Tag Archives: george rr martin

Game of Thrones Recap – Season 6, Episode 9 – “Battle of the Bastards”

So many bastards. So little time.

SPOILERS!

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Hey geeks. BQB here.

Holy shit snacks, it was a great episode tonight, wasn’t it?

We finally got to see those scaly dragons in battle and battle they did.  They’re like giant flying fire breathing lizard tanks.

And then the long awaited battle we’ve been waiting for. John Snow vs. Ramsey Boulton.

Quite a long, extended fight scene. There was a damn phalanx!

Can’t go wrong with a phalanx.

And you know 3.5 readers, I think there was a lesson here for both readers and writers.

You might remember way back George RR Martin and HBO took a lot of heat for allowing a scene in which Sansa gets raped by Ramsey.

At the time, no one, including myself, realized Ramsey would get a well-deserved comeuppance for that.

But hoisted on his own petard, he was.  Sansa got her revenge and fed Ramsay to his own dogs, the dogs Ramsay had fed so many of his victims before.

Lesson for the reader? Keep the faith. Trust that the writer will eventually address the point that you’re so angry about.

Lesson for the writer? Understand that a controversial scene will leave you taking a lot of heat and you’ll just have to sit back and wait until the time finally comes when the plot point comes full circle.

This season has gone by way too fast.

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Melisandre, Jon Snow and an Alternative Shadow Assassin Theory

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Is it? Or will your vagina make Jon Snow live again?

Hey 3.5 Readers.

BQB here.

OK.  I had an epiphany.

Check this out.

  • George RR Martin likes to fake us out.
  • Though the show is now beyond his books, he’s still working with the show runners to teach them how to be masters of the fake out.
  • So the show/books like to make us think one thing will happen then another thing happens.

What is the show trying to make us think will happen?

That Melisandre will give her life saving necklace to Jon Snow and bring him back to life.

What is going to happen?

OK.  There should be some kind of cash prize for me if this actually happens but here goes. Here is my theory.

That shadow assassin wasn’t just a shadow.  It was an evil soul brought back into the world of the living and then it was bound to do Melisandre’s bidding i.e. kill Renley Baratheon.

OK.  Follow me on this one.  Grab a pen and paper, make a flowchart if it helps.

  • Melisandre has the hots for Jon Snow.  She is warm for his form and because he was loyal to the Knight’s Watch and perhaps sad over the loss of Ygritte, he denied Melisandre’s advances.  Jon Snow was like the first man in history to resist the awesome power of Melisandre’s evil magical vagina.  Crows before hoes, baby. Crows before hoes.
  • As we know, Melisandre can push evil spirits out of her evil magic vagina.
  • GROUNDBREAKING THEORY: Melisandre will summon Jon Snow’s spirit out of the underworld, bring it back to the world of the living by PUSHING JON SNOW’S SOUL STRAIGHT OUT OF HER EVIL MAGICAL VAGINA and then bam!  Drop Jon Snow’s soul back into Jon Snow’s body.

I’m not exactly sure how this will happen.  Not going to lie. It may be a scene that involves her squatting over Jon Snow’s corpse to get the job done. Like the soul would have to fly out of her evil magic vagina and into Jon’s mouth or something.

Stop being disgusted! This is fantasy realm science, people.

3.5 Readers: BQB, we must debunk you. The shadow assassin wasn’t a soul. It was a magic ghost or specter of some kind that was the product of illicit humping between Melisandre and Stannis.

Lady Catelyn even reported that when she briefly saw the shadow assassin, it appeared to have Stannis’ face.

Since there is already a Jon Snow, Melisandre can’t boink another dude and create a shadow Jon Snow.  She can’t boink Jon Snow at present because he’s a stiff, no pun intended.

OK. You’ve got me, 3.5 readers, but consider this:

A)  Just because Melisandre pushed a shadow assassin out of her enchanted cooter that turned out to be the product of a Stannis/Melisandre boink session does not mean that she does not have the ability to summon a soul and pop it out of her magic vagina. We just haven’t seen her do it yet.

B)  What comes back may not be Jon Snow.  The Red Woman is a world class seductress and therefore can convince 99.9 percent of men to boink her.  Ergo, she might boink some other dude, any other dude, maybe one of the Knight’s Watch dudes she’s holed up with (probably not Ser Davos as he’s too honorable to boink evil witches so he’s in that .1 percent with Jon Snow).

