Tag Archives: films

Movie Review – Casablanca (1942)

Here’s looking at you, 3.5 readers.

I watched Casablanca a year ago with the intention of reviewing it for this glorious blog.  I’d seen it before but my mind needed a refresher.  Alas, as Rick and Ilsa’s song reminds us, “time goes by” and writing a review of this masterpiece slipped my mind.

Luckily, seeing Allied gave me a refresher.

So without further ado, BQB here with a review of Casablanca.

Do I need to give a spoiler warning?  You’ve had over seventy years to watch this flick.

And if you haven’t watched it yet, you should, because it holds up.

(In all seriousness, this is a review for people who have seen and loved the film.  If you haven’t seen it yet, stop reading, go watch it, then come back here.  Otherwise, you’ll be disappointed).

The set-up?  At one time, Morocco had been (owned, occupied, colonized, swiped, insert the word here) by France.  When Nazi forces swept into France in World War II, Frenchmen had to choose between surrender and fighting through underground guerrilla warfare (the French resistance).

Those who chose the former became known as the Vichy government.  Nazis officials flooded into France and backseat drove the French officials who opted not to fight.

To make matters more complicated, the situation extended into Morocco, where Nazis backseat drove the Vichy French officials there, sort of a double-occupation where French occupiers were being bossed around by their own German occupiers.

What a revolting development.

As explained in the film early on, Morocco was a den of thieves, villains, cut throats and spies.  Moreover, Europeans made a pilgrimage to the African city in the hopes of escaping the war by securing passage to Portugal (and then to other less dangerous places in the world like America).

Against this backdrop of sin and inequity, the hard drinking, clinically cynical American expatriate Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart) runs a nightclub filled with all manner of depravity.  Rick’s got a seedy past that isn’t fully explained but you’re left with the impression that he isn’t exactly welcome in the States anymore.

When Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman) left him waiting at a train station in France years earlier, Rick’s heart turned to stone and he swore from then on he’d live a life where he’d only look out for number one – i.e. himself.

But that resolution is tested when Ilsa enter’s Rick’s club.  “Of all the gin joints in all the world, why did she have to walk into mine?”

Without giving away too much of the story, Ilsa is now with Victor Laszlo (Paul Henried), a famed leader of the anti-Nazi movement.  Whereas Rick has long given up on idealism for quick bucks, Laszlo leaves and breathes French patriotism and is willing to die for it.

Blah, blah, blah, stuff happens and ultimately Rick must choose between seizing a love he thought was lost to him forever or sacrificing himself for the greater good of defeating the Nazis.

SPOILER ALERT – he chooses defeating the Nazis.  Surely, you knew this by now unless you have been living under a rock for years.

Even though you already know it, it is very emotional to watch.

In the end, the greater good wins out over love and it is up to the audience to decide whether or not that was the right outcome.

If you are an idealist, then you cheer Rick on as he allows Victor to take his seat on a Portugal bound plane.

If you are a cynic, then you think Rick is a schmuck for not grabbing his woman and not letting go, as a woman you love who loves you back is a rarity in this life.

But ultimately, if you are an idealist, you realize the people who need to be together, end up together.

Laszlo and Ilsa, we can only assume, go on to continue their anti-Nazi fight once Victor is away from the clutches of the villainous Major Strasser (Conrad Veidt).

As for Rick, his “beautiful friendship” with Captain Louis Renault (Claude Raines) begins.

Raines steals the show as Renault as he puts on full display the difficult situation many Frenchmen found themselves in during this time.  Louis is no fan of the Nazis, but he is a fan of breathing and having a job so like a henpecked husband he caters to his German masters, but does so in a comic manner.

Rick and Louis are foils that feed off one another.  Rick’s cynicism is dark and brooding whereas Louis’ cynicism is, at times, downright funny.  Louis realizes he is stuck in a ridiculous situation but with a deadpan tone that belies an undercurrent of sarcasm, he does what is required of him.

Example – when the Nazis order Louis to shut down Rick’s joint, Louis does so and declares, “I am shocked to find gambling in this establishment!”

Then with perfect comedic timing, a dealer hands Louis a stack of cash and says, “Your winnings, sir” to which Louis replies, “Thank you.”

That scene has served as a criticism of politicians and public officials who act “shocked” by lousy situations when in reality, they have long known of them.

