Tag Archives: self help

Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Can a Non-Sucker Date a Sucker and Not Suck?

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and if the world is a suck pony, then I’m riding it to the nearest non-suck stable.

Perhaps you’ve read one of my many fine self-help books, guaranteed to help you defeat your suckitude:

This Suck Ends Now!

Suck It, Suckers!

The Non-Suck Mindset

#StopSucking

Suck Your Last Suck

The Last Sucki

Suck Street Blues

You Don’t Suck as Much as You Think

Hate the Suck.  Love the Sucker.

I’ve helped kings and queens, paupers and poets alike, drop their sucky habits and now I’m here on BQB’s blog to teach you 3.5 suckers how to mend your sucky ways.

Here’s the latest missive from a reader in need of my anti-suck advice:

Dear Vinny B.,

Thanks to all your books, I stopped sucking.  Believe.  I used to suck real bad.  I used to sleep all day, party all night, freebase cookie dough, and get in fights with department store Santas for being too fat.  After I woke up in Vegas having given my life savings to a hirsute prostitute named Edwina, I decided, no more.  I read all your books, completed your program and now I am a bona fide non-sucker.  I have the certificate from Vinny B’s Online College of Anti-Suck Studies to prove it.

It’s been years since I’ve sucked now.  My life doesn’t suck at all.  I’m rich.  Handsome.  Good looking.  In great shape.  The world is my oyster.

Unfortunately, I fell in love with a woman who sucks.  Like, really bad.  She seemed great at first, but after the initial honeymoon phase wore off, I got to know the real her, warts and all, and boy does she suck.

The sucky highlights:

  1.  Farts regularly.  Keeps a notebook where she ranks her farts on a 1-10 system based on length, depth and bass.
  2. Wears only sweaters featuring bedazzled kitty kats.
  3. Kicks homeless puppies for fun and sport.
  4. Projectile vomits on me three times a day.
  5. Writes Firefly fan fiction.
  6. Has attempted to sell me into the underground world of international sex slavery no less than 17 times.  You’d think after the first time I woke up in the all male harem of a wealthy Arab prince, I would have learned better, but fool me once, fool me a bunch more times.
  7. Eats all my cookies.  I was saving those.

My family says as a non-sucker, I can do so much better, but I love this sucky woman so much.  Can a sucker and a non-sucker ever find true love together?

Sincerely,

Confused in Chicago

Boy, Confused.  Your dilemma sure does suck.

But you know, it’s not uncommon amongst former suckers turned reformed non-suckers.

There’s two answers to your question.  Yes and no.  I know, that answer sucks, but let me explain.

On the one hand:

You used to suck.  Then you did the hard work to not suck.  You walked the long non-suck path.  You climbed the tall non-suck tower.  You sailed through the ocean of suck to the land of non-suck on the other side.

You don’t suck anymore.  And that’s the best.  Non-suckers who earn their non-suck have the sweetest non-suck because they appreciate it more, having conquered the non-suck journey.

After all that work, you deserve someone who does not suck.  And statistics show that the couple who doesn’t suck together, will stay together.

You don’t suck and you need a non-sucker to reinforce your non-sucky habits.

Non-sucker couples spend their days exercising.  Going to yoga classes.  Drinking tasty, nutritious fruit juices.  Shopping for window treatments and entertaining the elderly with their own ukulele covers of popular songs.

Meanwhile, sucky couples sell their butts for cocaine, watch reality television all day, kick the elderly and steal their social security checks and overall, they smell very bad.

Is it possible for a sucker to love a non-sucker?  Sure.  You know why you do?  Empathy.  You used to suck.  You will always remember how it felt to suck.  Ergo, you feel bad for the suckers of the world.

However, no one ever said that not sucking is easy.  Therefore, you have to abandon the sucky before they suck you down into their world of suck and turn you back into the sucker you worked so hard to stop being.

Is it possible for a sucker and a non sucker to sustain a long lasting love?  Sure.  Practical?  No.  When you want to run a marathon, she’ll want to set ants on fire with a magnifying glass.  When you want to write a sonnet, she will want to knock over a liqour store.  When you want to paint a painting, she’ll want to burp stirring renditions of show tunes.

If it works, you’d have to be the rare couple who compartamentilizes their relationship.  When she wants to suck, she’ll have to go somewhere and suck on her own.  When you want to not-suck, you’ll have to not suck on your own.  Can she come and sit back and cheer you on while you don’t suck?  Maybe.  But it would take the rare sucker who wouldn’t be jealous of your non-sucky ways.

I don’t think it’s possible and my advice would be to tell this sucker to go on her own non-suck journey.  Maybe buy her all of my anti-suck books, available wherever books that don’t suck are sold.  You never know.  Losing you might be the catalyst she needs to walk over the coals of suck fire to reach the promised land of non-suck.

Whatever you do, don’t let her drag you back to the world of suck.  Suck is something you only escape once and the more you get pulled back into it, the less likely it becomes to escape it again.

Thanks for the letter, Confused.  Until next time, this is Vinny B saying good luck, and don’t suck.

 

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Taking Your Not Sucking Journey One Suck Free Day at a Time

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m sucking the suck out of the world so you don’t have to.

Perhaps you recognize me from one of my many fine books which describe in detail how you no longer have to suck:

How Now, Brown Suck Cow

John Livingston Suckgall

De-suck You, De-suck Me, De-suck it Together, Naturally

Stop the Suck World, I Want to Get Off!