So she and some dude will boink and then she will become pregnant with another shadow assassin that looks like some other dude and then she will order the shadow assassin to enter Jon Snow’s body because…

…STAY WITH ME…

She wants Jon Snow bad. Like really bad.  So bad.  Like he’s the only man she’s ever really, really wanted and it pains her so much that he said no and so now that he’s dead this is her opportunity to put a shadow assassin into Jon’s body and essentially turn Jon Snow’s reanimated corpse into her possessed love slave.

If the shadow assassin is in Jon Snow’s body, does that technically mean Melisandre is boinking her shadow assassin son?

Yes, but to her it will be a substitute for boinking an alive Jon Snow. She’s the Red Woman. Evil witches don’t give a shit about morality and shit.  She wants Jon Snow anyway she can get him.

And then when they aren’t boinking he will be her unwitting slave puppet because she can make the shadow assassin inside of him do her evil bidding. She can cast spells and shit and order Evil Puppet Jon Snow to murder her enemies and shit.  They will be unstoppable.

IN SUMMATION

A) This would be the ultimate fake out.  Make us think she’s sacrificing her life in a selfless act by giving Jon Snow her necklace…only to turn him into her unwitting man servant sex slave through the use of shadow assassin evil vagina magic.

B) There is a possibility that she might just bring Jon Snow back as himself and maybe he’ll be so grateful that he’ll boink her but knowing Melisandre, the shadow assassin slave theory is more likely.

C) Either way, if I am right, I really deserve a cash prize or at least lunch with George RR Martin or something.

D) Melisandre give up her life to save someone else? Bitch please! She is going to hang onto that necklace with a kung-fu death grip.

Thank you 3.5 readers. Tell me if you think my theory is sound.  Share it with your friends.  And let’s watch next week to see if I’m right.

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Khaleesi

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Wait until April 24th for Game of Thrones Season 6?

This a man cannot do.

For Lord Battler of House Bookshelf loveth his Game of Thrones.

Oh, how it has allowed nerds across the land to experience what Superbowl Sunday must feel like for the normals.

Yes, 3.5 readers I love GOT as much as you love your girlfriend.

And from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be the Khaleesi:

(Note this list is mere fantasy.  If you’re reading this blog, you are a nerd who is unworthy of the Khaleesi.)

***NOTE: GOT SPOILERS AHEAD!  SPOILERS!!!!****

10.  Her wardrobe consists of 950 turquoise dresses. Khaleesi loves turquoise.

9.  No one at work ever steels her lunch from the communal fridge…BECAUSE IT’S A DAMN BLOODY HORSE HEART IN A BAG!

8.  You avoid arguing with her because you know that all arguments end with your ass getting burned extra crispy by her dragons.  Also, people refer to her as the Mother of Dragons.  Like you’ll answer the phone and people will be all like, “Can I speak to the Mother of Dragons?”

7.  Speaking of, she has so many titles.  Khaleesi.  Mother of Dragons.  Breaker of Chains.  And she insists on announcing them every time she enters a new room.  You need to leave three hours early just to take the Khaleesi to a movie.

6.  Dated Seth MacFarlane.  Part of you is annoyed with her because she could have done better.  Part of you wants to high five Seth for being the first nerd in history to use his nerdy ways to snag a Khaleesi. (I stand corrected about my early statement about nerds not being able to snag the Khaleesi.)

5.  Starred in a Terminator reboot.  It was godawful.  So bad.  So very, very bad.  But you forgive her.  Because she’s the Khaleesi.  Only the Khaleesi can be forgiven for a terrible Terminator remake.  Cersei was also in a sucky Terminator remake.  It’s ok to not forgive her because fuck her.  She’s Cersei.  Cersei’s the worst.

4.  Her brother sold her into slavery and then was jealous that she made a big ass pot of lemonade out of those lemons.  In-laws.  Am I right?

3.  Totally the type to hop on her dragon and fly away, leaving her friends to fend for themselves in the gladiator’s arena.   (Oh shut up.  That’s not a spoiler.  You had a year to watch this shit.) Probably won’t give you a ride to the dentist either.

2.  Nerds in the know theorize she might be Jon Snow’s Auntie.  Channel your inner M. Knight Shyamalan and repeat after me, “What a twist!”

