Tag Archives: money

Ideas to Increase Traffic to This Fine Blog

I would like to monetize this exceptional blog and get some moolah flowing in.  Mainly, ‘d like to sign up for Word Ads or Google Adsense, but I have read that unless you have thousands of views per month, don’t bother.  I don’t know the exact figures so I don’t want to discourage any of you, but I have read that you need tens of thousands of views a month before you make any worthwhile money.

The only thing I can think of is changing the theme so that this blog is more mobile friendly.  Apparently, Google will put your site lower in the search results if your blog isn’t mobile friendly.  I have been afraid to change for many years as I fear this fine blog would lose its comic booky charm but perhaps I have no choice.  Still, I doubt that would give me the views I need to monetize.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – My Concerns About Socialism and Communism

Gather around, 3.5 readers.

Either you’re all getting too young or I’m getting too old.

I’m a tail end Gen-Xer, which means I’m old enough to have watched Rocky IV in the movie theater and see all of America’s anti-Communism fears take the form of Ivan Drago, the killing machine boxer whose Soviet government was willing to expend untold amounts of government resources on whilst Russian peasants were starving.

OK.  I know Drago wasn’t real but the analogy, i.e. that the Soviets would gladly let scores of their own toil away and live on scraps just to fund the Soviet ambition for world conquest was some scary shit.

I mean, I was a kid so I didn’t worry that much about it but looking back, yeah, the adults were a little scared by it.

I’m also young enough that I never saw the 1950s, where US kids underwent drills in schools where they’d hide under their desks, as if that was somehow going to protect from a nuclear blast.

I’m also young enough I didn’t live through the fear in the 1960s when Castro’s Cuba allowed Russia to place nuclear missiles in Cuba that could have reached US shore easily.

And I’m old enough that I was a teenager in the 1990s, a time when the U.S. and Russia enjoyed a post-Cold War peace that made it seem like the world was on the right path.

In other words, I’m not old enough to remember the worst of Communism, but just old enough to have known adults who lived through those hard times.

Read some history books.  Stories of how Soviet Russia killed millions of its own people.  China did so as well.  I recall one book about how it was common in 1950s China for the Army to go into villages, find that the villagers hadn’t met their farm production quotas, and kill villagers as a warning.  Either that, or sometimes they’d lie to their superiors, tell them the villages have enough food (they didn’t want to admit to their bosses they had failed) and villagers would starve when it would have been easy to have had food sent to them.  So many people died, just over fears of communicating failure to a hostile government that didn’t take failure well.

Want to know how old I am?  When I was a kid, if you didn’t eat your dinner, an old ass elderly person would inevitably say, like clockwork, “What a shame to waste that food, there are starving children in China who would love to have that.”

Then I’d inevitably say well take my dinner and put it in a box and mail it to the starving Chinese kids, you wrinkly old fuck.  OK I wouldn’t say that but still.  See how clueless all you young people are?  You never met an old person who told you that your failure to eat your whole dinner was causing a Chinese kid’s death by starvation.

It scares me when I see so many young people who are all into socialism, which I don’t like on its own and also I don’t like because it’s just a stone’s throw away from communism.  Whenever I see a young person in a Che Guevara shirt watching a superhero movie on his stupid iphone, it’s hard for me to not tell this kid how dumb he is.

Think about it.  Smart phones.  Movies.  TV.  Internet.  All born out of America.  Freedom of speech makes us an entertainment capitol, while capitalism makes all of these inventions possible.

You like all those Marvel superhero movies?  Cool.  Do you think Chris Evans is going to stand around for 14 hours a day in a blue spandex suit that rides up his ass, pretending to yell at CGI monsters if a hefty fee isn’t going into his bank account?  Do you think he’ll do it for the same box of rationed government cheese that everyone else would get in a Commie world?

Does Steve Jobs spend his whole life, ignoring and being shitty to his family, in the hopes of being memorialized for all time as a computer genius if all he gets is a few rolls of toilet paper?  I think not.

Apple computers didn’t start in Russia.  Marvel Comics didn’t start in Russia.  You might point out that a lot of the products you love are manufactured overseas but OK, they didn’t get to you without an underlying profit motive.