When a Problem Comes Along, You Must Un-Suck It

How to Win Friends and Avoid Sucky People

I’m Mad as Hell and I Don’t Have to Suck Anymore!

Today’s question comes from a big ole suckface in Pismo Beach, Florida.  Wow, it’s so nice and sunny, you’d have to be a big super sized sucker to suck in a place like that.

Dear Vinny B,

I’ve sucked so hard and for so long that I don’t even remember where all the suck began and I’m not sure how to even find a way for the suck end.  Sometimes, when I think about all the things I have to do to not suck, I feel so overwhelmed that I begin to engage in sucky behaviors, like smoking crack, banging discount prostitutes with STD laden, gangrenous vaginas and eating Tide pods.  So many Tide pods.  Sometimes I just sit down in front of the TV and eat a whole bucket of those things.  I’ve died seven times already and the doctors tell me they doubt they can bring me back again and I should stop eating Tide pods but I can’t help it because I suck so much.

How can I stop sucking today so I will not suck tomorrow?

Sincerely,

Pismo Sucker

My word, Pismo Sucker.  Your life sure does suck.  Don’t worry though.  I’m here to help you un-suck it.

Here’s the deal.  Your life didn’t suck itself up overnight.  I’m sure it took many, many years worth of steadily, increasingly suckier activities until you became the great big sucker that you are today.

Maybe at one point you were great – young, vibrant, healthy, good job, you were going somewhere.  Then, you started to suck a little.  Maybe you stopped shaving everyday.  Maybe you stopped caring about your appearance.  Maybe you didn’t keep your desk, office, car, or home or anywhere else clean.

Maybe you started with an extra drink.  Then two.  Then five.  Then twelve.  Then came the crack, the smack, the horse tranquilizer and then the Tide pods.  Boy, people have really been sucking themselves up with Tide pods lately.  Don’t eat them, people.  They suck and they’ll kill you and that would suck.

Slowly but surely you took a new, sucky step down the ladder of suck into the great sewer hole of suck-dom.  Now you’re down there in the suck sewer, covered in so much suck muck you don’t know how you’ll ever get to the suck free top again.

Simple.  Just as you plunged into suckitude one step at a time, so too will you step up into a suck free life, one step at a time.

Today you’ll start shaving.  Tomorrow, you’ll start dressing better.  The day after date, you’ll cut down on the booze.  As time goes on you’ll cut out all the substances (though the Tide pods must be cut instantly.)

Seek counseling and a support group and therapy and treatment for your various addictions.  There are many professionals who are quite adept at curing sucky problems like yours.

Rome wasn’t built in a day and your sucky life won’t be unsucked in a day, or a week, a month or even a year.  Take each day is it comes.  Find as much suck-free enjoyment as you can whilst still trapped in your suckitude.  Slowly but surely, make incremental and positive changes that build up your suck free life and build up your immunity to suckyness.

Think of all the years you wasted wallowing your suck.  Think how quickly those years went by, how happy you’d be if you’d stepped onto the slow but sure path onto a suck free journey years ago.

If you try to de-suck all of your suck instantly, it’ll be too much – a Herculean task for even the most advanced non-sucker.  De-suck little by little, taking baby steps towards an overall end game of a suck free life.

You’ll get there, my friend, but you didn’t dick this suck hole overnight, and you aren’t going to fill it up with suck-free dirt overnight either.

I know it can be hard to sit there and think how far away a suck free life is, how much needs to be done before your life won’t suck anymore that it seems so surreal that your life could do anything but suck, but trust me, a suck free life is not a fairy tale.  If you believe you won’t suck, then you will achieve a life that doesn’t suck.

Good luck, don’t suck, and FYI, my new book, “Good Luck, Don’t Suck” is now available at a book store near you that doesn’t suck.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – I May Have Screwed Up My Life

You know 3.5 readers, the one thing I realize as I get older is I regret not doing a lot of shit – shit I didn’t do when I was younger and now if I do it when I’m older, it just seems lame, like giving a participation ribbon to the kid who finished the race five hours after everyone else went home.

Is it possible to pack in a lot of stuff to overcome a regrettable life or is it too late and time to wallow in self-pity and remorse?

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The Real McCoy – Do What You Were Meant to Do…NOW!

By:  Leo McCoy, The Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek

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Hello 3.5 readers.

Leo “The Real” McCoy here, back once more to bring this pitiful blog some much needed pizzazz, ambience, and an overall joie de vivre.  That’s some classy French talk I heard some fancy lady say once.  Impressed?  Yeah, I thought so.

Look at you people, going to your jobs, saving your pennies, day dreaming about your goals and aspirations.  You know what I call you people?  Slackers!  Utter failures!  Losers!

Sorry, but someone had to say it and we all know Bookshelf Q. Battler wasn’t going to.  “Oh I’m BQB and I love my 3.5 readers!”  Bleh.  Gag me with a slightly moist argyle sock worn a regular basis by an eighty-nine year old man.

You know I think you’re all chumps?  Because you should have accomplished your life’s work by now.  Stop working towards something and just do that something already.  The earlier the better.

Seriously.  Who knows for sure how much time we have?  You’ve got to treat every day like it’s your last and that means you have to achieve what you have been dreaming of TODAY. Not tomorrow.  Not next week.  Not next year.  TODAY!

Once you achieve what you’re after, you’ll be living on easy street.  Doesn’t matter how poor you are, how downtrodden you are, how crappy your life becomes.  You can hold your head up high and be happy because you did what you needed to do.  You achieved your life’s purpose and so you can now coast for the rest of your life.

