Tag Archives: farts

Daily Discussion with BQB – Should Farts Be Taxed?

PRO: Making people pay for their farts might motivate them to fart less and this may lead to less air pollution.  Maybe people will at least try to eat less fart inducing foods and this will be beneficial to their health.

CON:  If people fart less, the gas will be trapped in their bodies for longer periods, causing gaseous internal damage.  People are so strapped for cash already that if they have to pay a fart tax, they will just hold the farts in until they spontaneously combust.  You’ll be sitting at your cubicle and the guy next to you will just, all of a sudden, be consumed in a fire and then people will be like, “Well, I guess Stanley had a chili cheese corn dog and an extra-large Coke for lunch and couldn’t afford the fart tax due to his child support payments.”


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Why do farts smell bad?

If you don’t eat something that smells like a fart, why do your farts smell like farts?

If you eat a pizza, why doesn’t your fart smell like pizza?

If you eat strawberry ice cream, why don’t your farts smell like strawberry ice cream?

I demand answers!

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The History of Farts – Prehistoric Cave Farts


While scientists and theologians may differ on how the world was formed, there can be no doubt that the world is here.  I mean, seriously, if the world isn’t here, then where are you reading this book?  In the vast reaches of space?  Apologies if you are an astronaut reading this but I doubt that you are.  A highly intelligent space traveler would never be hoodwinked into plunking down good money on a book about farts, believe me.

But I digress.  The world is here and people have been dwelling upon the planet for a long time.  Will we ever know what it is like to be a caveman?  Sure.  Just walk into any frat house at a major university.  I kid, I kid.  Not really.

No.  We can’t know exactly what it was like to be a caveman, but thanks to a highly scientific project at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University, we have developed a better understanding of what prehistoric cavemen thought about farts.

Dr. Hugo von Science, a longtime contributor to the Bookshelf Battle Blog, discovered a perfectly preserved caveman brain in a block of ice.  After determining this brain to be, “really freaking old, like thousands upon thousands of years old,” the good doctor developed a device that allowed the user to learn everything the owner of this brain thought about farts.

Behold, the thoughts in their original caveman gibberish, translated into English:

CAVEMAN THOUGHT                                                    TRANSLATION

Ooga booga.                                                                    He who smelt it, dealt it.

Ugga bugga.                                                                    He who denied it, supplied it.

Wooga wagga.                                                         He who heard it first, purveyed the juicy turd    burst.

Grakka flarga.                                                        He who sayed it, sprayed it.

Ribble robble.                                                        He who detected it, ejected it.

Skoogol kruz.                                                         He who announced it, pounced it.

Yes.  As you can see, dear reader, the “smeller vs. denier game” or the delicate dance in which the first person to detect the presence of a fart engages in a war of words with the first person to deny being the source of the fart, has existed virtually since the dawn of time.

So the next time you feel bad for being caught in brown handed in the midst of an olfactory offense, just remember, your prehistoric ancestors, while they weren’t busy bashing each other with clubs and hunting mastodons, were accusing each other of stinking up the cave.

Puts things in perspective, doesn’t it?


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The History of Farts – The Big Fart Theory and Charles Darwin on the Evolution of Farts


Of course, the most scientific minded of us reject the idea that God created the earth and all the farts upon it, arguing instead that the massive sphere we call home was created through natural forces.

Specifically, Dr. Hugo von Science, an esteemed Professor of Science at the Institute for Advanced Science Studies at Science University, spoke of the creation of the world and all the farts upon it in his seminal work, “The Big Fart Theory:”

There was a time when the space our planet now occupies was nothing but a dark void.  However, out of that void came large quantities of space gas.  These gases, which smelled terrible and thus had many of the same qualities as a fart, collided with one another over and over again until they created one giant super fart.  The super fart swirled and gurgled in an area we might refer to as the “metaphysical stomach of space.”  Finally, the super fart exploded with such a fierce velocity that it created a magnificent vortex, sucking in all space rocks within a radius of a hundred thousand light years.  These rocks collided against each other, slamming each other again and again until finally, the earth was formed, ironically, as the poop that came after the super fart dissipated.  We have been living and farting on the super fart’s poop ever since.

Fascinating.  But how did the individual farts come to be?  For that question, we turn to Charles Darwin’s fart evolution theory, which he discussed in his book, “The Origin of Farts.”