This is the way humans are.   Since our prehistoric days, humans have been naturally selfish and self-centered.  Cavemen would build piles of rocks and only give you a rock if you traded them a twig.  There weren’t any cavemen giving out rocks for free.  And if you wanted the primo cavewoman pussy, you had to have yourself a fat ass pile of the best rocks.

There weren’t any cavemen tribes who were sharing the rocks.  You think that a caveman is going to push himself to get 50 rocks when the guy who brings back 1 rock gets the same rock portion?  Screw that.

Communism failed and led to so many deaths because the government had to force people to go against their own instincts – work hard for Jack and don’t complain or its the gulag for you.

Is Capitalism perfect?  No.  I get it.  We all don’t start with the same advantages.  A bad turn of luck can weigh you down forever, keep you from getting a great job and so on.  But I don’t think a better economic system has been invented yet and socialism and communism aren’t it.

So, end of speech.  Sorry I got political.  It concerns me that, “Please don’t become a socialist or a communist” is considered political now.  When I was a kid, not being a communist was just like, not wanted the sky to turn purple.  Just an obvious thing no one wanted, but alas, the old get older and the young never hear about any of the bad shit and are duped into thinking good shit so…this little fart in the wind of a post is my part in keeping communism at bay and asking you youngsters to read some damn history books.

Thank you.  Wow.  This could have been an Uncle Hardass column.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Will You Buy Bitcoin?

Bitcoin has shot up ridiculously in value.  Will you buy it?

I have no idea if you should or not so don’t ask me.  I’m just wondering what you think, 3.5 readers.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Mark Zuckerberg Wants Universal Income

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg gave the commencement speech at Harvard recently.  In the speech, he called for universal income, or in other words, everyone is guaranteed a living, no matter what, no questions asked.

“Every generation expands its definition of equality. Now it’s time for our generation to define a new social contract,” Zuckerberg said during his speech. “We should have a society that measures progress not by economic metrics like GDP but by how many of us have a role we find meaningful. We should explore ideas like universal basic income to make sure everyone has a cushion to try new ideas.”

Zuckerberg said that, because he knew he had a safety net if projects like Facebook had failed, he was confident enough to continue on without fear of failing. Others, he said, such as children who need to support households instead of poking away on computers learning how to code, don’t have the foundation Zuckerberg had. Universal basic income would provide that sort of cushion, Zuckerberg argued.

My complaints:

#1 – The Zuckster is selling himself short.  Sure, he has a point.  He came from a family that had money, not like gazillionaire money, but his father was a dentist, meaning that had the Zuckmeister fallen flat on his face in the early day of his Facebook venture, he could have moved back in with Mom and Dad until he found a way to turn things around.  Sure, he never had to worry about the possibility of ever being homeless.  However, he did take risks – risks that, had they not panned out, would have left his life significantly crappier.  After all, the kid had been accepted to Harvard and getting the chance to study at an Ivy League college is rare.  He would have definitely achieved success had he graduated from Harvard, but he took a gamble and left Harvard early to work on Facebook.  Had Facebook flopped, he’d of become that idiot sponging off his parents into his thirties, kicking himself for not finishing Harvard.

#2 – MotherZucker sells himself short again.  Yes, while growing up, he was able to focus on learning how to code because he came from a stable household where he didn’t have to worry about money or bad things happening.  However, there are many children in stable households who just spend their time on video games.  He pushed himself.  It paid off.

#3 – I have a hard time figuring out the difference between “Universal Income” and the myriad of state and federal welfare/public assistance programs we have now.  My understanding of Universal Income is that everyone gets a check.  Everyone.  Warren Buffet gets a check.  The guy giving handies in a bus station bathroom for pocket change gets a check.  I mean, I’m a pull yourself up by the boot straps guy, one who, if you complain to me of your failures, I’m most likely going to ask you to take a look at yourself and what you can change before we get into all the people around you that you are blaming.  That being said, it just seems wasteful to give money to people who are doing well.  The ultimate goal has to be to get everyone who can work a decent, satisfying job commensurate with their skill levels and then we, as a society, get together and fund public assistance programs for those unable to support themselves.  I don’t want someone who can’t work to end up in the gutter, but what would be the point of sending money to people who already have money?

