Tag Archives: motivation

Why Didn’t Sears Become Amazon First? (Lack of Foresight and Applying This to You or How Sears Got Its Milkshake Drank)

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Sears got its milkshake drank.  Will yours be next?

Ahh, Sears.  Back in the day, no trip to the mall was complete without a trip to this anchor store and let me tell you, my Aunt Gertie used to get Sears catalogs in the mail all the time.

They were big ass tomes the size of 10 bibles that weighed at least 10 pounds and oh, as a kid I’d turn through the pages and dream.  I want that toy, I want that toy, and oh my, why do these bra models give me a tingly feeling?

Jeez.  I think I might have a few of those catalogs lying around.  I wonder if they’re worth anything.  I’d go fap to the bra models but I won’t out of respect, given that all those models are probably either dead or super old and in nursing homes now.  Sigh.  Oh time, you cruel bitch, you.

For the uninitiated, Mr. Sears, way back in the 1800s was the first businessman to realize that since there were parts of America that didn’t have any stores, he could make bank by sending out catalogs and taking orders for goods by mail.  As the years went on, Sears stores became the pinnacle of every mall and as credit cards came into style, they dominated the catalog sales market.  Shit, Aunt Gertie ordered all my clothes as a kid from Sears.  You think that was why I was so unpopular?  Oh well.  Water under the bridge.

So, I guess I don’t get it.  The Internet came into great popularity in the 1990s and Jeff Bezos, blessed be his most revered name (and I’m not just saying that because he has the power to snuff out my self-publishing dreams) saw the potential of the Internet to sell stuff.

Wal-Mart saw the potential too and though I don’t believe it has reached Amazon lengths, it does a brisk online sales business.

JC Penney, Sears’ longtime rival in the box store/catalog game has kept afloat by doing online sales as well.

So, to repeat, I don’t get it.  Sears basically invented the whole concept of taking pictures of products, organizing them into catalogs and giving them descriptions, product numbers, listing the prices, making it easy for people to call on the phone, read off the products they wanted to an operator who took their order, credit card number and address and they even mastered how to complete orders through the mail.

Why didn’t anyone at Sears have the vision, the foresight to say, “Hey, I think this Internet thing is here to stay and we should take our catalog…and hold on…think about it here…put it online!”

Now, I don’t know.  I believe they did.  To what extent I couldn’t tell you.  Perhaps it wasn’t so much the lack of putting it online so much as getting you anything you want the way Amazon can.  I mean, there are so many times when I think something like, “I would like a can of farts excreted by an East Peruvian Water Buffalo in July” and then go to Amazon and do a search and get, “Here are twenty choices for farts excreted by East Peruvian Water Buffalos in July.”

I don’t know.  I’m not sure what Sears’ downfall was.  Either they didn’t get into online sales early enough, or maybe they didn’t make online shopping as cool as Amazon did.  Maybe they didn’t think of nifty little ways to grab your cash the way Amazon does.  Shit, Amazon thinks of new ways to get your money all the time.  You can get a little button to stick in your kitchen and push it when you’re out of toilet paper, chips, insert household staple here and they will put it on your tab and send it to you.  You can get Alexa and say, “Hey Alexa order me a can of East Peruvian Water Buffalo Farts” and she’ll order it for you.  Maybe it was that.  Maybe Sears just didn’t think of enough ways to be cool.

I know Blockbuster could have gotten into the streaming game earlier and could still be around in an online form today.  Borders could have embraced e-books earlier and still be in the fight today.

So, let’s apply this to you (because I never apply good lessons to me, I just continue to do the same dumb things and let them blow up in my face over and over again and never learn anything like Wile E. Coyote.)

What is something that you could begin doing today that will be hard, will require hard work and sacrifice, will unlikely yield results in the short term, but in 5 years, you’ll be glad you did it?

I bet the people in charge of Sears wish that 5 years ago, they might have made their website cooler.  Maybe they might have gotten more exclusive product deals available only on their site.  Maybe they could have come up with a little robot that sits on your desk and speaks in a British accent, like your robot butler who says, “Pip, pip, cheerio, you want me to order you some more raisin bran, fuck face?”  I don’t know.  All I know is they didn’t do it, and now much like in that film, There Will Be Blood, Bezos is drinking Sears’ milkshake.  “I drink your milkshake!  I drink it up!!”

Back to the point.  Maybe you’re a fat fuck.  Maybe in five years you’d like to be a skinny fuck so you can run, jump, hop, skip, do fun activities and if you’re looking good you might just score yourself some bomb ass pussy (or ladies, you might acquire some bomb ass peen.)

Maybe you’re having financial woes.  Maybe if you start a plan of cutting spending and perhaps get a little side gig or a part time job, you’ll get those debts tackled in five years.

Shit.  Take some piano lessons today and maybe you’ll be tickling the ivories in a concert hall in five years.

Hell, I spent the last two years writing a book about an alligator that eats people on the toilet.   I hope to have it self-published next year.  When I’m swimming in mad cash and bomb ass pussy thanks to all the fame and fortune I get when this book about a toilet gator goes gangbusters, I’ll be glad I put the time in on this fine book.  I’ll be laughing at the other me in the alternate time line who will be a fucking loser because instead of writing a book about a toilet gator he did some weak ass shit like working extra hard on his cardio or volunteering to read to impoverished blind children or building hospitals in Ecuador or some shit.

Anyway, 3.5 readers.  The takeaway?  Right now, I know there is something you have wanted to happen for a long time.  You never did it, but you know in your heart if you put the work in, you’ll have it in five years.  Do you want to be like Sears?  Do you want to be the hollow shell, the desolate remains of a once thriving business that was the brain child of a wise 1800’s business tycoon?  Or, do you want to be like Supreme Overlord Bezos, violating the spent carcass of yet another fallen, wasted competitor over and over again?

If you don’t identify what you want and start acting on it today, then I guarantee you in five years, someone else will be getting it.  You’ll still be fat and some other skinny person will be partying with the bomb ass pussy or peen, whatever your preference.  Someone else will be playing the piano you were going to play.  Someone else will be enjoying a debt free life while you’ll be giving handjobs in bus station bathrooms just to pay off the minimum payment on your credit cards.  (You’ll be giving handjobs forever at that rate!)

