PRO: They’d have something to eat.
CON: They might get fat.
PRO: They’d have something to eat.
CON: They might get fat.
3.5 readers, are you aware that in March, it will be the fourth anniversary of this exceptional blog?
That’s more years than I have readers.
Although you are all wonderful, I must admit that four years to gain such a paltry sum of readers wasn’t worth it.
I could continue this blog but lately, the issues of the day really weigh heavily on my mind and soul. So much fighting. So much disharmony and discord. So many problems in the world, so much unrest. So many people struggling, looking for hope and finding none.
I can no longer waste my time on writing fart jokes. Fart jokes are crass and they help no one. I must, instead, make a difference, so I have decided to start a new blog, one in which I will discuss the many important issues of the day. Further, I will reach out to experts from a variety of backgrounds to get their take on how the world might improve.
I’d love it if you all follow me to this new blog and hopefully it will have more than 3.5 readers. If you would check it out and give me your feedback, I’d appreciate it.
Happy Friday, 3.5 readers.
BQB here. Do you ever wish you weren’t so smart? I do. All the time.
I’m surrounded by dumb people. They never worry about anything. I worry about everything because I’m so smart that my information filled brain realizes all of the potential bad things that could happen in any given situation.
Plus, I’m always down on myself because I feel like I failed, that I should have used my intelligence to do bigger, better things.
Do you know who doesn’t get down on themselves for failure? Dumb people. Know why? They’re dumb. You can’t realize you failed if you’re too dumb to figure out what success is.
Seriously. Sometimes I think it would be easier to be a dummy. Just watch TV and not worry about anything because there isn’t anything in my brain telling me to be worried or sad that I’m not super successful.
Then again, maybe I’m not that smart. After all, I do work at Beige Corporation and moonlight as the proprietor of a blog that is only seen by 3.5 readers. Perhaps I took a wrong turn an Albuquerque.
Crap. No, I don’t really want to be a dummy. Now I’m questioning my intelligence though. I mean, if I’m so smart, why haven’t I figured out how to get 30.5 million readers by now?
I also feel like dumb people hate smart people. Know why? Being around them makes them feel, in a weird way, smart. You know what a dumb person’s favorite pastime is? Pointing out whenever a dumb person does something dumb.
You ever accidentally forget to tie your shoelace around a dumb person? You know what they always say? “What? They don’t teach you how to tie shoelaces in college? Har dee har har!”
Shut up, dumb person. No, they don’t teach you how to tie your shoe laces in college.
Alright. This rant is getting dumb. Peace out, 3.5 readers. And if you think your intelligence is a curse, tell me about it in the comments.
Also, I’m just kidding. I don’t think my intelligence is a curse. I think I have just been held back by a world that is too dumb to realize my genius. It’s ok though. It makes me feel superior.
3.5 readers, please place your comments here vis a vis your theories as to why I don’t have more than 3.5 readers. Thank you.
Hey 3.5 readers.
A new feature on this awesome blog. Point/Counterpoint. Various esteemed pundits will take each other one regarding the important issues of the day.
First up, I, Bookshelf Q. Battler, debate a smelly raccoon on whether or not he should be allowed to knock over my trash cans and feed on the disgusting insides.
Care to weigh in? Let me know who you think won the debate in the comments.
Hey 3.5 readers.
Got a big ass mind-blowing question for you.
How sure are we that we all see the same exact things?
For example, what if the color I see as blue, you see as red? Every time I see something I think is blue, you see it as red. We never realize we see the color differently because technically, we’re talking about the same thing.
I see people that look like humans. But what if what you think humans look like and what I think they look like are different?
What if people look like giant lizards to you, but they look like people to me?
What if actual lizards look like tiny people to you?
Sure, this all sounds ridiculous, and it is unlikely, but no one has ever been able to see through the eyes of another before, so how can we e so sure that we are all looking at the same thing?
Well…that’s kind of a scary title for a blog post but don’t worry, I’ll make sense of it in a minute.
A kid from my graduating class at East Randomtown High School died this week. Late thirties. I can’t say I was friends with him but there wasn’t any reason for that. Our paths just didn’t cross that much. I have memories of being a nice little kid and playing with him at recess and stuff but other than that, I didn’t know him as an adult or anything.
Makes me sad…a) because you never know how much time we have left and b) they guy was in better shape than I am so holy shit, I should probably skip the next donut.
Oh what the hell. Give me the donut.
Video Game Rack Fighter and I don’t have children. It saddens me. Thought I would by this age.
