Bookshelf Battle

Nianzu was weary. The negotiations tired him. He leaned against the door to the little boy’s room.

“Your Majesty,” Nianzu said. “Please. I beg of you. Open the door for your most humble servant.”

A few moments passed before the boy threw his ball at the door, making a tiny thud. “Ball!”

“This is of no use,” Nianzu said.

Nianzu slumped down on the floor next to Weiyuan and Tengfei.

“Do you two have any bright ideas?” Nianzu asked.

“Nope,” Weiyuan replied.

“Not a one,” Tengfei said.

Nianzu sighed. “Bested by a toddler.”

“Don’t feel bad,” Weiyuan said. “He’s not just any toddler.”

“He’s a toddler with the mandate of heaven,” Tengfei added.

“He doesn’t know the mandate of heaven from his elbow,” Nianzu said.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Weiyuan said. “Of course he does.”

Tengfei tapped the door with his foot. “Your majesty. You know you’ve been selected by forces above to rule us all don’t you?”

A brief pause. A quick thud. “Ball! Hee hee hee.”

The trio turned their heads as they heard General Tsang’s boots scuffle down the hall.

“You three were bested by a toddler?” General Tsang asked.

“A very obstinate toddler,” Nianzu said as he and his compatriots stood up.

General Tsang knocked on the door. “Your majesty?”

“I’m afraid that won’t work,” Nianzu said. “We’ve already tried that and…”

“Your majesty,” General Tsang said. “I have candy.”

Click. The little boy unlocked the doors and General Tsang swung them open.

“Tsang!” the boy said as he smiled and clapped his hands together.

“Yes,” General Tsang said as he scooped the boy up in his arms. “My goodness, little Emperor, you’re getting so big I can hardly lift you.”

“Candy?” the boy asked.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Your Majesty,” the general said. “Tsang has gone and told a fib. I don’t have any.”

The boy frowned.

“But I know where we can find some,” General Tsang said as he tapped the boy on the nose. “We must hurry quickly though as there are some bad men who want to take it away.”

The boy shook his head. “Not my candy!”

“Fear not, Emperor,” General Tsang said as he poked his head out the door. “My men and I will never allow your candy to be stolen.”

General Tsang’s heart sank as he saw Rage Dog coming down the hall with a contingent of undead warriors behind him. The general closed the door and locked it.

Nianzu knew his cousin well. He knew what was going on by the look on the general’s face.

“That bad?” Nianzu asked as he drew his sword. Weiyuan and Tengfei followed suit.

“Indeed,” General Tsang said.

The general put the boy down and knelt down in front of him. “Let’s play a game.”

“I like games,” the boy said.

General Tsang took the Emperor by the hand and led him to the bed. “Now, Tsang wants you to hide under here and close your eyes and put your fingers in your ears.”

“Why?” the boy asked.

The general took a second to ponder the question. “Because it will be fun?”

The boy shrugged his shoulders, then crawled underneath the bed.

General Tsang leaned down to take a look at the boy. “Now whatever you do, don’t come out until Tsang tells you to, OK?”

“OK,” the boy replied.

The general returned to his men. Fists furiously pounded on the door.

“I’ve come to claim the Emperor in the name of Dragonhand!” Rage Dog shouted.

General Tsang drew his sword.

“Cousin,” Nianzu said. “If I die…”

Rage Dog interrupted with a maniacal scream. “You will obey the orders of the Master of the Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite!”

“Strike that,” Nianzu said. “When I die, do find my wife and tell her I love her, will you?”

General Tsang patted Nianzu on the shoulder. “You’ll tell her yourself.”

“Hopefully,” Nianzu said. “But unlikely. Either way, I’ll fight better knowing you’ll tell her. We had an awful fight last night.”

“Her cooking?” Weiyuan asked.

“Your slow libido?” Tengfei added.

Nianzu cleared his throat. “Both issues were involved. Shut up, nitwits, I’m trying to have a moment with my kinsman, here.”

Rage Dog’s fist punched a hole through the wooden door. “I will feast on the brain of any man who opposes me!”

The quartet took up fighting positions and pointed their swords at the door.

“It was a lovely moment, Nianzu,” General Tsang said.

“Was it?” Nianzu asked. “Maybe you’re softer than I thought.”

Another undead fist punched through the door. Then another.

“Don’t tell anyone,” General Tsang said. “I have a reputation to uphold.”

Sparks flew as General Tsang and Captain Yuen clashed their swords together.

“Be practical, old man,” Captain Yuen said. “Join me and we’ll deliver the Emperor to Dragonhand together.”

“You must be a fool if you thought that line would work on me,” General Tsang replied.

The duo slashed and bashed their way down the hallway and into the throne room. Captain Yuen launched a powerful swipe. General Tsang dodged it. He countered with a thrust that would have been devastating had Captain Yuen not blocked it with his sword in time.

“Only a fool would die for a lost cause,” Captain Yuen said. “Dragonhand has already won. Align yourself with the victor.”

General Tsang and Captain Yuen bashed their swords together over and over as they headed up the steps leading to the dragon throne.

“I always have and always will align myself with China,” General Tsang said.

A few more clangs. Some thrusts. Dodges. Finally, General Tsang managed to sneak in a kick. His boot connected to Captain Yuen’s chest, knocking the traitor to the floor. Before Yuen could reach for his sword, he saw Tsang’s sword being held just an inch away from his eyes.

“Forgive me,” Captain Yuen said.

“What?” General Tsang asked.

“I panicked,” Captain Yuen said. “These beasts are so frightening. Fear took control. I’m better now. I will fight with you.”