In my studies of the farting habits of the turtles of the Galapagos Islands, I have taken note of the following observations:

Some turtles make weak farts, barely heard or smelled.  Thus, they are fine company to be around but in the long run, the female turtle prefers a male turtle who can let out a robust fart, as loud, smelly farts are considered a sign of virility.  If the male turtle’s butt is working, then so to must his turtle junk be fully operational is the thought that I can only assume runs through the turtle’s mind.  And that thought must be a reality as I have seen first hand many, many hours of hardcore, down and dirty, rough and ready, bareback, no holds barred turtle sex between a female turtle and a male producer of obnoxiously loud and disgustingly smelly turtle farts.

Accordingly, if there is one universal truth it must be this:  via the process of natural selection, those members of any particular species who make weak farts will die out before they have the opportunity to copulate, their genetic material eventually removed from the population, whereas those with strong farts will attract a mate, fornicate wildly, and produce offspring capable of producing even strong farts.  When it comes to farts, it is all about the survival of the fittest fart.

Some very bold claims by Darwin.  Now, when you think about it, you may begin to wonder whether or not the concepts of creationism and evolution are reconcilable.  Here, we must remember the words of noted philosopher John Paul Fartre (not to be confused with noted philosopher John Paul Sartre:

Whenever I sit on the toilet and fart, I am reminded that I am seated not only upon a porcelain throne, but upon a large, circular sphere that hangs dangling in a vast sea of darkness, lit by a fiery orb that just happened to put there in just the right proximity to allow me to be warmed and to have light as I fart.

Yet, I am also reminded of some of my weaker ancestors, namely the prehistoric cave farters who tried to fart but could not and thus died of spontaneous combustion when their farts consumed their bodies from the inside out.  The stronger farters got together and breeded and centuries later, here I am, blasting out the remnants of my chili cheese fries without a care in the world.

Make no mistake about it.  We are here because some mystical, mysterious higher power deemed it so.  You may call this power God if you wish, but there can be no doubt that this power wants us to be here and he wants us to fart.

But take note of the fact that power gave us minds with the ability comprehend science.  And our farts have certainly gotten smellier and louder over the progression of time.  Some have even projected that if our farts continue along this natural progression, man may eventually produce what scientists have dubbed, “the uber fart” or the fart so toxic that it will consume the entire planet and waste it away into a worn out husk, a shell of its former self.

Frightening to be certain and yet we must remember this has happened before.  The dinosaurs, those mighty thunder lizards who occupied our orb long before we did, farted themselves into extinction and thus there can be no doubt we will do the same.

In short, it is possible to believe in fart creation and fart evolution at the same time.  God created farts and farts got more powerful over time.  Perhaps God has even given us a gift that he did not give to the dinosaurs, namely, a scientific mind capable of studying farts, the ability to figure out how to make farts less potent in order to stave off our inevitable destruction at the hands of the uber fart.

Powerful stuff.  Even more powerful farts.  John Paul Fartre’s warning could not be clearer.  Science and religion do not have to be diametrically opposed forces but rather, can compliment one another.  Scientists and theologians must walk hand and hand if they are ever to come together and prevent the uber fart from rearing its ugly, smelly head and destroying us all as it did with the dinosaurs so many years ago.

If you are an adherent to science, hug a religious person.  Religious people, hug a scientist.  Let us all get along in the spirit of stopping the uber fart in its tracks once and for all.

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The History of Farts – The Book of Genesis


The Earth.  It’s been our home for as long as any of us can remember.  But just how much do we know about how our home came to be?

I mean, first there was nothing, then there was something, right?  That’s how anything is made.  First you have no pizza.  Then you buy some dough, some cheese, tomato sauce and pepperoni, put them all together, bake it for a while and then boom, you have a pizza.

How did our planet get baked?  Well, some believe in “creationism” or that idea that God himself created the world.

As we are told in The Book of Genesis, God didn’t just create the land, and the seas, and the all the birds in the sky and the fish in the water.  He also created…farts.  Yes, farts.  God cared very much about our intestinal comfort and wanted to make sure that relief after eating all the delicious food he created would never be more than a good toot away.

Don’t believe me?  Take a look:

In the beginning, God created butts.  Now, these butts were formless and empty, darkness spread throughout the surface of their cracks, and the gas was trapped between the cheeks.

And God said, “Let there be farts!” and there were farts.  God saw that the farts were good and he separated the farts from the butts.  God called the tiny farts, “squeakers” and the loud farts, “reakers.”

And there was evening and morning – the first day.