Thus, the greater good wins.  Rick and Ilsa would have been happier together, but the world needed Victor and Ilsa to continue their resistance efforts, just as the world needed Rick and Louis, a couple of jaded, cynical connivers to get together and use their underhanded skills to undermine the Nazis at every turn.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Get out of your comfort zone and watch a black and white movie.  You’ll be glad you did.

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Movie Trailer -Wonder Woman

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here again with another movie trailer, this time for Wonder Woman.

From the outset, I like it.

It’s got fine ass Amazonian warrior babes which is what I want to see in a Wonder Woman movie, and also at BQB Headquarters at all times.

It looks like effort has been made to produce a story line, which is an improvement over that Batman vs. Superman garbage we were given earlier this year.

I am slightly concerned that maybe they’re just bogarting the Captain America movie – i.e. they’re both superheroes that fought in a war a long time ago and then end up in modern times.

B vs S sucked. I did not think that Suicide Squad sucked though the critics did.

I’ll keep my fingers crossed that Wonder Woman will leave me and the critical world happy.

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What is Your Favorite Halloween Movie?

Hey 3.5 readers.

What is your favorite Halloween movie?

I don’t mean the Halloween series with Michael Myers, per se, although you could mention one of those.

In general, what is your favorite scary movie to watch around Halloween time?

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Movie Review – Deepwater Horizon (2016)

A real life oil rig catastrophe is turned into a movie.

SPOILER ALERT? Well, didn’t you have the TV on at all in 2010?

BQB here with a review of Deepwater Horizon.

This movie tells the story of the oil rig explosion that led to oil being spilled into the Gulf of Mexico for eighty-seven days in 2010.

Remember that news story, folks? Every day you’d turn on the TV and they’d have the video of all that oil spouting off into the water?

Yikes. Those days surely sucked.

Interestingly, this movie is all action, yet it also seeks to educate.

 

There’s a lot of science and engineering behind oil rig drilling. Thus, the film’s challenge from the beginning is to take a subject that experts take years to learn about and pass off the basics to the viewer, or at least the info they need to know so the movie isn’t entirely baffling.

At times, I felt like I learned something. At other times, the characters get into the complexities and my eyes glaze over and I’m just like, “Yup. This thing’s gonna blow up. Got it.”

As the film tells it, oil rig boss Jimmy Harrell (Kurt Russell) squares off against BP executive Vidrine (John Malkovich).  The overall implication that comes out of the movie is that BP was cutting corners, ignored Harrell’s advice and blah, blah blah I’ll let you watch it yourself but suffice to say, the whole thing went kaboom.

Here’s the big thing I noticed. This was an action film…but it was a realistic action film.

You know those action films where there’s an explosion and two seconds later the hero is fine?

Yeah. This isn’t one of those.

As the rig comes down, we see bones break, people get burned, thrown around, crushed and badly injured.  People end up running around in pain (and the pain shows) with pieces of glass and debris stuck in them.

In the midst of it all, people are people. Some do great, heroic things. Others get scared and panic.

As a viewer you’re like, “Wait!  Isn’t Arnold Schwarzenegger going to swoop in any minute now and save everyone and never get a scratch on him and then he’ll say a clever one liner?”

Nope. Heck, Mark Wahlberg as technician Mike Williams doesn’t even give us an SNL inspired, “Say hello to your mother for me.”

Gina Rodriguez stars as rig worker Andrea Fleytas and Kate Hudson stars as Mike’s wife.

Mmmm.  Kate Hudson. I’d jump off a burning oil rig to swim to her, by God.

What? Too soon to make jokes? Come on. It’s been six years.

This movie left me with a greater appreciation for people who have rough, dangerous jobs. If you know an oil rig worker, give him/her a hug…well….ask first. Remember, no means no.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Top Ten Moviegoers That I Can’t Stand

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Probably not the best stock photo, given that these people all seem to be observing movie theater etiquette…although that guy in the grey shirt with the soda may very well be dating both of those chicks.

Hello 3.5 readers.

For me, the theater is a sacred place.

You plunk down your cash.  You cut yourself off from the world for two hours and you enjoy a director’s vision as it unfolds upon the big screen.

But there are some people who just don’t get it.

Thus, from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Moviegoers I Can’t Stand:

10.  The “What Have I Seen Him In?” Guy – This is the guy who demands that you tell him a) an actor’s name and b) a list of films the actor has been in.

Ignore this man at all costs as he’ll just insist on rehashing the actor’s entire resume while you’re missing out on what is happening on the screen.  Or better yet, tell him to go out in the hall and look that shit up on IMDB.  Either way, people are trying to watch a movie here.

