Zombie Flesh Eating Iguanas: Friend or Foe?
Soon, it will be one year since the outbreak of a massive zombie apocalypse that engrossed East Randomtown.
The zombies are long gone in spirit but their flesh remains. Boy howdy, do they remain because literally every surface in town is covered with zombie guts.
Cleanup efforts have been underway for quite some time, but they have barely scratched the surface.
Shortly after the zombie apocalypse concluded, scores of wild zombie flesh eating iguanas descended upon East Randomtown. They’ve become a nuisance, almost like squirrels with scales.
But as it turns out, iguanas love the taste of zombie meat.
QUESTION: SHOULD THE ZOMBIE FLESH EATING IGUANAS BE ALLOWED TO STAY IN EAST RANDOMTOWN?
Mayoral candidates Bookshelf Q. Battler, proprietor of a website with 3.5 readers and Leo McKoy, the man who once delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek, have the floor.
Acting Mayor Battler
Thank you. As acting mayor, allow me to say that the zombie flesh eating iguanas are a welcome addition to our community.
Sure, they scurry around our feet and get in the way but the important thing to remember is that they are helping us get rid of the zombie carcasses that litter our town.
I don’t want to clean up all those zombie bodies. You don’t want to clean up those zombie bodies. If our little green friends are willing to eat the zombie bodies, then what’s the big deal?
Frankly, these zombie flesh eating iguanas are just eating the zombie flesh that East Randomtown’s current small animal population can’t be bothered to eat.
Mayoral Candidate McKoy
Battler, the last two brain cells in your stupid head need to hump and produce some more brain cells quick lest their entire kind go extinct, because what you just said was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my entire life.
Who are these zombie flesh eating iguanas? What are they doing here? What do they want?
Has anyone ever bothered to ask them? Perhaps their long term goal is to eat us. Any of you yahoos ever stop and think of that?
When these iguanas are done eating all the dead zombie flesh, will they move along or will they become wards of the state that hard working tax paying Americans will have to support once the last bit of zombie flesh has been consumed?
What about East Randomtown’s squirrels? What about our rats? Mice? What about our pigeons?
What about our many, many trash animals have been scurrying about our streets aimlessly in search of opportunity?
Shouldn’t our own rodents get first dibs on all that zombie flesh before we start importing thousands and thousands of iguanas?
I can’t count the number of poor, downtrodden, starving badgers I’ve spoken to on the campaign trail who tell me that they can’t get a fair chance at a chunk of leftover zombie flesh because its all being scooped up by dastardly out of town iguanas from God only knows where.
Further, how do we know that consuming zombie flesh is good for anyone? I’m no scientist, but it would seem to me that allowing iguanas to consume zombie flesh might very well turn those iguanas into a new species of rabid, man eating zombie iguanas.
Better safe than sorry, I always say. Tell those little green piles of puke to move on to the next town because we’ve got enough problems as it is.
There you have it, 3.5 readers. The candidates have sounded off on the very important iguana issue. Who do you side with? BQB or Leo McKoy?
Discuss in the comments.