Tag Archives: Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio

Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – My Money Problems Suck

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I think it totally sucks when people suck.

Perhaps you’ve read one of my many fine anti-suck books:

There’s Got to Be a Suck-less Morning After

Once Around the Riverbend of Non-Suckdom

Sucks to Be You, But It Doesn’t Have To

Helpful Hints for Suckers

Un-Suck Your Life in One Year or Less

Step Up and Stop Sucking

Does It Suck in Here or Is It Just You?

Glad you 3.5 suckers are back, still joining me in this long, arduous journey to a suck-free lifestyle.  You know, they say that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither will your suck-free life.  So if it feels like your suck-free life is taking too long, then just pretend you’re a Roman…but not just any Roman – a sucky Roman.

Today’s suck related question comes from a big old sucker with sucky money problems:

Dear Vinny B,

I sure do suck with money!  Every penny I earn is already spent before I make it.  I can’t help it.  I have all sorts of money sucking addictions.  Gambling.  Shopping.  Oh, and I have three ex-wives who suck any leftover money I have right out of my wallet.

The bank’s about to foreclose on my house.  My car’s been repossessed.  I don’t think I’ll ever retire.

Is there anyway for me to climb down this mountain of suck?

– A Guy Who Sucks at Money from Brooklyn

Wow, Brooklyn Sucker.  Your life sounds like it sucks the big one for sure.  And you’re right.  You’ve climbed up a big mountain of suck.  It’s so big you might as well call it Mount Suckeverest.

But I’m pleased to say that with most sucky problems in life, there is a suck-less solution to a big time sucky problem.

To put it bluntly – stop sucking at money!  (FYI you can buy my new thirty part book series, “Stop Sucking at Money” for just seven hundred dollars each.  A real bargain if you ask me.  Check your local non-sucking book store for more info).

Let me go through the typical things that suckers do to suck up their finances:

Gambling

Gambling sucks.  Some people can go to a casino, have a drink, have a laugh, lose a little money on the slots and that’s it.  Others convince themselves that they’re just one lucky hand away from easy street and so they they throw their money away.  And then, just when they’re down to their last couple of bucks, they throw that away too.

This is a situation that sucks.  If you can’t control yourself in a casino, then please, make a pledge to never step inside one.

In fact, stay away from all forms of gambling.  Lucky scratchers.  Lottery tickets.  High stakes games of paper, rock scissors.  If it’s a game that involves betting, you need to stay out of it or else your life will always suck.

Shopping

Sure, we all need stuff.  And yes, occasionally it’s nice to even splurge a little.

But, if you are constantly buying junk you don’t need then you’re going to rack up some pretty high credit card bills.

Exercise some willpower.  New shoes?  Your old ones are just fine.  New underwear?  Underpants with holes in them never hurt anyone.  Easier access if you ask me.

New gadget or gizmo?  It’ll either break or be rendered obsolete by a newer version by the time you bring it home from the store.

Make a budget.  Stick to it.

Cut Up Your Credit Cards

Let’s face it.  Bankers suck.  However, one thing they don’t suck at is sucking up your money.  If you’re running up high credit card bills, then sit back and watch as your interest charges pile up.

Many suckers look at credit cards as free money.  That’s because these suckers suck when it comes to thinking about the future.

Don’t work for the bank.  Work for yourself.  If you can’t afford to buy it with cash, then you don’t need it.

Save

Brooklyn Sucker, it sounds like your finances really suck, so I doubt you’ll ever get out from under this suck cloud anytime soon.  But, once you do, make a vow to never suck up your money like this ever again.

Start not sucking at saving money.  Whether it’s a hundred, ten, or a single dollar, make a contribution to a high interest savings account every week.  Over time, it all adds up.  Hell, maybe after awhile, you might do some modest, reasonable investing by looking into some decent suck-free mutual funds.  Don’t get too crazy.  Sometimes suckers are known to get carried away and gamble with the stock market like they do at a casino.

The bottom line is that non-suckers make their money work for them.  Money begets money and more money begets a less sucky lifestyle.