  1.  Out of a group of people who are the worst, she’s always the best.

HONORABLE MENTION:

  • Drew you in by getting naked, but now that she’s won you over, that turquoise dress stays on.  In other words, she’s like every other woman post commitment. Heap her with praise all you want but you’ll be lucky if you see a boob on your birthday.
  • Honest and fair, but cheat her and you’re banished to the friend zone.  Also, from the country.
  • Appreciates your wise counsel.  Would appreciate it more though if you were a dwarf or a eunuch.  Seriously, she’s got an army of eunuchs and two eunuch advisors.
  • She takes what’s rightfully hers, by fire and blood if she has to.  So don’t bogart the Funions.
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Game of Thrones – Jon Snow Poster Released – Is He Alive?

The North remembers, 3.5 readers!

HBO just released this poster to promote the next season of Game of Thrones.

Thus, it’s confirmed Jon Snow will obviously, somehow, feature heavily in the next season.  Will it be because he’s alive?  Will it be because he’s dead and there will be ensuing consequences?

And is it just me, or does Jon’s nose look bigger?  Maybe its just the juxtaposition of the blood.  I don’t know.  I’m not a photo designer.  I was just wondering if that could mean anything or am I off base on that?

All Hail the Lord Commander!

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Ask the Alien – Pandora Spocks – Who is Jon Snow’s Mother?

Greetings Earth Losers!

The Esteemed Brainy One

The Esteemed Brainy One

Before I begin this week’s edition of “Ask the Alien,” the only column that allows Earthlings to consult the wisdom of a higher species in an effort to make your world a smarter place, my Supreme and Unquestionable Overlord, the Mighty Potentate, has asked me to repeat an announcement he made earlier this week:

Our planet, whose name is none of your business, is not Kepler 452-b.  There is no life on that planet and no, there are not really aliens who live there who have been instructed to turn off all the lights until your satellite leaves.  Also, stop using the satellite to beam reality television programs into this planet’s air waves.  If anyone lives there, they are most likely an asexual race and thus have no use for your Kim Kardashian.  

In summation, nothing to see here, so moving along.

I mean there.  “Here” would mean I’m transmitting from there and haha, that’d be most unlikely.

Now then.  On with the show!

This week’s question comes from Pandora Spocks of the “Adventures in Date Night” Blog.

Ahh date night.  What a lovely concept.  As mentioned above, my species is asexual, but we are each assigned a government mandated life mate by the Mighty Potentate’s administration.

It’s more or less a glorified buddy system.  Cloning is expensive so each alien has another alien to keep track of.  Lose track of your buddy and, you guessed it, you’ve got a date with the vaporizer.

Not as romantic as locking eyes with that special someone across the dance floor for the first time, but when Clone #9847611XR9 rolled off the assembly line, I knew there was something special about him, more so than the millions of other clones who looked and acted just like him.

He was given a traditional name, one like mine that you’d have to tie your human tongue in knots to pronounce, but for purposes of this blog, I’ll refer to him as Alien Rosencrantz.

Yes, Alien Rosencrantz and I try to keep our relationship fresh.  No matter how busy our schedules are, we always make time on Saturday night to analyze specimens with a billionth power microscope.

Never turn put your own relationships under a billionth power microscope, 3.5 readers.  Sometimes some aspects of amore just need to remain a mystery.

By the way, this “he” word.  The aliens on my planet?  Words like “he” or “she” don’t apply.  Alas, your primitive language doesn’t have a word to refer to someone whose neither a male or a female other than “it” and since Alien Rosencrantz and I are greater than mere objects, I suppose “he” will have to do.

Now then!  Onto Ms. Spocks’ inquiry:

Who is Jon Snow’s mother?

Ahhh!  A true question for the ages!

First, any of the 3.5 readers who wish to remain SPOILER free should exit the blog immediately.  Actually, don’t exit it all the way.  Click on some of the other links and buttons to get Bookshelf Q. Battler’s hit rate up.  I really need to get the Mighty Potentate off my ganderflazer.

As you might recall, I briefly appeared in BQB’s work of fanfiction, A Game of Yetis.  