#4 – Carrying on with point #3, if you split the difference and give assistance to those who need it and not to those who don’t need it, is that not what we are doing now?  Is this just about swapping the word “welfare” for a more PC word like “Universal Income?”

#5 – Zuck should put his money where his mouth is.  The kid is richer than Richie Rich on steroids and has been since his early freaking 20s.  An Internet search puts his wealth at 61.9 billion dollars.  In his speech, he lamented that it isn’t fair that people like him get to make so much money while others make so little.  Look, Zuckerberg, if you’re really crying yourself to sleep over this, the fix is simple:

  • Go out right now and cut checks literally millions of people.  You could provide life changing sums of money to people all across America and never really see much of a change in your daily lifestyle.
  • Don’t even go whole hog.  Pick 1,000 at risk youths and guarantee them $50,000 a year for the rest of their lives.  Commission a study how lifting them out of poverty helped to keep them on the straight path, out of the criminal justice system and so on.
  • Cash out your 61.9 billion, put the cash into a truck, pull up to a random homeless person on the street and give him the keys to the truck.

Until he does this, it just seems like petty virtue signaling.  “I want to say things that sound really nice so people will like me and use my dumb website to share photos of their lunch but I don’t actually want to take any actual action myself on it.”

And before you hit me with, “Zuckerberg donates a lot of money to charity” I’ll admit, yes, I’m sure he does.  But, if he’s really all that riddled with guilt about how much money he makes and how little others make, the fix is simple.  His company makes so much money that he could donate 60.9 billion dollars to the poor and keep one billion for himself and still be a billionaire.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Is Avocado Toast Keeping Millenials from Becoming Homeowners?

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Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

Australian millionaire Tim Gurner, himself a millennial, has been quoted in the media (this Time Magazine article, for example) as, and I’m paraphrasing here, that millennials aren’t becoming homeowners to the extend that previous generations did because they essentially spend their money on crap.  They go out to eat too much, they take too many expensive vacations to Europe, they buy too many lattes and too many pieces of avocado toast.

Personally, I’m aghast that I’m behind the times because I never knew that avocado toast was even a thing.

Regardless, those wacky millennials took to the Twittosphere (where, shameless plug, you can follow me @bookshelfbattle) to mock Gurner, cracking jokes along the lines of who knew that all their problems could be solved by cutting back on avocado toast.

Typical snarky millenials.  Argh, I just want to channel Uncle Hardass and shake my fist at them in an impotent manner while shouting, “Get off my lawn, hippies!”

Or, hipsters, as is the modern parlance.

I do understand the point millennials are making.  The economy took a big hit in 2008 but honestly, it’s been pretty stagnant since 2000.

Meanwhile, a college education has never been more expensive, yet a college degree has never been less relevant as more and more people have degrees and yet they are pitting themselves against each other for fewer and fewer jobs.

So yeah.  Add to that mix the fact that property values are high and yup…you can’t really blame people who are pissed that they’re living in Mom and Dad’s house well into adulthood for being told all their problems result from that piece of avocado toast…or a latte…or insert your favorite comforting thing you buy that you know you spend too much money on here.

On the other hand, I’m going to side with Gurner.  Life sucks.  You’ve got to make choices.  Save your money.  I’ve always advocated for saving money on this fine blog.  I know it’s hard.  I know times are tough.  I know there will be times like it seems impossible but if you can even save just one dollar out of every paycheck, it’ll grow in time.

OK, you probably have to save more than one dollar.  Save a lot of dollars when you can and save just one when you can’t.

Ultimately, if you’re taking multiple vacations to Europe and throwing your money away on useless gadgets and stuff, then you’re choosing a certain lifestyle.  You have decided to live in the now, the present, to enjoy today.

You have decided to live while the living is good and see the world and do and see and experience awesome things when you are young.

You’re also selling your future old self out because your old self may not have a house to live in when you’re older but you know, your old self will also have nice memories of a fun youth so…it’s up to you.

I can’t really knock anyone for picking that lifestyle.  I’ve had old relatives who worked their entire lives and never went anywhere or did anything and never treated themselves to something extravagant.  They planned to do it in retirement then croaked before retirement came.