9.  Asshat McGee Who Sits Right Next to or Right in Front of You When the Entire Theater is Nearly Empty – Look, I know I shouldn’t do it, but if the theater is close to being empty, I like to stretch out and put my fat smelly feet on the back of the seat in front of me. Can’t do it if someone’s dumb head is there and I can’t come out and ask that person to move so I can put my feet up so please, be courteous and don’t sit in front of a person if you don’t have to.

(Should there be a #9.5 Annoying Guy Who Puts His Feet Up on the Seat in Front of Him? Absolutely.)

Further, don’t sit next to a person if you don’t have to.  Keep at least one seat between you and another person if possible.  If the theater’s packed then it is a different story but if it is empty, don’t sit next to me, unless you’re a super hot chick, then sit next to me.

8.  Teenagers Who Have Conversations Throughout the Entire Movie – I get it. You all want to chat your dumb faces off and you want to be able to speak freely without being monitored by one of the parents of someone in your group, so instead of going to someone’s house, you go to the theater and then ignore the entire film and have a conversation right there in the theater.

Honest to God.  I’m trying to watch Fast and Furious Part 950: Dom’s Revenge and all I can hear is “OMG I can’t believe Becky is dating Brian AND Bobby, Hashtag Skank!”

Thought – go to a coffee shop instead and talk all night there. Its cheaper and hardworking, taxpaying Americans won’t be mad at you that you’ve ruined their moviegoing experience.

Yes, I know I’m starting to sound like Uncle Hardass.  This is inevitable.

The older we get, the more we all start sounding like critically acclaimed philosopher Uncle Hardass.

7.  Guy That Blames You For Picking the Movie if it Turns Out to Be Stupid – Up your nose with a rubber hose, turkey face.  Hollywood puts out like two damn movies every Friday. You’ve got a fifty/fifty shot that the movie you’re going to will either suck or blow.

In fact, you now have a one hundred percent chance that it will be a remake or a reboot of a movie that sucked and/or blowed in the past.

“I didn’t make the movie, ass face,” is a perfectly acceptable reply here, even if the person complaining is your husband, wife, child, second cousin twice removed, grandmother, or parish priest.

6.  Dummy Who Takes Too Long Deciding What They Want at the Concession Stand – Popcorn, candy and soda, jerkwad.  Literally the same shit for a hundred million years. That f%$king commercial where the popcorn, candy and soda dance the Charleston hasn’t changed since Eisenhower was president.  If it was good enough for the man who stormed Omaha Beach, then its good enough for you, clown.

5.  Jerkface Who Takes a Call During the Movie – Look, the point of going to the movies is to forget all your problems for two hours.  But I get it.  We all have lives. Keep your phone on vibrate just in case one of your loved ones gets in trouble.  If they text you for help,  you can text them back and write, “OK I will come rescue you after this movie is over.”

Really, its the only polite thing to do. If your spouse is hanging from one hand off a cliff, you’ve got to let them know that you need to find out whether or not the rebels will destroy the Death Star for the 10,000th time.

But, if you’re one of those do-gooders who thinks their friends and/or family is more important than a movie, then sure, by all means, get up, walk out of the theater, talk to this person on the phone in the hallway, then return to the theater when the conversation is done. Or even better, leave the theater entirely and come to the aid of your friend or family member.

And let’s be honest.  Those people who take calls and start chatting away while the film is rolling? None of them are having important conversations.  The people who do this are dopes who will sit there for two hours talking about nonsense while you’re trying to watch a movie.

4. The “What Did He Say?” Guy

Movies go by pretty fast.  Sometimes someone in your movie going party doesn’t catch what one of the characters said.

My general rule – if you whisper to me, “What did he say?” I will whisper what the person said back to you one time.

If you miss it, do not waste your energy whispering to me with a request to repeat what the character said a second, third, or fourth time.

I’m sorry but you’re screwed. You missed it.  Your movie going experience has been ruined. Don’t drag me down with you by making me tell you fifty times what a guy said twenty minutes ago, thus forcing me to miss twenty more minutes of screen time.

Really people, this is common sense.

3.  The “Its Just the Previews” Guy

Eff that noise.  Hollywood has carefully  crafted a series of trailers to educate me on the films that are coming soon to a theater near me.  Trailers are a time honored part of the movie going experience.  Your talking, farting, burping or what have you ruins it for me. Take it outside.