The next five years will go by fast…in the blink of an eye.  You can drink some other schmuck’s milkshake, or you can get yours drunk up.  What’s it going to be?

(Note.  Let’s all return to this post in five years and trade notes on how this all worked out.)

ADDITIONAL NOTE: It dawns on me that not all 3.5 of you have seen There Will Be Blood and I don’t advise it, because once you see a man get beaten to death with a bowling pin by a man enjoying a brownie, you can’t unsee that shit.  Long story short, “I drink your milkshake!” comes from this scene where Daniel Day Lewis plays an oil baron who is bragging to a preacher about how he screwed him over in an oil deal.

So, to really motivate yourself, you need to a) picture what you want and then b) work on getting it for fear that in five years, if you don’t get what you want, Daniel Day Lewis will get what you wanted because he worked for it harder and he will ridicule you by laughing at you, telling you he got what you wanted because you’re a weak, pathetic loser and he was really strong and cunning and then he will beat the shit out of you with a bowling pin and eat a brownie.

If that doesn’t make you work hard on your goals then I don’t know what will.

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Taking Your Not Sucking Journey One Suck Free Day at a Time

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m sucking the suck out of the world so you don’t have to.

Perhaps you recognize me from one of my many fine books which describe in detail how you no longer have to suck:

How Now, Brown Suck Cow

John Livingston Suckgall

De-suck You, De-suck Me, De-suck it Together, Naturally

Stop the Suck World, I Want to Get Off!

When a Problem Comes Along, You Must Un-Suck It

How to Win Friends and Avoid Sucky People

I’m Mad as Hell and I Don’t Have to Suck Anymore!

Today’s question comes from a big ole suckface in Pismo Beach, Florida.  Wow, it’s so nice and sunny, you’d have to be a big super sized sucker to suck in a place like that.

Dear Vinny B,

I’ve sucked so hard and for so long that I don’t even remember where all the suck began and I’m not sure how to even find a way for the suck end.  Sometimes, when I think about all the things I have to do to not suck, I feel so overwhelmed that I begin to engage in sucky behaviors, like smoking crack, banging discount prostitutes with STD laden, gangrenous vaginas and eating Tide pods.  So many Tide pods.  Sometimes I just sit down in front of the TV and eat a whole bucket of those things.  I’ve died seven times already and the doctors tell me they doubt they can bring me back again and I should stop eating Tide pods but I can’t help it because I suck so much.

How can I stop sucking today so I will not suck tomorrow?

Sincerely,

Pismo Sucker

My word, Pismo Sucker.  Your life sure does suck.  Don’t worry though.  I’m here to help you un-suck it.

Here’s the deal.  Your life didn’t suck itself up overnight.  I’m sure it took many, many years worth of steadily, increasingly suckier activities until you became the great big sucker that you are today.

Maybe at one point you were great – young, vibrant, healthy, good job, you were going somewhere.  Then, you started to suck a little.  Maybe you stopped shaving everyday.  Maybe you stopped caring about your appearance.  Maybe you didn’t keep your desk, office, car, or home or anywhere else clean.

Maybe you started with an extra drink.  Then two.  Then five.  Then twelve.  Then came the crack, the smack, the horse tranquilizer and then the Tide pods.  Boy, people have really been sucking themselves up with Tide pods lately.  Don’t eat them, people.  They suck and they’ll kill you and that would suck.

Slowly but surely you took a new, sucky step down the ladder of suck into the great sewer hole of suck-dom.  Now you’re down there in the suck sewer, covered in so much suck muck you don’t know how you’ll ever get to the suck free top again.

Simple.  Just as you plunged into suckitude one step at a time, so too will you step up into a suck free life, one step at a time.

Today you’ll start shaving.  Tomorrow, you’ll start dressing better.  The day after date, you’ll cut down on the booze.  As time goes on you’ll cut out all the substances (though the Tide pods must be cut instantly.)

Seek counseling and a support group and therapy and treatment for your various addictions.  There are many professionals who are quite adept at curing sucky problems like yours.

Rome wasn’t built in a day and your sucky life won’t be unsucked in a day, or a week, a month or even a year.  Take each day is it comes.  Find as much suck-free enjoyment as you can whilst still trapped in your suckitude.  Slowly but surely, make incremental and positive changes that build up your suck free life and build up your immunity to suckyness.

Think of all the years you wasted wallowing your suck.  Think how quickly those years went by, how happy you’d be if you’d stepped onto the slow but sure path onto a suck free journey years ago.

If you try to de-suck all of your suck instantly, it’ll be too much – a Herculean task for even the most advanced non-sucker.  De-suck little by little, taking baby steps towards an overall end game of a suck free life.

You’ll get there, my friend, but you didn’t dick this suck hole overnight, and you aren’t going to fill it up with suck-free dirt overnight either.

I know it can be hard to sit there and think how far away a suck free life is, how much needs to be done before your life won’t suck anymore that it seems so surreal that your life could do anything but suck, but trust me, a suck free life is not a fairy tale.  If you believe you won’t suck, then you will achieve a life that doesn’t suck.

Good luck, don’t suck, and FYI, my new book, “Good Luck, Don’t Suck” is now available at a book store near you that doesn’t suck.

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Why Do I Suck at Weight Loss?

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m anti-suck ninja using my fists of fury to knock the suck out of big fat suckers the world over.

Do you suck?  You know, you don’t have to suck anymore, especially when you can buy one of my many fine anti-suck books, guaranteed to help you mend your sucky ways:

You Don’t Have To Suck Anymore

You Don’t Have to Go Home and Suck, But You Can’t Suck Here

Bring in Da Noise, Bring Out Da Suck

Who Let the Suck Out?

Coming to Terms with Your Inner Suck

I Cast You Out, Suck!