Suck-Less Conclusion

The road ahead of you is long and full of suck, Brooklyn Sucker.  The sooner you buckle down and stop sucking, the sooner you’ll end up in the highly coveted Valley of Non-Suckitude.

By the way, you can get my new book, “The Valley of Non-Suckitude” at a book store near you that doesn’t suck, for the low, low price of $999.99.  It includes a book on beta max and a signed photo of yours truly.  I mean, you have sucky money problems, Brooklyn Sucker, so whenever you hear of a low, low, ridiculously low price on a book that will totally change your life, then you really should take advantage of it.

 

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – The Power of Positive Sucking

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m an anti-suck robot sent from the future to teach you present day suckers how to not suck anymore.

Perhaps you’ve read one of my fine anti-suck books:

Six Sigma Certified Non-Sucking

Raise Your Hand if You Don’t Want to Suck

Hug it Out, Suck it Out

De-Suck Your Way to Greatness

The Good, the Bad and the Sucky

Get this Suck Out of My Life (and Into My Car)

The Art of the Non-Sucking Deal

A Million Little Suck Pieces

Sucks to Be You

Suck No More

Suck or Suck-cess?

3.5 readers, today’s question comes from Larissa Smatchencraft from East Buttfork, Wisconsin:

Dear Vinny,

I am a huge fan of your anti-suck books.  I have attended all of your seminars and worked through all of your anti-suck lessons.  I want you to know you have helped me to stop sucking at my job, my marriage and in so many other aspects of my daily life.

I have a question though.  Is it ok to suck at certain things?  For example, the other day I was walking down the street and I found a wallet just lying there on the sidewalk.  It contained a hundred dollars in cash, but the idea to take it for myself never even crossed my mind.  Instead, I used the ID inside to track down the wallet’s rightful owner.  He was pleased as this was the only money he had and he needed it to purchase his prescription strength anti-anal wart flare up cream.

As I walked home, I was pleased with myself for having done a good deed.  Then it dawned on me: “I suck at dishonesty.”

You’ve always taught me that I should not suck in all things and yet, it seems like dishonesty is something I should suck at.

The question blows my mind but I’ll go ahead and ask it anyway…is it possible that not sucking at certain bad behaviors is a good thing?

Congratulations, Larissa.  The student has finally become the master.

Make no mistake about it:  the general rule is that it sucks to suck.  It sucks so much to suck that I have dedicated my life to helping suckers all over the globe in their efforts to suck the suck right out of their sucky suck bag lives.

Most of the time, my clients come to me in extremely dire, sucky straights.  They are lonely, poor, addicted to a variety of unsavory behaviors and more often than not, huffing anything from soiled ladies’ undergarments to model airplane glue.  I actually had a client who would dip the ladies’ undergarments into the model airplane glue, but that’s a terrible tale for another day.

The point is that I usually try not to bog down the sucky minds of big fat suckers with confusing concepts.  When you suck so much that you can’t even tie your shoes without sucking it up, you can’t handle the more complex lessons found in my advanced courses of anti-suck studies.

What I am about to tell you is such a giant piece of vital, crucial information that frankly, I should charge you for it.  But I won’t.  Because I don’t suck.  And I don’t want you to suck so you must have this knowledge.

Here we go:

Sometimes it is good to suck at something.

I know.  Sounds like blasphemy, right?

But follow me on this.

THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT SUCK AT:

  • Your job.
  • Your marriage.
  • Maintaining your health.
  • Raising your children.
  • Financial stability.
  • Maturity.
  • Responsibility.

Makes sense right?  There are so many good things in this life that you should not suck at.

Then again, and here’s where we swallow the red pill and follow Alice down the rabbit hole so hang on, there are many things that you SHOULD totally suck at if you want to be a decent, well-adjusted, happy and productive non-sucking citizen:

THINGS YOU SHOULD TOTALLY SUCK AT:

  • Dishonesty
  • Deception
  • Adultery
  • Alcoholism
  • Racism
  • Hate
  • Theft
  • Murder
  • Kidnapping
  • Arson
  • Selling Your Spouse to a Sex Slavery Ring Run by Foreign Businessmen/Perverts
  • Addiction
  • Gambling
  • Selling Your Body to Pay Off Your Gambling Debts
  • …and so much more!