General Tsang grimaced as he leaned his free hand down. “Damn you, Yuen. You can’t even die like a man.”

Captain Yuen took the general’s hand and help in rising to his feet.

“You’re in no condition to fight,” General Tsang said as he turned his back on Yuen. “I can’t trust you. I’ll lock you in the dungeon until I figure out what to do with you.”

The captain grinned as he saw his sword on the floor, just a foot in front of the dragon throne. “I do not deserve your kindness.”

“No,” the general said as he sheathed his sword. “You do not.”

Captain Yuen picked up his sword and chuckled. “What an imbecile.”

The captain ran at General Tsang and was about to strike when he felt a sharp pain in his gut. General Tsang had pulled a dagger from his belt and turned just in time to introduce it to the captain’s gut.

A surprised Captain Yuen choked up blood and backed up until he fell down into the dragon throne. The dying man managed to utter a few last words. “We were friends once, weren’t we?”

“That we were,” General Tsang said as he ran his hand over the captain’s eyelids, closing them. He pulled his dagger out of his opponent’s stomach, wiped it off with a handkerchief, then sheathed it.

The general stepped back and took in the sight of the palace’s chief of security sitting dead on the dragon throne, red blood pouring out all over the clean white floor.

“Such a shame that so many men have died all over a bloody chair,” General Tsang said.

The general and his men ran through the Forbidden City as reinforcements rushed to the gate.

“Cousin,” Nianzu said. “All these years I thought you’d lost your mind with tales of monsters in the form of men. I am sorry.”

“Apology accepted,” Tsang said.

“Can they be killed, General?” Weiyuan asked.

“Only if you bash their brains in,” General Tsang said as he fished around in his pocket. “Which reminds me…”

The general pulled out a hand full of chrysanthemum flowers. He bit into one, then passed out the rest. “Eat these.”

“Why?” Tengfei asked.

“An old remedy the Infallible Master taught me years ago,” General Tsang. “It works. Kept me from becoming a heart eater, and it’ll keep you from becoming brain eaters.”

“Brain eaters?” Nianzu asked.

“You wouldn’t think they’d be so tempting,” the General said. “But I’ve seen good men turn into fiends after just one whiff of brain.”

The conversation was interrupted by a loud, guttural, “Arrrrggghhh!”

The quartet looked up to see a large, fiery object streak through the sky. As if that weren’t odd enough, the object was….screaming. As it began its descent towards the Imperial Palace steps, the general realized what had happened.

“What in the…he’s setting his warriors on fire and launching them over the wall!”

“Raargh!” The flaming fighter landed on the steps, then immediately charged at General Tsang. The general didn’t flinch as he lopped off the undead beast’s head with one swift swing of his sword.

Nianzu felt bile gurgle up into his throat as he looked down at the still living head.

“’Join the army,’ you said. ‘It’ll be an adventure,’ you said.”

“Complaints later, cousin,” General Tsang said as he crushed the head under his boot.

The quartet rushed up the steps and into the palace, then made their way to the throne room. There they found Captain Yuen and three of his guards standing at attention.

“Are you daft, man?!” the general shouted. “Do you not hear the commotion outside?”

“The Imperial Guard remains with the Emperor at all times,” the captain replied.

The general lifted a curtain behind the Dragon Throne, then marched down a hallway with his men behind him. Captain Yuen and his men followed.

“Stop!” Captain Yuen said.

“Don’t quibble with me over protocol, Yuen!” General Tsang shouted. “The Emperor’s life is at stake.”

The sound of Captain Yuen drawing his sword brought General Tsang to a halt.

“You joined the pig in his betrayal,” General Tsang said as he turned around.

“No…and yes,” Captain Yuen said.

“It can either be one or the other,” General Tsang replied.

“No, because I took no bribes and I never wanted this to happen,” Captain Yuen said. “Yes, because I knew of Zhen’s treachery and did nothing.  I did not want to oppose the Emperor’s advisor.”

“Redeem yourself now and help me,” the general said. “We’ll talk about the shame your cowardice has brought you later.”

“Don’t you see?” Captain Yuen said. “There’s no stopping Dragonhand. He’s grown too strong. His clan is vast. He’ll have the Emperor’s brain whether we live or die…”

Captain Yuen pointed his sword at Tsang. “…and I choose to live.”

“Damn you, Yuen,” General Tsang said as he pointed his sword at his newfound adversary.

The captain turned to his subordinates. “Join the others. Seal off the palace. If Dragonhand wants in, he will have to negotiate with me.”

The Imperial Guardsmen nodded and dispersed.

Nianzu drew his sword. “We’ll make short work of him, cousin.”

General Tsang kept his eyes locked on the captain. “Four against one isn’t very sporting, cousin. You three find the Emperor.”

“But…”

“If I do not rejoin you, keep him safe.”

“But…”

“That’s an order!” General Tsang barked.

Nianzu nodded, then headed down the hall with Weiyuan and Tengfei.

The general and the captain paced about the hallway as they eyeballed one another.

“Is that your little plan?” General Tsang asked. “Trade the Emperor for your life?”

“I want my life,” Captain Yuen said. “He wants the Emperor. It’s a fair trade.”

“I’ve already seen one fool who thought he could bargain with Dragonhand die today,” General Tsang said. “Reconsider and there won’t have to be another.”

“Sorry, old man,” the captain said. “But it is decided.”

General Tsang sneered at his opponent. “So be it.”

The general and the captain charged at one another, shouting battle cries as their swords clanged.