Everyone Sucks But Me

I Suck, You Suck, He Sucks, We Suck

Beyond the Valley of the Suck

The Anti-Suck Workbook

101 Ways You Suck

How to Stop Sucking in Twelve Easy Steps

3.5 readers, when it comes to food, there’s a big old suck/anti-suck paradox.  In moderation, good food does not suck.  Nope, it doesn’t suck at all.  In fact, it’s really delicious.

Alas, if you eat too much food, it’s easy to get fat and in doing so, suck up your health and suck up your life.  Just look at this letter that a big old sucker sent to me:

Dear Vinny B,

I’m a big fat sucker.  I don’t like to admit it but I am.  It started innocently enough.  An extra helping at dinner.  An extra slice of pizza.  An extra glass of soda.  Pretty soon I was busting out of my pants and buying extra sizes.  Worse, whenever I try to stop, it’s difficult.  My body has become so used to all the fat and sugar that when I try to drop it, I feel like a big fat werewolf that needs to be locked in a cage just to keep me from devouring a pint of ice cream.

I’m so fat that everyone hates me now.  Whenever I walk down the street, people go out of their way to walk up to me and say things like, “I hate you because you’re fat” and “You’re a bad person because you’re fat” and “You’re dreams will never come true because you’re a big dumb fat person.”  And that’s just my family.  You don’t want to hear what strangers say to me.

I try to exercise but I get winded just walking out of my car to the front door of the gym.  I try to eat less but by the end of the day I’m sucking down a bag of barbecue chips like they’re the last bag in the world.

What can I do, Vinny?  This sucks.

Sincerely,

A Big Fat Sucker in Milwaukee

Hey Big Fat Sucker.  I’m sorry to hear about your problem.  It sounds like your life really sucks, so let me do my best to help you un-suck it posthaste.

First, let me point this out – fat people are literally the last group where it is acceptable for literally everyone to discriminate against with reckless abandon.

No word of a lie.  Go back and watch movies that are even ten years old and you’ll find jokes about race, jokes about sexual orientation, jokes about gender.  Obviously, I’m not saying those jokes didn’t suck but since then, we a society have begun to suck less at hurting feelings and so those jokes have been purged from the public square.

Meanwhile, on the rare occasion a fat guy is still allowed on TV, it’s never without stereotypes.  Fat people fart a lot.  Fat people hide sandwiches all over the place and they run to the bathroom and pull a hoagie out of the toilet tank and eat it and cry.  (Not gonna lie, I did that once during my darker, suckier days.)

You never see just like, a nice fat person in a movie who, despite his fatness, manages to help people.

Outside of the media, fat people face all sorts of sucky discrimination.  It’s hard for a fatty to get employed.  After all, no one likes a fatty.  Some of that is valid.  I mean, if you’re too fat too run, you can’t expect to be hired as a firefighter or a policeman.  On the other hand, if you’re a competent, intelligent fatty, there’s no reason why you can’t be hired for say, a receptionist job, except that the boss will probably prefer his clients to be greeted by a hot skinny chick than someone who looks like they free base whipped cream before they get out of the bed in the morning.

Fat people get all sorts of sucky comments when they walk around all day.  There’s a social stigma that has worked to prevent people from saying all sorts of hateful, discriminatory comments, yet literally no one ever thinks twice about shouting, “Hey fatty!”  whenever a fatty walks onto a bus.

Sadly, few people trust a fatty.  Old ladies have been known to clutch their grocery bags just a little tighter whenever there’s a fatty around.  I mean, sure, that fat person is fat, but they aren’t going to steal your groceries.  They’re going to go buy their own food and eat it and then be sad.

Often, for a fatty, it’s a vicious cycle.  They eat too much.  They feel bad.  They want to lose weight.  They’ll work real hard on it for a week only to see like two pounds tick off the scale when maybe they have a hundred or more to go.

They can literally feel the world giving them the shaft and life passing them by and so it becomes difficult to not just reach out for the only thing that doesn’t say no, the only thing that never denies them comfort, i.e. – food.

You laugh, but if you’ve had any kind of addiction, you’re doing the same thing.  Alcoholics, smokers and sex addicts are also putting their bodies at risk, it’s just that, you know, you can’t look at a person and realize right away that they’re an alcoholic or a smoker or a sex fiend.  Alas, the fatty’s problem is plain for the world to see.

In short, you can hide an alcohol problem, but if you’re fat, the whole world knows you eat too many donuts.

Big Fat Sucker, there’s probably no advice I can give you that you already don’t know, but I’ll try.

#1 – Forgive yourself.

Hard, but necessary.  You hate yourself for ruining your life with food.  You can see how good life has been for skinny people and you want in.  You’re mad you’ve missed out on it for so long.  Stop beating yourself up…you have to.  The more down you get, the more likely you’ll reach for the fridge.

# 2 – Exercise

Not easy and maybe at first you won’t be able to do much, but a little everyday builds up and eventually you’ll be able to exercise a lot.

#3 – Eat less and better.

A no brainer.  I feel like I’m insulting your intelligence by saying this.

#4 – Recognize You’re an Addict

Recovering alcoholics stay out of bars.  Recovering fatties should stay out of pizza parlors, candy stores, places that could trigger a fatty relapse.

#5 – Stay Away from Negative People

For some reason, people like to get into each others’ business.  If you’re a recovering alcoholic, no one will ever shove a beer at you, but if you’re a recovering fatty, everyone shoves food at you and they act like you’re a dick if you don’t take it.  The average person just sees food as a nice thing.  They don’t understand what it does to you.

Thus, you’ll go to a friend’s party to be polite.  You’ll sit there and try to sip a glass of water and enjoy a light snack but guaranteed, every asshole at the party will shove hot dogs, hamburgers, cookies, cake, Aunt Gertie’s casserole and so on at you and they’ll act like you’re Hitler if you say no.

You’ll never succeed at trying to explain to these folks your point of view.  Just smile politely, take the food, drop it in the trash when they aren’t looking.

#6 – Imagine How Happy You’ll Be

Do you sometimes think that if you had just begun your weight loss journey a year ago, you’d be much happier today?  Don’t worry.  Just start today because next year will be here before you know it.