Men apparently have biological clocks too. I mean, sure, in theory, a seventy year old man can knock up a chick but that’s a) if you make it to 70 and b) it won’t be that much fun to be a dad because you’ll be too tired to play with the kid and c) really, only a select handful of men can pull off impregnating a younger woman.
Ahh, you forgot that part. A 70 year old man can’t impregnate a 70 year old woman i.e. a woman in his league because her lady area is all dried up and filled with bats and spiders and so on.
Not that I’m knocking the older gals. I’m sure old men probably just have a little flag that shoots out of their privates that reads, “Thanks for playing. Try again.”
Anyway, only super rich 70 year olds can woo and knock up a younger woman. Like our 45th POTUS, the Trumpster, for example. He knocked up a younger woman when he was 60 and now he has a ten year old at 70.
Good for him, but I don’t own any skyscrapers that I can point to when I’m 70 and say, “Hey, younger women, I own this and I can give you a good life so please allow me to impregnate you and a good time will be had by all.”
That’s exactly how I’d say it too. I’m such a romantic.
Just saddens me all around.
Because now I’m just thinking like, realistically, even now I’m pushing it and at best I have a couple years left to put a bun in the oven before I’m the oldest baker at the kid’s graduation.
Maybe I should just adopt a bunch of poor orphans and become their father. I can fill BQB HQ with orphans and turn the place into an orphan sanctuary.
I just don’t want to be forgotten, 3.5 readers.
What say you?
Hey 3.5 readers.
I don’t have a big build up here. I just want to know what do all 3.5 of you think the key to happiness is?
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Soon, it will be one year since the outbreak of a massive zombie apocalypse that engrossed East Randomtown.
The zombies are long gone in spirit but their flesh remains. Boy howdy, do they remain because literally every surface in town is covered with zombie guts.
Cleanup efforts have been underway for quite some time, but they have barely scratched the surface.
Shortly after the zombie apocalypse concluded, scores of wild zombie flesh eating iguanas descended upon East Randomtown. They’ve become a nuisance, almost like squirrels with scales.
But as it turns out, iguanas love the taste of zombie meat.
QUESTION: SHOULD THE ZOMBIE FLESH EATING IGUANAS BE ALLOWED TO STAY IN EAST RANDOMTOWN?
Mayoral candidates Bookshelf Q. Battler, proprietor of a website with 3.5 readers and Leo McKoy, the man who once delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek, have the floor.
Thank you. As acting mayor, allow me to say that the zombie flesh eating iguanas are a welcome addition to our community.
Sure, they scurry around our feet and get in the way but the important thing to remember is that they are helping us get rid of the zombie carcasses that litter our town.
I don’t want to clean up all those zombie bodies. You don’t want to clean up those zombie bodies. If our little green friends are willing to eat the zombie bodies, then what’s the big deal?
Frankly, these zombie flesh eating iguanas are just eating the zombie flesh that East Randomtown’s current small animal population can’t be bothered to eat.
Battler, the last two brain cells in your stupid head need to hump and produce some more brain cells quick lest their entire kind go extinct, because what you just said was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my entire life.
Who are these zombie flesh eating iguanas? What are they doing here? What do they want?
Has anyone ever bothered to ask them? Perhaps their long term goal is to eat us. Any of you yahoos ever stop and think of that?
When these iguanas are done eating all the dead zombie flesh, will they move along or will they become wards of the state that hard working tax paying Americans will have to support once the last bit of zombie flesh has been consumed?
What about East Randomtown’s squirrels? What about our rats? Mice? What about our pigeons?
What about our many, many trash animals have been scurrying about our streets aimlessly in search of opportunity?
Shouldn’t our own rodents get first dibs on all that zombie flesh before we start importing thousands and thousands of iguanas?
I can’t count the number of poor, downtrodden, starving badgers I’ve spoken to on the campaign trail who tell me that they can’t get a fair chance at a chunk of leftover zombie flesh because its all being scooped up by dastardly out of town iguanas from God only knows where.
Further, how do we know that consuming zombie flesh is good for anyone? I’m no scientist, but it would seem to me that allowing iguanas to consume zombie flesh might very well turn those iguanas into a new species of rabid, man eating zombie iguanas.
Better safe than sorry, I always say. Tell those little green piles of puke to move on to the next town because we’ve got enough problems as it is.
There you have it, 3.5 readers. The candidates have sounded off on the very important iguana issue. Who do you side with? BQB or Leo McKoy?
Discuss in the comments.
Happy Friday 3.5 Readers.
The new Star Trek movie is out today, so I’ll ask, what is your favorite Star Trek episode or movie? The original, the Next Generation, all the other shows, movies, etc.