I run a blog for 3.5 readers.  Thus, I’m an important man who must budget his time wisely. Ergo, I must know what Hollywood has coming down the pike so I can relay that information to my beloved 3.5 readers.

I shouldn’t have to miss out on those previews just because you need to talk to your buddy on your cell phone about the tattoo you’re getting , or your comic book collection, or even when you need to tell your loved one to wait and be calm and you’ll be there to pull them out of the car wreck they just had as soon as possible. (Eh, I’m not a complete ogre, if you need to do that last one during the previews, I can let it slide, but really, only during the previews.)

2.  Commentary Guy

This guy takes a number of forms.  The person might start arguing with a character, or he might make sound effects.  “Boo yeah!  That guy got it!  And he had it coming!”  or “Damn girl, don’t go for that dude, you can do way better!”

If you want to commentate on movies, start your own blog and get your own 3.5 readers. Unless I’m one of your 3.5 readers, I don’t want to hear your commentary on movies while I am trying to watch one.

1.“Rude to the Minimum Wage Slaves” Guy

If you didn’t like the movie, or you had some kind of special request (i.e. the “I want three ice cubes in my soda and each cube must be carved to match the likeness of three U.S. presidents who held office during the 1800s”) give the staff a break.  They work for peanuts and they usually take these jobs because they like the movies and want to be around them as much as you do, you big dummy.

RUNNER UP:

Dude Trying to Get to Second Base and Can’t Quite Make It – Sir, your incompetence with the fairer sex is ruining my cinematic experience.  Either be a dog and go in for that hooter or be a gentleman and keep your hand on your own knee.  Make a decision for crying out loud.

Either way, this constant hand flapping around in the breeze “should I or shouldn’t I?” thing that you’re doing is very annoying.  Really, this is a theater, not a bordello sir, so get a room and stop annoying people who have paid their hard earned cash to enjoy this Kevin Hart film.  We’re already suffering enough.

What things do people do at the movie theaters that you can’t stand, 3.5 readers? 

Discuss with BQB in the comments!

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Darth Vader Appears in Star Wars: Rogue One Trailer

Happy Friday, 3.5 readers.

Start your week off with this new glimpse of Star Wars: Rogue One.

Don’t blink at the end, or you’ll miss Darth’s cameo.

Who knew we’d be seeing him on the big screen again?

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Movie Review – Suicide Squad (2016)

It’s here…and its awesome.

Forget all those shitty reviews. Losers and malcontents, I say!

BQB here with a review of the movie that nerds the world over have been looking forward to – Suicide Squad.

SPOILERS, SPOILERS AND MORE SPOILERS BELOW.

So back in March, Warner Brothers released the smelly ass stink burger that was Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.

Oh it was so awful. No life having nerds such as myself were infuriated.  What a crap fest.

It led us to believe that the DC Universe was in bad hands.  We started to wonder if Suicide Squad would be just as bad.

The professional reviewers all seem to think so. Personally, I wonder if their still holding onto some of that B v. S. resentment.

I know I am. I cry myself to sleep about it often. “They both have mothers named Martha!  What fabulous writing!”

Boo! It stinks!

I won’t say this movie makes up for Batman vs. Superman, but it was pretty spectacular and one of the best films I’ve seen this summer.

The Setup

In the wake of Batman vs. Superman (which stunk), the government has grown concerned that another all-powerful being might arrive on the scene and not share Superman’s kind demeanor.

Thus, government agent Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) assembles a team of the worst super villains to have ever crossed Batman’s path (all imprisoned at the start of the film.)

The film relies heavily on flashbacks to tell the backstories behind all of the villains.  Flashbacks are always better if used sparingly, though with such a large cast, I can see why it was necessary.

By the end of the film, a dastardly all-powerful being does indeed arrive on the scene and the team of villains, under the control of Col. Rick Flagg (Joel Kinnamon) must save the day.

Harley Quinn

Harley has long been one of DC fans’ most favorite yet under utilized villains.  She got her start in Batman: The Animated Series and ever since, we nerds have long wondered if she’d ever get her big moment on screen.

With an accent that’s a cross between bimbo and New Yorker, female clown Harley dotes on her boyfriend, the Joker, referring to him as  “Puddin'” and “Mr. J.”

Ahh.  A nerd’s dream woman…well, if you ignore the psychotic tendencies.