But I get it.  Not everyone can be as lucky as me, Leo “The Real McCoy.  Not everyone gets the opportunity, at age 19, to deliver a reuben sandwich, a bag of barbecue chips and a bottle of Dr. Pepper to their idol, one Mr. James Van Der Beek, star of the late 1990s WB hit sensation, Dawson’s Creek.

The Beek on the Creek.  Wow.  I remember that day like it was yesterday.  “Sir, here’s your order and might I say that when I look at you, it’s like I’m staring at the visage of a Greek god who was cast out of Mount Olympus and forced to mingle with us mere mortals for a time.”

His reply?  “Thank you.  Keep the change and go away please.”

Yes.  Go away, I did.  And at that young age, my life was complete.  I didn’t need to go to college, or become a doctor or a lawyer or get married or have kids or get a real job or quote unquote, “do something meaningful and productive with my life.”

Why?  Because before I reached age 20, I did what God intended me to do.  God put me on this planet to make sure that James Van Der Beek would not go hungry or thirsty on one day in particular so he could concentrate on entertaining the viewers of the Creek.

Twenty years later, I’m proud to say I did what you wanted me to do God.  I did all that you intended for me to do.  I’m so proud of myself for doing it.  In fact God, I’d love it if you could let me stay alive and well on this planet for at least another sixty some odd years or so, just so I can inspire others to reach their full potential and do what you put them here to do by regaling them with my inspiration tale of how I delivered James Van Der Beek his lunch.

What’s your sandwich, 3.5 readers?  Who is your James Van Der Beek?  What are you supposed to do?  Figure out why God put you here.  Determine what God was thinking when he put you here.  When he put me here, he said, “I need Leo ‘The Real’ McCoy to exist so that one day James Van Der Beek will not be hungry or parched.”  That’s what God say when he made me.

What did God say when he made you?  You don’t want to disappoint God, 3.5 readers.  When you get to the pearly gates and God asks, “Hey, did you do that thing you were supposed to do?”  You don’t want to throw God all kinds of lame excuses.  You don’t want to be all like, “No, sorry God, I was too busy playing Madden football on my X-Station or whatever it’s called.”

“Sorry God.  I didn’t reach my full potential because I was too busy feeding my cat, brushing my hair, eating tacos, braiding my toe hair, washing my testicles with a scrub brush, sleeping in late because my alarm broke and oh yeah I just didn’t give a shit because I was filled with massive amounts of ennui despite the wonderful, miraculous gift of life you gave me so uh, yeah I’ll just be in the corner now and you’ll have to make another person to do the shit that I was supposed to do.  Thanks.”

That was my impression of you.  That’s what you’ll sound like if you don’t get up off your butt and do what you’re supposed to do.

Think I’m worried about meeting God?  No.  When I meet him I can say, “No sweet, G-man.  Remember way back in 1998 when James Van Der Beek was hungry and thirsty?  I had it covered so uh, let me into heaven, man.  I want to check the scene, maybe tip back a few cold ones with Abraham Lincoln and snort some lines off of Marilyn Monroe’s knockers.”

Well.  Maybe I won’t mention that last part.  I mean, it’s Heaven so technically you ought to get to do what you want but, I’m pretty sure Heaven Marilyn is clean and sober now.

In conclusion, stop wasting time!  Go do what you were meant to do right now…like, RIGHT FREAKING NOW!

You’ll be so glad once you get it done because as soon as you do whatever it is, then you can just totally flog the monkey and watch cartoons and drink brewskis and eat nacho cheese chips for like the next 50-60 years.  Totally sweet.

Good luck doing what you are supposed to do, 3.5 readers and oh, if you see BQB, give him a kick in the old stink berries for me, Leo “The Real” McCoy.

You’re welcome for this amazing advice that you clearly do not deserve.

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – My Money Problems Suck

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I think it totally sucks when people suck.

Perhaps you’ve read one of my many fine anti-suck books:

There’s Got to Be a Suck-less Morning After

Once Around the Riverbend of Non-Suckdom

Sucks to Be You, But It Doesn’t Have To

Helpful Hints for Suckers

Un-Suck Your Life in One Year or Less

Step Up and Stop Sucking

Does It Suck in Here or Is It Just You?

Glad you 3.5 suckers are back, still joining me in this long, arduous journey to a suck-free lifestyle.  You know, they say that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither will your suck-free life.  So if it feels like your suck-free life is taking too long, then just pretend you’re a Roman…but not just any Roman – a sucky Roman.

Today’s suck related question comes from a big old sucker with sucky money problems:

Dear Vinny B,

I sure do suck with money!  Every penny I earn is already spent before I make it.  I can’t help it.  I have all sorts of money sucking addictions.  Gambling.  Shopping.  Oh, and I have three ex-wives who suck any leftover money I have right out of my wallet.

The bank’s about to foreclose on my house.  My car’s been repossessed.  I don’t think I’ll ever retire.

Is there anyway for me to climb down this mountain of suck?

– A Guy Who Sucks at Money from Brooklyn

Wow, Brooklyn Sucker.  Your life sounds like it sucks the big one for sure.  And you’re right.  You’ve climbed up a big mountain of suck.  It’s so big you might as well call it Mount Suckeverest.

But I’m pleased to say that with most sucky problems in life, there is a suck-less solution to a big time sucky problem.

To put it bluntly – stop sucking at money!  (FYI you can buy my new thirty part book series, “Stop Sucking at Money” for just seven hundred dollars each.  A real bargain if you ask me.  Check your local non-sucking book store for more info).