Think about that time when you found the wallet, Larissa.  You’ve followed my anti-suck lessons and turned your life from sucking to non-sucking.  You didn’t want to suck it up by doing something that sucks, like stealing money from a stranger who needs it for his anti-anal wart flare up medication.

You were confused, so listened to your gut – a gut you have trained through my many, many anti-suck lessons.  Though, in theory, you have learned that in most cases, you should NOT suck at something, you realized in this case, it would, indeed, suck to be good at something…dishonesty!

In my advanced courses, the ones I reserve for only the creme de la creme of folks who have utterly mastered all of my anti-suck lessons, I teach about “The Power of Positive Sucking.”

Sometimes referred to alternatively as, “Next Level Sucking,” this skill essentially means that you are able to figure out when you MUST suck at something in order to not suck at something.

I know.  You feel like getting out a flow chart and a slide rule, but trust me, the more you dabble in the world of the non-sucker, the easier this all becomes.

Sure, you could have not sucked at dishonesty.  You could have kept the cash, thereby sucking as a human being.  If anyone asked you where you got the money, you could have not sucked at lying and told them it’s yours, that you withdrew it from your bank account or what have you.

You would have not sucked at lying but by not sucking at lying you actually end up sucking at not sucking.  Only filthy degenerate suckers take something that does not belong to them and lie about it.  Non suckers suck at lying in order to not suck at life.  If you suck at dishonesty and theft, you’ll avoid going to jail, ruining your reputation, and ending up with a sucky suck ass life.

I know it is confusing but there so many instances in which you must suck in order to not suck.  For example:

YOU MUST SUCK AT RACISM:  I know.  This is hard.  You’ve spent thousands of dollars and hours on my books and seminars and you know that is time and money well spent.  I’ve etched into your brain the need for you to not suck at most aspects of life.  However, here you must suck at racism.  Sure, you could shout inappropriate names at those outside your ethnic group, but then you’d be sucking up your reputation.  You’d be making others feel like they suck and the suck that you put out into the world always returns back to you two fold.  Suck karma exists.

YOU MUST SUCK AT IMMATURITY:   You are an adult.  You must suck at staying up late.  You must suck at eating junk food.  You must suck at paying your bills late.  You must suck at procrastination.

YOU MUST SUCK AT INFIDELITY:  In the moment, it would feel not sucky at all to rip the clothes off of and go to town on someone other than your spouse.  You wouldn’t suck at adultery at all but by not sucking at cheating you, in fact, are sucking at marriage.

YOU MUST SUCK AT ADDICTION:  Sure, you could learn all the ins and outs of addiction the hard way and become the best addict ever, but if you did, you’d end up poor, downtrodden, unhealthy, alone and most likely, dead – all outcomes that suck.  So, when someone offers you drugs, be sure to suck at saying, “Yes.”

YOU MUST SUCK AT HATE, DEPRESSION, ANGER, SADNESS

If you don’t suck at these emotions, then you will never not suck at being happy and content.

CONCLUSIONS

3.5 readers, there are so many things you MUST suck at in order to not suck in life.  We’ve scratched the surface of these aspects today, and if you are a beginner to my anti-suck lessons, then do try to put the Power of Positive Sucking out of your mind for now and once you have learned to not suck at tying your shoes and putting your pants on, we’ll be able to discuss the more complicated concepts, i.e., the things you must suck at.

Thank you for stopping by.  In fact, you might say you sucked at ignoring your favorite blog, which, if you think about it, is an example of positive sucking.

Don’t forget to suck at not checking out my anti-suck books, available at a book store that does not suck near you.

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio, Motivational Speaker – When Should I Stop Sucking?

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Motivational Speaker and World Renowned Anti-Suck Book Author, Vinny Baggadouchio

Hello 3.5 suckers.

I’m motivational speaker Vinny Baggadouchio and my four step process to help people stop sucking is taking the world by storm. I’ve helped thousands of people abandon their sucky ways. From lowly peons to powerful heads of state, I’ve invigorated and renewed people’s lives by helping them locate better versions of themselves.

Versions that don’t suck.