The trailers made it look like the producers were going to scale Margot Robbie’s portrayal back – opting to go with just a sort of a not so bright female character but the trailers did not do the film justice.

Margot nailed. She’s totally Harley.  She’s got the voice, the demeanor, the twisted personality, she’s got it all down.

She really is the best of this movie.

Batman and the Joker as Bit Players?

The Joker (Jared Leto) had a large role for sure and Jared played it well. He went with a crazy clown mobster as opposed to Heath Ledger’s “I just want to laugh while the world burns” character from The Dark Knight.

Batman (Ben Affleck) only appeared in a few scenes and those were only flashbacks.

I’m not used to seeing a movie where Joker and the Bats aren’t the main attraction. It was surreal.

If anything, Will Smith as expert marksman/contract killer Deadshot carried the film as the team’s unofficial leader.

So Many Characters

Too many characters can potentially ruin a film. You’ve got two hours at best, an audience with a limited attention span and you have to somehow juggle it with the need to make every character interesting.

It can be done. Ironically, Batman vs. Superman only had to make Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman interesting and the peeps behind that flick failed and failed miserably. Damn that movie sucked.

In contrast, the squad in this film is large.  Killer Croc (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje), Katana (Karen Fukuhara), Diablo (Jay Hernandez), the Enchantress (Cara Delevingne) are just a few of the many characters I can think of off the top of my head.

Seriously, they’re all great but I don’t have enough time to cover them all. I mean, shit, there’s a guy called Captain Boomerang (Jai Courtney).  That’s his power. He throws damn boomerangs.

Each character gets his/her moment in the sun and with a film with a scale this grand that’s all one can really hope for.

Humor/Music

I love a film that can lighten the mood with a good joke and the pairing of classic rock and rap with several scenes left me laughing. It’s hard to explain. You just have to watch it.

PG-13 – Seriously?

I’m surprised this film pulled off a PG-13 rating.

I don’t recall any swears, at least no serious ones. There were no F bombs.  No sex (although there are some sexual references).

Yet, the body count is massive and its a blood and guts fest throughout.  Guns, guns and more guns with someone getting shot every two seconds.

Look, I’m an adult and a nerd so I enjoy a movie like this but…I mean do what you want.  Me personally, I wouldn’t take a kid to see it.

It felt R rated to me.  I’m not complaining, but the PG-13 rating leaves me wondering why a film can be filled with people getting shot every two seconds but as long as it doesn’t have boobs or an F bomb its cool to bring the teens.

OK. I’m done being Mr. Old Complaining Man. But seriously, get off my lawn.

Complaint/Observation

A lot of time is spent in the film on keeping the villains under control. Flagg is their babysitter, making sure they don’t escape.  And as the film progresses, they, dare I say it, the villains grow consciences, grow as people/beings, develop actual concern that if they don’t stop the big bad then no one will and perhaps this is their one shot at redemption for their sins.

That’s great and that’s definitely the way to go to create the optimal crowd pleasing movie. I can’t really knock it.

Still, I wonder if it would have been possible to add more of the “how does a villain carry out a noble mission” angle.  Do villains really care about collateral damage? Do they care about doing it right or just getting it done?  And wouldn’t a villain gladly leave everyone else to croak if they could save themselves?

Eh, many of these questions are explored but overall, suffice it to say, if there’s a sequel, I’d like to see more villainy.  Flagg needs to let them off the leash.

Better Times Ahead for DC Based Movies?

For me, this film was a much needed positive sign in the wake of the turd fest that was Batman vs. Superman. Did I mention it sucked?

I wonder if maybe Warner Brothers took on too much at once.  Like the student that enrolls in too many honors classes at the same time, they turned in a F movie with Batman vs. Superman (oh how it stunk) and an A film with Suicide Squad.

One wonders why they didn’t slow production down a bit and work on putting out one A movie a year.

No, I don’t actually have to wonder. They knew that even a shitty stink fest like Batman vs. Superman would have stacked the cheddar and damn it, they were right. As much as I complain, they got my money.

But remember that old chestnut “penny wise, pound foolish.”  I’ll never rent and/or watch Batman vs. Superman (because it stinks) again for the rest of my life, but I’ll totally rent Suicide Squad again.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Worth a trip to the theater. Excuse me while I go think about Harley Quinn while I polish my novelty clown mallet.

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Movie Review – The Purge: Election Year (2016)

Gratuitous blood, guts, violence and mayhem.

And for one night a year, it’s totally legal.