The premise was that Lord BQB of House Bookshelf takes on Lord Yeti of House Yeti over the theft of BQB’s Dew of the Mountain.  The story was supposed to end with the Khaleesi and I flying to Yetifell and burning up all those smelly snow-squatches with the assistance of dragonfire, but alas there was this transmission:

Alien Jones!  Tell BQB to cease that insipid fan fiction immediately!  If there’s anything I despise more than reality television it’s fan fiction!

– The Mighty Potentate

P.S. Do my bidding or its the vaporizer for you, and I’m not talking about that device the humans use to breathe in eucalyptus when they have colds.

He was talking about the device he has that turns disobedient aliens into a fine mist.  Anyhoo!  660 words in, let’s get to Ms. Spocks’ question.

What the show has told us thus far:

  • Ned Stark, whilst facing a battle he was unlikely to come back from, ignored his marital vows to Lady Catelyn and engaged in the hokey pokey with a random hussy.
  • Unexpectedly, he returned from battle in a most glorious manner with baby Jon Snow, “Snow” being the name given to bastards in Winterfell.  Things have gotten better since olden times.  It’s less proper to just randomly refer to an out of wedlock child as a bastard.  Alas, for poor Jon, it’s “Hello bastard” and “What do you want, bastard?” and “Did you forget you’re a bastard?” every five seconds.
  • Ned promised to one day tell Jon the truth about his mother, but alas, his head was chopped off.  (Hey, I warned about the SPOILERS.)

That’s why (SPOILER!) Jon Snow’s death at the end of last season was so upsetting.  After all, since we were informed there was something more to be told about Snow’s mother, it’s kind of a massive plot hole if that question remains unanswered.

The prevailing theory in Game of Thrones fandom is as follows:

  • Robert Baratheon, who Ned’s sister Lyanna had been promised to, believed Rhaegar Targaryen (son of the then king) had kidnapped Lyanna and was so angry about it that he led a daring rebellion that caused the Mad King to be overthrown.
  • Ned’s sister Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen were actually in love and Lyanna ran away with Rhaegar willingly.
  • Lyanna and Rhaegar did the hibbitty dibbitty and baby Jon Snow was the result.
  • Lyanna Stark died in childbirth.
  • Rhaegar died when Robert Baratheon knocked the snot out of him with his mighty war hammer, sending a spectacular spray of jewels from Targaryen’s fancy armor everywhere.
  • Ned Stark was left with a difficult burden.  Of course, he wanted to save his dear nephew.  And of course, the most respectable character in the whole series would never have cheated on his beloved Catelyn.
  • But, Robert Baratheon is kind of an angry dingus and would have had Jon Snow killed.
  • Thus, Ned lied, made up a story about a random hussy he knocked boots with, and had to endure Catelyn hating him for strange on the side that he never even got in the first place!

Could this theory be accurate?  Who knows, but there’s a scene in Season 5 where Littlefinger hints to Sansa that her aunt Lyanna may not have been kidnapped after all.

There you have it, 3.5 readers!  And thank you to Pandora.  May you continue to regale us with tales of your date nights and inspire couples across the cosmos to take time to add spice to their romance.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.

THE ALIEN JONES GUARANTEE: If you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.

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Time Magazine’s List of 61 People Who’ve Died on Game of Thrones…

…also with the likelihood of whether or not they’ll return.  (0% for most of them)

Thanks Time.  I’d forgotten most of these characters already.

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How Game of Thrones is Like Real Life (Season 5 Finale Review)

Hello 3.5 Readers,

Does this mean by Jon Snow doll goes up in value?

Does this mean by Jon Snow action figure goes up in value?

Quite a surprise ending for Season 5, wasn’t it?

I’ve finally processed my grief and am now able to talk about it but first, let’s talk about real life.

That’s right.  I’m talking about the life outside of Game of Thrones, the one without the dragons, or the Khaleesi, or the epic battles or a functionally alcoholic dwarf who manages to save the day despite his ennui.

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”

That’s an old cliche, isn’t it?  It holds up though. So many of us work our little butts off. We toil away, we make goals, figure out the steps we need to take to work towards them and do what we can to achieve them.

Sometimes things work out for us. Other times, and usually more often than not, we fall flat on our faces.

3.5 readers, who among you has locked up your emotions with a significant other you trusted not to screw you over? Surely, at least one of you convinced yourself your girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, partner, whatever was “the one” and you built your life around said individual.

