythe said as he hauled his arm back, ready to throw the bottle at the livery. “Get out here and face me!”

Suddenly, Blythe felt an intense pain in his chest. He looked down to find he’d been pierced by a wooden arrow, the sharp stone head of which had already lodged inside of him.

He dropped the bottle, allowing it to crack in a fiery explosion just before he hit the ground.

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