#7 – Consider Other Options

Bariatric surgery and other weight loss surgeries might be something you’d want to look into.  I can’t really advise you on that.  You’d have to talk to your doctor and really you should consult your doctor on any weight loss plan.  In fact, BQB’s lawyer reminds you that I’m just talking out of my ass here, so you shouldn’t follow anything I say in this column but rather do  your own research.

CONCLUSION

Being fat sucks and like any addiction, it’s not easily beaten.  However, it can be overcome and all of you Big Fat Suckers can do it.  Just know that your old pal Vinny B believes in you, so drop that pizza, pick up a celery stalk and get on the treadmill.

Most importantly, stop sulking over the years you’ve lost to fatness.  Start looking forward to a life as a skinny, non-fat sucker.  It’s a life that’s just a few good, non-sucky decisions away.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – I May Have Screwed Up My Life

You know 3.5 readers, the one thing I realize as I get older is I regret not doing a lot of shit – shit I didn’t do when I was younger and now if I do it when I’m older, it just seems lame, like giving a participation ribbon to the kid who finished the race five hours after everyone else went home.

Is it possible to pack in a lot of stuff to overcome a regrettable life or is it too late and time to wallow in self-pity and remorse?

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Things that Really Frost My Ass – A Message to the Class of 2017 from Your Graduation Speaker, Uncle Hardass

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By: Uncle Hardass, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Grumpy Old Man Correspondent

Dun da dun dun dun…ok, that’s enough.  Cut it.  Cut the music!  Everybody sit down and shut your filthy sewer holes!  I’m a busy man.  Time is money and you people are not worth my time.  Let’s get this bullshit dog and pony show that you all think is so important now but none of you will be able to remember a damn thing about it in twenty years over with.

Class of 2017, it’s your Grumpy Uncle Hardass, here with some words of wisdom that you won’t listen to because you all think you’re hot shits who know everything even though what you don’t know could fill that government warehouse in Indiana Jones where the Feds keep all of the mysterious shit they don’t want the world to know about.

Here is, in no particular order, the top five pieces of advice I have for you.  Take it or leave it.  If you don’t want to take it, it’s no sweat off of my wrinkly old sack, I’ll tell you that.

#1 – Get Jobs

Immediately.  Right now.  Seriously, why are you idiots standing around in the hot sun wearing heavy robes like a bunch of dumb asses.  You could have spent the time you’re spending today on patting each other on the back on making money.

Always make money, kids.  Always make money.  At all times.  No matter what you are doing.  Have a day job.  Have a night job.  Have side jobs to do when you can steal five minutes away from you day and night jobs.

Have a job while you are sleeping.  Don’t just sleep at home.  Sleep in a lab where scientists want to pay you to study you sleep patterns.

Don’t eat breakfast for free.  Get paid by a cereal company to eat their latest cereal, then fill out a report about what gastrointestinal distress it caused you.

Don’t shit for free.  There’s a scientist somewhere who wants to study your shit.

Are you having sex for free like a bunch of idiots?  Why, when the prostitution market has never been better.  Beer and hookers.  The two products that everyone will need, and even more so when the economy tanks.  When people are out of work, they get depressed…and they need hookers.

And I’m not just talking to the women.  Men, don’t be too proud to sell your bodies for cents on the dollar.  What, you think your old Uncle Hardass never engaged in unpleasant activities just to make ends meet?

Actually, go on thinking that.  I have a reputation to uphold.

#4 – Always Carry Rubbers

You are all very ugly and I can’t imagine anyone would ever want to see any of you naked.  Frankly, I feel like I’m going to be sick and you’re all covered from head to toe in long black gowns.

Even so, you never know when someone will take pity on one of you uggos and want to get freaky.  Do you want that to happen while you don’t have protection?  I think not.

Back in my day, the worst that would happen if you had unprotected sex is you’d get itchy until the doctor would shoot you up with penicillin.  Or worst case scenario, you get a kid that you can browbeat the shit out of until it grows up and gives up all of its dreams and joins you in working in the salt mines.

Today, there are exotic sex diseases that will turn your organs into liquefied shit.  I don’t care how ugly you are and how attractive your partner is.  Ain’t no one got time for that.

Honestly, you should control yourselves and wait for marriage but if you can’t control yourself, then be sure to bag it before you tag it.

#3 – Save Your Money

A fool and his money are soon parted.  However, a penny saved is a penny earned.  Put your pennies in a bank and your interest will grow and compound.  When a rainy day comes, you’ll be surprised at how much your pennies have grown.  It’s as if your pennies have been fucking all this time, getting each other pregnant and giving birth to new pennies who would, in turn, fuck and make more pennies.  While you were out busy living your life, your pennies were having a Caligula-like Roman orgy and now that you’re older, you can reap the benefits of all that hardcore penny fucking.

So save your pennies, because if you spend your pennies on frivolous shit, then your pennies are just going to fuck for some other asshole’s benefit.  You don’t want that.  You want your pennies fucking for you.

#2 – Fart Often

Life is too short to pretend like we all don’t have to fart.  Stop holding them in.  Let them out…right now…then wave the stench in the direction of all of these lowlife college administrators who keep tacking extra charges to your tuition to fund all kinds of frivolous bullshit even though we all know that the degrees you are about to receive have never been more meaningless and though you’re all convinced you’re about to become great captains of industry, you will all most likely go home and ride Mom and Dad’s couch until the end of time.

So, you might as well be happy and fart.

#1 – Don’t Become Bloggers

Seriously.  Don’t do it.  My lousy, incompetent, good for nothing nephew, Bookshelf Q. Battler, has been blogging for literally 3.5 years now and all he has to show for it is a lousy 3.5 readers.

You want to be a writer?  Good for you.  Knock knock.  Who’s there?  The world.  We do not give a shit what you have to say.  We all have our own problems.

There are more productive ways to spend your time, like clipping your toe nails and waxing your bikini zone.

Your Advice

Do you have advice for the Class of 2017?  Share it in the comments.

