Hey nerds. Do you know once in awhile I actually bump into someone who has never seen any of the Star Wars movies? That’s not even a joke. I always assume they are a communist spy or something.
For those of you who want to see The Force Awakens but have yet to see the previous films, here’s a brief synopsis.
Episode 4 was made first because George Lucas didn’t know how to count. Luke Skywalker, a farm boy from the desert (how that works I don’t know) is recruited by an elderly shut-in, Obi Wan Kenobi, to overthrow the government, “the Empire” in the name of ancient religion practiced by an order of monk-ninjas known as “the Jedi.”
Obi Wan is a master of “the Force” which sounds very mystical but really just means he can throw shit around in the air and pull it to him as needed. He teaches Luke how to throw shit around in the air and pull it to him as needed as well.
Luke and Obi Wan, without conveyance of their own, secure transportation from a space criminal, Han Solo and his dog man sidekick, Chewbacca. Together, they run a contraband smuggling operation, though they are not very good at it, because they had to dump some shit to avoid detection, costing their client, an obese space slug/gangster, Jabba the Hutt, a lot of money.
Darth Vader is a handicapped man who despite his debilitating injuries, refuses to allow his ill health to get in the way of getting up in the morning and doing his job. He puts on his full body respirator suit every day then goes about his business, looking for no special treatment. Truly, he is an inspiration to all.
Vader is second in command to the Emperor. They are Sith Lords, practitioners of the Dark Side of the Force, which basically means they throw shit around in the air and pull it to them as needed, but they do it for evil purposes.
The old man, the farm boy, the space criminal and dog side kick free Princess Leia, a key supporter of the Rebel Alliance, a group that has sworn to free the galaxy from the clutches of the Empire, though honestly, will they rule any better? Sometimes these rebels grab hold of power and are worse than the regime they replaced, you know.
Luke then teams up a squadron of X-Wing fighters, essentially outer space fighter pilots. The Empire has a weapon called the Death Star. It’s an enormous star sized base that has the ability to blow up a planet. It works. Ask Leia’s adopted family back on Alderaan. Oh wait. You can’t. They’ve been blown up.
Luke fires some proton torpedoes through a poorly secured vent, most likely installed by a sub par contractor who assured Vader, “Ahhh fahgeddaboudit, of course all this shit’s secure. Stop worrying and pay me already, will ya?”
And then everyone celebrates and gets medals and shit.
Next time, I will explain Episode 5 – The Empire Strikes Back.
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