So there’s definitely an argument for living in the now and spending it all in the now.

But there’s also an argument for saving that moolah so you can own your own piece of land, a piece of property where you can hang your hat and not get nagged by Mom and Dad about what you’re doing well into adulthood.  And honestly, that’s good for the soul too.

I do agree that in many ways, our political and economic leaders have screwed the big time pooch for awhile now.  The “pay big money for college and college will get you a job that pays big money to you” pyramid scheme is bust.  Less jobs.  Less opportunity.  Less money.  People are less happy.

So it’s up to you what to do with your pennies.  Spend them now and enjoy it now.  Save them now and that will lead to something good later.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – My Money Problems Suck

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I think it totally sucks when people suck.

Perhaps you’ve read one of my many fine anti-suck books:

There’s Got to Be a Suck-less Morning After

Once Around the Riverbend of Non-Suckdom

Sucks to Be You, But It Doesn’t Have To

Helpful Hints for Suckers

Un-Suck Your Life in One Year or Less

Step Up and Stop Sucking

Does It Suck in Here or Is It Just You?

Glad you 3.5 suckers are back, still joining me in this long, arduous journey to a suck-free lifestyle.  You know, they say that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither will your suck-free life.  So if it feels like your suck-free life is taking too long, then just pretend you’re a Roman…but not just any Roman – a sucky Roman.

Today’s suck related question comes from a big old sucker with sucky money problems:

Dear Vinny B,

I sure do suck with money!  Every penny I earn is already spent before I make it.  I can’t help it.  I have all sorts of money sucking addictions.  Gambling.  Shopping.  Oh, and I have three ex-wives who suck any leftover money I have right out of my wallet.

The bank’s about to foreclose on my house.  My car’s been repossessed.  I don’t think I’ll ever retire.

Is there anyway for me to climb down this mountain of suck?

– A Guy Who Sucks at Money from Brooklyn

Wow, Brooklyn Sucker.  Your life sounds like it sucks the big one for sure.  And you’re right.  You’ve climbed up a big mountain of suck.  It’s so big you might as well call it Mount Suckeverest.

But I’m pleased to say that with most sucky problems in life, there is a suck-less solution to a big time sucky problem.

To put it bluntly – stop sucking at money!  (FYI you can buy my new thirty part book series, “Stop Sucking at Money” for just seven hundred dollars each.  A real bargain if you ask me.  Check your local non-sucking book store for more info).

Let me go through the typical things that suckers do to suck up their finances:

Gambling

Gambling sucks.  Some people can go to a casino, have a drink, have a laugh, lose a little money on the slots and that’s it.  Others convince themselves that they’re just one lucky hand away from easy street and so they they throw their money away.  And then, just when they’re down to their last couple of bucks, they throw that away too.

This is a situation that sucks.  If you can’t control yourself in a casino, then please, make a pledge to never step inside one.

In fact, stay away from all forms of gambling.  Lucky scratchers.  Lottery tickets.  High stakes games of paper, rock scissors.  If it’s a game that involves betting, you need to stay out of it or else your life will always suck.

Shopping

Sure, we all need stuff.  And yes, occasionally it’s nice to even splurge a little.

But, if you are constantly buying junk you don’t need then you’re going to rack up some pretty high credit card bills.

Exercise some willpower.  New shoes?  Your old ones are just fine.  New underwear?  Underpants with holes in them never hurt anyone.  Easier access if you ask me.

New gadget or gizmo?  It’ll either break or be rendered obsolete by a newer version by the time you bring it home from the store.

Make a budget.  Stick to it.

Cut Up Your Credit Cards

Let’s face it.  Bankers suck.  However, one thing they don’t suck at is sucking up your money.  If you’re running up high credit card bills, then sit back and watch as your interest charges pile up.

Many suckers look at credit cards as free money.  That’s because these suckers suck when it comes to thinking about the future.

Don’t work for the bank.  Work for yourself.  If you can’t afford to buy it with cash, then you don’t need it.