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The Real McCoy – Do What You Were Meant to Do…NOW!

By:  Leo McCoy, The Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek

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Hello 3.5 readers.

Leo “The Real” McCoy here, back once more to bring this pitiful blog some much needed pizzazz, ambience, and an overall joie de vivre.  That’s some classy French talk I heard some fancy lady say once.  Impressed?  Yeah, I thought so.

Look at you people, going to your jobs, saving your pennies, day dreaming about your goals and aspirations.  You know what I call you people?  Slackers!  Utter failures!  Losers!

Sorry, but someone had to say it and we all know Bookshelf Q. Battler wasn’t going to.  “Oh I’m BQB and I love my 3.5 readers!”  Bleh.  Gag me with a slightly moist argyle sock worn a regular basis by an eighty-nine year old man.

You know I think you’re all chumps?  Because you should have accomplished your life’s work by now.  Stop working towards something and just do that something already.  The earlier the better.

Seriously.  Who knows for sure how much time we have?  You’ve got to treat every day like it’s your last and that means you have to achieve what you have been dreaming of TODAY. Not tomorrow.  Not next week.  Not next year.  TODAY!

Once you achieve what you’re after, you’ll be living on easy street.  Doesn’t matter how poor you are, how downtrodden you are, how crappy your life becomes.  You can hold your head up high and be happy because you did what you needed to do.  You achieved your life’s purpose and so you can now coast for the rest of your life.

But I get it.  Not everyone can be as lucky as me, Leo “The Real McCoy.  Not everyone gets the opportunity, at age 19, to deliver a reuben sandwich, a bag of barbecue chips and a bottle of Dr. Pepper to their idol, one Mr. James Van Der Beek, star of the late 1990s WB hit sensation, Dawson’s Creek.

The Beek on the Creek.  Wow.  I remember that day like it was yesterday.  “Sir, here’s your order and might I say that when I look at you, it’s like I’m staring at the visage of a Greek god who was cast out of Mount Olympus and forced to mingle with us mere mortals for a time.”

His reply?  “Thank you.  Keep the change and go away please.”

Yes.  Go away, I did.  And at that young age, my life was complete.  I didn’t need to go to college, or become a doctor or a lawyer or get married or have kids or get a real job or quote unquote, “do something meaningful and productive with my life.”

Why?  Because before I reached age 20, I did what God intended me to do.  God put me on this planet to make sure that James Van Der Beek would not go hungry or thirsty on one day in particular so he could concentrate on entertaining the viewers of the Creek.

Twenty years later, I’m proud to say I did what you wanted me to do God.  I did all that you intended for me to do.  I’m so proud of myself for doing it.  In fact God, I’d love it if you could let me stay alive and well on this planet for at least another sixty some odd years or so, just so I can inspire others to reach their full potential and do what you put them here to do by regaling them with my inspiration tale of how I delivered James Van Der Beek his lunch.

What’s your sandwich, 3.5 readers?  Who is your James Van Der Beek?  What are you supposed to do?  Figure out why God put you here.  Determine what God was thinking when he put you here.  When he put me here, he said, “I need Leo ‘The Real’ McCoy to exist so that one day James Van Der Beek will not be hungry or parched.”  That’s what God say when he made me.

What did God say when he made you?  You don’t want to disappoint God, 3.5 readers.  When you get to the pearly gates and God asks, “Hey, did you do that thing you were supposed to do?”  You don’t want to throw God all kinds of lame excuses.  You don’t want to be all like, “No, sorry God, I was too busy playing Madden football on my X-Station or whatever it’s called.”

“Sorry God.  I didn’t reach my full potential because I was too busy feeding my cat, brushing my hair, eating tacos, braiding my toe hair, washing my testicles with a scrub brush, sleeping in late because my alarm broke and oh yeah I just didn’t give a shit because I was filled with massive amounts of ennui despite the wonderful, miraculous gift of life you gave me so uh, yeah I’ll just be in the corner now and you’ll have to make another person to do the shit that I was supposed to do.  Thanks.”

That was my impression of you.  That’s what you’ll sound like if you don’t get up off your butt and do what you’re supposed to do.

Think I’m worried about meeting God?  No.  When I meet him I can say, “No sweet, G-man.  Remember way back in 1998 when James Van Der Beek was hungry and thirsty?  I had it covered so uh, let me into heaven, man.  I want to check the scene, maybe tip back a few cold ones with Abraham Lincoln and snort some lines off of Marilyn Monroe’s knockers.”

Well.  Maybe I won’t mention that last part.  I mean, it’s Heaven so technically you ought to get to do what you want but, I’m pretty sure Heaven Marilyn is clean and sober now.

In conclusion, stop wasting time!  Go do what you were meant to do right now…like, RIGHT FREAKING NOW!

You’ll be so glad once you get it done because as soon as you do whatever it is, then you can just totally flog the monkey and watch cartoons and drink brewskis and eat nacho cheese chips for like the next 50-60 years.  Totally sweet.

Good luck doing what you are supposed to do, 3.5 readers and oh, if you see BQB, give him a kick in the old stink berries for me, Leo “The Real” McCoy.

You’re welcome for this amazing advice that you clearly do not deserve.

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – My Money Problems Suck

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I think it totally sucks when people suck.

Perhaps you’ve read one of my many fine anti-suck books:

There’s Got to Be a Suck-less Morning After

Once Around the Riverbend of Non-Suckdom

Sucks to Be You, But It Doesn’t Have To

Helpful Hints for Suckers

Un-Suck Your Life in One Year or Less

Step Up and Stop Sucking

Does It Suck in Here or Is It Just You?

Glad you 3.5 suckers are back, still joining me in this long, arduous journey to a suck-free lifestyle.  You know, they say that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither will your suck-free life.  So if it feels like your suck-free life is taking too long, then just pretend you’re a Roman…but not just any Roman – a sucky Roman.

Today’s suck related question comes from a big old sucker with sucky money problems:

Dear Vinny B,

I sure do suck with money!  Every penny I earn is already spent before I make it.  I can’t help it.  I have all sorts of money sucking addictions.  Gambling.  Shopping.  Oh, and I have three ex-wives who suck any leftover money I have right out of my wallet.