BQB here with a review of The Purge: Election Year.

SPOILERS abound.

So if you’ve never seen any of the Purge movies, here’s the set-up. It takes place in the not so distant future, at a time when society, so sick and tired of daily, non-stop crime, has instituted one night a year called, “the Purge.”

For 12 hours, all crime is legal, including murder. Police, fire and emergency services are suspended. Do whatever you want. And at least according to the film, the ability for everyone to get out all their violence and rage in one night makes the country run smoothly the rest of the year.

At a first glance, the premise sounds dumb. They like to go over the top with violence. They put people in wacky costumes and masks to the point where they’ve created a new kind of monster (forget zombies, watch out for purgers!)

But, when you start thinking about it, the premise of these films is actually scary.

We all like to hold ourselves out as great, wonderful, decent people but I doubt few of us spend much time thinking about what monsters we’d become if the threat of jail time wasn’t dangling over our heads.

No one wants to admit it but everyone has bad thoughts from time to time. Those thoughts don’t become actions because no one wants to be outfitted with an orange jumpsuit and live in a cage forever.

But if there was one night where you could act on all your evil thoughts?

Yup. Total chaos. We all aren’t as good as you’d think.

In past Purge films we’ve seen people kill their cheating spouses, attack their neighbors over spite, seek revenge on those who did them wrong, and even worse, just kill for sport.

When that eerie siren sounds, you the viewer realize just how scary a world without laws would be, as you start to put yourself into the shoes of the characters and realize that no one’s safe, no one can be trusted, that the rule of law is really all that is keeping people we think we know from doing terrible things to us.

There’s a twist in this year’s Purge film. Senator Roan (Elizabeth Mitchell) is running for president on a platform of banning the purge once and for all.  The New Founding Fathers, the party that started the purge, won’t stand for that, so they get rid of a rule from previous purges – politicians and other important government officials, once protected during the purge, are now fair game, thus making it legal for the NFF to launch an attack on the Senator.

So it is up to Secret Service Agent Leo Barnes (Frank Grillo) to save the day. Along the way, he’s helped by shopkeepers Joe and Marcos (Mykelti Williamson and Joseph Julian Soria) and Laney (Betty Gabriel) who protests the purge by running an ambulance of her own.

In my opinion, the first film in the series was good and the next two have gone increasingly over the rails. I think in a world of reboots and sequels, the people behind these movies came up with something original and frightening – i.e. that person you see everyday at work, in your neighborhood, etc. may seem nice but given the chance to do it legally, might just try to hack you to pieces for some perceived slight (you forgot to say hello to him, didn’t hold the door open or whatever).

It looks like they’re trying to build up this purge world with purge folklore and people fighting to keep the purge and people fighting to stop the purge but amidst it all, the producers shouldn’t lose sight of how watching this movie can make you appreciate that the law is all that keeps humans from acting out on their base animal instincts.

STATUS: Not shelf-worthy. Don’t rush out to see it. Worth a rental.

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Movie Review: Independence Day: Resurgence

From the far reaches of space, aliens travel to Earth…

to remind me that I am now old as f%&kT and have accomplished very little in 20 years.

Although in my defense, neither has the world! So there’s that.

SPOILERS abound.

BQB here with a review of Independence Day: Resurgence.

The year was 1996.

Bill Clinton was in the White House, chasing interns around the Oval Office with his pants around his ankles and turning Monica Lewinsky into a human humidor (Google it, millennials. It’s too disgusting to go into further detail.)

The Beastie Boys were laying down some of their ill-est shit.

The sentence “Bill Cosby gave that lady his pudding pop” could only have been construed as “that nice comedic father figure was kind enough to give a woman the delicious frozen snack treat that he endorses.”

The Internet was in its infancy.  It was a cute toy but other than that no one saw a glaring need to pay a fee to tie up your phone line while your computer screeched at you.

People who took pictures of their lunch and then demanded that you a) look at the pictures of their lunch and b) make comments about their lunch were considered assholes.

Technically, those people didn’t even exist, or if they did, not in high numbers. Again, the Internet was in its infancy.  If you wanted your own website you needed coding knowledge and technical know-how.  It was just too much work to post pictures of your lunch.

And at the box office was a movie called Independence Day.

Yes, in a pure marketing move, it was released on July 4th. Independence Day.

Those aliens know how to screw up a barbecue.

In the original, aliens invade Earth.  In a far flung story line, various groups and people react to the alien attack.