Save

Brooklyn Sucker, it sounds like your finances really suck, so I doubt you’ll ever get out from under this suck cloud anytime soon.  But, once you do, make a vow to never suck up your money like this ever again.

Start not sucking at saving money.  Whether it’s a hundred, ten, or a single dollar, make a contribution to a high interest savings account every week.  Over time, it all adds up.  Hell, maybe after awhile, you might do some modest, reasonable investing by looking into some decent suck-free mutual funds.  Don’t get too crazy.  Sometimes suckers are known to get carried away and gamble with the stock market like they do at a casino.

The bottom line is that non-suckers make their money work for them.  Money begets money and more money begets a less sucky lifestyle.

Suck-Less Conclusion

The road ahead of you is long and full of suck, Brooklyn Sucker.  The sooner you buckle down and stop sucking, the sooner you’ll end up in the highly coveted Valley of Non-Suckitude.

By the way, you can get my new book, “The Valley of Non-Suckitude” at a book store near you that doesn’t suck, for the low, low price of $999.99.  It includes a book on beta max and a signed photo of yours truly.  I mean, you have sucky money problems, Brooklyn Sucker, so whenever you hear of a low, low, ridiculously low price on a book that will totally change your life, then you really should take advantage of it.

 

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My Snapchat Stock Went Up and Now I’m a Genius

Hey 3.5 readers.  My Snapchat stock went down two seconds after I bought it so I assumed I was an idiot.  Then the next day it went up a little bit so now I’m a genius again.

I must admit I have concerns about the company’s long term prospects.  I really feel like they’ve got to branch out beyond the funny camera filters if they’re going to maintain such an enormous valuation.

Anyway, as a 0.000000000000000000000000001% owner of this fine company, allow me to ask you to check out the wonderful Snapchat app.  You can make yourself look like a puppy or a kitty and you can send inappropriate photos of yourself doing inappropriate things to unsavory characters and the photos just go poof, though apparently sneaky people can find a way around that so it’s not entirely foolproof but hey, if you can find a better app that can allow you to send inappropriate photos, then use it.

Wait.  Don’t use it.  Use Snapchat and make my stock go up.  Forget about sending inappropriate photos.  It’s a bad idea.  Just use the puppy and kitty filters instead.  You’ve always wanted to be a puppy.  Now you can.

Come on.  Make me rich, people.

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I Have Already Lost Money on the Snapchat IPO Because I Am an Idiot

Hey 3.5 readers.

So, if you’re an older reader like me, you might need a rundown on what Snapchat is.

Snapchat was born out of the idea that millennials are total perverts who enjoy taking snaps of their private parts and sending them to their various love interests.  However, as we all know, love today can turn into hate tomorrow and not all relationships are meant to last forever.  Ergo, people thought, “Hey, wouldn’t be great if I could snap a photo of my naughty parts, send them to my love interest and then after a little bit the photo disappears so that today’s naughty photo doesn’t get turned into tomorrow’s hilarious Internet meme, thus ruining my chances of running for president?”

I mean, I don’t know Snapchat exactly asked that question but at any rate, they sort of cured that problem.  You can snap a photo or a video, send it to a friend, then after awhile the photo or video disappears.  In theory, it prevents that video you thought was a good idea when you were drunk at 3 am from going public, although it isn’t foolproof.  There are ways around it.  Your sneaky snap buddy could take a photo of  your naughty photo, for example.

At any rate, Snapchat grew strong and got popular with the younguns.  They created filters that can make you look like a puppy, a kitty, for awhile they dabbled in filters that made you look like you’re from a different race only to get smacked down hard because you can’t do shit like that, and yes, they created those damn flower crowns that literally every woman, even your grandma, uses for their profile picture now.

My gut told me not to buy.  The experts also seem to agree that it’s not the best idea.  The company has been valued at some astronomical figure, even higher than Facebook, yet I fear that might be all hype related and not reality related.

Had you bought Facebook stock early, you’d of been happy with your decision.  As for Twitter, not so much as of late.  Facebook has gone strong and everyone and their granny is on Facebook.  Facebook basically became a new form of communication and information dispersement.

Twitter, on the other hand, became a repository of geeks like myself trying to tweet their way to fame and infamy, but ultimately it just descends into dummies writing dumb things limited to 140 characters.