The bank’s about to foreclose on my house.  My car’s been repossessed.  I don’t think I’ll ever retire.

Is there anyway for me to climb down this mountain of suck?

– A Guy Who Sucks at Money from Brooklyn

Wow, Brooklyn Sucker.  Your life sounds like it sucks the big one for sure.  And you’re right.  You’ve climbed up a big mountain of suck.  It’s so big you might as well call it Mount Suckeverest.

But I’m pleased to say that with most sucky problems in life, there is a suck-less solution to a big time sucky problem.

To put it bluntly – stop sucking at money!  (FYI you can buy my new thirty part book series, “Stop Sucking at Money” for just seven hundred dollars each.  A real bargain if you ask me.  Check your local non-sucking book store for more info).

Let me go through the typical things that suckers do to suck up their finances:

Gambling

Gambling sucks.  Some people can go to a casino, have a drink, have a laugh, lose a little money on the slots and that’s it.  Others convince themselves that they’re just one lucky hand away from easy street and so they they throw their money away.  And then, just when they’re down to their last couple of bucks, they throw that away too.

This is a situation that sucks.  If you can’t control yourself in a casino, then please, make a pledge to never step inside one.

In fact, stay away from all forms of gambling.  Lucky scratchers.  Lottery tickets.  High stakes games of paper, rock scissors.  If it’s a game that involves betting, you need to stay out of it or else your life will always suck.

Shopping

Sure, we all need stuff.  And yes, occasionally it’s nice to even splurge a little.

But, if you are constantly buying junk you don’t need then you’re going to rack up some pretty high credit card bills.

Exercise some willpower.  New shoes?  Your old ones are just fine.  New underwear?  Underpants with holes in them never hurt anyone.  Easier access if you ask me.

New gadget or gizmo?  It’ll either break or be rendered obsolete by a newer version by the time you bring it home from the store.

Make a budget.  Stick to it.

Cut Up Your Credit Cards

Let’s face it.  Bankers suck.  However, one thing they don’t suck at is sucking up your money.  If you’re running up high credit card bills, then sit back and watch as your interest charges pile up.

Many suckers look at credit cards as free money.  That’s because these suckers suck when it comes to thinking about the future.

Don’t work for the bank.  Work for yourself.  If you can’t afford to buy it with cash, then you don’t need it.

Save

Brooklyn Sucker, it sounds like your finances really suck, so I doubt you’ll ever get out from under this suck cloud anytime soon.  But, once you do, make a vow to never suck up your money like this ever again.

Start not sucking at saving money.  Whether it’s a hundred, ten, or a single dollar, make a contribution to a high interest savings account every week.  Over time, it all adds up.  Hell, maybe after awhile, you might do some modest, reasonable investing by looking into some decent suck-free mutual funds.  Don’t get too crazy.  Sometimes suckers are known to get carried away and gamble with the stock market like they do at a casino.

The bottom line is that non-suckers make their money work for them.  Money begets money and more money begets a less sucky lifestyle.

Suck-Less Conclusion

The road ahead of you is long and full of suck, Brooklyn Sucker.  The sooner you buckle down and stop sucking, the sooner you’ll end up in the highly coveted Valley of Non-Suckitude.

By the way, you can get my new book, “The Valley of Non-Suckitude” at a book store near you that doesn’t suck, for the low, low price of $999.99.  It includes a book on beta max and a signed photo of yours truly.  I mean, you have sucky money problems, Brooklyn Sucker, so whenever you hear of a low, low, ridiculously low price on a book that will totally change your life, then you really should take advantage of it.

 

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Rap Philosophy – All I Need is a Big Booty Ho

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The year?  2012.

The artist?  2 Chainz, a true revolutionary in that he made the world aware that he only needed two chains.  He was too important to have only one chain, yet not so tacky that he needed a hundred chains.  He just needed one more chain that the average man.

The song?  The Birthday Song.

The important lyrics:

When I die, bury me inside that Gucci store
When I die, bury me inside that Louis store
All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho
All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho.

Crude?  Certainly.  Crass?  Definitely.  Groundbreaking?  You bet.

Shakespeare?  Fakespeare.  Chaucer?  Schmaucer.  With these four lines, 2 Chainz proves to be one of the greatest bards of the English language.

3.5 READERS: But BQB!  He’s just talking about material possessions and women with big butts.

Yes…and no.

Death.  Ahh, the Grim Reaper eventually puts his icy hand on all over our shoulders.  And so, all that Mr. Chainz asks is that when he dies, he is buried in a high end fashion store (Gucci or Louis).

He considers himself high end, a man worthy of the respect that wealthy shoppers give to luxury clothing labels.  That’s how he wants to be remembered – as high end.

But he’s not dead yet.  In life, and for as long as air fills his lungs, the man wants what is most important to him, namely, women with loose morals and copious derrieres.  Big booty hoes make Mr. Chainz happy and he wishes to celebrate his birthday (the annual celebration of his life) by pursuing his great passion of fornicating with big booty hoes.

What the general public fails to realize is that getting the gift of a big booty ho on your birthday is a metaphor that could represent literally what is the most important pursuit in anyone’s life.  When you hear Mr. Chainz say, “All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho” you should hear, “All I want for my birthday is to pursue the most important activity in my life.”

3.5 readers, what is your big booty ho?  For 2 Chainz, his big booty ho actually was a big booty ho.

For me, my big booty ho is writing.  All I want for my birthday is a seven figure book publishing deal.  Although, to be honest, I wouldn’t turn down a big booty ho either.

What’s your big booty ho?  Is it music?  Art? Sports?  Photography?  Hiking? Tennis? Basketball?  Needlepoint? Cooking?  Fancy dining?  Travel?

Maybe the big booty ho isn’t an activity but a dream.  A goal.  2 Chainz’s goal is to get down with a big booty ho.  Maybe you dream of becoming an Olympic athlete, or a broadway star, or the next start up company billionaire.  Whatever it is, you must pursue and grab hold of the gigantic butt cheeks of your big booty ho before it is too late and you are left all alone, with nary a big booty ho in sight.