Let me go through the typical things that suckers do to suck up their finances:

Gambling

Gambling sucks.  Some people can go to a casino, have a drink, have a laugh, lose a little money on the slots and that’s it.  Others convince themselves that they’re just one lucky hand away from easy street and so they they throw their money away.  And then, just when they’re down to their last couple of bucks, they throw that away too.

This is a situation that sucks.  If you can’t control yourself in a casino, then please, make a pledge to never step inside one.

In fact, stay away from all forms of gambling.  Lucky scratchers.  Lottery tickets.  High stakes games of paper, rock scissors.  If it’s a game that involves betting, you need to stay out of it or else your life will always suck.

Shopping

Sure, we all need stuff.  And yes, occasionally it’s nice to even splurge a little.

But, if you are constantly buying junk you don’t need then you’re going to rack up some pretty high credit card bills.

Exercise some willpower.  New shoes?  Your old ones are just fine.  New underwear?  Underpants with holes in them never hurt anyone.  Easier access if you ask me.

New gadget or gizmo?  It’ll either break or be rendered obsolete by a newer version by the time you bring it home from the store.

Make a budget.  Stick to it.

Cut Up Your Credit Cards

Let’s face it.  Bankers suck.  However, one thing they don’t suck at is sucking up your money.  If you’re running up high credit card bills, then sit back and watch as your interest charges pile up.

Many suckers look at credit cards as free money.  That’s because these suckers suck when it comes to thinking about the future.

Don’t work for the bank.  Work for yourself.  If you can’t afford to buy it with cash, then you don’t need it.

Save

Brooklyn Sucker, it sounds like your finances really suck, so I doubt you’ll ever get out from under this suck cloud anytime soon.  But, once you do, make a vow to never suck up your money like this ever again.

Start not sucking at saving money.  Whether it’s a hundred, ten, or a single dollar, make a contribution to a high interest savings account every week.  Over time, it all adds up.  Hell, maybe after awhile, you might do some modest, reasonable investing by looking into some decent suck-free mutual funds.  Don’t get too crazy.  Sometimes suckers are known to get carried away and gamble with the stock market like they do at a casino.

The bottom line is that non-suckers make their money work for them.  Money begets money and more money begets a less sucky lifestyle.

Suck-Less Conclusion

The road ahead of you is long and full of suck, Brooklyn Sucker.  The sooner you buckle down and stop sucking, the sooner you’ll end up in the highly coveted Valley of Non-Suckitude.

By the way, you can get my new book, “The Valley of Non-Suckitude” at a book store near you that doesn’t suck, for the low, low price of $999.99.  It includes a book on beta max and a signed photo of yours truly.  I mean, you have sucky money problems, Brooklyn Sucker, so whenever you hear of a low, low, ridiculously low price on a book that will totally change your life, then you really should take advantage of it.

 

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Rap Philosophy – All I Need is a Big Booty Ho

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The year?  2012.

The artist?  2 Chainz, a true revolutionary in that he made the world aware that he only needed two chains.  He was too important to have only one chain, yet not so tacky that he needed a hundred chains.  He just needed one more chain that the average man.

The song?  The Birthday Song.

The important lyrics:

When I die, bury me inside that Gucci store
When I die, bury me inside that Louis store
All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho
All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho.

Crude?  Certainly.  Crass?  Definitely.  Groundbreaking?  You bet.

Shakespeare?  Fakespeare.  Chaucer?  Schmaucer.  With these four lines, 2 Chainz proves to be one of the greatest bards of the English language.

3.5 READERS: But BQB!  He’s just talking about material possessions and women with big butts.

Yes…and no.

Death.  Ahh, the Grim Reaper eventually puts his icy hand on all over our shoulders.  And so, all that Mr. Chainz asks is that when he dies, he is buried in a high end fashion store (Gucci or Louis).

He considers himself high end, a man worthy of the respect that wealthy shoppers give to luxury clothing labels.  That’s how he wants to be remembered – as high end.

But he’s not dead yet.  In life, and for as long as air fills his lungs, the man wants what is most important to him, namely, women with loose morals and copious derrieres.  Big booty hoes make Mr. Chainz happy and he wishes to celebrate his birthday (the annual celebration of his life) by pursuing his great passion of fornicating with big booty hoes.

What the general public fails to realize is that getting the gift of a big booty ho on your birthday is a metaphor that could represent literally what is the most important pursuit in anyone’s life.  When you hear Mr. Chainz say, “All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho” you should hear, “All I want for my birthday is to pursue the most important activity in my life.”

3.5 readers, what is your big booty ho?  For 2 Chainz, his big booty ho actually was a big booty ho.

For me, my big booty ho is writing.  All I want for my birthday is a seven figure book publishing deal.  Although, to be honest, I wouldn’t turn down a big booty ho either.

What’s your big booty ho?  Is it music?  Art? Sports?  Photography?  Hiking? Tennis? Basketball?  Needlepoint? Cooking?  Fancy dining?  Travel?

Maybe the big booty ho isn’t an activity but a dream.  A goal.  2 Chainz’s goal is to get down with a big booty ho.  Maybe you dream of becoming an Olympic athlete, or a broadway star, or the next start up company billionaire.  Whatever it is, you must pursue and grab hold of the gigantic butt cheeks of your big booty ho before it is too late and you are left all alone, with nary a big booty ho in sight.