Maybe you were planning to get married or hell, maybe you DID get married. God, maybe you even brought kids into the world with this person. Or maybe you didn’t. Maybe you just walked around telling your friends and family what a reliable, dependable person this guy or gal was.

Then one day…boom! Gone.

POSSIBLE BREAK-UP LINES USED ON YOU:

  • It’s not you, it’s me.
  • It was you all along.
  • I hate your face.
  • Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.
  • TEXT MESSAGE: U IZ DUMPD
  • TWEET: #UIZDUMPD
  • FACEBOOK: You’re dumped.  Here’s a funny cat video I hope will help you get through it.

Forget relationships. Maybe you’re career aspirations did not go how you planned them. You went to college, selected a major, gained useful experience and boom! You’re riding the pine on the ‘rents’ couch because the economy stinks worse than a wookie during mating season on Kashyyyk.

Maybe everything did go right. Maybe you did find that awesome job and that awesome significant other.

Maybe one day you’re walking across the street, you’re thinking, “Wow, everything sure did work out for me and OH NO! A damn Mac Truck just ran over my face.”

Life.  Whether it’s romance or careers or dreams, there’s just no guarantee of success and everything can go turn to crap in an instant.

Now, add in the dragons, and the sword fights, and the Khaleesi and you have Game of Thrones, a fantasy show that is as close as a program can get to real life and still feature a red headed witch with the ability to push smokey ghost assassins out of her cooter.

Attorney Donnelly preemptively apologizes to anyone offended by my use of the word “cooter.” Also, please read Pop Culture Mysteries. I’m pretty proud of that one.

In real life, there’s what you wanted to happen AND what did happen.

I, your illustrious blog host Bookshelf Q. Battler, will now analyze the past season/final episode with through those two points of view.

SPOILER WARNING!!!!  DON’T READ IF YOU DON’T WANT ANYTHING SPOILED!

GAME OF THRONES – HBO – SEASON 5 TRAILER – THE WHEEL

THE BIG SURPRISE – JON SNOW

WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN – Jon Snow to continue into the next season as the man standing between Westeros and the White Walkers.

WHAT DID HAPPEN – The Night’s Watch turned on their leader in a big way.

Jon Snow was named Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch this season. His men grumbled about his decisions but they also gave every indication of, “Well, this is a military organization so we have to follow orders even when they piss us off.”

Jon grew so much this season, moving from dopey pretty boy to battle hardened leader. He made a tough call with the Wildlings.

The Night’s Watch Brothers are understandably unhappy with the decision to save the Wildlings. These are people who have killed several brothers as well as innocent bystanders – men, women and children. Sure, the Wildlings’ reasoning is, “Hey! You put up a big ass wall and locked us out of the Kingdom!” but the justification is, “Of course we did! You guys are a bunch of aholes and are basically snow covered Dothraki!”

SIDE NOTE:  The genius of the books/series is that nothing is ever black and white. George RR provides reasoning and justification for why every characters acts the way that they do, even the worst ones.  Their actions aren’t necessarily right, but you’re left with an understanding of the events that led to a person becoming an evil jerkface.

I get that no character is safe but so much was built up around Jon snow:

You know nothing – Am I the only one who thought all of those, “You know nothing, Jon Snows” would eventually lead to a big reveal where Jon Snow would learn something, whatever it was that he was supposed to know?

Jon Snow’s Mother – (Possible Big Spoiler) – In the first season, we learn that Ned brought baby Jon Snow back to Winterfell, a bastard he had with some allegedly random hussy because while he loved Cat and all, he thought he was going to die during Robert’s Rebellion so he might as well get a little somethin’ somethin’ on the side and woops! We won the war!  Guess Ned has some ‘splaining to do.

Ned tells Jon he’ll fill him in on his mother one day.  Will we ever find out who Jon’s mother is now? Will it matter if/when we do?

There’s been a long bandied about theory (POSSIBLE BIG SPOILER!) that Jon was not actually Ned’s kid but rather, was the love child of Lyanna Stark (Ned’s sister betrothed to Robert Baratheon) and Rhaegar Targaryen, that Lyanna wasn’t actually kidnapped but in fact, she ran away willingly with Rhaegar and as a Targaryen, Jon had the closest link to the throne and Ned felt the need to protect his nephew from Robert by claiming him as a bastard, even if that meant enduring Cat’s constant, “Waah waah Ned cheated on me while he was at war” complaints.