Whatever your personal big booty ho is, I hope you pursue it.  And if you ever lose sight of your big booty ho, I hope that you will remember to keep chasing that big booty ho on your birthday.  Birthdays are fun days to celebrate our life, but they also keep us humble and remind us that that clock is ticking, and there’s one less year to chase that big booty ho that is eluding us.

Tell me about your big booty ho in the comments, 3.5 readers.

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Desuck Your 2017

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m going to stick a straw into the world and suck all the suck right out of it until it sucks no more.

Perhaps you have read one of my many fine anti-suck books:

The History of Not Sucking

1001 People Who Do Not Suck

Would You Suck for a Buck? (Not about prostitution).

Unsucking Humanity (Is about prostitution).

Suck Out the Suck

How Many Sucks Must a Man Desuck Before He Can Be Called a Non-Sucker?

Help! My Life Sucks!

The Suck on the Train

Once, Twice, Three Times a Sucker

A Sucky Day in Brooklyn

Pulp Suction

Sucking in Outer Space

The Wheel of Suck

Around, Around the Suck Goes.  Where Does It Stop?  Nobody Who Doesn’t Suck Knows

I Can’t Stop This Sucky Feeling

3.5 readers, did you suck last year?

Be honest.  You know you did.

You sucked at life.  You sucked in your relationships.  You sucked at home.  You sucked at work.

You would not, could not un-suck in a truck, you would not, could not, un-suck with a duck.

Face it.  The bad news is that you suck.

The good news is that sucking is not a permanent condition.  If you’ve come down with a bad case of the sucks, you are in luck, because this malady is curable.

What did you suck at?  Your health?  Stop sucking at exercise.  Stop sucking at abstaining from fatty foods.  Stop sucking at willpower.

Did you suck at your job?  Stop sucking at showing up on time.  Stop sucking at putting in the extra effort.  Stop sucking at communicating with your co-workers.

Did you suck in your relationship?  Stop sucking at being faithful to your significant other. Stop sucking at honesty.  Stop sucking at kindness.  Stop sucking at love.

2016 is in the suck can of history.  You can’t change it.  You can’t fix it.  If you sucked last year, your memories of last year will always suck.

But don’t make your past suckiness ruin your life.  You do not have to suck forever.  You can grab the suck bull by its sucky horns and ride it all day long until it tires out and it doesn’t feel like sucking up your life anymore.

Here’s my three step plan to suck the suck right out of 2017:

Step #1 – Admit That You Suck

You have to suck at denying that you suck.  Don’t hide your suck.  Pull your suck right out of yourself and hold it out for all the world to see, then yell, “I suck with the gale force wind of a thousand Hoover vacuums and I will not suck for one day longer!”

As long as you hide your suck, you can ignore your suck.  And ignored suck never goes away.  Confront that suck.

Step #2 – Develop a Plan to Not Suck

Do you suck at being thin?  Make a plan to stop sucking at stopping by the gym every day after work.

Do you suck at meeting new friends?  Make a plan to introduce yourself to one new person once a week and strike up a conversation that does not suck.

Do you suck at cleanliness?  Stop sucking at doing the dishes, the laundry, and all those daily chores that suck but keep your home from not sucking.

Is there something you’ve always wanted to do?  Stop sucking at learning it.

Step #3 – Follow Through with Your Anti-Suck Plans

Whatever you need to do to not suck, do it.  Make your anti-suck plan work, then work your anti-suck plan.

Ridding your life of its suck won’t happen overnight, but if you make a commitment to never suck again starting today, then by the end of 2017, you will surely see a tremendous reduction in your life’s suck levels.

This suck won’t un-suck itself, people.  You’ve got to stop sucking at making your suck-free life happen.  There’s no time like the present to not suck.

Thank you for reading, 3.5 readers, and don’t forget to pick up one of my anti-suck books, available now at a book store near you that does not suck.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: Vinny Baggadouchio holds no credentials of any kind and nothing he says should be construed as advice that you should rely upon. If you suck, you should seek the help of trained professionals who can assist you in unsucking up your sucky life.

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Stop Blaming Others and Own Your Suck

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m never going to stop spreading my advice to the sucky masses on how to stop sucking until the day comes when the world is entirely suck free.

Perhaps you recognize me from one of my anti-suck self-help books:

This Suck Isn’t Going to Unsuck Itself

Sucking Around the World in Eighty Days

The Suck Cure

Suck Wars: The Suck Awakens

How to Deal with Suckers Who Suck

Why Do I Suck?

Why Do You Suck?

Why Does Everyone Around Me Suck?

Will I Ever Not Suck?

3.5 suckers, here’s today’s request for anti-suck advice:

Dear Vinny B,

I try so hard not to suck but it is not my fault. Everyone around me is a giant suck bag and they keep dragging me into their suck. I’ll never stop sucking as long as I have to be around all these sucky suckers and suck in all of their suck all day.

Really. It’s not my fault. Their suck is sucking me in.

Sincerely,

Sucks in Cleveland

Yikes. That letter really sucks, Sucks in Cleveland.

To adapt a scene from The Godfather III, it’s like you’re Michael Corleone and you thought you did everything possible to remove yourself from a world that sucks and then something happens that sucks and your response is, “Just when I thought I was out of the suck, they pull me back into the suck.”

Look. I get it. People suck. And you live in a world where people suck. It feels like the suck is unavoidable. Frankly, it often isn’t.  So much suck comes right at you from every direction.

Second hand suck is very potent. If you’re not careful, sucky people can get their suck all over you and turn you into a big fat sucker.

But you can’t resign yourself to the inevitably of suck.  You have to deflect the suck.

STEP 1 – DEFLECT THE SUCK

Often, you can’t beat the suck but that doesn’t mean you have to join the suck.

EXAMPLE:

YOUR FRIENDS: Hey, want to shoot heroin and then knock over a liquor store and punch a nun in the face?

