Tag Archives: mayor’s race

East Randomtown Mayor’s Race -Vote for Leo McKoy Because Bookshelf Q. Battler is an Epic Doucheface and His Dumb Blog Should Be Banned Because it Stinks

shutterstock_287108603

Statesman. Barfly. Deliverer of Sandwiches to the Stars. Leo McKoy Needs Your Vote.

Bookshelf Q. Battler.

He thinks he’s a real great hero, what because he saved East Randomtown from a zombie apocalypse.

And sure, he has a WordPress blog with 3.5 readers.

Leo McKoy could pull rank and mention how he once delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek, the actor who played Dawson on Dawson’s Creek.

But Leo would rather talk about the issues.

FREE POTATO AND FIXINGS BAR

Leo McKoy has been saying it for years. “What? This town doesn’t have a free potato bar? When did I fall asleep and get transported to Communist Russia?”

That’s right. Because the Communist Russians do not have free potato bars because they hate freedom and also potatoes.

If Leo McKoy is elected, he will personally provide over a free potato bar in the town square every Monday or, if Monday is a holiday, then he will hold the potato bar on Tuesday because you shouldn’t expect him to give up his Monday holiday, you ingrates.

Bacon bits. Sour cream. Butter. Chives. Chili. Refried beans. Tabasco sauce. Ketchup. Mustard. Ninety-five different kinds of ice cream. Thousand island dressing. Ranch dressing. Honey mustard.

If you can put it on a potato, then your free town potato bar will have it.

East Randomtownians will never have to put shoes on their hands and gloves on their feet and walk around on their hands as if their hands were feet on Leo McKoy’s watch.

Leo McKoy was the only candidate to pledge that our dear townsfolk will never be subjugated to a law that requires them to wear shoes on their hands and use their hands as their feet and their feet as their hands.

That would be a ridiculous law and Leo McKoy does not care that such a method of walking is required by the town’s bylaws. McKoy will not rest until that bylaw is repealed and East Randomtownians are walking on their feet like honest, God fearing folk.

CATS WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO READ YOUR MINDS

That’s right. If you believe your cat is trying to read your mind, report said feline to Mayor McKoy and your cat will spend the rest of his or her nine lives in cat prison.

Also, Mayor McKoy will expend most of the town’s treasury on the construction of a cat prison.

WE WILL CREATE AN ALL MILF POLICE FORCE

East Randomtown’s police force will be staffed by a bevy of forty year old babes who have given birth yet still managed to keep their shit hella tight and defy gravity.

If you are going to do some shit that’s going to get you arrested, you’ll feel a lot better if you’re hauled in by a MILF.

NO ONE WILL BE ALLOWED TO QUESTION IF MAYOR MCKOY IS A ROBOT

Bookshelf Q. Battler lied when he said he saw McKoy get eaten by zombies. McKoy is not a robot and he is so certain the townsfolk trust him that he will make it illegal to have politicians checked for metal balls.

MONEY WILL NOT BE WASTED ON RIDICULOUS THINGS

A McKoy administration will tighten the town’s belt by doing the following:

  • The East Randomtown Library will be shuttered and bulldozed. No one has stepped foot in it since it was discovered that books steal your souls.
  • All subjects at East Randomtown High School will be cancelled and replaced with one catch all class entitled, “Keeping it Real.” Taught by Mayor McKoy himself, students will learn that math is bullshit, science is a load of crap and no one needs to know what how to read the Englishes good as long as they know how to keep it real.
  • The town dump will be closed. Residents will be encouraged to sweep trash under their beds.  You can always get more trash under your bed so stop complaining.
  • Roads will not be repaved. Everyone is too fat and will be required to walk everywhere. Seriously, people. Look at yourselves. Even Mayor McKoy wouldn’t make a pass at you, that’s how fat you all are.

A STATUTE OF JAMES AND LEO

That’s right. A solid gold statute will be built to memorialize the glorious time when Leo McKoy delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek.

BAN THE BOOKSHELF BATTLE BLOG

You know with all the zombie attacks, and the yeti always going on a tear, and the space aliens always parking their ships on our front lawns and probing people in unflattering places, life sure isn’t easy in East Randomtown.

But has anyone noticed that life got worse around the same time Bookshelf Q. Battler started his stupid blog?

BQB’s blog is a magnet that pulls every last supernatural asshole in the universe to our humble town.

Thus, when Leo McKoy is elected, he will shut down BQB’s entire operation.  All the weirdo monsters that keep descending on our town will get lost and BQB’s 3.5 readers will never be entertained again.