Have you read one of my many anti-sucking self-help books yet?

Only You Have the Power to Not Suck

A Million Pieces of Suck

Suck Once, Shame On You. Suck Twice? You Really Suck

One Flew Over the Suck Nest

Are You There God? It’s Me, a Person Who Sucks.

Pick one of these fine books up at a bookstore that does not suck. You’ll be glad you did, because you’ll be that much closer to not sucking anymore.

And boy, do you suck.

You know, as an anti-sucking coach, I have people who suck coming up to me all the time asking me questions about how they can get themselves on the path to not sucking anymore.

 

Here’s a question that was posed to me by a young sucky person who recently attended one of my anti-sucking seminars:

Hi Vinny B. I’m a young person and I totally suck. But I have plenty of time to suck, right? I can just suck and suck for years and years before I finally reach that point of rock bottom suckage and decide to embrace the suck free life style that you endorse, right?

– A Young Person Who Sucks

WRONG!

What’s wrong with you? Only a person who sucks would think that way.

Look, sucky young people. You need to do your best to not suck straight out of the gate.

Why?

A) None of us have any idea how much time we have. Sure, statistically, you likely have many years ahead of you.  But none of us really have any guarantee of a long life.  People who suck tend to do dumb, sucky things that shorten their lives exponentially. Start not-sucking as a youngster and your chances of not sucking for the rest of your life or not shortening your life by doing some dumb thing that only a person who sucks would do increase dramatically.

B) It is very easy for a young person who sucks to get stuck in a rut. Sure, it seems harmless now.  You’re 21 and you suck.  Plenty of time to turn it around, right? WRONG! Before you know it you’ll be 30 and everyone knows how hard it is to turn a sucktastic life around after 30.

Vinny B, why is it hard to turn a sucktastic life around after 30?

I’m glad you asked, young sucky person.

The younger you are, the more you benefit from the proverbial “benefit of the doubt.”

There is a magical dividing line between 29 and 30.

29 and single?  You’re a free spirit.

30 and single?  There’s something wrong with you. You are automatically suspected to be a) gay b) a psychopath or c) a gay psychopath.

29 and unemployed? You’re still a free spirit.

30 and employed in a dead end job? You are a loser who has failed anyone and everyone who ever loved you.

So take full advantage of that benefit of the doubt today, young folks. Because before you know it, you’ll be 30, and once you’ve been roaming the earth for thirty years, people won’t be too shy to tell you that you suck anymore.

Now, everyone has problems that suck, even the elderly. Here’s a question an old sucky fart asked me at another one of my anti-suck seminars:

Vinny B, I’m incredibly old and I have sucked my entire life. It is too late for me to not suck anymore, right? I should just embrace my last few sucky years as a sucky person and not kid myself that I could somehow not suck anymore.

– An Old Person Who Sucks

Listen Old Person Who Sucks, I’m not going to pee on your leg and tell you that it doesn’t suck when that happens.

You’ve been around the suck block for too long to be fooled by false promises of non-suckitude.

I’ll be straight with you. Yes, as an old person who sucks, it is a tall order for you to put an end to the sucky ways you are set in after years and years of sucking.

But I truly believe that it is a sin for anyone to croak without at least experiencing one single, solitary day of being a person who doesn’t suck.

So if you’re willing to roll up your sleeves, put in the work, and most importantly, buy my entire collection of anti-suck books at a book store that doesn’t suck near you, then you will be pleased as punch when you wake up one day and find that you are the least sucky person in your entire assisted living facility.

There you have it, folks.  You’re never too young to start not-sucking and you’re never too old to stop sucking.

Do you have any questions about how to not suck anymore?

Post them in the comments. And remember, if you have to ask if you suck, then you suck.

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Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio, Motivational Speaker

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The Bookshelf Battle Blog’s new columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio, will educate BQB’s 3.5 readers on the finer points of a suck free lifestyle.

Hello 3.5 readers.  I’m motivational speaker Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m here to inform you of a cold, hard fact:

You suck.