Whatever your personal big booty ho is, I hope you pursue it.  And if you ever lose sight of your big booty ho, I hope that you will remember to keep chasing that big booty ho on your birthday.  Birthdays are fun days to celebrate our life, but they also keep us humble and remind us that that clock is ticking, and there’s one less year to chase that big booty ho that is eluding us.

Tell me about your big booty ho in the comments, 3.5 readers.

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Coping with Sucky Regrets

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and when it comes to karate chopping suckyness, I’m a black belt.  Perhaps you have read one of my fine anti-suck books:

Who Needs to Suck When You Don’t Have To?

I Can’t Stand This Sucky Feeling

Suck Ways to Saturday

The Suckback of Notre Dame

Suck Out the Suck

Set the Suck Aside

Kiss My Suck and Call It Ice Cream

A Brief History of Sucky Times

All Aboard the Anti-Suck Train

Make America Not Suck Again

Build a Wall Around the Suck and Make the Suck Pay For It

Who Let the Suck Out?

3.5 suckers, I’ve been busy spreading my suck free message across the world, consulting with the rich, famous and powerful and teaching them how to not suck.  And when I’m not busy sucking the suck out of celebrities, I make plenty of time to help poor suckers come to grips with their sucking.

Why, just last week I held the “Tenth Annual Gala to Bring An End to All the Things that Make Poor People’s Lives Suck.”  It was a rousing success and I’m happy to report that I helped a grand total of 10,000 sucky poor people get started on the path to a suck free life.

But enough about me.  Here’s today’s question:

Dear Vinny B,

I’m getting older.  Forty is just around the corner and when I look back on my life, I realize that it really sucked.  Seriously.  It sucked so bad.  All the sucky things in life happened to me and none of the non-sucky things happened to me.

Even worse, I made decisions that sucked.  I didn’t realize at the time how I was sucking up my life.  It didn’t dawn on me until I was able to look back on all the sucky behavior in hindsight.

I regret my sucky past but now I face an even suckier dilemma.  Is it too late to stop sucking?  I feel like everyone judges me based on my sucky decisions.  I’ve woken up and smelled the non-suck, but try as I might, I’m trapped in a suck cycle.  I want to not suck but the weight of all my past sucks weighs me down.

Am I doomed to always suck?

Sincerely,

Once a Sucker, Always a Sucker

Wow.  Sorry to hear about all that suck, Sucker.  That really sucks.

Let’s face the sucky truth.  Life has a tendency to suck.  Even worse, when we are young, we are trained to think that it won’t suck.  All the adults tells us positive things and treat us like mush brained dummies when we are young.  It keeps young people from making plans to combat a sucky life.

So, you made some sucky decisions.  You did some sucky things and you had sucky things happen to you.  You can’t let suck define you.  You can’t let suck bog you down.

Yes, we all wish we could take the knowledge we have learned about how not to suck, travel back in time, and give it to our younger selves, only to then find ourselves in a suck free present.  Alas, the state of time travel technology really sucks, so we aren’t there yet.

Still, you are alive and you have time to not suck.  Sure, you don’t have as much time as you wish you had to not suck, but there’s still time to not suck.  Only a sucker doesn’t use all of his time to not suck, no matter how much or how little time is left.  Be your least sucky self, always and no matter what.

You regret how much your past forty years sucked?  That sucks.  Don’t get to sixty and regret not taking steps in the past twenty years to not suck.  You had an excuse to suck when you were young.  You were young and you didn’t know any better.

Now you are older and wiser.  You’ve been knocked around by the sucky world.  You know the ins and outs of suck-dom.  You know how to curtail your sucky behaviors.  You know the suckyness that happens if you don’t.  Sorry pal, but you’re all out of excuses to keep sucking, so grab that anti-suck bull by the horns and ride it for the rest of your life.

“Regrets, I’ve had a few,” Frank Sinatra used to sing.  So, you have a few, or even a lot.  It’s time to wipe the suck slate.

You can’t change your sucky past, but the story of your future has yet to be written.  Will you write it with a sucky pen or will you vow to put an end to all your sucky ways for good?

The choice is yours, Sucker.  Choose to not suck, always and no matter what.  It’s never to late to not suck.

By the way, you can buy my new anti-suck book, It’s Never Too Late to Not Suck at a book store near you that doesn’t suck.

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – The Power of Positive Sucking

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m an anti-suck robot sent from the future to teach you present day suckers how to not suck anymore.

Perhaps you’ve read one of my fine anti-suck books:

Six Sigma Certified Non-Sucking

Raise Your Hand if You Don’t Want to Suck

Hug it Out, Suck it Out

De-Suck Your Way to Greatness

The Good, the Bad and the Sucky

Get this Suck Out of My Life (and Into My Car)

The Art of the Non-Sucking Deal

A Million Little Suck Pieces

Sucks to Be You

Suck No More

Suck or Suck-cess?

3.5 readers, today’s question comes from Larissa Smatchencraft from East Buttfork, Wisconsin:

Dear Vinny,

I am a huge fan of your anti-suck books.  I have attended all of your seminars and worked through all of your anti-suck lessons.  I want you to know you have helped me to stop sucking at my job, my marriage and in so many other aspects of my daily life.

I have a question though.  Is it ok to suck at certain things?  For example, the other day I was walking down the street and I found a wallet just lying there on the sidewalk.  It contained a hundred dollars in cash, but the idea to take it for myself never even crossed my mind.  Instead, I used the ID inside to track down the wallet’s rightful owner.  He was pleased as this was the only money he had and he needed it to purchase his prescription strength anti-anal wart flare up cream.