CONCLUSION

A lot of people talk about delivering a sandwich to a 1990s teen heart throb but Leo McKoy was the only man with the guts to actually do it.

Did you do it? No? Then shut your suck hole and be a man and vote for Leo McKoy, because he’ll stop BQB and his dumb blog from destroying our lousy ass town.

PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER IS A STUPID DOUCHEFACE WHOSE BLOG SHOULD BE SHUT DOWN SO VOTE FOR LEO MCKOY OR EVERYTHING BAD THAT HAPPENS IN THIS TOWN IS YOUR FAULT BECAUSE HE TRIED TO WARN YOU

 

Tagged , , , , , , ,

POLITICAL AD: Why Leo McKoy is a Lying Douche/Evil Robot and You Should Vote Bookshelf Q. Battler for East Randomtown Mayor

shutterstock_236377546-2

Bookshelf Q. Battler – Owner of a Blog with 3.5 Readers, World Renowned Poindexter, Epic Nerdventurer, Reviewer of Pop Cultural Happenings, Champion Yeti Fighter and Acting Mayor of East Randomtown

Leo McKoy sure has been tossing a lot of insults toward Acting Mayor Battler this season. Meanwhile, here at the Battler campaign, we have refused to trade barbs with McKoy as we’re aware someone as hostile and angry as he is probably has a microscopic wang.

But let’s look at the facts, shall we?

East Randomtownsfolk have long looked to its town’s most famous citizens for leadership.

Mr. McKoy claims fame as “The Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek.”

But did he really?  When you think about it…

…other than Leo McKoy himself, do we have anyone else’s word that McKoy actually delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek?

No.  No we do not.

Let’s pick apart McKoy’s claim.

THAT JAMES VAN DER BEEK WAS IN EAST RANDOMTOWN

Why in God’s name would a popular celebrity with a hit television show (it was the late 90’s at the height of Van Der Beek’s fame when the Creek was on) be caught dead in a shithole like East Randomtown?

The East Randomtown Chamber of Commerce surveyed the town population:

QUESTION:  Where would you like to be?

East Randomtown – .1 %

Anywhere Else Because East Randomtown Sucks Ass- .99%

*The guy that voted he’d like to be here later admitted he checked the wrong box by accident, thus indicating that literally no one in this town wants to be here because it sucks so much ass.

There you have it.  So why would a celebrity be in East Randomtown?  He wouldn’t be.  No one wants to be in East Randomtown, let alone rich famous people who don’t have to be.

JAMES VAN DER BEEK ORDERED A REUBEN SANDWICH, BARBECUE CHIPS AND A SPRITE

James Van Der Beek maintains the body of a Greek god to this day, and certainly did while his show was on air in the late 1990’s.

Thus, we have a hard time believing that Mr. Van Der Beek would have stuffed his face with deli food.  Everyone knows actors only eat twigs, berries and lettuce leaves.

Could he have splurged for a reuben sandwich, with its high calorie content and all? Maybe.

But would he have also ordered chips?  And don’t you think he would have at least asked for a Diet Sprite?

Like a scab, the more you pick at McKoy’s story, the more disgusting shit falls out of it.

LEO MCKOY COULD POSSIBLY BE A DAMN ROBOT

We all saw McKoy die during last October’s zombie apocalypse, didn’t we?  He was torn about by hungry zombies who didn’t leave much of our town’s most notorious barfly behind.

We here at the Battler campaign have wracked our brains, trying to figure out how McKoy could still be alive after all of that and our only answer is that he is most likely a robot, possibly controlled by the forces of evil.

To be fair, we have absolutely no evidence of this, but you should believe it without question anyway, because this ad is on the Internet and everybody knows that shit doesn’t get published on the Internet unless it is one hundred percent true.

Do you want someone who claims to be famous or someone who is famous?

Frankly, the only person who can corroborate that Leo McKoy actually delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek is James Van Der Beek.  We doubt someone as noble and awesome as Mr. Van Der Beek would ever come to McKoy’s aid.

Meanwhile, Bookshelf Q. Battler has indeed set up a WordPress blog that attracts the attention of 3.5 readers.  He’s happy to share the stats that prove this claim upon request.

You only get one vote, people.  Cast yours for Bookshelf Q. Battler.  He can do for East Randomtown what he has done for his blog.

PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT LEO MCKOY IS A LYING DOUCHE AND ALSO AN EVIL ROBOT AND THEREFORE YOU SHOULD VOTE BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER FOR EAST RANDOMTOWN MAYOR

Tagged , , , , , , , ,