That’s right.  You suck and had you bothered to pick up one of my many self-help books such as…

How to Stop Sucking

You Too Can Not Suck

Stop Sucking in Thirty Days

The 7 Habits of People Who Don’t Suck

Knock Knock.  Who’s There? You…and You Suck!

Welcome to Sucksville.  Population: You

And of course, my hottest bestseller:

One Suck, Two Suck, Who Sucks? You Suck.

…then you’d be aware that you suck right now.

Yup.  I used to be a big old suckbag like you until I discovered the power of not sucking and with my new column right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog, I’m ready to share the secrets of a suck free life with you.

Look at me, 3.5 readers.  My life does not suck.

Hot babes?  You better believe I’ve got ’em.

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Vinny B gets all the hot chicks.  You could too if you didn’t suck so much, you fat sucker you.

Money? Holy shit. I’ve got enough cash to choke a horse.

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Vinny B makes it rain and you could too if only you would stop being such a giant suck face.

Foxy females. Fat stacks of cash. As a genuine, bonafide non-sucking person, I’ve got a fantastic life. It doesn’t suck it all.

But you know what 3.5 readers?  I’m going to let you in on a little secret:

My life used to suck as bad as yours.

It really did.  I used to suck as bad as you do right now.

Life sure can suck, can’t it? You have all these hopes and dreams but when things don’t go your way and they start to suck, it’s almost impossible to avoid giving it all up to live the life of a sucker.

That’s what I did. Like you, I used to park my fat ass on my sofa and read columns published on sucktastic blogs that only had audiences of 3.5 readers or less.

When I was done reading sucky blogs, I’d suck a gallon of Haagen-Das ice cream down my throat while petting a flatulent llhaso apso named Tilly until four a.m. while watching Kung-Fu movies and dreaming of a non-sucking life that seemed so far, far away.

Holy shit, Vinny B. That sounds like it really sucks.

It did. It really did.  But do you want to know how I stopped sucking so much?

Yes please tell us.

One day, I hit the rock bottom of suckitude.  My wife left me for a man who didn’t suck. My kids called that guy dad because they were tired of having a sucky father.  Shit, even my miniature dog left me to find another owner who didn’t suck because that furry little son of a bitch got depressed as hell just being around me because I sucked so much.

But just then, when I was at my lowest point of suckosity, feeling crushed under the weight of my collective suckyness, I proudly stood up, chucked the ice cream in the trash, turned off the Kung-Fu movie marathon and shouted, “I WILL NOT SUCK FOR ONE DAY LONGER!”

Say it with me, 3.5 readers!

WE WILL NOT SUCK FOR ONE DAY LONGER!

God damn it!  Say it like you mean it!  Say it like people who do not suck!

WE WILL NOT SUCK FOR ONE DAY LONGER!

Holy shit! I actually believed you all that time. You convinced me that you don’t want to suck any more.

Don’t get me wrong. You still suck. I mean, look at yourselves, all covered with potato chip crumbs and running up your credit cards on action figures that you never take out of the box because you’ve convinced yourself that just hanging onto them makes you an interesting person.

Stop it!  You are not interesting! You suck!

You suck but you’re also in luck, for at the Vinny Baggadouchio Institute to Get People to Stop Sucking, I have perfected a four-step process to get people off the suck train and into the non-suck fast lane.

STEP 1 – Admit That You Suck

Everyone knows that you suck. But you know what people who don’t suck do? They don’t provide unsolicited opinions about people’s levels of suckitude. They’ll never tell you to your face that you suck and you’d never believe them anyway because people who suck are always oblivious to the many, many ways in which they suck.

So the first thing you have to do is stop dipping that nacho into that vat of Cheez Whiz, squirt the B.O. off yourself with a little spritz of deodorant, then look yourself in the mirror and shout to the heavens, “I SUCK!”

WE SUCK!

Yes you do.  James Dyson is the inventor of the Dyson line of vacuum cleaners, powerful machines that basically double as mighty hand held wind tunnels capable of sucking up a spec of dirt at fifty paces and transporting it to another dimension.

If you could open up his brain and scoop out the most elaborate sucking invention that he’s yet to develop because it requires the discovery of some strange new alien power source to amplify its suckery…

…you would still suck more than that machine.