And God said, “Let there be a fart that makes no sound but emits a noxious fume just the same.”  So God created a fart that could be smelled but not heard and it was so.  God called these farts “silent but deadly.”  And there was evening, and there was morning – the second day.

And God said, “Let there be a fart that will remained trapped in the butt until the butt owner lifts up a cheek so that it may escape.”  And so God created a type of fart that can only leave the butt with cooperation of the butt owner and it was so.  God called these farts, “cheek lifters.”  And God smelled that these farts were good.  And there was evening and there was morning – the third day.

And God said, “Let there be a fart that can never be controlled.” And God made a type of fart that pops out of the butt so fast that before the owner of the butt can do anything about it, it’s too late.  And God called these farts “kamikazes” for nothing will stop them from embarrassing the owner of the butt, even if they pop out during a super important business meeting or on a first date.  And it was so.  And there was evening and there was morning – the fourth day.

And God said, “Let there be a wet fart, the kind that makes a person’s butt sound like it is full of hot soup percolating its way through a coffee filter.”  And God created the farts that are bringing just a touch of wet diarrhea with them on the way out.  And God heard these farts and they were good.  And there was evening and there was morning – the fifth day.

And God said, “Let there be the grand alpha and omega of all farts!”  And God created the mega, super duper deluxe fart, a fart so potent and powerful that it makes everyone in the blast radius run for cover or, barring an adequate exit strategy, at least open up all the windows and issue such complaints as, “Dude!  What did you eat?”  This fart will have the power to not only cause those who smell it to question the farter’s mental health and physical well-being, but it will also ruin marriages, end friendships, and ruin lives.  God called these farts “blockbusters” and they were not good.  No, they were not good at all.  And there was evening and there was morning – the sixth day.

Thus, all the farts on earth were completed in their vast array.  By the seventh day, God had finished his glorious work on farts; so on the seventh day he rested from his work.  Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy because in it he rested from of the work he had done on creating farts.  He demanded that all of mankind take this holy day to rest and to fart, for all farts done on this day are good.

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Philosophers on Farting


Think before you stink.

Hey 3.5 readers.

I surveyed the following philosophers on the topic of farting.  Here is what they said:

Socrates – If you want to know whether or not you should fart, ask yourself if you should or should not fart.  The answer to this fart question dwells within you and by asking yourself about farts, you will draw out the answer about farts.

Plato – Before you are born, you get to chill out in Heaven, where there is a mold of everything in the world, including farts.  You forget about that mold after you are born, but the knowledge of that fart mold is still in you deep somewhere, so think real hard, and you will come up with the answer about farts.

Aristotle – The answer to a fart question isn’t with you but it does lie within the world somewhere.  Study farts and you will learn about farts.

Machiavelli – Tell everyone you will not fart, then fart anyway.  By the time the gas hits their noses, it will be too late.

George Hegel – First, we must examine the fart as it happens.  Next, we must look back upon the time when the fart happened and reflect on it.  Finally, once considerable time has passed, we must philosophize about the fart.

Immanuel Kant – Only fart on someone if you wouldn’t mind if they were to fart on you.

Rene Descartes – I fart therefore I am.

Soren Kierkegaard – The number of potential ways in which one could fart are limitless, so much so that one could not even comprehend the sheer volume of ways to fart.  Regrets about your farting related decision are inevitable.  If you fart, you will regret it.  If you do not fart, you will regret it.  You are damned if you fart and damned if you don’t fart.  You will never know until the end of your life whether you should have farted or not but by then, you will have farted or not farted already.  There is just no way to tell whether or not you should fart until it is too late to fart or not fart.

Thomas Hobbes – Without farts, life is nasty, brutish and short.  With farts, life is smelly.

John Locke – Every man’s fart is his property.  This fart, nobody has a right to, but himself.

Thomas Paine – These are the farts that test men’s souls.

John Stuart Mill – You should only fart if it will benefit the most people.

Friedrich Nietzsche – God is dead.  All that matters is what you want.  If you want to fart, then fart.  If farting makes you happy, the fart, fart, fart.  Fart your way into becoming a gassy superman.

Arthur Schopenhauer – We’re all going to die at some point so go ahead.  Fart if you want.  You’re worried you’ll be embarrassed?  Don’t worry.  You’ll eventually die and then you won’t be worried about your farts anymore.  Worried other people will think ill of you if you fart?  Stop worrying.  They will all eventually die and then no one will be around to talk about your farts.  We’re all totally screwed so fart, fart away.  Fart loud and proud.