As I walked home, I was pleased with myself for having done a good deed.  Then it dawned on me: “I suck at dishonesty.”

You’ve always taught me that I should not suck in all things and yet, it seems like dishonesty is something I should suck at.

The question blows my mind but I’ll go ahead and ask it anyway…is it possible that not sucking at certain bad behaviors is a good thing?

Congratulations, Larissa.  The student has finally become the master.

Make no mistake about it:  the general rule is that it sucks to suck.  It sucks so much to suck that I have dedicated my life to helping suckers all over the globe in their efforts to suck the suck right out of their sucky suck bag lives.

Most of the time, my clients come to me in extremely dire, sucky straights.  They are lonely, poor, addicted to a variety of unsavory behaviors and more often than not, huffing anything from soiled ladies’ undergarments to model airplane glue.  I actually had a client who would dip the ladies’ undergarments into the model airplane glue, but that’s a terrible tale for another day.

The point is that I usually try not to bog down the sucky minds of big fat suckers with confusing concepts.  When you suck so much that you can’t even tie your shoes without sucking it up, you can’t handle the more complex lessons found in my advanced courses of anti-suck studies.

What I am about to tell you is such a giant piece of vital, crucial information that frankly, I should charge you for it.  But I won’t.  Because I don’t suck.  And I don’t want you to suck so you must have this knowledge.

Here we go:

Sometimes it is good to suck at something.

I know.  Sounds like blasphemy, right?

But follow me on this.

THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT SUCK AT:

  • Your job.
  • Your marriage.
  • Maintaining your health.
  • Raising your children.
  • Financial stability.
  • Maturity.
  • Responsibility.

Makes sense right?  There are so many good things in this life that you should not suck at.

Then again, and here’s where we swallow the red pill and follow Alice down the rabbit hole so hang on, there are many things that you SHOULD totally suck at if you want to be a decent, well-adjusted, happy and productive non-sucking citizen:

THINGS YOU SHOULD TOTALLY SUCK AT:

  • Dishonesty
  • Deception
  • Adultery
  • Alcoholism
  • Racism
  • Hate
  • Theft
  • Murder
  • Kidnapping
  • Arson
  • Selling Your Spouse to a Sex Slavery Ring Run by Foreign Businessmen/Perverts
  • Addiction
  • Gambling
  • Selling Your Body to Pay Off Your Gambling Debts
  • …and so much more!

Think about that time when you found the wallet, Larissa.  You’ve followed my anti-suck lessons and turned your life from sucking to non-sucking.  You didn’t want to suck it up by doing something that sucks, like stealing money from a stranger who needs it for his anti-anal wart flare up medication.

You were confused, so listened to your gut – a gut you have trained through my many, many anti-suck lessons.  Though, in theory, you have learned that in most cases, you should NOT suck at something, you realized in this case, it would, indeed, suck to be good at something…dishonesty!

In my advanced courses, the ones I reserve for only the creme de la creme of folks who have utterly mastered all of my anti-suck lessons, I teach about “The Power of Positive Sucking.”

Sometimes referred to alternatively as, “Next Level Sucking,” this skill essentially means that you are able to figure out when you MUST suck at something in order to not suck at something.

I know.  You feel like getting out a flow chart and a slide rule, but trust me, the more you dabble in the world of the non-sucker, the easier this all becomes.

Sure, you could have not sucked at dishonesty.  You could have kept the cash, thereby sucking as a human being.  If anyone asked you where you got the money, you could have not sucked at lying and told them it’s yours, that you withdrew it from your bank account or what have you.

You would have not sucked at lying but by not sucking at lying you actually end up sucking at not sucking.  Only filthy degenerate suckers take something that does not belong to them and lie about it.  Non suckers suck at lying in order to not suck at life.  If you suck at dishonesty and theft, you’ll avoid going to jail, ruining your reputation, and ending up with a sucky suck ass life.

I know it is confusing but there so many instances in which you must suck in order to not suck.  For example:

YOU MUST SUCK AT RACISM:  I know.  This is hard.  You’ve spent thousands of dollars and hours on my books and seminars and you know that is time and money well spent.  I’ve etched into your brain the need for you to not suck at most aspects of life.  However, here you must suck at racism.  Sure, you could shout inappropriate names at those outside your ethnic group, but then you’d be sucking up your reputation.  You’d be making others feel like they suck and the suck that you put out into the world always returns back to you two fold.  Suck karma exists.

YOU MUST SUCK AT IMMATURITY:   You are an adult.  You must suck at staying up late.  You must suck at eating junk food.  You must suck at paying your bills late.  You must suck at procrastination.

YOU MUST SUCK AT INFIDELITY:  In the moment, it would feel not sucky at all to rip the clothes off of and go to town on someone other than your spouse.  You wouldn’t suck at adultery at all but by not sucking at cheating you, in fact, are sucking at marriage.

YOU MUST SUCK AT ADDICTION:  Sure, you could learn all the ins and outs of addiction the hard way and become the best addict ever, but if you did, you’d end up poor, downtrodden, unhealthy, alone and most likely, dead – all outcomes that suck.  So, when someone offers you drugs, be sure to suck at saying, “Yes.”

YOU MUST SUCK AT HATE, DEPRESSION, ANGER, SADNESS

If you don’t suck at these emotions, then you will never not suck at being happy and content.