YOU: No thank you. All of those activities sound like they would suck and I would rather not suck.

See? You’ve sidestepped the suck.

Listen, it would be great if you could talk everyone around you into not sucking but often that isn’t possible. Their suck is too strong and suckers will never stop sucking until they are ready to not suck.

In other words, you can’t really hold down all those suckers in your life and force them to not suck, but you can be there to help them when they come to you seeking advice on how to not suck anymore.

Some people just need to hit that rock bottom of suck before they will see the not sucking light and make the long climb up that anti-suck ladder.

Becoming a non-sucker doesn’t happen overnight.

3.5 READERS: But Vinny, avoiding the suck isn’t always that easy or straightforward.

Oh don’t I know it.  Case in point:

YOU: Oh I think I will do a lot of things on my day off to prevent my life from sucking. I’m going to hit the gym and then buy some broccoli at the grocery store…

YOUR FRIEND AND/OR RELATIVE WHO SUCKS: No, I want you to sit around all day and watch TV and get fat off of pizza with me…

YOU:  No, I’m going to go to the gym and…

SUCKING PERSON: Ugh but I’ll be so depressed if you leave me.  Ugh stay and let’s do some hits of elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: How did you get elephant tranquilizer?

SUCKING PERSON: Bah, I know a guy at the zoo.

YOU: Well, I’m sorry but I don’t want to watch TV and get fat and take elephant tranquilizer.

SUCKING PERSON: Waah!  You must really hate me. Waaah.

YOU: No, no. I don’t want you to feel like you suck. OK I’ll skip the gym and the broccoli and stay here and eat pizza and take elephant tranquilizer with you.

WRONG!

Absolutely wrong.

Don’t get sucked into a sucky person’s suck web.

I’m not saying don’t get help for a sucky person.  If you’ve got a person in your life who sucks then do what you can to help them stop sucking, but there’s never a reason to join in on the suck.

You don’t want to become suckily codependent with someone.  That’s when two people get together and decide to suck and feed off of one another’s suck.  They make you suck. You make them suck. It’s just a vicious suck cycle where the suck never ends.

Thus, in the above case, you, as a person trying their best to not suck, should set a good example and try to talk to the sucker about ways to stop sucking. See if they’d be willing to talk to a professional who can help them kick their pizza, TV and elephant tranquilizer habits, but other than that, there’s no reason to suck yourself up by engaging yourself in the suck.

Don’t take elephant tranquilizer just to make an elephant tranquilizer addict happy.  And moreover, don’t do something that you know sucks just to avoid making a sucky person feel bad.

Now I get it.  Often the second hand suck doesn’t transfer itself that obviously.

YOU: I’m going to go to the gym and the broccoli store.

SUCKY PERSON: Eh, I need you to clean the house and do the dishes, mow the lawn, wash the cat, shine my shoes, whitewash the fence, cook a nice brisket, rub the bunions on my feet, polish the caulk in the bathroom with a toothbrush, pick all the lint out of the carpet with a pair of tweezers, trim my nose hairs, develop a cure for all diseases known to mankind and skip to the lou my darling…

YOU: Holy shit.  Are you going to do anything to help?

SUCKY PERSON: Nah, I’m going to sit here and watch TV and eat pizza and take elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: But I don’t want to do any of that.

SUCKY PERSON: That’s cool. Just do everything else because I’m too busy watching TV and eating pizza and taking elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: But if I’m always doing everything because you’re too busy watching TV and eating pizza and taking elephant tranquilizer then I’ll never have time to go to the gym and eat broccoli.

SUCKY PERSON: That’s a bitch.

Sucky people are like ninjas. They are very stealthy with their suck.  Sometimes they hit you right up front with the suck stick so you see it coming but other times they sneak the suck up on you and you don’t realize that they’ve even sucked you into their suck until you already suck.

So in that case you must…

STEP 2 – WORK AROUND THE SUCK

You’ve got a real sucker in your life and they’re constantly throwing piles of suck at you.

But you don’t want to kick that sucker to the curb because you feel like people who don’t suck should always keep trying to unsuck a sucker and I feel you.

There’s nothing wrong with being a non-sucker and still loving and/or caring about a person who sucks.

So if you feel like you can’t ditch this sucker, then work around this sucker.

Get up even earlier and go to the gym.  Stay up a little later so you can go to the broccoli store.

I know. That sucks. Like an acrobat, you’re constantly dodging suck and coming up with new and creative ways to turn suck into non suck but if you’re stuck in a situation that sucks then that’s all you can do. Just keep dodging that suck and keep finding ways to make yourself not suck.

Work around that suck.  You know the suck is coming.  Don’t let the suck keep ramming into you.  Do some fancy footwork and bypass the suck.

If you really can’t then yes, sadly…

STEP 3 – DITCH THE SUCK

Yes. I know.  That thought sucks. But if the suck is truly unavoidable, you may have to put some thought into ditching that sucker.

Only you know what your sucky situation is like and only you are aware of your personal level of suck tolerance.

You don’t necessarily even have to abandon a sucker completely. You might be able to lend a non-sucky ear and a non-sucky helping hand from time to time, but if you really feel as though a sucker is dragging you down into a suck vortex, then you’ve got to jump ship and start swimming to the suck free shoreline.

In other words…

STEP 4 – ALWAYS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR SUCK

At the end of the day, life is about choices.  Some people face harder choices than others. Some people are put into sucky situations that others couldn’t possibly dream of.

But bottomline you can either sit around and suck and lament and complain about how you live a sucky life because you’re trapped by all the suckers around you or you can pull yourself up and decide that you are not going to suck and you are not going to let suckers make you suck.

I do realize that some people have more sucky suckers to deal with than others but when all is said and done, only you can decide to not do things that suck.

As always, thanks for listening, keep not sucking and don’t forget to buy my anti-suck books, now available at a book store near you that does not suck.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: Vinny Baggadouchio holds no credentials of any kind and nothing he says should be construed as advice that you should rely upon. If you suck, you should seek the help of trained professionals who can assist you in unsucking up your sucky life.

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