Arthur Shopenhauer, Take Two:  All farts pass through three stages.  First, they are ridiculed.  Second, they are violently opposed.  Third, they are accepted as self-evident.

Karl Marx – Farting is the opiate of the butt.  Also, you fart so much while other people fart so little.  Give those people half your farts.

Erwin Schrodinger – Plug up your nose and your ears and then stand next to a person.  Until you remove your ear and nose plugs, you will never know whether or not that person is farting.  Perhaps you will remove your plugs and you will hear and smell a fart.  Perhaps you will remove your plugs and you will hear and smell nothing.  You will never know if a person is farting until you experience the fart.  Until you experience the fart, it is possible that the person is farting and not farting at the same exact time.

Martin Heidegger – If you hold in your fart, you are denying the essence of your need to fart.  Farts are only experienced if they happen.

Jean Paul Sartre – The existence of your fart precedes the essence of your fart.

Albert Camus – In the depth of my buttcheeks, I finally realized there laid within an invincible fart.


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#31WaystoDefeataVampire – Number 1 – Garlic Farts

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire


Count Krakovich hates his fellow vampires. Stop by bookshelfbattle.com all October long for the count’s advice on how to defeat them.


As you have heard 3.5 readers, vampires despise garlic. One bite of the stinky stuff and we are done for.

Why does garlic hurt vampires?

Many reasons.

  • Garlic has long been thought to have healing properties for humans.  Ancient medicine men used it to treat all kinds of diseases and ailments. Hell, you can even buy garlic pills today. I have no idea if it is good for you or not, I’m a vampire, not a doctor. What I do know is as a general rule, if something is good for humans, it is bad for vampires.
  • Long ago, people used garlic as mosquito repellant.  It stinks, so mosquitos, the bloodsucking vampires of the insect world, buzz away from it.
  • Bram Stroker mentioned its use to ward of vampires in Dracula.

Now, vampires aren’t fooled easy.  Put it in a pizza or in some food to disguise it and they’ll sniff it out immediately and throw you out before you can get your garlic laden food all over them.

But – what if the garlic is inside you already?

Yes, 3.5 readers. That’s right. Before you meet a vampire, eat copious amounts of pizza, lasagna, pasta, and garlic bread – lots and lots of gooey, cheesy garlic bread.

Then when you visit a vampire, let it rip.  You can launch a full on assault with a loud one or take out every vampire in the room with an SBD (silent but deadly.)

Personally, I recommend the SBD approach.  Going full blast ruins the element of surprise.

Garlic farts, 3.5 readers. I’m telling you.  They work.

And if you’re not one to take this smelly fight to the vampires, at least protect yourself.

Never go out at night without ingesting an entire garlic clove.  True, your social life will suffer as you’ll be so smelly that no one will want to kiss you but at least you’ll be able to gas a marauding vampire at a moment’s notice.



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BREAKING NEWS: Harvey Smotchenbocker Wins the Gold


It’s a happy day here in East Randomtown, 3.5 readers.

East Randomtown resident Harvey Smotchenbocker has won the gold in the Olympic 10K Flatulence competition.

For those not familiar with the sport of 10K flatulence, that means that Harvey and the other contestants competed in a race in which they had to propel themselves for 10,000 meters through nothing but their flatulence.

Harvey was the first to cross the finish line, making his hometown and country proud.


I’ll tell you, this is truly a public relations coup for East Randomtown.

Up until now East Randomtown’s most famous citizens were:

  • Me (BQB) for my blog that attracts the attention of 3.5 readers.
  • Leo McKoy, who claims to have delivered a sandwich to Dawson’s Creek star James Van Der Beek
  • The late Doug Hauser, who once appeared as an extra for thirty seconds in a 1980s cop drama.  Alas, he was eaten by zombies last year during the East Randomtown zombie apocalypse.

God bless you, Harvey, you’ve done us proud.



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Update on Harvey Smotchenbocker, East Randomtown’s Olympian


Hey 3.5.

Bookshelf Q. Battler, Mayor of East Randomtown here.

Just an update on East Randomtonian Harvey Smotchenbocker, who is participating in the 10K Flatulence Competition at the Olympic Games in Rio.

Flatulence is one of the lesser known games but every gold medal counts.

Harvey has checked in. He is reporting that he is getting in some last minute training for his big day later this week.  Filling up on all sorts of gaseous foods.  I have nothing but faith in him.

Stay tuned for more updates.

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