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Sep 03 2016
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East Randomtown News

East Randomtown Mayor’s Race – Issue #1 – Zombie Flesh Eating Iguanas

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Zombie Flesh Eating Iguanas: Friend or Foe?

Soon, it will be one year since the outbreak of a massive zombie apocalypse that engrossed East Randomtown.

The zombies are long gone in spirit but their flesh remains.  Boy howdy, do they remain because literally every surface in town is covered with zombie guts.

Cleanup efforts have been underway for quite some time, but they have barely scratched the surface.

Shortly after the zombie apocalypse concluded, scores of wild zombie flesh eating iguanas descended upon East Randomtown.  They’ve become a nuisance, almost like squirrels with scales.

But as it turns out, iguanas love the taste of zombie meat.

QUESTION: SHOULD THE ZOMBIE FLESH EATING IGUANAS BE ALLOWED TO STAY IN EAST RANDOMTOWN?

Mayoral candidates Bookshelf Q. Battler, proprietor of a website with 3.5 readers and Leo McKoy, the man who once delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek, have the floor.

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Acting Mayor Battler

Thank you. As acting mayor, allow me to say that the zombie flesh eating iguanas are a welcome addition to our community.

Sure, they scurry around our feet and get in the way but the important thing to remember is that they are helping us get rid of the zombie carcasses that litter our town.

I don’t want to clean up all those zombie bodies. You don’t want to clean up those zombie bodies. If our little green friends are willing to eat the zombie bodies, then what’s the big deal?

Frankly, these zombie flesh eating iguanas are just eating the zombie flesh that East Randomtown’s current small animal population can’t be bothered to eat.

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Mayoral Candidate McKoy

Battler, the last two brain cells in your stupid head need to hump and produce some more brain cells quick lest their entire kind go extinct, because what you just said was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my entire life.

Who are these zombie flesh eating iguanas? What are they doing here? What do they want?

Has anyone ever bothered to ask them? Perhaps their long term goal is to eat us. Any of you yahoos ever stop and think of that?

When these iguanas are done eating all the dead zombie flesh, will they move along or will they become wards of the state that hard working tax paying Americans will have to support once the last bit of zombie flesh has been consumed?

What about East Randomtown’s squirrels?  What about our rats?  Mice? What about our pigeons?

What about our many, many trash animals have been scurrying about our streets aimlessly in search of opportunity?

Shouldn’t our own rodents get first dibs on all that zombie flesh before we start importing thousands and thousands of iguanas?

I can’t count the number of poor, downtrodden, starving badgers I’ve spoken to on the campaign trail who tell me that they can’t get a fair chance at a chunk of leftover zombie flesh because its all being scooped up by dastardly out of town iguanas from God only knows where.

Further, how do we know that consuming zombie flesh is good for anyone?  I’m no scientist, but it would seem to me that allowing iguanas to consume zombie flesh might very well turn those iguanas into a new species of rabid, man eating zombie iguanas.

Better safe than sorry, I always say. Tell those little green piles of puke to move on to the next town because we’ve got enough problems as it is.

There you have it, 3.5 readers. The candidates have sounded off on the very important iguana issue.  Who do you side with?  BQB or Leo McKoy?

Discuss in the comments.

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Apr 04 2016
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East Randomtown Mayor's Race

POLITICAL AD: Why Leo McKoy is a Lying Douche/Evil Robot and You Should Vote Bookshelf Q. Battler for East Randomtown Mayor

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Bookshelf Q. Battler – Owner of a Blog with 3.5 Readers, World Renowned Poindexter, Epic Nerdventurer, Reviewer of Pop Cultural Happenings, Champion Yeti Fighter and Acting Mayor of East Randomtown

Leo McKoy sure has been tossing a lot of insults toward Acting Mayor Battler this season. Meanwhile, here at the Battler campaign, we have refused to trade barbs with McKoy as we’re aware someone as hostile and angry as he is probably has a microscopic wang.

But let’s look at the facts, shall we?

East Randomtownsfolk have long looked to its town’s most famous citizens for leadership.

Mr. McKoy claims fame as “The Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek.”

But did he really?  When you think about it…

…other than Leo McKoy himself, do we have anyone else’s word that McKoy actually delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek?

No.  No we do not.

Let’s pick apart McKoy’s claim.

THAT JAMES VAN DER BEEK WAS IN EAST RANDOMTOWN

Why in God’s name would a popular celebrity with a hit television show (it was the late 90’s at the height of Van Der Beek’s fame when the Creek was on) be caught dead in a shithole like East Randomtown?

The East Randomtown Chamber of Commerce surveyed the town population:

QUESTION:  Where would you like to be?

East Randomtown – .1 %

Anywhere Else Because East Randomtown Sucks Ass- .99%

*The guy that voted he’d like to be here later admitted he checked the wrong box by accident, thus indicating that literally no one in this town wants to be here because it sucks so much ass.

There you have it.  So why would a celebrity be in East Randomtown?  He wouldn’t be.  No one wants to be in East Randomtown, let alone rich famous people who don’t have to be.

JAMES VAN DER BEEK ORDERED A REUBEN SANDWICH, BARBECUE CHIPS AND A SPRITE

James Van Der Beek maintains the body of a Greek god to this day, and certainly did while his show was on air in the late 1990’s.

Thus, we have a hard time believing that Mr. Van Der Beek would have stuffed his face with deli food.  Everyone knows actors only eat twigs, berries and lettuce leaves.

Could he have splurged for a reuben sandwich, with its high calorie content and all? Maybe.

But would he have also ordered chips?  And don’t you think he would have at least asked for a Diet Sprite?

Like a scab, the more you pick at McKoy’s story, the more disgusting shit falls out of it.

LEO MCKOY COULD POSSIBLY BE A DAMN ROBOT

We all saw McKoy die during last October’s zombie apocalypse, didn’t we?  He was torn about by hungry zombies who didn’t leave much of our town’s most notorious barfly behind.

We here at the Battler campaign have wracked our brains, trying to figure out how McKoy could still be alive after all of that and our only answer is that he is most likely a robot, possibly controlled by the forces of evil.

To be fair, we have absolutely no evidence of this, but you should believe it without question anyway, because this ad is on the Internet and everybody knows that shit doesn’t get published on the Internet unless it is one hundred percent true.

Do you want someone who claims to be famous or someone who is famous?

Frankly, the only person who can corroborate that Leo McKoy actually delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek is James Van Der Beek.  We doubt someone as noble and awesome as Mr. Van Der Beek would ever come to McKoy’s aid.

Meanwhile, Bookshelf Q. Battler has indeed set up a WordPress blog that attracts the attention of 3.5 readers.  He’s happy to share the stats that prove this claim upon request.

You only get one vote, people.  Cast yours for Bookshelf Q. Battler.  He can do for East Randomtown what he has done for his blog.

PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT LEO MCKOY IS A LYING DOUCHE AND ALSO AN EVIL ROBOT AND THEREFORE YOU SHOULD VOTE BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER FOR EAST RANDOMTOWN MAYOR

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