Is that theory possible?  Who knows now but here’s a question – was noble Ned really the cheating type?

This is what George RR does and does best. He builds up our hopes and dreams.  Like Lucy from Peanuts, he holds that damn football.  Like the gullible Charlie Brown, the dumb audience comes running up to kick that football and then bam, George, like Lucy, pulls that football away. He does it every time and we keep watching because in many ways, those big shockers make for thrilling television.

GRRM did it with Rob Stark, when the Young Wolf won battle after battle against the Lannisters only to be gutted at the Red Wedding.  He did it with Prince Oberyn when we were led to believe that the Viper had bested the Mountain only to gloat just a little too early.  And now he’s done it with Jon Snow.

Sure, Jon’s untimely demise made for a big “HOLY CRAP” moment but whether or not it pans out as a good decision for the series remains to be seen. After all, we invested a lot in Jon Snow. Aside from the Khaleesi and Tyrion, he was pretty much the last good guy worth rooting for.

Sam’s a fun character but will it be as invigorating to watch him stand between Westeros and the White Walkers? Will we cheer on the Night’s Watch when they betrayed their Lord Commander? Seriously, other than Dany, who’s left to like now?

SIDE NOTE: In keeping with the GOT = Real Life argument, keep in mind at this point, the more likely outcome is not that Dany swoops into Westeros and saves the day but rather, that the Whitewalkers just take over the entire fantasy world and have a great undead time into all eternity.  I can honestly see GRRM taking that approach, can’t you?

CERSEI 

WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: Cersei refuses to confess.  Tommen grows a pair and sends the army to retrieve his wife, mother and brother-in-law.

WHAT DID HAPPEN: Tommen reverts to being an indecisive wuss. Cersei confesses, goes on the worst walk of shame ever and still has to undergo a trial anyway.

Cersei’s the character fans love to hate. The running pattern in the show is that she concocts these schemes, thinks she’s so clever and then her plans backfire royally. That happened again this season. By giving the High Sparrow the power of a religious army, she thought she’d developed her own personal hit squad to take out her enemies, namely the Tyrells.

It all backfired when the High Sparrow turned on her and locked her up.

Cersei’s done a lot of bad things to good people (most notably Ned) but on the other hand, that whole “walk of shame” scene was sad to watch and surely it would be a painful experience for anyone to go through.

Hat’s off to Lena Headey. I’m sure walking around in the buff whilst surrounded by throngs of fantasy peasant extras spitting on you, throwing garbage and uh, other substances at you and hurling insults was no easy feet.

SIDENOTE: Remember how Lady Stoneheart was axed from the series, that the idea was a little farfetched?  But uh, Frankenmountain isn’t?  Clyburn introducing his “creation” kind of blew the end of that very powerful walk of shame scene. The emotion was raw and real and then it went basically went to a Frankenstein monster to defend Cersei’s honor.

JAIME/MYRCELLA – I’m going to rush through this one.  I wanted Myrcella to live because, hey, she’s just a kid.  Why punish her when she didn’t do anything?  Alas, Jaime gets that briefest of father/daughter moments before seeing his offspring die due to Ellaria’s treachery.  Prince Doran won’t be happy.

STANNIS/SANSA/REEK/BOLTONS/RED WOMAN

WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN:  Stannis ousts the Boltons, frees Sansa.  Sansa finally gets to have somewhat of a normal existence where she isn’t a captive or a torture victim.

WHAT DID HAPPEN: As often happens in real life, the bad guys aka the Boltons, won.

Perhaps GRRM’s intent in having Stannis sacrifice Shireen was to turn him from good to bad guy, thus leaving the audience pleased at his defeat.

Stannis started out in the series as the ruthless “win at all costs” warrior, too blindly devoted to the Red Woman, willing to even kill his own brother (through the above mentioned cooter delivered smoke ghost assassin) to get what he wants.

But then Stannis scored points and his stock rose.  He was the only one to respond to the Night’s Watch calls for help, bringing his men to save the day during the Wildling attack.  He told Shireen that she was a princess and that he had always seen to it that she’d be treated accordingly despite her ailment.

GRRM convinced us. Go Stannis.  Kick out the dastardly Boltons. Punish them for their betrayal of the Starks. Save Sansa.

Alas, then there was what happened to Shireen and well, the battle became a conflict between two aholes (Bolton vs. Baratheon) and as often happens in life, you were left tepidly rooting for the lesser of two aholes.