To the best of my recollection, you had Bill Pullman as the president, who was also a fighter pilot, for no other reason really than he got to make inspiring speeches and then fly around in a fighter jet and shoot at alien spaceships.

Oh and there was Randy Quaid as a guy who appeared to be a drunk jackass who was crazy for believing he’d been abducted by aliens as a kid only to be vindicated.  Humorous. Also, he was, coincidentally, a pilot as well so he too enjoyed the alien shooting fun.

Of course, the big star was Will Smith as Capt. Hiller, the pilot/hero who saves the day.

(SPOILER ALERT – he and Jeff Goldblum fly a stolen alien fighter craft into the mothership, fooling the aliens just long enough for them to upload a virus with the help of a 90’s era Mac and a floppy disk.)

Seemed ingenious at the time.

Twenty years have now passed.

Holy f%&king butt nuggets.  Twenty years.

3.5 readers, here’s my first criticism of this highly unnecessary sequel.

It made me think too much about my life – how quickly the past two decades went by. Mistakes made. Things I could have done differently.

How is it possible that I went from a wide-eyed young lad thinking this new fangled CGI movie was pretty cool (CGI effects were fairly new to the movie scene in those days so as a movie goer, they were a treat. I feel bad for you millennials as you have nothing to look forward to now, unless virtual reality actually ends up being as big as they claim it will be).

Where was I? Ah yes. How did I go from that young kid wowed by CGI to a jaded adult who has now seen so much CGI that it just doesn’t have them same wow factor that it did when it was new?

Shit. Then there’s me in general. Twenty years ago I thought by now I’d be a really amazing, fabulous person.

Had you told me back then that in 20 years my greatest achievement would be starting a blog with 3.5 readers my response would be a) “What’s a blog?” and then b) “Oh, it’s a website that any asshole with $10 and rudimentary typing skills can start? Excuse me while I GO STICK MY HEAD IN THE MOVIE THEATER RESTROOM TOILET AND FLUSH IT UNTIL I DROWN TO SPARE MYSELF THIS INCREDIBLY DISAPPOINTING FUTURE!!!”

Nah. I wouldn’t have done that. I’d have just vowed that I’d work harder and make a difference. You millennials weren’t the first generation to view yourselves as special snowflakes.

At any rate, I spent most of this movie paying little attention to the action on screen. Instead, I went over the multitude of mistakes I made, opportunities missed, warning signs avoided, paths not taken and so on that led me to a point where the highlight of my day is writing a review of a highly unnecessary sequel to a movie that was dumb twenty years ago.

Even worse, so little has changed in the world since then when you think about it:

  • A Bush had recently been president before Clinton became president.
  • Since then, another Bush became president. Then a third Bush recently tried to become president. Also, another Clinton wants to be president. At least if the Clintons end up back in the White House, the interns will have a head start this time. Bill isn’t looking as spry as he used to be.
  • Trump’s hair defied gravity and laws of physics, back in the 1990s and today.
  • Cars don’t fly yet. We have yet to meet real space aliens. Oh, and the Simpsons are still on the air.

And yet, despite all of these similarities, there were some differences between then and now that made the original film more enjoyable…then.

Specifically:

  • I was young and more willing to suspend disbelief. (Bill Pullman as a President/Alien Fighter seemed perfectly plausible.)
  • Seeing landmarks getting blown up by aliens seemed like harmless fantasy drivel back in the day.  As I recall, the aliens in the original film blow up the White House so as to illustrate to you, the viewer that they were evil ass aliens who meant business and were not to be f%&ked with.  Since 9/11, such scenes just seems to hit too close to home.
  • And like I said before, CGI was in its early stages, so it was awesome to see. Then George Lucas came along and made those cartoonish Star Wars prequels.

OK. Shit. 1,000 words in, let’s talk about the sequel itself.

It’s twenty years later and the world has become a Utopia. A casino magnate with gravity defying hair and the lady who ran the country in the 90’s by shoving her hand up her husband’s ass and working his mouth like a puppet (oh come on, you know she did) aren’t vying for control of the Free World.

Rather, the entire world is free and humanity works together as humans have set aside their differences in order to keep a watchful eye out for future alien invasions.

Alien tech has been used to create all sorts of wonderful inventions that improve life and make people happy.

And then, you know, aliens invade again. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, some people do some shit over here, some other people do some shit over there, cut in some scenes of shit getting blown up around the world, and so on.