CONCLUSIONS

3.5 readers, there are so many things you MUST suck at in order to not suck in life.  We’ve scratched the surface of these aspects today, and if you are a beginner to my anti-suck lessons, then do try to put the Power of Positive Sucking out of your mind for now and once you have learned to not suck at tying your shoes and putting your pants on, we’ll be able to discuss the more complicated concepts, i.e., the things you must suck at.

Thank you for stopping by.  In fact, you might say you sucked at ignoring your favorite blog, which, if you think about it, is an example of positive sucking.

Don’t forget to suck at not checking out my anti-suck books, available at a book store that does not suck near you.

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Desuck Your 2017

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m going to stick a straw into the world and suck all the suck right out of it until it sucks no more.

Perhaps you have read one of my many fine anti-suck books:

The History of Not Sucking

1001 People Who Do Not Suck

Would You Suck for a Buck? (Not about prostitution).

Unsucking Humanity (Is about prostitution).

Suck Out the Suck

How Many Sucks Must a Man Desuck Before He Can Be Called a Non-Sucker?

Help! My Life Sucks!

The Suck on the Train

Once, Twice, Three Times a Sucker

A Sucky Day in Brooklyn

Pulp Suction

Sucking in Outer Space

The Wheel of Suck

Around, Around the Suck Goes.  Where Does It Stop?  Nobody Who Doesn’t Suck Knows

I Can’t Stop This Sucky Feeling

3.5 readers, did you suck last year?

Be honest.  You know you did.

You sucked at life.  You sucked in your relationships.  You sucked at home.  You sucked at work.

You would not, could not un-suck in a truck, you would not, could not, un-suck with a duck.

Face it.  The bad news is that you suck.

The good news is that sucking is not a permanent condition.  If you’ve come down with a bad case of the sucks, you are in luck, because this malady is curable.

What did you suck at?  Your health?  Stop sucking at exercise.  Stop sucking at abstaining from fatty foods.  Stop sucking at willpower.

Did you suck at your job?  Stop sucking at showing up on time.  Stop sucking at putting in the extra effort.  Stop sucking at communicating with your co-workers.

Did you suck in your relationship?  Stop sucking at being faithful to your significant other. Stop sucking at honesty.  Stop sucking at kindness.  Stop sucking at love.

2016 is in the suck can of history.  You can’t change it.  You can’t fix it.  If you sucked last year, your memories of last year will always suck.

But don’t make your past suckiness ruin your life.  You do not have to suck forever.  You can grab the suck bull by its sucky horns and ride it all day long until it tires out and it doesn’t feel like sucking up your life anymore.

Here’s my three step plan to suck the suck right out of 2017:

Step #1 – Admit That You Suck

You have to suck at denying that you suck.  Don’t hide your suck.  Pull your suck right out of yourself and hold it out for all the world to see, then yell, “I suck with the gale force wind of a thousand Hoover vacuums and I will not suck for one day longer!”

As long as you hide your suck, you can ignore your suck.  And ignored suck never goes away.  Confront that suck.

Step #2 – Develop a Plan to Not Suck

Do you suck at being thin?  Make a plan to stop sucking at stopping by the gym every day after work.

Do you suck at meeting new friends?  Make a plan to introduce yourself to one new person once a week and strike up a conversation that does not suck.

Do you suck at cleanliness?  Stop sucking at doing the dishes, the laundry, and all those daily chores that suck but keep your home from not sucking.

Is there something you’ve always wanted to do?  Stop sucking at learning it.

Step #3 – Follow Through with Your Anti-Suck Plans

Whatever you need to do to not suck, do it.  Make your anti-suck plan work, then work your anti-suck plan.

Ridding your life of its suck won’t happen overnight, but if you make a commitment to never suck again starting today, then by the end of 2017, you will surely see a tremendous reduction in your life’s suck levels.

This suck won’t un-suck itself, people.  You’ve got to stop sucking at making your suck-free life happen.  There’s no time like the present to not suck.

Thank you for reading, 3.5 readers, and don’t forget to pick up one of my anti-suck books, available now at a book store near you that does not suck.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: Vinny Baggadouchio holds no credentials of any kind and nothing he says should be construed as advice that you should rely upon. If you suck, you should seek the help of trained professionals who can assist you in unsucking up your sucky life.

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Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio – Desuckifying the Holidays

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and like a giant vacuum cleaner with a stuck “on” switch, I’m sucking all of the suck right out of this sucky world, one sucker at a time.

Perhaps you have read one of my fine anti-suck books:

Six Ways to Suckday

When a Problem Comes Along, You Must Suck It

Suck Less Now…Ask Me How

Have You Ever Tried to Not Suck?

Suck Free in Sixty Days

Sucky Suckers and the Sucky Suckers Who Suck Them

Get the Suck Outta Here!

Don’t Hate the Suck Game, Hate the Suck Player

The Path to a Suck-Free Life

The Super Suck Cure

Help!  I Suck!

Sucker Says What?

3.5 readers, let me tell you, the holidays are great but sometimes they can suck…especially for a person who already sucks.

Think about what a person who doesn’t suck is doing this time of year.  The non-sucker is putting up twinkly lights with his kids and setting up the Christmas tree.  He’s going shopping with his wife, putting on a tacky yet festive, drinking egg nog and singing carols around the fire with family and friends.

Alas, the average sucker does not have such a wonderful life.  The average sucker is alone.  He’s warming up a six month old TV dinner he found in the back of his freezer and Netflixing a sucky movie that was made specifically for Netflix.

That poor sucker.  Due to his sucky life, he has no one to snuggle with,n o kids to give presents to, and few prospects, if any, of turning his life around.