What about Lady Melisandre?  Some powerful acting there. She presents herself as the consummate, unshaken true believer in the Lord of Light yet when the audience learns half of Stannis men have fled with the horses, you can see the look of defeat in her eyes.

Here’s a question – would you keep fighting for a guy who cooked his daughter alive? Could that have been a big reason why his troops skeedaddled?

SIDENOTE: Will the Red Woman resurrect Jon Snow?  Tough call.

1) We’re not sure if she can.  Sometimes it is implied that she’s full of shit.  She might have no magic power and all she does is pull creepy sayings out of her ass, throw a few powders into the fire, put on a little show and then she has the patronage and support of a rich royal family.  She all but said that in a prior episode.

2)  But she might be able do.  I mean, hell, the woman did push a smokey ghost assassin out of her cooter, so bringing a dead man back to life should be a piece of cake.

3) Kit Harington, the actor who played Jon Snow, has already said in interviews that Jon isn’t coming back.  I mean, that still doesn’t mean it’s impossible but it’s something to keep in mind.  (Would an actor say, “Oh yeah!  Don’t worry!  The Red Woman will bring me back!” if that was going to happen?)

Still, I kind of doubt that’s going to happen.

SANSA AND REEK – Hey um, I’m surprised I’m the only one asking this, but are they dead?  They’re pretty much dead, aren’t they?

The show runners were made a point to show the viewer just how tall that damn wall was, that there weren’t any beds of feathers or wagons full of pillows waiting at the bottom, and we even saw a person fall to her death from the inner side so…Sansa and Reek jumped just after Sansa declared she’d rather die than be tortured any more so uh….I don’t know.  I fail to see how they’d of survived that fall but we didn’t see any bodies so I guess we wait until next season.

I have to say if Sansa dies it will be yet another, “God damn it.  Another character I rooted for taken from me.”

ARYA

WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: Arya continues her training

WHAT DID HAPPEN:  Arya goes blind.  I don’t know why.  The Faceless Men have rules and she broke them.

THE KHALEESI 

WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: I wanted a damn explanation as to how the Khaleesi’s buddies survived the Sons of the Harpy attack after being abandoned by their Queen when she went on a dragon joyride.  Also, I wanted her to return and continue to lead her army into Westeros, since now, without Jon Snow, she’s pretty much that continent’s only hope.

WHAT DID HAPPEN: The Khaleesi is captured by the Dothraki and this time does not have Khal Drogo to protect her.  Hopefully, Mormont and Daario will find her in time.

But keep in mind, we’re onto your tricks, GRRM.  We won’t be surprised if you have the Khaleesi get burned up by one of her dragons or killed by the Dothraki or something.

Hell, just give the Iron Throne to Sam Tarly or Hodor and be done with it.

Real life?  You never get what you want and that’s why you never get what you want on this show either.

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Game of Thrones Crossed Some Lines Tonight

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I’d like to go on a rant.  Come with me, will you?

Let’s talk about tonight’s episode – Season 5, Episode 9, “The Dance of Dragons.”

I tend to be a zealous defender of free speech.  I may disagree with you but I’ll defend your right to say it.  And if you don’t like a TV show, I’ve always felt the better option is to change the channel rather than demand the show be shut down or changed to suit your opinions.

I never thought it was possible but there were some moments tonight where GOT made me think about changing the channel.

George RR Martin is a great writer.  He’s a man who doesn’t just embrace his nerdyness but rather, allows his nerd freak flag to fly freely.

While other writers try to fit their works into commercially viable packages, GRRM dared to write a fantasy series geared toward adults even though the genre is historically for younger folks.

He’s the King of the fakeout with an uncanny ability to make you look left while the right hook is coming, even when he’s done it to you, the reader, several times before.  Thus, the series is fabulous because there are real consequences.

There’s never a moment where you’re left thinking, “Well, that character’s safe because he/she is too important to the series.”  Nope.  Any character could buy the farm at any time and thus the stakes are high.

Many critics have said that HBO diverting from GRRM’s books would be a good thing, but allow me to defend my favorite sailor hat wearing writer but noting that Martin didn’t write either of tonight’s cross the line moments.

SPOILER ALERT.

It wasn’t a good night to be a kid on tonight’s episode.