There are new cast members like Liam Hemsworth, but mostly the film consists of the actors from the original who never did anything better than this bullshit.

Thus, Jeff Goldblum is back, as is Judd Hirsch as his father.  Bill Pullman is back though I wish he wasn’t because I feel like it was just yesterday that I saw him in Spaceballs as Lone Star and now he’s old as f%&k.

And in general, that’s my main complaint.  Will Smith didn’t return, I assume, because the studio didn’t want to shell out the cash now that he’s a big box office draw (you might remember the original Independence Day plus Men in Black made Will a celebrity icon.)

So Will is nowhere to be found.  But everyone without anything better to do is back, and they are all old as shit, which makes me feel old as shit.

I literally think this movie was made for the sole purpose of making me feel old as shit.

HOLLYWOOD SUIT 1 – Should we make a sequel to Independence Day?

HOLLYWOOD SUIT 2 – Yes! It will make BQB feel old as shit!

There are many references to the original, shit that you probably wouldn’t get unless you saw the first one (and also if you’re a nerd like me who has seen it a few more times over the years so you remember what happened.)

The aliens are still slapping Bill Pullman’s face up against the glass and speaking through him as if he’s their puppet (I assume they got the idea by watching Hillary work Bill).

Jeff and Judd are still the unlikely father/son hero duo, except Judd’s still alive which is surprising as I thought he was old as shit twenty years ago.

Eat your Wheaties kids and you too can aspire to Judd Hirsch’s longevity!

Robert Loggia has a quick cameo though I think it might have been a CGI Loggia.  Someone tell me if you have the details on that one.

Oh and Brent Spiner (aka Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation) is back as the eccentric Dr. Brakish Okun.

The plot is basically the same bullshit about aliens invading and their invasion happens to be coincidentally timed on Independence Day so Americans can feel very patriotic while watching a movie about Americans defeating aliens on the same day that the British were told to go pound sand.

Although, I have to point out, some Hollywood suit must have decided this sequel didn’t have the gusto to put butts in seats on the Fourth of July, seeing as how it was released in June.

You’ll know this franchise has hit the wall when they release an Independence Day sequel that hits theaters in January.

Oh and FYI – there will be another sequel.  It will also be unnecessary and serve as little more than a reminder that 20 years have passed, your life sucks more than you thought it would and the world doesn’t even have flying cars.

Shit. Stop remaking 90s shit, Hollywood.

Next you’ll tell me there’s a Mallrats TV show in the works.

Wait? What?

STATUS: Semi-shelf worthy. The effects are worth a trip to the theater. Otherwise, if you miss it, you didn’t miss much.

 

 

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Movie Review: The Huntsman: Winter’s War (2016)

Is love only a fairy tale?

That’s the question asked by this part prequel/part sequel to The Huntsman.

You’ll be hunting for some spoilers if you read further.

Freya (Emily Blunt) is sister to Ravenna (Charlize Theron) aka the Wicked Queen.

Prior to the events of the first Huntsman film, Freya becomes irrevocably heartbroken, and sets out to take over the Northern part of wherever the hell this fantasy world is.

To do so, she raises an army of “Huntsmen” and thus we learn Eric the Huntsman’s (Chris Hemsworth) origin.

Freya proclaims love to be a lie and bans it, leaving Eric and his secret wife, Sara (Jessica Chastain) to hide their relationship.

Yadda yadda yadda.  Flash forward to a time post the original movie. The magic mirror has gone missing.  Eric and two of his dwarf pals have to find it. Some dwarf women come into play.

Freya wants the mirror.  Ravenna also wants to keep doing evil shit.  That’s about it.

Lots of action. Great special effects. Not so great Scottish accents but you can’t have everything.

For whatever reason, Kristen Stewart’s not in this one.  Occasionally, you get to see Snow White with her back turned. Maybe they figured with all these stars they’d save on a salary.  Or maybe K-Stew’s post-Twilight fame is in its twilight.  Who knows?

Emily Blunt is convincing as an ice queen. Charlize has been lamenting lately that tall, hot statuesque blondes have a hard time making a go of it in show biz, but somehow she was able to soldier on through this flick so I give her props.

I enjoyed it but it is a popcorn movie.  Is love real or is it just an unattainable fantasy that we just torture ourselves with?

I ask myself that all the time. Yikes. Maybe I missed my calling by not becoming an Ice King.

Do they have Ice Kings?  Queens seem to have a monopoly on the ice game.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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