And yes, as that poor, downtrodden sucktastic sucker falls asleep at his computer, his mind drifts off to the promises he made to himself last Christmas.  “By Christmas of next year, I won’t suck!  I’ll have a wife who doesn’t suck and be on my way to having kids who don’t suck!”

Perhaps the sucker has some extended family he can visit, but a self-aware sucker won’t be happy.  He’ll be miserable.  No one wants to be the sucker with a pity invitation.  Non-suckers throw Christmas parties at their lavish, suck-free homes.  Suckers are invited to them so they can sit in the corner and think about all the mistakes they made to lead to the present day where the holidays suck so bad for them.

You know who else has a hard time on Christmas?  The sucker who wrote me this letter:

Dear Vinny B,

The holidays sure do suck.  My wife divorced me five years ago because I sucked up our marriage by playing hide the turnip with her sister’s best friend’s cousin’s dog-walker’s wife’s sister.  It seemed like a good idea at the time, but not so much now.

Christmas used to be a great time for me.  I’d grab a cup of coffee, snuggle up with the missus and watch the kids open their toys.

Now I live in a sucky single-bedroom apartment on the corner of Crack and Meth Streets.  I owe a ridiculous amount of alimony and child support and my children are being raised by their step-dad/my ex-wife’s former yoga instructor.

Every year, from Thanksgiving until New Year’s Day, I feel like shoving my head in the oven and cooking the suck right out of myself because I just don’t know if I will ever be able to climb the anti-suck hill in order to get back to the kind of suck-less life I used to have.

Sincerely,

Big Time Sucker in Jacksonville

Wow.  That’s a lot of suck to de-suck and dissect.

You know Big Time, I play it straight.  I don’t sugar coat things.  I’m not going to suck all over your leg and tell you that your leg doesn’t suck now.

What you did was a sucktabulous thing.  There’s no excuse for it.  That’s the bad news.

But wait.  The good news is that you realize you did a sucky thing.  So many suckers just suck their way through life with nary an understanding of why they suck so much.

You, on the other hand, feel suck shame and that means you are a self aware sucker.  You are mature enough to know the difference between what sucks and what doesn’t suck and that means there is hope for you.

So the first thing I want you to do is to take a look at yourself in the mirror and forgive the sad, depressed sucker staring back at you.  Yes, the sucker staring at you in the mirror sucked up your life.  He looked at all the non-sucking goodness you had and like a skunk in heat, squirted it with a thick layer of suck spray.

That really sucks, but it has been five years.  The mourning period is over and at this point, there’s no use crying over spilt suck.  Once that suck is out of the bag, you can’t contain it. You just have to manage it.

The second thing I want you to do is apologize to your ex-wife.  She signed up with a man she thought did not suck and did not get the non-sucker that she wanted.  Let her know you’re sorry and you know there’s no fixing the suck you brought into her life, but you want to be a man and be a father to your children.

Third, you’re going to put your foot down on the suck and de-suck your life.  Be the non-sucker you used to be again.  Getting angry at yourself for past sucky behavior is normal.  In a way, it is even healthy.  However, at this point, you’ve reached a critical mass where anger, self-hatred and self-loathing will get nowhere.

These negative feelings won’t get your wife back.  They won’t get your kids back.  If anything, they’ll just keep sucking you down, down, down deeper into the suck pit of your sucky life until one day, you find yourself so deep that you can’t crawl back to the suck-free shore and there isn’t a single non-sucker around who would be willing to throw you a suck-free life line.

Improve and take care of yourself.  Curb your sucky habits.  Exercise.  Eat right.  Take care of yourself.  Work hard at your career and find some passions that don’t suck in your spare time.

When you get time to spend with your kids, be the best, least sucky father you can be.  Be a positive role model and maybe, when they’re old enough, apologize to them.  Tell them you’re sorry you sucked things up and want to make sure they don’t repeat your mistakes so they can go on to become productive, non-sucking members of society.

Whether you are Big Time Sucker in Jacksonville, or just one of BQB’s random 3.5 readers, keep this in mind.  The holidays are a celebration of joy, happiness and love.  They are a time to reflect on the past year’s accomplishments and to plan exciting things for the year ahead.

If you feel none of that this season, it is because your life sucks but remember, you are aware of the suck.  You are not ignorant of the suck and realizing that you suck is the first step one must take on the long road to not sucking.

Most importantly, remember how bad you feel this year.  Don’t ball those sucky feelings up and bury them deep inside.  Let them out with a good cry or a loud scream, then spend the next year doing your damnedest to de-suck your sucky life so that next year at this time, you won’t feel depressed.  You won’t feel sad.  You will be one of those non-sucking people who puts on a dopey sweater and hugs his family over the holidays.

Rome wasn’t built in a day or a year, so no, you won’t fix your sucky life in a day or most likely, even in a year.  But a year is long enough to suck a lot of the suck out of your life and you never know, if you put the work in, there just might be a lady who doesn’t suck in your life next Christmas.

Just don’t suck it up this time, Big Time Sucker.

Until next time, I’m Vinny Baggadouchio, wishing you a Suck Free Christmas and a Happy New Year that Does Not Suck.

Don’t forget to buy my one of my anti-suck books at a book store that does not suck near you.

DISCLAIMER: Mr. Baggadouchio is an expert on nothing and has no credentials of any kind.  Nothing he says is to ever be relied upon as advice or taken seriously.  Those with sucky problems are advised to seek out real experts who are trained in the arts of de-sucking the lives of total suckers.

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