As for Snapchat, I’m not sure I see an ability to generate the kind of wealth necessary to maintain a high valuation.

First, the primary users are young people…who have no money.  Thus, if you make that stupid flower crown filter cost money, they won’t buy it.  Maybe a few will dupe their dumb parents into buying it but for the most part, no.  Only a select handful of dummies will spend a lot of money on photo filters.

3.5 READERS:BQB you asshole, do you think anyone is going to spend a lot of money on Toilet Gator either?

Probably not.  Thanks, 3.5 readers.  I needed that tough love.

Second, I don’t see a lot of social media value.  You’ve heard of people becoming stars on Facebook and Twitter but has there been a Snapchat star yet?  Has anyone Snapchatted their way to fame and glory?  I’ve seen authors sign up for it but I feel like this only works for famous people.  If a famous person is sending out videos, then you might sign up if you are a fan.  Otherwise, I just don’t see it.

Plus, Facebook has come out with Facebook Live, which I assume was an effort to head Snapchat off at the pass.  So, if you’re an author with a good Facebook following, you could livestream a video of yourself talking about your latest book.  Meanwhile, if you’re not that well know, I guess you could snap videos of yourself out into the wind but I don’t think many people will partake.  Maybe if you’re Stephen King or something.

Third, I don’t see a lot of advertising value.  True,  Snapchat has been inventive.  They had a Gatorade filter for the Super Bowl where you could take a video of yourself and make it look like you just had Gatorade dumped on you, thereby making money off of a fun way to give Gatorade some unique advertising.

Other than that, I don’t know if the kids will sit still for actual ads.  If you have to sit through a thirty second commercial before you can snap yourself, that’ll probably last until a rival company comes out with a similar app where you don’t have to watch a commercial.

3.5 READERS: So why did you buy the stock, asshole?

Because I’m an asshole.

I hope I’m not.  So far it feels that way.  I bought it, and then the instant I bought it, it lost me $5.  Then twenty minutes later it lost me $25 dollars.  So, that could just be a fluctuation.  Hopefully, it gains tomorrow.

I don’t know.  Twitter’s stock fell.  Go Pro’s stock also fell, largely due to the fact that every dumbass who ever wanted to buy an athletic stunt camera bought one and as it turns out, assholes who want to jump out of planes and record their skydives are a select group.  So once you sell them all stunt cameras, you’re out of people who want to buy stunt cameras.

Thus, I wonder about Snapchat’s future.  Zuckerburg started raking in the coin by pushing his site on youngsters, but he became richer than most small nations by getting your mom and grandma to join, thus making bank on ad revenues.

So, I could be wrong, but the key will be to reach out to more old people and old people who want to make videos of themselves looking like puppies are a small, select group, or at least I hope they are.

Or maybe I hope they aren’t.  Hey, 3.5 readers.  Did you hear there’s an app that can make your face look like a dog?  Trust me.  I’ve pictured what you all look like and it would be a definite improvement.  Zing!  I kid, I kid.  You’re all beautiful.  But seriously.  Get Snapchat, pour some virtual Gatorade on your head, get a virtual flower crown because you’re too lazy to just pick some flowers and make one, just use that Snapchat so my stock will go up high enough that I can put a Bookshelf Q. Hot Tub in Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters.

 

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How to Get Rich Quick

Hey 3.5 readers.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here.

People always ask me, “BQB, is there a way to get rich quick?”

I’m not sure why people ask me this.  I have holes in my underpants, for crying out loud, do I look like John D. Rockefeller or something?

Hard work.  Patience.  Sticking to your goals.  These are, in general, the often cited and well respected ways to get rich over a long, long period of time…usually such a long time that by the time you get your hands on that money you’re too old to enjoy it and you end up croaking and leaving it to your spoiled children who, let’s face it, won’t appreciate it.

But, ok.  I get it.  You want money now.  NOW!

So, I’ll level with you.  There is a way to get your hands on big time money at a young age, for doing very little work.  Zero risk.  Ultimate reward.

I’ll share this secret with you now, 3.5 readers.

If you want to learn how to get rich quick, click here.

 

 

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