And you need to admit that you suck that badly.  Only by admitting that you suck can you begin to trod the path of the non-sucky.

STEP 2 – Identify Why You Suck

There are so many reasons why you could possibly suck.  Every sucky person is like a special sucktabulous snowflake.  No two suckholes are alike.

But based on the real life stories of some of the suckos I’ve brought back from the brink of sucking, here are some of the most common reasons why people suck:

  • You’re that sucker who has convinced himself that spending his entire paycheck on lottery tickets is “an investment.”  YOU SUCK!
  • You are that suck face who still lives with your grandma because you have convinced yourself that you could move out any time if you wanted to but you’re just too good of a grandson to abandon her.  Shut up. Your grandmother hates your guts and prays to Jesus every night that one day you will leave her in peace so that she can just have one moment to touch herself to Dick Van Dyke’s masculine tour de force on Diagnosis Murder before she dies of embarrassment of how badly her grandson sucks.  YOU SUCK!
  • You’ve given up on finding a relationship and instead have bonded with a pillow you drew a face on. Well, I admire your initiative to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear but even so…YOU SUCK!
  • You are an adult and you spend ridiculous amounts of time criticizing Hollywood executives for failing to live up to the standards you have for movies about your favorite comic book characters without ever realizing that you’re not the target demographic…BECAUSE MOVIES ABOUT JACKASSES IN TIGHTS AND CAPES ARE MEANT FOR CHILDREN AND YES, BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER, YOU SUCK!

You need to find that kernel of suck that is making your life suck and isolate it before it sucks up your life any more you big bag of suck.

STEP 3 – Develop a Plan to Stop Sucking

It’s not enough to figure out why you suck. You need to also determine how it will be possible for you to not suck anymore.

Suggestions:

  • Stop pining over your sucky ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Did they leave you because they sucked? Then good riddance. No one wants to be around sucky people because it’s too easy to catch their second hand suck. Did they leave you because you suck? Oh well.  You live and learn…to not suck. There’s no use crying over spilled suck so decide you won’t suck any more and when you’re no longer a sucker, you’ll land a ton of hot ass babes like me, Vinny B.
  • Stop chain smoking, binge eating, compulsive gambling, habitual shopping, prostitute fraternizing, getting spanked by women in furry animal costumes, farting on midgets or whatever other depraved suckfest you’re into.  If you have to ask if the activity that you are into sucks, then it sucks. Stop doing things that make you suck.
  • Tune out the suck filled world for an hour a day and take a walk to contemplate how to navigate your way around the obstacles in your life that make you feel like you want to suck.
  • Say goodbye to people who suck.  Otherwise, it is too easy to succumb to peer suck pressure.
  • Meditate and repeat a mantra such as, “Ommm…ommm…I will not suck…ommm…”
  • Leave post-it notes around your house, in your car and on your desk to remind yourself not to suck. Life moves at a rapid pace, after all, and if we don’t leave ourselves visual cues to not suck, then it is too easy to forget to not suck and revert back to our reflexive, default sucky natures.

STEP 4 – Don’t Suck Anymore

You have admitted that you suck.

You have figured out why you suck.

You have developed a plan to stop sucking.

Now, the fourth and final step. Follow that plan to the letter and refuse to suck anymore.

Believe me.  It isn’t easy.

Inside your mind there is a little negative suck bag voice crying out for you to suck.

EXAMPLES:

  • You know that extra slice of pizza will make your butt grow bigger than a barcalounger, but that suck voice in your head tells you to eat it anyway. Don’t do it. You’ll suck.
  • You know that unclean person you just met in the bar is going to give you herpes with a capital H. Don’t go home with said person anyway. Herpes suck.
  • The idea to buy some ridiculously expensive piece of crap that you’ll never use pops into your head. Ignore it. You don’t need it. High credit card bills suck.

IN CLOSING

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and it pains me to see so many sucky suckbags in the world. You don’t need to suck for one more day and if you follow my advice, you’ll never suck again.

And don’t forget, my series of anti-suck self-help books are available in one collection for the low, low price of $99.99 wherever books that don’t suck are sold.

Buy them all today or else…you suck!

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