First, Princess Shireen, much to my shock and dismay, was burned at the stake, a sacrifice that Lady Melisandre aka “The Red Woman” advises Stannis is necessary to appease the Lord of Light and lead Stannis’ army to victory.

I’m sorry, but when I’m looking for some Sunday night entertainment, the last thing I need to witness is a kid getting dragged to a pyre where she’s fried to a crisp.  Anyone who finds that entertaining is a big time weirdo.

Moreover, the scene just didn’t make sense.  Stannis had steadfastly denied the Red Woman’s demands for a sacrifice and up until tonight, had been Shireen’s champion, standing up for her when others called for her to be exiled when she contracted “Greyscale,” a loathsome lizard skin disease.

George RR Martin didn’t write that.  In fact, there’s already a meme going around pointing out that Martin had Stannis demanding that should he die, his army is to go on in pursuit of the Iron Throne and if successful, to name Shireen Queen of Westeros.

Secondly, we learn that the dastardly Ser Meryn Trant is a horrendous pedophile.  In a scene in a brothel, he rejects various offered ladies of the evening, demanding that a younger alternative be brought to him.

Additionally, Arya goes on a recognizance mission, spying on Trant while posing as a clam vendor.  Everyone’s clothed but a) that a kid was actually brought out to appease Trant and b) just seeing the young Arya walking around in a brothel scene….it all disgusted me.

GRRM didn’t write that either as far as I know.

I get it.  The show portrays a brutal and horrific setting where bad things happen, as they did during Earth’s own ancient times.  Portraying Trant as a piece of human garbage will make the audience cheer that much more when he inevitably bites the dust.  Meanwhile, the audience will likely rally around Ser Davos Seaworth as I’d be surprised he’d continue in Stannis’ service after what happened to Shireen.  Pitting Seaworth’s loyalty to Stannis against his loyalty to Shireen (she taught him how to read and he clearly viewed her as the daughter he never had) will make for good drama.

Even so, and again in my opinion, as a society we need to protect kids and we just don’t need scenes like these on television.

The show ended on a high note with an epic scene in which Drogon the Dragon comes to the Khaleesi’s defense, protecting his mother from an attack by the Sons of the Harpy.  Dany flies her dragon to safety, notably leaving her friends to fend for themselves but they’ll be fine.  Tyrion will kick some ass.

I don’t know.  I know this is all make-believe but the scenes with the kids just did not sit well with this reviewer at all.

EDIT:  I’m hearing talk that GRRM apparently planned the Shireen being burned scene for the next book, Winds of Winter and the show just put the scene out tonight rather than wait for the book to come out.  There’s even discussion that the show’s creators were surprised by GRRM’s decision but went with it.

Sigh.  So much for my defense of GRRM.

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Game of Thrones – Wrap-Up – Season 5, Episode 8 – Hardhome

SPOILERS!

It was an episode of firsts:

  • Cersei gets a taste of the commoner’s life
  • Arya gets her first mission
  • Khaleesi and Tyrion meet for the first time
  • Ser Jorah’s love for the Khaleesi is finally made known
  • Theon/Reek finally admits he didn’t burn his adopted brothers
  • The first white walker attack (pretty awesome, wasn’t it?)

By the way, anyone notice that Jon Snow killed a white walker without a piece of dragon glass?

Maybe because he carries the blood of the dragon?

WHAT?!  MIND=BLOWN!

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Game of Thrones – Season 5, Episode 6 – “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken” – Wrap-Up

Wow.  They really have a merchant for everything.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here with another GOT wrap-up.

SPOILERS AHEAD

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  • Arya is learning how to be one of the Faceless Men.  Is it worth it?
  • Jamie and Bronn vs. the Sand Snakes
  • Ser Loras and Queen Margery in custody?  Oh no!
  • What’s Littlefinger up to?  He’s promising everything to everyone.  I can only assume he’s hoodwinking Cersei.
  • Sansa has a tough life.  She ends up being married to every jerk in Westeros.

By the way, some interesting social commentary underlying tonight’s episode:

  • LGBT Rights – Come on Westeros.
  • Black Slave Traders – I’d call them “African American” but Africa and America don’t exist in George RR Martin’s world.  Kind of ironic though.

What say you 3.5 readers?

As usual, it’s show that can take a fantasy world and make us think about our real one.

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