Previously on Game of Yetis:
PART 1 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB hides out from the War for the Iron Throne, coming up with various excuses as to why he’s been unable to assist various claimants to the throne all the while positioning himself to declare allegiance to whoever emerges as the victor. Alas, a complication in his plan arises when a band of Yetis under the control of Lord Yeti abscond with his supplies of snacks and Dew of the Mountain.
PART 2 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti of House Yeti, the ruler of Yetifell, a territory North of the Wall, where abominable snowmen love to frolic because it is ridiculous cold, mocks his son Yetyrion, calling him a dwarf because he is 6’5″ (which is really short for a Yeti).
And now Game of Yetis continues…
When Joffrey took the head of his good friend Ned Stark, Lord Bookshelf Q. Battler didn’t cry a tear.
When his old roommate Theon Greyjoy (from that semester at Winterfell Tech) had his, um, appendage removed, Lord BQB chalked it up to “cost of doing royal business.”
When Lord BQB heard that the Stark family was butchered at the Red Wedding, his only comment was, “That must have made the chicken dance awkward.”
Whether Lord BQB was cold or if he’d just grown accustomed to life in a cold world is a question for the ages. Needless to say, he was a lord who was not easily rattled.
But when Lord BQB saw his supply room bare and a band of filthy yetis running out the back door with his barrels of Dew of the Mountain, he bellowed a terrible scream that was heard all the way up to the wall, down as far as Dorne, and it even made its way across the Narrow Sea.
To this day, there are Dothraki who, during rare moments when they aren’t fornicating or beating each other senseless, ask, “What was that guy yelling about?”
“MY DEW OF THE MOUNTAIN!!!”
“There there,” Maester Monty said as he patted Lord BQB on the back. “There will always be more Dew of the Mountain.”
Lord BQB sniffed and looked up at his trusted elderly confidant. “But it was the Special Limited Edition Code Red Dew of the Mountain.”
“Oh my,” Maester Monty said. “That is a travesty, my Lord.”
Lord BQB stood up, withdrew his sword, waved it high in the air and proclaimed, “In the light of the Seven, I shall hack every Yeti I see to ribbons until I get my Dew of the Mountain back.”
“A tall order, my Lord,” Maester Monty said. “Yetis are fearsome beasts.”
“You’re right,” Lord BQB said. “We’ll need back up. Send a raven across the Narrow Sea to that place where the Khaleesi gets all her Eunuchs. What’s it called? ‘Eunuchs R Us?'”
“I’m afraid word has it that the Khaleesi had her dragons burn up the slavers who produced the Unsullied,” Maester Monty said.
“Confound her hide!” Lord BQB shouted. “Isn’t that convenient? She takes all the Eunuchs for herself, then burns up the Eunuch store so nobody else can have one!”
“Perhaps your banner men might assist you?” the maester asked.
“Of course! My banner men! They are zealously loyal and will follow me to the gates of hell if I ask them! Quickly! To the barracks!”
Lord BQB and Maester Monty walked all the way to the living quarters of the Shelftopia banner men. It was completely bare, save for the following note:
Dear Lord BQB:
We was only in it for the free Dew of the Mountain, we was. Now that you ‘aint got any, we’s goin’ splitsville we is.
Sincerely,
Your Ex-Bannermen
“Blast!” Lord BQB said. “You just can’t get good banner men these days!”
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