By: Leo McCoy, the Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek
Howdy do, 3.5 readers. Howdy do indeed.
Boy oh boy, Bookshelf Q. Battler sure is insufferable lately, isn’t he? He’s walking around East Randomtown with his chest all puffed out like he’s the cock of the walk, telling everyone he sees, “Hey, I just published a book on Amazon and you should go download it for free this weekend.” I bet the guy will even turn that last quote into a hyperlink. Dang, BQB, you’re such a predictable tool bag.
Sure, it’s a big milestone for our favorite nerd but holy crap nuggets, you know what else is a big achievement? Delivering a sandwich to James Van Der Beek but did I go around telling everyone about it?
OK. Yes I did. I told like thousands of people and still do to this very day. But I didn’t write a book about it. I tried to, but all the publishers I sent a pitch letter to rejected me on account of the fact they didn’t think I’d be able to squeeze more than a chapter out about my chance encounter with JVDB. (That’s what we Van Der Beek Tweakers call ourselves.)
Joke’s on the traditional publishing industry. They didn’t think I’d be able to squeeze out more than a chapter? Hell, I’ve squeezed out an entire lifetime’s worth of satisfaction and happiness out of that one meeting. Double hell, a freight train could collide with my face tomorrow and I’d shout, “I regret nothing, for I met James Van Der Beek!”
Oh la dee da, all the East Randomtownsfolk are up BQB’s butt with a coconut, peddling a bunch of trash talk about how BQB is now officially the most famous man in East Randomtown because he put up a book on Amazon and gave away a few free copies, which, let’s be honest here, because there’s no doubt in my mind that all the free copies BQB has given away so far are being downloaded by his Aunt Gertie.
Tarnation, I wish I had my own Aunt Gertie. Maybe then I’d have the self-confidence I need to start my own blog and get my own 3.5 readers. Nah, that doesn’t mean I’m jealous of BQB. What’s there to be jealous of? BQB never met James Van Der Beek.
Wait, do you think BQB will get to meet James Van Der Beek now that he’s a big time fancy pants Amazon Kindle author? Son of a monkey stink, I better up my game.
I know what I got to do now. I have got to deliver a sandwich to that kid who played Pacey. Anyone remember his name? Aw hell, who could remember anything when you’re mind is clouded with images of JVDB’s flaxen hair and steamy come hither eyes?
Not that I’m gay or nothin.’