World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio
I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I think it totally sucks when people suck.
Perhaps you’ve read one of my many fine anti-suck books:
There’s Got to Be a Suck-less Morning After
Once Around the Riverbend of Non-Suckdom
Sucks to Be You, But It Doesn’t Have To
Helpful Hints for Suckers
Un-Suck Your Life in One Year or Less
Step Up and Stop Sucking
Does It Suck in Here or Is It Just You?
Glad you 3.5 suckers are back, still joining me in this long, arduous journey to a suck-free lifestyle. You know, they say that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither will your suck-free life. So if it feels like your suck-free life is taking too long, then just pretend you’re a Roman…but not just any Roman – a sucky Roman.
Today’s suck related question comes from a big old sucker with sucky money problems:
Dear Vinny B,
I sure do suck with money! Every penny I earn is already spent before I make it. I can’t help it. I have all sorts of money sucking addictions. Gambling. Shopping. Oh, and I have three ex-wives who suck any leftover money I have right out of my wallet.
The bank’s about to foreclose on my house. My car’s been repossessed. I don’t think I’ll ever retire.
Is there anyway for me to climb down this mountain of suck?
– A Guy Who Sucks at Money from Brooklyn
Wow, Brooklyn Sucker. Your life sounds like it sucks the big one for sure. And you’re right. You’ve climbed up a big mountain of suck. It’s so big you might as well call it Mount Suckeverest.
But I’m pleased to say that with most sucky problems in life, there is a suck-less solution to a big time sucky problem.
To put it bluntly – stop sucking at money! (FYI you can buy my new thirty part book series, “Stop Sucking at Money” for just seven hundred dollars each. A real bargain if you ask me. Check your local non-sucking book store for more info).
Let me go through the typical things that suckers do to suck up their finances:
Gambling sucks. Some people can go to a casino, have a drink, have a laugh, lose a little money on the slots and that’s it. Others convince themselves that they’re just one lucky hand away from easy street and so they they throw their money away. And then, just when they’re down to their last couple of bucks, they throw that away too.
This is a situation that sucks. If you can’t control yourself in a casino, then please, make a pledge to never step inside one.
In fact, stay away from all forms of gambling. Lucky scratchers. Lottery tickets. High stakes games of paper, rock scissors. If it’s a game that involves betting, you need to stay out of it or else your life will always suck.
Sure, we all need stuff. And yes, occasionally it’s nice to even splurge a little.
But, if you are constantly buying junk you don’t need then you’re going to rack up some pretty high credit card bills.
Exercise some willpower. New shoes? Your old ones are just fine. New underwear? Underpants with holes in them never hurt anyone. Easier access if you ask me.
New gadget or gizmo? It’ll either break or be rendered obsolete by a newer version by the time you bring it home from the store.
Make a budget. Stick to it.
Cut Up Your Credit Cards
Let’s face it. Bankers suck. However, one thing they don’t suck at is sucking up your money. If you’re running up high credit card bills, then sit back and watch as your interest charges pile up.
Many suckers look at credit cards as free money. That’s because these suckers suck when it comes to thinking about the future.
Don’t work for the bank. Work for yourself. If you can’t afford to buy it with cash, then you don’t need it.
Brooklyn Sucker, it sounds like your finances really suck, so I doubt you’ll ever get out from under this suck cloud anytime soon. But, once you do, make a vow to never suck up your money like this ever again.
Start not sucking at saving money. Whether it’s a hundred, ten, or a single dollar, make a contribution to a high interest savings account every week. Over time, it all adds up. Hell, maybe after awhile, you might do some modest, reasonable investing by looking into some decent suck-free mutual funds. Don’t get too crazy. Sometimes suckers are known to get carried away and gamble with the stock market like they do at a casino.
The bottom line is that non-suckers make their money work for them. Money begets money and more money begets a less sucky lifestyle.
The road ahead of you is long and full of suck, Brooklyn Sucker. The sooner you buckle down and stop sucking, the sooner you’ll end up in the highly coveted Valley of Non-Suckitude.
By the way, you can get my new book, “The Valley of Non-Suckitude” at a book store near you that doesn’t suck, for the low, low price of $999.99. It includes a book on beta max and a signed photo of yours truly. I mean, you have sucky money problems, Brooklyn Sucker, so whenever you hear of a low, low, ridiculously low price on a book that will totally change your life, then you really should take advantage of it.